To fantasise about not being with my husband and his children

[YoyosToe]

Is this normal or is it a really bad sign?

I find myself daydreaming quite often about how it would be just me and our DC and sometimes I even desperately wish that were the case.

My husband and DSC have gone out tonight so it's just been me and our DC. I've put them to bed and just sat down and the house is so lovely and quiet and I can just be by myself and to be totally honest I'm dreading them coming home.

I find step parenting difficult to enjoy and it would be huge weight lifted off me not to have to do it anymore.

I do love my husband, which is why it's so weird to say this (or type this) out loud and most of the time we get on really well, have a laugh, care for each other etc.. but I just long for a less hectic life sometimes. The house just feels busy and noisy all the time.

Just to add I don't mean to say single parenting is easy, I just mean I long to have to think and consider less people (i.e. just me and my children)! If that makes sense at all.

I like you OP…you’re articulate and not taking the tawdry old crap that always get pedalled out on these threads. Good.

I’d hate to be in your position. Truly, it sounds like a shitfest. Your dh is a selfish, lazy, manipulative husband and father…but you know that. I feel very sorry for you.

You’ve got to tell him straight and ignore any accusations of hating his kids that he levels at you in the course of doing so. If it takes days of tantrum and sulking and accusation, so be it. Stick to your point.
If he won’t accept your boundary he’s a wanker and you’ll have to make alternative plans.

I think you need to get the message across to your husband as clearly as you have set it out on this thread. Don’t let him make it about you not liking his DC, just keep reiterating that it’s all about him.

And any time I make a sound at not being happy with the situation I'm accused of dislike of his DC.

Your reply is:

No, it's YOUR attitude to me that I dislike. YOU expect ME to do YOUR parenting.

Op, when he gets back, be ready to go out. Grab your keys, "I'm just popping out" & go. Get some peace for a few hours. When you return, sit down & put your feet up. Say no to any requests child related. Go and have a soak in the bath.

Tomorrow, get up and go out alone. Stay out for however long he disappeared for today. Turn your phone off. Do something for you.

When you get back & he starts moaning you tell him that unless he steps up & starts parenting HIS OWN CHILDREN, you will be doing this every weekend.

He needs to do some school runs.
He needs to look after ALL the children 50% of the time you are both home.
He needs to be a parent.

You are burnt out & need just time for you. You are supposed to be a team, not a man & a skivvy.

He is happy to coast along leaving all the hard work to you. Of course he is! Nice easy life for him. YOU are the only one who can change this. Start today.

I wish you luck.

It is outrageous the way some posters find a way to lay the blame for any situation involving stepchildren entirely at the door of the stepmother. On every single thread.

It is kind of the worst though. Your husband doesn't respect you and blames you when you suggest he parents his own children. I'd resent the hell out of that.

It's also why I never date men that are already parents, but you're there now. Time to speak to him again and say you're done doing it all. If he blames you again for disliking the children - leave.

Could you find some regular baby classes and tell your DH that he needs to organise childcare for your SC for those half days every week?

Are the SC at school? In which case he needs to start doing most of the school runs.

And at the weekend make sure you have some regular commitments so he has to look after all the children at once. He needs to understand what that's like.

If people truly "knew what they were getting into" then divorce wouldn't be a thing. But they don't, and it is.
If the thread was simply "DH leaves me to do everything for the kids - AIBU to think he's a knob?" it would have a totally different vibe.
Add in some kids who are not yours and weirdly the expectation is that you deserve to be lumbered as a punishment for being in their lives at all.
It's a very strange attitude.

It's like he doesn't have to ask because in his mind the DC are my job whereas if I want to do anything I need to ask if it's alright first if that makes sense?

This is ridiculous. So he gets to do whatever he likes whenever without even discussing it. But you do permanent ‘default’ childcare for your and his kids to enable this.

No wonder you are finding it’s all a bit much!

You don’t have to do this just because he expects you to. Set your boundaries.

May not expect to be a full time so, but we all know that it's a possibility when choosing that life. Do can hardly then complain when it comes reality.

I would walk away from this situation op. It sounds so stressful and you could be living a peaceful life with just your DC, parenting the way you want and giving 100% of yourself to your own children. Your dh is taking advantage of you.

The fact they’re stepchildren is a bit of a red herring. The situation would be the same if they were your biological children. He’d be leaving you to do the parenting and wife work. He’s doing the same with your shared children, but you resent that less because they’re your children.

Although one major advantage of being a stepmother is that you get to see what kind of a father a man is before you decide to have children with him.

but we all know that it's a possibility when choosing that life. Do can hardly then complain when it comes reality.

I hope you say the same to anyone complaining their husbands leave all the childcare of their own children to them.

It's always a possibility when you have children with someone that they'll leave it all with you so they can hardly complain when it comes reality obviously.

