To fantasise about not being with my husband and his children

[YoyosToe]

Is this normal or is it a really bad sign?

I find myself daydreaming quite often about how it would be just me and our DC and sometimes I even desperately wish that were the case.

My husband and DSC have gone out tonight so it's just been me and our DC. I've put them to bed and just sat down and the house is so lovely and quiet and I can just be by myself and to be totally honest I'm dreading them coming home.

I find step parenting difficult to enjoy and it would be huge weight lifted off me not to have to do it anymore.

I do love my husband, which is why it's so weird to say this (or type this) out loud and most of the time we get on really well, have a laugh, care for each other etc.. but I just long for a less hectic life sometimes. The house just feels busy and noisy all the time.

Just to add I don't mean to say single parenting is easy, I just mean I long to have to think and consider less people (i.e. just me and my children)! If that makes sense at all.

Ignore the predictable posters who are all sure they’d look after 10 stepkids without their angel halo ever slipping

it is the very fact that I know I would be a shit step mum as I would ALWAYS prioritise MY children and put them first in any and every situation - which is a big part of the reason why I will never be a step mum and quite honestly shudder at the very thought

Honestly, this line that gets trotted out no matter what, is beyond bullshit.

Maybe listen to actual stepmums, who say the reality is far different to what they thought going into the relationship, and rather than just pounce because it's an evil stepmum posting, actually read what's being said.

This lady is struggling because all the childcare and daily drudge is falling on her while the actual parents of these children are doing little to nothing. She sounds mentally, emotionally and physically exhausted. You honestly think she knew that would be the case going in?!

How can people say suck it up - really misogynistic imv.
He gets a live in maid/ childminder.
She gets the responibility for and work entailed in looking after several more children.
Go out to work OP

Same as @notagamer

Really wouldn't be keen to get into any relationship where my dcs had to blend in. They have that on their dads side. I used to quietly worry that it was all far more fun there and they'd want to move there some day, until I realised how much they always love coming back to the sanctuary they have here.

Op, I don't think your feelings are invalid or it makes you a bad person to express them. I do feel sorry for the dcs involved. This wasn't their choice and their own dad needs to step up.

I think we all fantasise about different lives from time to time. But I’d be careful about wishing for the life of a single parent because it isn’t easy (you’d be raising your DC on one income for a start!)

If you’re finding the amount of childcare overwhelming then you should speak to your husband about it.

Now it's a curious thing. I am a step mum and a step daughter to a great step mum. Step-mumming works best when there is no mum IME.

I've tried the traditional do everything for the DSC who are very much the same age as my kids. We have the DSC 50/50. And what made it shit was their mum ruining every fucking plan. Kids always stuck in the middle.

So I took on the MN advice and took a huge step back. It's not great for my relationship with the DSC. But mostly better for me and my kids. Mum fucks around i go away without them. They have to deal with her and get her agreement so she's no longer fucking me around.

Now DH insists on going to head to head with all the teens for some reason none of us can fathom. But he takes them all to school, picks up etc and is generally a pretty good human and parent.

But I no longer do more parenting. I've started leaving the organization and admin of his kids to him and to his kids. And that has been really good.

For all the kids and DH I will show anyone how to do something but I won't do it for them. And if they do a bad job they get to do it more often until they learn that shoddiness won't help them.

Now I'm hoping that has paragraphs as I've left big gaps.

Yanbu to fantasise about it at all, as a stepmum who's dsc lives with them too. I HATE the whole 'well you knew what you getting into to' actually no you really don't. Noone tells you all the shit and complicated emotions that come with being a stepparent, especially a resident one just like many people don't discuss the reality and drudge of being a parent.

I like to wonder sometimes how my life would be if it was just me and our dc but it doesn't mean I want to break up my family, so don't worry about it x

And no. Still no paragraphs. If it wasn't free I'd want a refund.

How did he manage looking after his kids when you weren’t around to do it? As in, before you got together. I would be massively fucked off if I was found everything for all the kids.

I can see your paragraphs.

I also applaud you for taking that step back to preserve your own sanity.

You do have paragraphs. It just looks like you haven't for you.

OP I'd talk to your bloke and tell him how you feel. Nasty little habit he's got into there just because you're around. Tell him you're thinking of a different life because your step kids have useless parents

When he asks you how your evening was, be honest.
There's no shame in saying you are exhausted both mentally and physically from all the juggling, especially if you are also WFH. It's making you resentful and you are reaching the end of your tether.

If his ex is useless and he can't or won't get more help from her then he will have to do considerably more.

If his reaction to a reasonable conversation is poor then you probably have your answer re separation/divorce

My DH just camps round his parents. I find it quite telling that now I’ve backed off “parenting” DSC he just takes him round there instead. My kids rarely see their GP.

Obviously I can’t answer for the OP but I see this alot with friends who are in blended families.

I think the problem often times from reading here is that the dh doesn't carry an even load but when it's your own dc you love them and suck it up and don't notice as much. When it's literally his responsibility and technically nothing to do with you, and you see him pile it on you with no thought or consideration it's easy to feel resentment but maybe indicative of bigger issues.

