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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To fantasise about not being with my husband and his children

313 replies

YoyosToe · 13/05/2022 19:57

Is this normal or is it a really bad sign?

I find myself daydreaming quite often about how it would be just me and our DC and sometimes I even desperately wish that were the case.

My husband and DSC have gone out tonight so it's just been me and our DC. I've put them to bed and just sat down and the house is so lovely and quiet and I can just be by myself and to be totally honest I'm dreading them coming home.

I find step parenting difficult to enjoy and it would be huge weight lifted off me not to have to do it anymore.

I do love my husband, which is why it's so weird to say this (or type this) out loud and most of the time we get on really well, have a laugh, care for each other etc.. but I just long for a less hectic life sometimes. The house just feels busy and noisy all the time.

Just to add I don't mean to say single parenting is easy, I just mean I long to have to think and consider less people (i.e. just me and my children)! If that makes sense at all.

OP posts:
RocketsMagnificent7 · 14/05/2022 09:45

pictish · 14/05/2022 09:42

“blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah…you only have yourself to blame”

is how I read that

shoos choicemummy away

👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼

It really was a load of old waffle. Serious mental gymnastics in order to make this the fault of the OP.

pictish · 14/05/2022 09:47

Wimbunds · 14/05/2022 09:43

This is a crap situation for the SDC as well as the OP. They have two parents - neither of them are caring for their children. They have outsourced this to someone who is understandably resentful and overwhelmed. And yet so many people are blaming OP. She's the one who is doing her best with all the children!

Exactly, exactly.

Original poster
YoyosToe · 14/05/2022 09:48

You sound like a very unkind person choicemummy lacking all ability to empathize, just FYI.

Him leaving everything to me is entirely relevant to the thread, that's what it was about...

I'm not going to engage with you further. You obviously have very engrained opinions on step parenting that are of no use to me or this situation and are actually entirely irrelevant to my issue.

OP posts:
pictish · 14/05/2022 09:49

“Serious mental gymnastics in order to make this the fault of the OP.”

Funny if not so ill-advised. God some people are obstinate.

Original poster
YoyosToe · 14/05/2022 09:51

I've seen your comment on another thread this morning too, it seems you would actually blame a mother finding parenting difficult of her own children too. So seems you're just that kind of person all round. Not something I relate to so I'll just leave the back and forth with you there.

OP posts:
notagamer · 14/05/2022 09:52

I bet your children loved the evening OP even more than you

Original poster
YoyosToe · 14/05/2022 09:53

notagamer · 14/05/2022 09:52

I bet your children loved the evening OP even more than you

Probably yes. They got me 100%.

I think I might make some plans to do something special with them soon. Might even take them away for a long weekend me and them for some time together.

I know it doesn't solve the problem though.

OP posts:
Newestname002 · 14/05/2022 09:58

@YoyosToe

This is what I daydream about yes! I'm sure it wouldn't be as perfect as I imagine it but it sounds better than now. It's such an upheaval for everyone though.

Yes it is a upheaval, in all sorts of ways. But the solution isn't just to stay with the way things are currently- and you becoming increasingly unhappy. Be clear in your mind about what you want to happen and what you and, separately your DP/DH, need to do to make this happen. Don't just accept the status quo, but check out what you need to do if he doesn't step up and you decided to separate. Good luck. 🌹

AnotherForumUser · 14/05/2022 09:58

ChoiceMummy · 14/05/2022 09:40

Then you'd best look at the reality of you being financially accountable if so appealing as you'd like it it be looking at getting such a great deal with child maintenance when he has 2 sc overnight ft and the would also have your shared child at least eow. Though I suppose you'd get that supposed peace you seek...

Start looking at the reality of sharing your biological child at Christmas, their birthdays alternating, Lok at living costs....

Show quote history

Financially accountable! The OP works. There are clues in her posts. She mentions arranging work schedules. She says she WFH. Did you miss that in your gleeful rush to be spiteful and patronising? The OP works and EARNS. So I yeah I reckon she knows about financial accountability. She works while also taking care of the children because the father is too busy and important to do any grunt work in bringing up the children he has fathered on two different women.

notagamer · 14/05/2022 09:59

@ChoiceMummy

is your position in a sentence

you knew this was a possibility for you are a fool to complain?

i don’t disagree that it would be odd for me to go in to this situation knowing that I’d be a shit step mum and hate it and I don’t want it for my children

however if my understanding of your stance is correct - that is a very black and white way to live. No one can ever complain about anything if there was a risk of their decision not working out

BungleandGeorge · 14/05/2022 10:07

What I don’t understand is your animosity towards their mum. She used to be RP (and you were happy for her to have that responsibility) and now they’ve flipped and their dad is. So it sounds like they’re both doing a fair share of the parenting? Why does that make her useless? I think you’d probably find that being RP to your children with a part time ex isn’t the idyll you imagine, but you probably know that as you’d rather stay in the relationship. I think the only thing you can do is make it harder to be used as childcare by being out of the house. How old are the older children? Is he leaving them because their teens and he would do so whether you were there or not?