May not expect to be a full time so, but we all know that it's a possibility when choosing that life. Do can hardly then complain when it comes reality.

You're choosing to ignore the becoming the main carer because the actual parent doesn't bother element. If my DSS came here full time I would expect DP to do the vast majority of the work. So of course I could complain if he didn't.

And honestly this wider debate has been had hundreds of times on MN. I would complain if my SC came to live with me in the same way I would complain about any other thing that is a possibility but is really unlikely, like DP losing his job or falling ill. Something being a possibility doesn't mean that it is likely.

May not expect to be a full time so, but we all know that it's a possibility when choosing that life. Do can hardly then complain when it comes reality.

Living with you full time is a possibility, yes. Being the sole carer, while their actual parents swan around without a care in the world, no.

So, yes OP is well within her rights to complain about being left caring for children who are not her own while their parents do nothing except accuse her of not liking them when she attempts to hand responsibility back.

The only person who can change this situation is you. You've essentially got three choices. 1: continue to suck it up and feel resentful 2: leave 3:speak to DH making it as clear as you can that it can't continue, that it's not about your love for the kids but that you didn't sign up for this and you're considering 2.

Good luck

“can hardly complain”

Yes she can. And fucking loudly. I would.

This is what I daydream about yes!

I'm sure it wouldn't be as perfect as I imagine it but it sounds better than now. It's such an upheaval for everyone though.

That sounds really tough and unfair OP. How old are the children? Are they able to take care of themselves while you WFH/supervise them?
You knew you were going to become a SM when you married. But you did not know that would result in becoming a full time mum to all of the DC while also working.
Can you list out everything that you do extra for the SC? Over and above looking after your own DC? Ie supervising homework, taking them to scouts, dentists, extra ironing etc and supervising during school hols while your own DC are in childcare and you are working etc? Might that help him see the extra impact it's having on you and how little he is picking up?

It is possible but you need to try to talk to him again first. He’ll probably deflect and say that you may as well look after them if you’ve got your own with you or something similar. But if looking after kids is so easy then why isn’t he doing it? Good luck with it, he’s taking the piss massively.

You're mixing things here.

You chose to get into a relationship with a friend a man with children. There was always a possibility that they would end up living with you even if not at the start of that relationship. This has happened and can hardly be such a shock can it.

As for your second supposed deduction, that it's always a possibility when you have children with someone that they'll leave it all with you so can hardly complain when it comes reality obviously, is very different and not comparable at all. If the partner was a lazy arse hole to start with then yes a likely outcome. But totally irrelevant to this thread.

You've become a ft stepparent. Not a shocker. Not a shocker you don't like it especially now that you have your own biological child who obviously is worth more to you. Not unusual that this happens either.

You've allowed the situation re the responsibility of the step children to unfold. You need to address this if that is such an issue. Though I do think that you'd do this without thinking if it was only your biological children and the stepchildren are supposed to be a part of your unit.

If you have issues regarding disciplining the sc etc raise that. Or explain if you're not permitted to do so, then he takes full responsibility for them.

If the father leaves the house to escape parenting raise that. Its a shitty thing to do whether sc or biological children.

But this situation was your choice. You just didn't really think through the potential implications of it and for that you have only your self to blame.

YANBU. I was a step parent in my twenties and would never, ever go there again. Parenting is hard enough, but parenting someone else’s child, a child that has been brought up a certain way, a child you cannot really raise ‘your way’, is often a thankless, stressful and unrewarding task that more often than not, brings with it life of being ‘second best’. Fuck that. I decided to never date a man with kids again, and life has been so much less complicated (and happier) because of that decision. DH had the same criteria when dating as he had also had negative experiences of step parenting. We have both commented on how much easier our lives are without this ‘added stress’. So, just to say, I totally get where you are coming from

You are allowed to feel the way you do and don’t let anyone shout you down.

Then you'd best look at the reality of you being financially accountable if so appealing as you'd like it it be looking at getting such a great deal with child maintenance when he has 2 sc overnight ft and the would also have your shared child at least eow. Though I suppose you'd get that supposed peace you seek...

Start looking at the reality of sharing your biological child at Christmas, their birthdays alternating, Lok at living costs....

You chose to get into a relationship with a friend a man with children. There was always a possibility that they would end up living with you even if not at the start of that relationship. This has happened and can hardly be such a shock can it.

Yes it can be a shock. You always talk about this with absolute undue confidence but actually you have no idea of other people's situations and how likely it is or is presented to be that the SC will come to live with you full time. It can easily be a shock.

“blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah…you only have yourself to blame”

is how I read that

shoos choicemummy away

This is a crap situation for the SDC as well as the OP. They have two parents - neither of them are caring for their children. They have outsourced this to someone who is understandably resentful and overwhelmed. And yet so many people are blaming OP. She's the one who is doing her best with all the children!