It’s like saying no one can ever complain about their own children because they knew what they were getting into when they had them show me a mother who never fantasises about a quieter house with less to do! Also, the notion that these children would be better off without OP is pretty funny, since the whole reason she’s feeling fed up is because their prince of a father is dumping the majority of their care on her. Somehow suspect if OP wasn’t there he still wouldn’t be stepping up to 100% brilliant engaged father.

I'll be ignoring all the 'you knew what you were getting into' replies. They are laughable, you have no idea, you really don't.

Before I came along, DHs ex was actually more involved, she was the RP. That has since swinged the other way and I've been expected to just slot into 'mum work' for most of the week (and be happy about it too).

The thing with DH is I feel like I can't speak to him about this, when I've tried in the past and said I feel taken advantage of in regards to his children and he should be doing more (since they've lived here he's changed absolutely nothing about his life, why would he, I can do it in his mind), he takes it as a personal attack against his DC.

It's not, I don't resent the children at all, but I do resent being expected to just love the fact that all their care now falls to me because their mum is a insert unsuitable word here and their Dad wants to go about his life unchanged.

I never get a break from kids, ever. I can never just be on my own. It's always one or the other, my parents may take our DC for the day every now and then but you can guarantee I'll have at least one of the DSC here if not both.

This morning he's gone off to work and left all the kids with me. Didn't even ask, just decided he had some stuff to do at work so off he went.

It's like he doesn't have to ask because in his mind the DC are my job whereas if I want to do anything I need to ask if it's alright first if that makes sense?

This is exacerbated when you’ve got all the responsibility but none of the power.

It is not an uncommon tale that stepmothers end up doing all the work, but aren’t allowed to make any of the decisions or even meaningfully discipline the child(ren). Because the SM is doing all the work, those decisions she’s not allowed to make profoundly affect her and often make her life harder.

It’s a recipe for stress and resentment. All causes by - and in the control of - the SC’s father. But, hey, let’s all keep blaming the SM and making out she lacks the character for this.

Also, the notion that these children would be better off without OP is pretty funny

And yes this is funny. Who do you think does everything they need? 🤣

Obviously according to PP though I should squash all this deep down because my feelings matter the least out of everyone involved. Sounds like an absolutely lovely way to live.

The thing with DH is I feel like I can't speak to him about this, when I've tried in the past and said I feel taken advantage of in regards to his children and he should be doing more (since they've lived here he's changed absolutely nothing about his life, why would he, I can do it in his mind), he takes it as a personal attack against his DC.

Oh this is classic divorced dad slight of hand. Any criticism of his lack of effort as a father is too easily diverted into ‘you hate my kids’ and you’re the ‘bad guy’ again.

The problem is him. He needs to be a parent.

If you can find a counsellor who actually understands stepfamily dynamics, you could try working on this one.

I could go out and work out of the house. It would make things more difficult sorting our DC which is a shame though.

So leave?

Get divorced. The situation is clearly not for you.

I hate threads like this where people suggest that you do nothing for your DSC, like some sort of Cinderella parody where you parent your own kids and ignore the DSCs like running 2 separate households under the same roof. You should do for your DSCs what you do for your own DCs whilst they are living with you.

I find it hard to understand why you can't muster up some affection or sense of duty and care to your own DC's siblings without resentment but I'm in a minority here clearly.

Standard.

I sympathise OP and I don't even do anything for my stepchild. Currently counting down the hours til he goes home this afternoon and I get my house back. I think you should take a step back from all of the wife work. It's not your problem that their mum is useless, it's their dad's problem.

You have a huge Dh problem. I don’t have any dtepkids, i wfh, I make very clear to Dh he needs to take equal time off to me to look after dc. He needs to stay home if they are home sick. There is no way I would allow him to make me the default carer if I had stepchildren, I won’t do it for mine.
he is not being fair. Don’t let him turn it on you. Turn it straight back ‘well you’re their dad- if you loved them you’d be here to look after them.’

do you need any special equipment? Or can you get up early and leave? Work in a cafe, borrow a sofa at a supportive friends? One day a week, the whole day is his problem? Tell him you’re loving it so much, you are considering divorce. If he doesn’t like the sound of that he needs to book a week off for the next holidays, stay home and look after his children. You might be there, you might not. You are going to be exactly as reliable as he is ie not at all.
You should be thinking seriously about divorce, not just daydreaming about it.

Have you ever had the care of two children dropped on you with no notice after just having had a baby yourself? Children who you're not actually allowed to make any proper decisions for and any time you try and discipline you get accused of disliking them?

Very easy to sit here and judge on a MN post.

I do have affection for them, I'm still here doing it aren't it! It doesn't mean I have to be overjoyed at the situation.

Do you judge mothers who've hit breaking point looking after their own DC or who's who's husband's leave it all to them? Or are you understanding of that?

You don't have a clue.