ImBurtMacklin · 14/05/2022 10:09

It does sound like your DP has moved you from being the step parent to now being the default parent of his children.

The question is how far are you willing to push back? You could refuse to be the default childcare during weekends and holidays, making your DP decide how to handle this going forward. Either he takes time off work or he has conversations with his ex wife.

It does sound very unfair on you, you have my sympathies.

Original poster
YoyosToe · 14/05/2022 10:10

So it sounds like they’re both doing a fair share of the parenting?

Hahahaha.

No she is useless. She met someone and decided she couldn't be arsed with her kids anymore, I won't go into the whole sorry saga but she is. She's sees them but barely at all. They can go weeks without seeing her because she made it clear they aren't her priority anymore. She's always away or busy or has plans or 'having a life' as she likes to say.

OP posts:
oviraptor21 · 14/05/2022 10:11

You sound like you are at the end of your tether OP.

How long have the SC been with you as RP now? How old are they?
Have you had a break in all that time?
Has your DH made any contribution?
Are the current child arrangements court ordered or by agreement?

I think you need to have a conversation with your DH about how he is going to step up more to reduce the burden on you. Or how his ex is going to step up more.
If the SC are older it may be that when they start secondary school for example the burden will reduce and things will become manageable again.
Can DH get some flexibility with his work until then?
If DH suggests you don't like his DC remind him that you chose to look after 1 child and that it's looking after more that's the problem, not 'who' those additional DC are.

PumpkinsandKittens · 14/05/2022 10:15

I have to admit I just don’t get threads like this, I know I will never be a step mum , I don’t want to be one ever so I choose never to date anyone with kids. Whether that means being alone forever so be it but I will never love anyone else’s children like my own or even close, mine will always be first and I also don’t want anyone else’s children in my house. There is always a possibility that things can change and he could end up the RP I think you was very naive to think that wasn’t a possibility

DaleTrimont · 14/05/2022 10:15

Totally understandable OP. I can’t imagine the woman who wouldn’t be feeling resentful and angry in this situation. It is very wrong of your DH to have everything tailored around him, and to weaponise his children to win any discussion on parenting. Obviously this can’t go on. You are unhappy and being treated like a live in nanny.
You will have to call him out on using the “you don’t like my children” tactic. 8n your place I would probably just tel him this -
“I am so unhappy and resentful about my role as main career for your children as well as our children, that I fantasise about being a single mother and I have asked for advice on an Internet forum “ .

The ball needs to be firmly hit into in his court. These are HIS children. You seem to have all the drudgery and none of the joy, as you can’t make any decisions, or have any free time which would allow you to feel happier. (This applies to your own DC but also to his).

How many children and how old are they OP ?

Tough as it is, if he refuses to properly parent his children, and still leaves everything to you, then yes, I would consider divorce. Not because of the children but because it shows a staggering lack of care and respect for you and everything you do.

Cherrysoup · 14/05/2022 10:15

YoyosToe · 14/05/2022 09:28

This is what I daydream about yes!

I'm sure it wouldn't be as perfect as I imagine it but it sounds better than now. It's such an upheaval for everyone though.

Show quote history

Well, it’s that or just carry on, given your dh is dumping everything on you and is guilting you into doing it and goes crazy when you complain. If you left, he’d have to actually parent his own dc, shocker! He’s using you as a childminder. Upping and leaving this morning so he can do some random work thing is appalling of him. Why are you tolerating this?

KettrickenSmiled · 14/05/2022 10:17

SerenaVanDerWoodsenNY · 13/05/2022 23:57

Didn't you knew he has a kid before marrying him? Why did you married him if you can't love his daughter?? I'm always confused about step parents who complain that the step kids exist!! HE-FUCKING-LLO.. You chose to marry him. You chose to be in that poor child's life

HE-FUCKING-LLO to you too @SerenaVanDerWoodsenNY

Why not save your bile for the DC's mother, who is too 'useless' to have residency, & their father, who does less childcare for them than OP does?

lemongreentea · 14/05/2022 10:22

You sound very tired and resentful of the ex-wife when its your husband who is not stepping up and leaving everything for you to do and sort out.

