To expect husband to give up golf now that we have a family?

[DisneyBaby]

My husband has always played golf since being a little kid (apart from the first 2 years when we met). He plays every Saturday without fail and probably one Sunday a month and then once a week after work in the summer too. So some weeks up to 3 times, others only once.
We've been together 12 years and have a family now, a 2 year old and a 1 month old.
I personally feel that any hobbies like that should go on the back burner for a bit whilst we bring up our children and spend quality time together as much as possible. Instead of being a member of a club like he is at the moment, he should just play casually, maybe once a month or something, and then he can get back into it more passionately once our children are grown in 10-15 years, is that unreasonable??
My 2 year old understands everything now and often asks where Daddy is, and I'm getting fed up of saying 'Daddy playing golf today'... At some point she's going to start reasoning that he'd rather do that then spend time with us, which is upsetting for me let alone her...
I used to be a songwriter, that was my hobby but I gave it up about 5 years ago when we started trying for a family. I feel that he should give up his hobby now too. AIBU?

YABVU, and I say that as a football season ticket holder, and the partner of someone who also has a very time-consuming and expensive hobby. If either of us suggested that the other should give it up, they would get a very blunt two word response.

He is entitled to maintain his own life and his own hobbies outside of being a husband and father, and so are you. Get yourself a hobby, and let him look after the kids while you are doing that.

If he's been playing since he was a kid he must be a pretty decent player by now. Even a long course should take less than 4 hours. He could go out for first tee and you have the rest of the day for family time. A casual knock is at least £40 a round, so makes sense to pay a membership if your playing once a week or more. You have to keep your eye in with something like that, plus it's good for fitness. Better golf than a night in the pub!

Why did he stop the first two years you were together?

Of course he should not be playing golf every weekend when you have tiny babies!!!!!!!!

WTAF

The fact you needed to even ask is a sign that things are not improving for women at all. All hobbies should be on the backburner until you are both in a position to enjoy some down time. How bloody selfish of him to leave you at home all day with such tiny little ones.

The discussion about hobbies, should have happened before the arrival of children, but now they are here - it needs to take place right now. I am amazed he ever imagined his life would continue exactly as before 😡

YANBU to perhaps ask him to cut down a bit and prioritise family over golf.

YABU to ask him to give up completely. It's really important IMO to have time for hobbies and socialising too.

Cut it down a bit - yes. Give it up - absolutely not. Life doesn’t stop just because you’ve had children and you don’t have to base your whole identity on being a parent - you are allowed to have a life outside of the home too!

Yabu. You can't ask someone to give up something they love and have done forever. There's compromise to be had. My husband is a cricketer so I know all about all day sports - he leaves at 9am on a Saturday and is back late evening.
It was tough when the kids were tiny but he compromised and didn't play Sundays as well, and very much knew how much it put on me, so was very careful to make sure I had time out too and spent every moment he could with the kids.

Haven't you posted about this before and he refused to change?

Cricket widow highfive

For every hour that he plays golf, you should have an hour away from the house doing whatever you want to do while he looks after the kids.

Phrase it like that to him. Say you absolutely support his golfing as it's so important to him, but you need equal time for yourself so he has to look after the kids just as you do.

Asking a golf monster to give it up ?. Never going to happen, not ever.

Maintaining outside interests is so important. Also sets a good example to kids (especially daughters) that their needs/ wants matter too.
My impression of your current set up is that you need to discuss him dialling down the frequency of his golf when the kids are small. As they get bigger maybe they can play too?

My father sailed competitively when I was a child. Thursday night racing & beer after work then lots of weekend time. My Mum made him diary in family days, the club had family racing days (in retrospect 5blokes & their kids on one yacht wasn't that safe but we had loads of fun) and on weekends when racing finished early he came home and we did family stuff - beach trips/ he took us social swimming (my mother hated sand in her car and was a non-swimmer so both of the above were out on her watch).
We moved away but I know from Dad's network that loads of the kids I sailed with have continued to sail and as adults it gives them a continuing bond with their parents which I think is lovely - family flotilla holidays!

YABU. Hobbies are important for mental well-being. My two are teens now and I love DH's golf time. It means time just with my children, which I love as it's a totally different dynamic, or the house to myself..

@kitkatkaytie

Thats something overlooked - every good marriage needs time apart rather than just both festering in the same house or at work. That’s not healthy.

DH is a keen golfer. He plays one evening in the week and then 18 holes on a Sunday so he's out most of the day. He's out in the fresh air, walking and getting exercise. I'd be pissed off if he was sat in the pub.

You just need to make sure that you get time for you as well. Then you won't feel resentful.

Its not about having the exact amount of free time, its about having time to do what you enjoy. Yes he should cut down, maybe do one night a week or a Saturday and the once a month Sunday, and OP should spend some time doing her hobby as well. She may not want to do it for 6 hours straight, it may be she just wants a couple of hours. Or as seems to be the case here she has decided she doesn't want any hobbies. That too me is a weird choice but it was her choice and she shouldn't be expecting her DH to do the same.

Are you giving up your hobbies too? It's healthy to have hobbies so IMO YABU. Obviously it needs to be a reasonable amount of time but I'm sure it is?

Sounds like the large part of the issue is the cost. Golf memberships are not cheap. I'd insist on the same amount of money being given for you for your pursuits - if the household can't afford it, then it can't really afford his golf membership either.

This was very unlikely to happen. And it doesn't sound like you discussed it before going ahead and having kids, so even less likely he will agree now. Being at home with two tiny children isn't much fun.
I'd suggest you focus on getting the same amount of alone time back, even if it doesn't seem worth it. If he has to trade you the hours back, it may make golf less appealing. (he may outsource to babysitter, in which case take the money equivalent as well). If you can't face it now, with a tiny baby, add it up and tell him you'll be taking a longer holiday alone when the kids are a bit older.
Golf widow is an expression for a reason.

Membership fees vary wildly across the country - where we used to live you could get a monthly membership for the municipal courses for £30 per month. Local private club memberships were about £550 per year.

Where we are now (expensive area) we pay £400 annual membership and then £10-15 per round (but also get some additional perks worth about £100 that we make use of).

I agree. Neither of you should need to give up your hobbies, and it's not clear why you gave up yours.

Maybe your DH should cut back a bit, but once/twice a week sounds very reasonable to me. And then he should also look after the children while you have time to yourself, if you do want to pick your hobby back up.

No way, hobbies are healthy and you should have yours too. When our DC was born max DH’s handicap went down to 3. We made the most of maternity leave - both of us.

@TheAbbotOfUnreason I'm in Scotland and local golf membership fees are a minimum of £1k per annum, and often a lot more.

@rookiemere

1k a year isn’t much though. Were I am I think it’s that and a half if I remember right.

Obviously, as many posters have said, you both get equal leisure time. So for each hour he’s away, you get the same.

How did your songwriting cost money?

It’s good to have an identity outside of your reproductive status.