To fantasise about not being with my husband and his children

[YoyosToe]

Is this normal or is it a really bad sign?

I find myself daydreaming quite often about how it would be just me and our DC and sometimes I even desperately wish that were the case.

My husband and DSC have gone out tonight so it's just been me and our DC. I've put them to bed and just sat down and the house is so lovely and quiet and I can just be by myself and to be totally honest I'm dreading them coming home.

I find step parenting difficult to enjoy and it would be huge weight lifted off me not to have to do it anymore.

I do love my husband, which is why it's so weird to say this (or type this) out loud and most of the time we get on really well, have a laugh, care for each other etc.. but I just long for a less hectic life sometimes. The house just feels busy and noisy all the time.

Just to add I don't mean to say single parenting is easy, I just mean I long to have to think and consider less people (i.e. just me and my children)! If that makes sense at all.

But even as the NRP
Presumably at the very least EOW?
even that makes me shudder

I guarantee that all the ‘you knew what you were doing’ women on here are NOT step mums!

I am a step child myself & have been a step mum for 14 years (we met when DSC were 4 and they are now 18!) in all that time I had no idea what was in store as still don’t as we move to the next stage - adulthood.

And, my experience of SP as a child myself is massively different to how I see it as a SP.

It is not all fun and games. It’s hard, emotionally, physically, financially. Doesn’t mean I hate SC. Just facts.

Over the years I have had it all ways, doing it all, taking a step back. But fundamentally it isn’t the same as having your own child and actually shouldn’t be the same.

YANBU OP. I don't think your DH will ever see that he is taking advantage of you and totally unreasonable to emotionally manipulate you about not caring for his kids when you raise it. You may have the odd happy moment but he doesn't deserve you.

Not unreasonable at all. I could never date a man with children. I’ve been parenting for 28yrs as I have a large age gap, mine are not far off adulthood now and there’s no way I would be cut out for doing all the housework / school run drudgery (as that’s what it is) for more kids. Speak to your husband, you need a break. Why should so much of it fall to you? Isn’t this always the way. I work at home 3 days but I’m very busy, I couldn’t be caring for a lot of kids. They need to pay for holiday care

It's not this that bothers me. I was quite happy before. I didn't have any issue with this or being a step parent then. I wasn't expected to do everything, I could spend time focusing on my children too when the others were with their mum and that was okay.

Yes obviously there was always the possibility they could move in, but I assumed their Dad would deal with that and I could support him. I didn't expect to just be dumped with everything.

This happened not long after I'd just had our baby too so I didn't even realise I'd be left with everything for our DC then either!

I always think people saying you know what you were getting into before you got married don't seem to get it.of course if you like someone and assume dc come as part of the package, you want to be with that person you will gloss over probs .as far as plenty of single childless guys maybe not all great! Also older guys no kids can be selfish ,not want to settle down and so on

I just think it's really silly to say.

No one goes onto threads in relationships where marriages or spouses haven't turned out the way the poster thought when they first got together and tells them they should have researched 10 years of MN threads on cheating husband's before they got married.

Things happen you never expect to happen.

Have a serious chat to DH and tell him you've had enough. He and their DM are going to have to step up.

Your kids are being neglected while you look after theirs. Make him realise how serious you are.

This is an awful situation - he sees you as the default carer for all the children and doesn't care that this is incredible unfair. It's also incredible controlling, both the emotional blackmail and that he just walks off whenever he likes and leaves you to it. He sees you as a useful household appliance, not a person with your own wants and needs. You could have a complete re-set of your situation and lay down the law, or you could leave. I think in your position I would be so angry at being taken advantage of, I would do the latter.

@THisbackwithavengeance

This. 100

But OP has already said she’ll ignore the you knew what you were getting in for posts so…
The reality is that even if you don’t know exactly what it will be like, you have to realise that it will be complicated and sometimes hard and things will come up that are unforeseen. You should be prepared to deal with that and tough it out before hand before you add your own attitude on top of the step kids problems - not to mention if you leave your husband then the step kids will have even less a relationship with their siblings and vice versa. And you may end up in the same situation again.

You didn't know it was going to happen but it was always a possibility and you cannot blame anyone who then says you knew what you were getting into.

Anyone with children could for a whole host of reasons become the resident parent of their children at anytime. The children may be living with their parent long after 18. All of this needed considering beforehand.

Fwiw I don't think that it's unreasonable to wonder about time alone with your biological children. But it's never going to be as idyllic as you believe. Remember than at this time your own children are younger but will soon get to the same point as the sc and so the scenario you'd be will never be static.

