To fantasise about not being with my husband and his children

[YoyosToe]

Is this normal or is it a really bad sign?

I find myself daydreaming quite often about how it would be just me and our DC and sometimes I even desperately wish that were the case.

My husband and DSC have gone out tonight so it's just been me and our DC. I've put them to bed and just sat down and the house is so lovely and quiet and I can just be by myself and to be totally honest I'm dreading them coming home.

I find step parenting difficult to enjoy and it would be huge weight lifted off me not to have to do it anymore.

I do love my husband, which is why it's so weird to say this (or type this) out loud and most of the time we get on really well, have a laugh, care for each other etc.. but I just long for a less hectic life sometimes. The house just feels busy and noisy all the time.

Just to add I don't mean to say single parenting is easy, I just mean I long to have to think and consider less people (i.e. just me and my children)! If that makes sense at all.

“SHIT” step mum
not short!

I admire you OP. You're in an impossible situation, not of your own making. Talk to your husband and be firm. Tell him things either have to massively change or you're going it alone. Take no shit.

I already answered this for you.

When I say I’d be a shit mum that is probably actually underplaying it!
i would hate to spend any of my earned money on SC as I’d be thinking… I could have spent that on my children.

my last Rolo would ALWAYS go to my children (meticulously split!).

God, I’d be awful as a step mum!

Notagamer it’s interesting watching my 13 year old navigate friendships and those rules holding true!

She had an awful experience of a new friend betraying her / spreading lies. During the friendship she had misgivings as the girl had form for being very unkind to others in the past - inevitably eventually was dds turn. She now only gets close to girls with a good track record of friendship which she checks out. - hope she keeps this in mind when she’s older!

Absolutely this.

I'll add, a man who doesn't see his dc from a previous relationship is highly likely to not see the dc from the second relationship if it all goes tits up.

For example/ birthdays.

i make a huge deal of my children’s birthday morning. Decorate the dining room, hide presents around the room, treat breakfast and arrange little surprises throughout the day.

1. the idea of other children being present is unappealing (even another man actually)
2. the idea of feeling under pressure to make a similar effort for SC? Not on your life. But then they’d see they effort and presumably feel a bit shit when I hand over a card and present and say”happy birthday”!

Right... But not everyone is you.

Some people could make great step parents if they themselves aren't treated like shit or taken for granted by their husband. Why is that suddenly on them or their fault if that then happens?

I've been actually a really good step mother in the past imo. This situation which no I don't accept is my fault or my doing has chipped away at that ability to the point where I no longer think this is an acceptable situation.

It's like saying if you marry a man who has lots of female friends you should have foreseen that he may cheat on you down the line because it was always a possibility so I have no sympathy for you. I'd never marry a man with lots of female friends because it would make me paranoid and unhappy so therefore you shouldn't have either and it's now your fault that he's cheated. Clever old me would never have done such a stupid thing.

How about blaming the cheating husband?

In short

where there is smoke, invariably there’s fire

Okay but none of that was him at the outset.

What are you struggling with?

We get it @notagamer you'd never be as daft as silly old me. Never made a mistake have you? How did you end up a single parent? Hope you never complain! Should have foreseen it.

I think the point is

man currently absolutely fine at outset BUT gambling addiction in past - i would avoid

man currently absolutely fine at outset but also how problem in past - I would avoid

man currently absolutely fine and not cheating, but previously had an affair - I would avoid

man currently absolutely great father and NRP at the outset - I would avoid

why- the risk of the situation changing is too high

Sorry second example was meant to say
a man currently fine at the outset but problem with alcohol in the past- I would avoid

Absolutely not

i only came on to clarify what I thought a point a PP was making

i will bow out

How is this relevant though? Not everyone sees someone having children as an immediately bad trait about them. Being a gambling addict is not the same.

The comparable situation in that instance would be a man who I'd seen previously leave all the childcare to another woman. If I'd then proceeded to marry him and then complain of the same thing then yes I'd have been an idiot.

But it's so ridiculous to suggest it's in the same vein as him being previously a gambling addict or a cheater or whatever else.

Would you like someone to compare you to an ex adulterer or addict simply because you have children? I don't see my children as a mistake I've made in the past that people would be right to judge me for personally. But each to their own.

I think you should avoid all men then because there is always the possibility that things might change for the worse. Illness, disability, redundancy, all sorts of possibilities… and things can spiral in ways you don’t imagine.

and they aren’t necessarily going to tell you they used to be a gambling addict or had an affair. You tend to find out the supposed red flags retrospectively.

I think you should avoid all men

any man with children should avoid ME!

Because as I say any SC would never ever be remotely a priority to me. And I’d ALWAYS put my children first in any and every scenario. Would be very very unfair on them.

I'm not the one who is struggling, you are.

Get rid of your useless husband as you sound so resentful of him and his children and that will help.

Get rid of your useless husband as you sound so resentful of him and his children and that will help.

No. She resents the situation her husband has created. She does not sound resentful of the children at all.

So by your logic @notagamer, a man who did not have RP, & who was a hands-on father when his DC came to him for their regular stays, should have been a good bet.
OP's H was like that, so she had every reason to believe he would continue parenting his own children properly.

But guess what - the reason he has dumped all the childcare & drudge onto OP has got fuck-all to do with her being a stepmother, & 100% to do with her H being a choosing to be a selfish, irresponsible arsehole.

If she had posted about "her DC" who were solely hers & her H's, PP would be up in arms about his neglect. But mention the word "step" & all the idiotic bigotry comes out, & the OP should "squash her feelings down deep" & deserves castigation for not being psychic.
Although she has done nothing different than solely biological mothers whose husbands acted reasonably pre-DC, but then changed tack & refused to parent or do household chores, as they see their wife as 'trapped' & they allow their hidden misogyny to surface.

I can only empathise with you.

Honestly, I wouldn't leave, but I WOULD start working outside the home and force him go participate more in the childcare/family work. His attitude seems to hinge upon you being wfh, once you work outside the house you will be on an equal footing with him and can shut down any arguments about it with simple logic.

It really is black and white regarding the SC - if you left, you'd have no legal rights to see them so why should you be devoting more time, attention and energy than their own father? You shouldn't be giving them none of that, but he should ALWAYS be the one doing more.

Start taking yourself off for the day without asking or telling him and leaving him with all the kids. I bet this will only happen a couple of times before he realises what he does to you too.

You've said it will be hard. Change is hard. Staying in the status quo and your marital happiess slowly rotting within is hard as well. Find the strength to fight through the difficulty of it and make some changes to your life that will result in longer term happiness (I.e. forcing your husband to step up).

In your opinion. In mine, she does.

Personally, I would never ever consider even dating a man with kids - I know I do not want to be involved in raising someone else's kids or all the drama that inevitably comes with doing so. I want to raise my child, and I'm happy to do it alone. Step parenting is hard, it's even harder if your husband / partner abdicates his responsibilities and dumps them on you. Unless someone has strong boundaries this can easily happen... it's usually a slow creep, and without you really realizing it one day you turn around and see that you're raising your kids + theirs. If MN is a reflection of society, this seems to happen with shocking frequency & is the source of a lot of discontent in many women.

It's not the kids fault that neither their Mum nor their Dad seem to want to care for them, but that's not your fault either. It's not your job to raise someone else's kids. Changing this is hard, and will require your husband to acknowledge what's happened and proactively take on raising his own kids ( as opposed to you stopping doing it).

If she does resent them, it’s a byproduct of their father’s failure though.

The problem remains the man who doesn’t step up to his own responsibilities.

Yes correct.

Get rid of this useless man will get rid of the resentment she is feeling.