Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To fantasise about not being with my husband and his children

313 replies

YoyosToe · 13/05/2022 19:57

Is this normal or is it a really bad sign?

I find myself daydreaming quite often about how it would be just me and our DC and sometimes I even desperately wish that were the case.

My husband and DSC have gone out tonight so it's just been me and our DC. I've put them to bed and just sat down and the house is so lovely and quiet and I can just be by myself and to be totally honest I'm dreading them coming home.

I find step parenting difficult to enjoy and it would be huge weight lifted off me not to have to do it anymore.

I do love my husband, which is why it's so weird to say this (or type this) out loud and most of the time we get on really well, have a laugh, care for each other etc.. but I just long for a less hectic life sometimes. The house just feels busy and noisy all the time.

Just to add I don't mean to say single parenting is easy, I just mean I long to have to think and consider less people (i.e. just me and my children)! If that makes sense at all.

OP posts:
LidlMissSunshine · 14/05/2022 08:00

I would really love to see ‘you knew what you were getting into’ squashed once and for all. Or even banned on this board. it’s such an irretrievably stupid thing to say.

Nobody knows what a situation is going to be like in two, three, four years down the line. Especially not a situation with as many moving parts as step-parenting. And especially if you’ve never had any previous experience of parenting and your first experience of parenting your own DCs happens within a step family context.

lovelyweathertoday · 14/05/2022 08:01

It's like he doesn't have to ask because in his mind the DC are my job whereas if I want to do anything I need to ask if it's alright first if that makes sense?

I am not surprised he got divorced once already. Try talking to him, point out that he should get agreement from you, not just go out when he wants. If that doesn't work start going out yourself without warning, If he doesn't step up he's a selfish arse.

Original poster
YoyosToe · 14/05/2022 08:03

And yes sometimes I do long to just be able to think about my DC only or have time with them by ourselves so yeah... burn me at the stake.

OP posts:
lovelyweathertoday · 14/05/2022 08:03

Helpful note < b r > adds a new paragraph (no spaces).

HandbagsnGladrags · 14/05/2022 08:04

The more I read, the more I think this man got married to get another mother for his kids. He is massively taking the piss and you need to stop doing it. I don't parent my stepchild. Sure, I cook meals and throw washing on, in equal amounts to my husband. That's where it ends. That's not running two separate households, it's just having boundaries in place.

notagamer · 14/05/2022 08:06

until I realised how much they always love coming back to the sanctuary they have here.

exactly same here
it is telling that my place, they call “home” and their father’s they call “dad’s”.

he is a great dad but I know that hurts.

but they come here and it’s just me. And they know that they are are the centre of my life and this home. And that is very comforting and settling to children

Sceptre86 · 14/05/2022 08:06

You've been incredibly honest but it does read as unpleasant. I would probably feel the same in your situation though. The main issue though is your dh and his thinking, you need to communicate better and challenge this. He needs to change his behaviour and you should make him aware that this isn't sustainable. It is incredibly unfair to have to have sole responsibility for children when you aren't even allowed to make decisions or discipline them. You are clearly are caring person to have even gotten this far without creating a stink. Best of luck op, just know that nothing will change unless difficult conversations are had.

notagamer · 14/05/2022 08:08

YoyosToe · 14/05/2022 08:03

And yes sometimes I do long to just be able to think about my DC only or have time with them by ourselves so yeah... burn me at the stake.

Exactly why I will never blend families
OP

because MY children first middle and last.

NOTANUM · 14/05/2022 08:09

I suspect the challenge here is that many posters see step parenting as some type of adoption, where you’re the new parent and will love and treat them all the same. That only works like that if the other parent isn’t on the scene and maybe has never been on the scene much. Otherwise it’s much more complicated than that.

OP - your DP is rather lucky you WFH! It’s not the DSC that is the issue here, it’s the expectation that you do ALL the childcare/mental load. I’d insist he did half the days from home or arranged alternatives for ALL the children if he thinks it’s that said.

