To fantasise about not being with my husband and his children

[YoyosToe]

Is this normal or is it a really bad sign?

I find myself daydreaming quite often about how it would be just me and our DC and sometimes I even desperately wish that were the case.

My husband and DSC have gone out tonight so it's just been me and our DC. I've put them to bed and just sat down and the house is so lovely and quiet and I can just be by myself and to be totally honest I'm dreading them coming home.

I find step parenting difficult to enjoy and it would be huge weight lifted off me not to have to do it anymore.

I do love my husband, which is why it's so weird to say this (or type this) out loud and most of the time we get on really well, have a laugh, care for each other etc.. but I just long for a less hectic life sometimes. The house just feels busy and noisy all the time.

Just to add I don't mean to say single parenting is easy, I just mean I long to have to think and consider less people (i.e. just me and my children)! If that makes sense at all.

Yanbu. Some people aren't cut out for step parenting and don't know until you are knee deep. Actually chose not to have dc with my now exh as I didn't want dc connected to his and his ex..... and her dramas...
A true relief when I dumped him. The bonus being I didn't have the dc in my life any more.. Weren't bad dc just awful dps!!

To add some context my DSC live with us the majority and due to work schedules between me and DH I typically end up doing most things for all the DC, school runs, collecting, holiday care etc.. it's hard.

Some people aren't cut out for step parenting and don't know until you are knee deep

This is how I feel sometimes. Not all the time, but yes definitely feel this sometimes. Like I just long to only have to be mother to my children and not have to think about anyone else!

I'm just tired.

Why does stuff like holiday care fall to you rather than your DH and their mother?

This is why I would not date someone with children , I don’t ever want to be a step parent

I WFH so am in the house. Hard to say no when I'm here anyway. DH does sometimes take time off but not much.

Their mum is useless.

Have you spoken to your DH about your feelings? I don't know your situation but he should really be doing more, it's not fair on you at all and I completely get your feelings.

I also WFH so know exactly how people seem to think that it's a lot easier to take time off and do house things.

Okay that makes a lot of sense, YANBU, but if you love him you might want to take a step back from all these duties and tell him you want more time for yourself. Sounds like he loves you too and will probably want to make you happier. I think sometimes women get lumped with the work, and sometimes we think we need to take it all on and no one stops us and we get over burdened. If you tell him you can’t do as much, and that you want more time to yourself (or one to one time with your children) it will give him a chance to step up and make you happy which is probably all he wants anyway!

Didn't you knew he has a kid before marrying him? Why did you married him if you can't love his daughter?? I'm always confused about step parents who complain that the step kids exist!! HE-FUCKING-LLO.. You chose to marry him. You chose to be in that poor child's life

Sometimes I wish that I didn't have the responsibilities of our family and think about my choices that got me here.
I love my DH and our DC but sometimes I still wish I just had me to think about.

YABU. You married this man knowing he had children and choosing to make more with him. It’s not as simple as leaving and taking “your children” - those are his children and the children you don’t want arounds siblings.

You will receive support on here purely because feelings on the part of the stepmother like this are are usually validated here but irl? If you want to stay married and not screw up your own kids as well as his (because it will if they learn of this and the consequences to it happen) bury this deep down, so deep you never talk about it to anyone.

That won’t go down well here on Mumsnet, but irl if you act on this or explain how you feel NOBODY in your close situation will be sympathetic. Because it would be disgraceful if either “your” kids, his kids or him found out about this.

I think you are tired. You need a break. Can't pour from an Empty cup and all that. We are lucky in that schedules with our respective ex's mean we have one weekend with all our kids here (we've 2 each, so 4) and the other with none (and they are all here most of the week all the time too). I sometimes live for the weekends it's just DP and I tbh. Due to various circumstances and requests for Swaps etc from both ex partners we recently went 5 weeks without a child free weekend-and boy did we feel it! Being a blended family is hard both physically and more so emotionally as you try to keep everyone on an even keel. You definitely need to take a break if you can do so. Can you go away with dp for a weekend? Or just you and your kids? Might be just the ticket.

