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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect husband to give up golf now that we have a family?

190 replies

DisneyBaby · 14/05/2022 00:18

My husband has always played golf since being a little kid (apart from the first 2 years when we met). He plays every Saturday without fail and probably one Sunday a month and then once a week after work in the summer too. So some weeks up to 3 times, others only once.
We've been together 12 years and have a family now, a 2 year old and a 1 month old.
I personally feel that any hobbies like that should go on the back burner for a bit whilst we bring up our children and spend quality time together as much as possible. Instead of being a member of a club like he is at the moment, he should just play casually, maybe once a month or something, and then he can get back into it more passionately once our children are grown in 10-15 years, is that unreasonable??
My 2 year old understands everything now and often asks where Daddy is, and I'm getting fed up of saying 'Daddy playing golf today'... At some point she's going to start reasoning that he'd rather do that then spend time with us, which is upsetting for me let alone her...
I used to be a songwriter, that was my hobby but I gave it up about 5 years ago when we started trying for a family. I feel that he should give up his hobby now too. AIBU?

OP posts:
Saharafordessert · 14/05/2022 09:52

You are both still entitled to peruse hobbies and that shouldn’t stop just because you are now parents.
YABU to expect him to give up his and even more unreasonable to have given up yours!

Lastqueenofscotland2 · 14/05/2022 09:54

YABU.
no to three times a week but giving up everything in your life to be a parent is just a path to miserable martyrdom and losing all your friends

Crazykatie · 14/05/2022 09:54

Yes he should limit his golf and spend more time with you and the children, that applies to many other boys sports too. He can maintain his handicap by playing one evening and half a day at weekends.
Everything else is just socializing, he needs to take his home responsibilities more seriously.

HalloHello · 14/05/2022 09:58

My extended family are keen golfers. The 3 men meet at 9.30 every Saturday and are all home by 2. It's not the whole day.

My brother gets up at 6am with the kids, SIL gets a lie in until 8.30, brought a coffee in bed while he gets ready, leaves at 9, the is home for the afternoon with the family. Everyone needs their own 'thing' and virtue signalling doesn't help the situation.

MintyCedricRidesAgain · 14/05/2022 10:00

Astralitzia · 14/05/2022 00:32

YANBU to want him to dial it down a bit but YABVU to demand he gives it up completely.

It was silly to give up your own hobby totally. Try to retain some of your own identity - you're not just a mother, you are a person in your own right and it's important to have your own interests independent from your family.

Totally agree with this.

Maybe one Saturday and one Sunday and a couple of after works per month.

And make sure you get some time to get back into your hobby too.

SaintJavelin · 14/05/2022 10:01

YABU, he's allowed a hobby.

It can't all just be about kids.

Crazykatie · 14/05/2022 10:02

It’s all very well saying continue with your hobbies when you are married with children, it doesn’t work like that. The children need your time, work needs your time, you might get one evening a week, as the children get older they have after school activities, which limit that, it’s just easier to sit down and relax.

Stomacharmeleon · 14/05/2022 10:04

My partner plays every weekend but.... he plays early doors (generally up and out by 6am) then it doesn't affect our day.

I also think it's important to have hobbies/ friends/ interests that aren't in the house.

brokengoalposts · 14/05/2022 10:05

Give it up completely? That's far too harsh. Dial it down a bit, yes.

Bubblesandsqueak1 · 14/05/2022 10:16

So for 9 months a year he plays every Saturday and for the competition season he does a Saturday 1 day after work and a week and 1 Sunday a month sorry but no I wouldn't ask my dh to give up his hobby ever if anything I would encourage it but also make time for myself

Hardbackwriter · 14/05/2022 10:20

Bubblesandsqueak1 · 14/05/2022 10:16

So for 9 months a year he plays every Saturday and for the competition season he does a Saturday 1 day after work and a week and 1 Sunday a month sorry but no I wouldn't ask my dh to give up his hobby ever if anything I would encourage it but also make time for myself

People keep saying that she should get equal time but how? If he has every Saturday does she get every Sunday and they just never see each other, just hand the kids between them (and he can't have those Sundays any more, then, can he)? Or are people imagining some sort of bullshit where he goes out every Saturday, some Sundays and an evening and in 'return' she goes to an hour of Zumba every week?

I'm very firmly in team 'he doesn't need to stop completely but he needs to cut back dramatically', and for me for an activity like golf, given the time it takes, that would mean not weekly.

Cherrysoup · 14/05/2022 10:25

Tricky. I mean, you knew he was a golfer when you got together, it’s not like a sudden new thing. I’d agree that he needs to cut down as if he’s working Monday-Friday, then dumps you all day Saturday, he’s not parenting.

My bil took up a sport after getting married and he can be away pretty much all weekend. I’m forever grateful my DH doesn’t do a sport.

Nanny0gg · 14/05/2022 10:31

ouch321 · 14/05/2022 02:40

You sound boring.
People are allowed to do things for fun.

Rude and totally unconstructive.