But as for him being sensitive when you bring it up, that’s a form of control as it shuts you up. Pretty unfair.

Loopytiles · 14/05/2022 08:10

‘due to work schedules between me and DH I typically end up doing most things for all the DC’

’work schedules’ could be changed should your H choose to prioritise parenting and do a fair share.

RocketsMagnificent7 · 14/05/2022 08:10

THisbackwithavengeance · 14/05/2022 07:54

So leave?

Get divorced. The situation is clearly not for you.

I hate threads like this where people suggest that you do nothing for your DSC, like some sort of Cinderella parody where you parent your own kids and ignore the DSCs like running 2 separate households under the same roof. You should do for your DSCs what you do for your own DCs whilst they are living with you.

I find it hard to understand why you can't muster up some affection or sense of duty and care to your own DC's siblings without resentment but I'm in a minority here clearly.

Try reading OP's posts again.

She does treat her SC the same as her own. She does everything for them. What she's asking for is some support from their actual parents. She doesn't resent the SC she resents their parents who both seem to be shirking their responsibilities.

Do you honestly think that's okay? And that the OP should just accept it? That the SC might not prefer that one or both of their actual parents may want to care for them/spend time with them/look after them.

Original poster
YoyosToe · 14/05/2022 08:10

but they come here and it’s just me. And they know that they are are the centre of my life and this home. And that is very comforting and settling to children

This sounds amazing.

I think it's quite easy to so 'so just leave then' but its not as simple as that. There is obviously a lot involved in leaving and divorce. I'm not completely unhappy all of the time so part of me feels I should stay because we have happy moments and is it really bad enough to leave if that makes sense? But then I fantasise about this ^^ all the time. Just being me and DC on our own in our home and not having to worry about anyone else.

OP posts:
Wishihadanalgorithm · 14/05/2022 08:14

OP, there’s a couple of things I would be doing in your situation. Firstly, if I could work out of the home I would. That may not be an option but I’d be looking to be less available. I know that means childcare for YOUR children but that might not be a bad thing.

Secondly, I’d write down everything you do in a week. Colour code it even so he can see what you do for your shared children and what you do for HIS children. I’d then make the same list for him.

Finally, I’d sit him down and show him the list and tell him you are exhausted and cannot keep doing this. I’d also say he needs to step up with solutions (no point asking you, “What should I do then?”) and make life fairer for everyone.

When he tries the emotional blackmail (which I’m pretty sure he will) I would simply tell him that guilt will not work and if he doesn’t want a second failed marriage he needs to step up and stop taking you for granted. Make it clear this is a turning point.

Good luck, OP. In your position I think I would have snapped already!

Dotell · 14/05/2022 08:15

Then you need to open your mouth and talk to the man you married. Thinks and all the points you want to make first before you start. He doesn't get to just carry on with his life. Or rant and enjoy the slave work.

WindyKnickers · 14/05/2022 08:17

LidlMissSunshine · 14/05/2022 08:00

I would really love to see ‘you knew what you were getting into’ squashed once and for all. Or even banned on this board. it’s such an irretrievably stupid thing to say.

Nobody knows what a situation is going to be like in two, three, four years down the line. Especially not a situation with as many moving parts as step-parenting. And especially if you’ve never had any previous experience of parenting and your first experience of parenting your own DCs happens within a step family context.

Obviously you can't predict every aspect of what the future will look like but before marrying a man with children surely you have some responsibility to at least think it through? Take off the rose-tinted glasses and consider the practical, financial and emotional consequences of starting a new family with a man who already has two children? Maybe talk to other step families, ask advice from friends and relatives, read a book about it fgs? Because it's not just your life and your wellbeing this decision will affect.

I realise "you knew what you were getting yourself into" isnt helpful after the event, but neither is marrying a man with children and then a couple of years down the line deciding you don't much like being a step mum.