The best thing to do is to ask fot a divorce and leave him and his children to do. Maybe the ex-wife will stop being useless or your (ex) husband will have to parent his own children.

You will also probably have full custody of your own children so no need to worry about that. Unless he finds another mug to look after his multiple children.

Can you afford to separate and buy your own property? If you then just leave.

KettrickenSmiled · 14/05/2022 10:23

Tamzo85 · 14/05/2022 05:41

YABU. You married this man knowing he had children and choosing to make more with him. It’s not as simple as leaving and taking “your children” - those are his children and the children you don’t want arounds siblings.

You will receive support on here purely because feelings on the part of the stepmother like this are are usually validated here but irl? If you want to stay married and not screw up your own kids as well as his (because it will if they learn of this and the consequences to it happen) bury this deep down, so deep you never talk about it to anyone.

That won’t go down well here on Mumsnet, but irl if you act on this or explain how you feel NOBODY in your close situation will be sympathetic. Because it would be disgraceful if either “your” kids, his kids or him found out about this.

What a ridiculous post. Stepmothers typically get a pasting on MN, there absolutely is not a supportive bias toward them.

A biological mother can own exactly these feelings - one already has on page one of this thread, & another has a much more strongly worded thread of her own today.
But if a stepmother dare say an honest word about her own overwhelm or tiredness ... out come the venomous, judgemental comments. That's what's "disgraceful" here @Tamzo85 - not OP's perfectly human need to vent her reasonable feelings.

Motnight · 14/05/2022 10:24

Bloody hell so much vitriol on this thread.

Op you know that you have a dh problem. That's a great start, lots of posters in similar positions don't even get that.

What would you making yourself less available for childcare look like practically? Is it about you working from an office so that you have a conversation with dh about how all childcare will have to change now? Or is it something bigger? How do you think that your dh will react?

You sound at the end of your tether and if you had posted about this without mentioning that step children were involved I think that you would have had a different response from some posters.

Hulahihi · 14/05/2022 10:26

Oh OP this sounds like such an awful situation. Given that when you raise it your DH just accuses you of not liking the kids I think you should tell him you are considering divorce and ask him to go to counselling with you. That may be a way that he finally realises what he is putting on you and changes (I imagine he will try as he couldn't cope with his kids alone). If not then you separate. As horrible as it is to the stepkids it's not fair on you.

RocketsMagnificent7 · 14/05/2022 10:26

There is always a possibility that things can change and he could end up the RP I think you was very naive to think that wasn’t a possibility

There is a huge difference between her husband becoming RP and OP being lumbered with all childcare responsibilities. She already said she'd be happy to support her husband in his role as RP but he's just dumped it all into her.

ChoiceMummy · 14/05/2022 10:27

Newestname002 · 14/05/2022 09:58

@YoyosToe

This is what I daydream about yes! I'm sure it wouldn't be as perfect as I imagine it but it sounds better than now. It's such an upheaval for everyone though.

Yes it is a upheaval, in all sorts of ways. But the solution isn't just to stay with the way things are currently- and you becoming increasingly unhappy. Be clear in your mind about what you want to happen and what you and, separately your DP/DH, need to do to make this happen. Don't just accept the status quo, but check out what you need to do if he doesn't step up and you decided to separate. Good luck. 🌹

There is a real difference between working and earning x amount and being financially accountable alone, managing to run a home and provide for children.

Very, very different.

It is all sow asy to say she works. Millions of parents do. Many of those millions could not manage alone. That is why so many remain.

So as I said, if she doesn't wish to remain in the status quo, having ignored the advice to discuss with the partner etc. Then get real about what it would really be like if she separated.

She's be forever beholden. Not abke to relocate unless the father agrees. Not able to make unilateral decisions re the children. Sharing special occasions and not being present on half of them.

Sound idyllic?

I'm lucky, I have my child 100% of the time. It's amazing. I chose this life and am financially accountable for everything. I know and live the realities.

chisanunian · 14/05/2022 10:28

There is nothing wrong with needing some breathing space.

I love my family dearly, but my God, when they are all out of the house and I'm on my own in it, it is sheer bliss.

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