DH does sometimes take time off but not much.Their mum is useless

Sounds like they are both useless, to be honest. Your DH is quite happy for you to shoulder the childcare load, and the mum gets a leave pass because "she is useless".

I feel sorry for you - personally I'd be looking for a job where I got to leave the house . Good luck.

Your DH needs to step up and do a lot more!!

@Tamzo85 that's very dramatic.

Op, it sounds like you're doing too much for them and that's why you feel resentful, I fell into this pattern too - at first my DP did everything for his kids and we were all so happy together but once we moved in together slowly but surely I ended up doing the vast majority of their care, esp once we had our own baby and I went on maternity. I adored the kids but I never would have taken them on if I was prewarned I would be expected to do all the hard graft yet have zero say in their upbringing, not be allowed to discipline them and once puberty hit they would suddenly hate me. People say "you knew what you were getting into" - Well no, I didn't. I ended up taking a massive step back so he had to step up.

Sorry to be blunt but why do so many women end up like this?
Is your dh older than you? Is that why he already had dcs and you didn't?
Not any help but this is why when I was single I would not entertain anyone with dependant children.
You need to pull back on what you do little by little and make time for yourself.

@Tamzo85

Yeah encourage the OP to push her feelings down, that's healthy! Maybe, in fact, she should talk openly to her husband about how the expectations of childcare are becoming too much and how she needs some support.

Marrying someone with children does not mean you're never allowed to find it hard. It does not mean you can't speak up if the expectations become too much. The SC have two parents, who it seems are pushing the responsibility for their children onto the OP. No wonder she's had enough.

Ignore the predictable posters who are all sure they’d look after 10 stepkids without their angel halo ever slipping. It’s next to impossible to know how you’ll feel about a blended family situation until you’re actually in one. I personally found having extra people in the house that I had to consider all the time could be very tiring. It’s considering everyone’s individual tastes for meals, logistics of lots of people needing to be in lots of different places each day, extra shopping, cleaning and washing. And stuff like even distribution of chores amongst kids is hard and sometimes I’d end up doing more stuff because it was easier than the kids getting annoyed with me or each other because someone felt they had done more than others.

I’m certainly glad I didn’t get together with my DP until all our kids were mid to late teens as just a few years of that was enough, now most have left home (including some of mine) thankfully. So I totally get what you mean.

If the kids are all still young I’d consider trying to live apart. Or at the very least you need to tell your DP he has to become more involved. It’s hard when you end up feeling the default carer or cook or cleaner just because you might be home a bit more than your partner, but he does need to pick up his game.

YANBU. It's hard enough doing the tedious bits of parenting (school run, cleaning up after them etc) for your own children who you adore, let alone children you're just fond of. I think you need to think seriously about whether this is making you happy.

YANBU OP. You just don’t catch a break as a SP. I find I parent largely alone because my DH works long hours (I work too), I carry all the mental load and then when DSC visit I’m expected to carry all that on but for an extra child who wants separate meals and special treatment. So it’s not just a third DC.

I fantasise about divorce and having a free weekend.

YANBU to fantasise about it, one can fantasise about whatever the hell one wants!

YABU if you actually resent your DSC in some way because you chose to marry your DH knowing he had children. Plenty of childless men out there to marry but you picked him, your choice.

YANBU. But they aren’t your kids and you shouldn’t be looking after them. He’s taking advantage.

Single parent here. So every night is just as the one you are loving.

even if I hadn’t made a commitment to myself that I would never ever NEVER “blend” families until my youngest child was 18 and heading off to uni or where ever (8 years away!) then reading posts as these would swing it.

i love being queen of my domain, I love my little gang, and I love fact that I don’t have to look after anyone else’s children!

Doesn’t everyone have fantasies about a different life? A different house, car, job. That’s so ridiculous to say that you can’t possibly imagine further than your own reality.