Moodycow78 · 14/05/2022 08:18

If you do all caring for the kids I understand why you feel like this. I understand why you do it all during the day in the week but what does he do for them evenings and weekends? He doesn't just get to clock off from work and that's his contribution, your day I bet is a hell of a lot longer. He needs to step up, you shouldn't be doing everything for his kids 💐

notagamer · 14/05/2022 08:19

Op I completely get your stance re your children because I too could never ever love or prioritise any other child over mine or even remotely equal or even remotely close

ans the thought of sharing my home and my children having to share their home with other children makes me shudder

But what I don’t get and will never get is the WHY you thought it would be any different?

Original poster
YoyosToe · 14/05/2022 08:21

notagamer · 14/05/2022 08:19

Op I completely get your stance re your children because I too could never ever love or prioritise any other child over mine or even remotely equal or even remotely close

ans the thought of sharing my home and my children having to share their home with other children makes me shudder

But what I don’t get and will never get is the WHY you thought it would be any different?

Is it not quite obvious? When I married him they had a mother who was the RP? He was the NRP who tended to do a lot with them.

Then all of a sudden that all changed and I was expected to be enthused at the idea of suddenly having to take full time care of his DSC as well as doing everything for ours (something I obviously couldn't know before it happened).

OP posts:
Original poster
YoyosToe · 14/05/2022 08:23

And any time I make a sound at not being happy with the situation I'm accused of dislike of his DC.

Again, how was I supposed to know this was how it would turn out?

How many books on this specific situation are there?

How many other people who's husband's turn out completely different to the expected when they married him are told they should have known or read a book on it at the time.

I'm very aware it's a DH problem.

OP posts:
WindyKnickers · 14/05/2022 08:29

So you married him assuming the status quo would remain? I realise their mother is "useless" but didn't it cross your mind that she could get ill, or even die? Or go bankrupt or have a breakdown or have 5 more children of her own? Lots of reasons why the NRP status might change that you couldn't conceive of.

I realise they are their dad's responsibility not yours, but here you are, pissed off with being in a situation that you entered of your own free will.

WindyKnickers · 14/05/2022 08:31

How many books on this specific situation are there?

There's half a dozen mumsnet threads a week for a start and has been for the last 10 years at least.

HandbagsnGladrags · 14/05/2022 08:31

And any time I make a sound at not being happy with the situation I'm accused of dislike of his DC.

You need to nip that one in the bud though as it's his way of keeping you in line. You're going to have to have a very difficult and honest conversation - there's no other way.

Original poster
YoyosToe · 14/05/2022 08:31

WindyKnickers · 14/05/2022 08:29

So you married him assuming the status quo would remain? I realise their mother is "useless" but didn't it cross your mind that she could get ill, or even die? Or go bankrupt or have a breakdown or have 5 more children of her own? Lots of reasons why the NRP status might change that you couldn't conceive of.

I realise they are their dad's responsibility not yours, but here you are, pissed off with being in a situation that you entered of your own free will.

No. I'm pissed off at everything being left to me by their dad, who you agrees responsibility it should be, and being told I asked for it or I should squash deep down any annoyance at that.

On what other subject would you think it acceptable to tell a wife who's husband was leaving everything to here in regards to the DC that she willingly walked into that?

No I didn't realise my husband would leave all the care for his children to me if they moved in with us. Not sure why you think I should have expected that.

OP posts:
Original poster
YoyosToe · 14/05/2022 08:32

WindyKnickers · 14/05/2022 08:31

How many books on this specific situation are there?

There's half a dozen mumsnet threads a week for a start and has been for the last 10 years at least.

I've not been on MN for 10 years. Plenty of people aren't. It's not a legal requirement.

OP posts:
30mph · 14/05/2022 08:32

It's not just a DH problem. It's a You problem.

If you don't start to implement some changes then the resentment will grow and then everyone will eventually lose out.

Next time he accuses you of disliking his DC, simply call it as it is: say you love them very much, but he is taking the piss and choosing to prioritise his own needs and wants above yours, and things have to change.