Doing it all alone, I do, means being responsible for every decision, financially accountable etc as well. So yes, you maybe doing all of the childcare side, but quite obviously are you it responsible for everything else.

However, I do think that you need a discussion regarding your parenting of his children. If you're restricted in what you are allowed to do, then he needs to do more. Likewise if you're resentful that he opts out at weekends etc under the guise of work, then this needs addressing. The issue here is your oh not the children per se imo.

Don't be so ridiculous (and lacking in empathy).

I'm not a step parent, but even I have the occasional fantasy about what life would be like without the demands of children and grandchildren. I love my family and don't regret their existence 99.99999% of the time, but sometimes life gets hard, the demands a bit much and you indulge in a few "what ifs".

Add to that the op is being taken advantage of. I don't blame her for the "what ifs" either.

It amazes me how keen some people are to blame the stepmother (you should have known what you were getting in to/take responsibility etc) and completely ignore that the problem is the children’s parents’ failure to step up to their responsibilities.

@Narwhalelife

But shouldn’t you be expecting it to be hard and complicated? Who expects blended families with possibly already upset kids to be easy?

I expect it to be hard for their dad. I don't expect to be massively involved in the hardship.

But surely you SHOULD be able to expect your husband to take on an even load? In ANY marriage, whether it involves step children or not?

Or am I not even allowed to expect that either?

I find it hard to understand why you can't muster up some affection or sense of duty and care to your own DC's siblings without resentment but I'm in a minority here clearly.

isn’t it a stand the children’s parents can’t muster up some kind of affection it sense of duty to care for their own children.

but, sure, the woman they dump all the work on is to blame.

Ok, that makes sense about him not having them full time before and now it’s changed. He’s being a shit to you and he knows it. That’s why he’ll accuse you of not liking that step kids when you talk about it. To make you feel guilty and then you do everything for them.

What do you think would help with the situation? Could you start putting some boundaries in?

ignore the people being knobs on here. Don’t know why people feel the need to be mean and just ask you what did you expect to happen. Things change. Situations evolve and all of a sudden you’re somewhere you didn’t expect to be.

Yanbu. At all. You are self-aware and that's important.

It is mostly a dh issue , but it's okay to admit it's a dsc issue too. You have become their primary parent, without any consultation, and you are constantly judged and accused of not loving them enough, but also given no real power to parent.

If your dh will not fundamentally, substantially change this, then you should split. You would be happier and likely your dc will be happier. You keep fantasising about this calm life with just you and dc. You can have that.

So what is stopping you?

So what is stopping you?

The logistics really. And the fact it's not the worst so I think maybe I should just stick it out for the good parts.

I think about it and like the idea but in reality it feels impossible.

Bloody hell, what on earth is going on with Mumsnet the last few days?! So many batshit, awful people around.

OP, you are not being unreasonable in the slightest, I can’t fathom how anyone thinks you are. Your DH is an absolute lazy arse and a poor excuse for a father. How you can still be with him, or have sex with him (eurgh) is beyond me after what you’ve put on here. He’d repulse me.

I would have one more chat and say you want to go to counselling, if he won’t have it or shuts you down, I’m sorry but I really would walk. Another PP said it perfectly, he sees you as a household appliance. He totally disrespects you and expects you just to put up and shut up, it beggars belief. No wonder he’s already divorced.

You might love your husband, but he doesn’t respect you, and when you try to assert a perfectly legitimate boundary, he emotionally blackmails you.

of course you think about life without him. Perhaps you should make it happen.

YANBU at all! Why has their mum stopped being the resident parent? Does she have them EOW? Why does your DH think it's ok just to go off to work (is it extra work? Self-employed?) while you look after ALL his kids? Can you arrange a day out for yourself and leave them all with him? He is totally disrespecting you, he needs to be made to understand that he is the problem, not his older children.

I was quite happy before. I didn't have any issue with this or being a step parent then. I wasn't expected to do everything

ok maybe I don’t understand your stance

Because the very notion of being a step parent or having to have other children in mine and my children’s home - is profoundly unappealing!

No one goes into a SP situation expecting to become the only full-time parent to their SC.

OP understood in the early days. Then things changed dramatically. No one could anticipate going from mum being RP and dad being fully involved on his time to them both suddenly foisting all their responsibilities onto the OP.

We get it, stepmums are always completely to blame in your opinion. As shown beautifully here with your accusation of the OP making her SC's lives worse while not saying a word about the fact neither of their parents are doing right by them.