Op you need to sit down and properly look at how leisure time (ha!) should be shared between him, you and the family

Also factoring the domestic load which he should be sharing outside work hours

noborisno · 14/05/2022 10:32

No, the enjoyment your husband manages to extract from life via golf outside of work is valuable to his mental wellbeing.

You are mean. Let him have a weekly hobby.

Bubblesandsqueak1 · 14/05/2022 10:34

@hardbackwriter she said the golf is 4 hours on a Saturday 6 if travel included thats not even half of Saturday she could easily take tge other half of Saturday and do something then they have suday as family time its not rocket science really to work out shared free time, the op will also be on mat leave atm so its probably not helping her feelings on the matter

user1471457751 · 14/05/2022 10:39

You can't blame parenthood for giving up you hobby 3 years before your first child was even born. Sounds like you stopped doing your hobby (for some reason) and now are jealous your husband has something outside of family life he enjoys doing.

BlueSuffragette · 14/05/2022 10:42

Just needs one if the earliest tee off times to be home at lunchtime. Then you've got family time in the afternoon and all day Sunday. Maybe you take up your own hobby again to ensure you have some 'me' time. Happy life is a balance and needs some compromise.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 14/05/2022 10:43

I think he should massively reduce yes. Kids that age are hard work. It's not fair leaving you to do his share on top of yours for pretty much the entire day every single weekend. If you did the same then you would have literally no family days ever.

Badlifeday · 14/05/2022 10:43

Stomacharmeleon · 14/05/2022 10:04

My partner plays every weekend but.... he plays early doors (generally up and out by 6am) then it doesn't affect our day.

I also think it's important to have hobbies/ friends/ interests that aren't in the house.

I think this works fine as long as he doesn't expect a lie in on the Sunday - as that is obviously the only day the other parent can do this since he chooses to spend Sat am playing golf.
different with older dc who amuse themselves a bit and sleep later - little ones/babies are such a full on job.

Manicsfan · 14/05/2022 10:46

I think its too much OP. But a difficult situation.
I think in your circumstance, I'd have discussion before you get mad and resentful.
Work out how many hours he is out of the house (average them out over month). Sit down calmly and say hey we really need to sort this out. You get x hours for hobbies and I'm struggling to get 1 hour. How can we even this up? And see what he says. If he's a good partner, he'll offer suggestions around when you can get a whole day off (OK maybe when your baby is a bit bigger). Or which evening he'd like to come homr early so you can go out, etc. He will see disparity and be open to discussion
If he is selfish, he'll look at you blankly cos he doesn't give a shit if you have any leisure time or not.
If it's the latter, forget aspiring to family time, and take your own. Good luck.

oviraptor21 · 14/05/2022 10:49

Once a week and one evening seems fine to me. I'd stop the extra Sunday a month though - or that has to be instead of the Saturday.
A round of golf doesn't take all day so I'd be expecting him to be around for some of Saturday. I see you've said 6 hours so yes, that seems fine to me.
I'd also expect him to be taking on looking after the DC to enable you to have your own hobby time.

Fairislefandango · 14/05/2022 10:50

YANBU to expect him to limit it to once a week, and to make it an early one if it's at a weekend. YABVU to expect him to give it up. It is good for both parents to have interests and activities other than parenting. Dh and I always have. Neither of us has ever neglected our responsibilities or expected the other to give things up.

newbiename · 14/05/2022 10:50

I think he should cut down. If you gave up songwriting to save money , he should also cut back something.
If he has six hours for his hobby you should too.

Fizbosshoes · 14/05/2022 10:51

Hardbackwriter · 14/05/2022 10:20

People keep saying that she should get equal time but how? If he has every Saturday does she get every Sunday and they just never see each other, just hand the kids between them (and he can't have those Sundays any more, then, can he)? Or are people imagining some sort of bullshit where he goes out every Saturday, some Sundays and an evening and in 'return' she goes to an hour of Zumba every week?

I'm very firmly in team 'he doesn't need to stop completely but he needs to cut back dramatically', and for me for an activity like golf, given the time it takes, that would mean not weekly.

Show quote history

I don't necessarily think there should be a tit for tat to the nearest minute, but really that each partner should get some time to themselves and (if they want) time to do a hobby.

Lots of people have suggested ways golf doesnt have to take a full day. If he did for example 1 evening of golf and 4 hours on a Saturday, the OP might get 2 evenings "off" and/or saturday afternoon.

I imagine with a 1 month old and a toddler it's really just a break from being needed 24/7 that OP needs right now, regardless of what her hobbies are (or were) which is totally not unreasonable. Maybe weekend golf should be on a 2 or 3 week cycle rather than every weekend for a few months but I think it's do-able to fit into life with children. I think though resentment happens when one person has a hobby or sport that takes priority and the other person doesn't. If both have hobbies that they work into family life, it's probably more balanced.

StepAwayFromGoogling · 14/05/2022 10:51

Golf can start early, right? So he has e.g. Sat morning for his hobby, you have Sat afternoon for yours, Sunday is family time. YABVU to expect him to give it up completely.