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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To cancel a party

225 replies

Wednesdayafternoon · 13/05/2022 11:01

So basically I made the decision to cancel my sons second birthday party. When I say party it really was just a matter of the cousins coming round and having tea in the garden with some toys out etc. I was really looking forward to it, my son was born during lockdown and because of lockdown I do feel like we've missed out on quite a lot when it comes to celebrations and sharing special moments and occasions so I've not made this decision lightly.
Basically my niece has been unwell today. She has a stomach bug. I have a lifelong sickness phobia, it's quite an intense one. I've had counselling and CBT therapy but unfortunately I do struggle to keep on top of my phobia. Anyway his party is in two days so I know the NHS guidelines are that you should wait two days before mixing but I just made the decision to cancel the party because her siblings would be coming round and I would just be very worried about them passing something on. For the sake of having tea in the garden I just don't really think it's worthwhile putting my own children at risk when it comes to mixing when that household of been particularly unwell. To me the benefit doesn't outweigh what concerns me. I will still make it special for my son. This was just one aspect of his birthday.
I tried to discuss this with my sister and I sent her a message just explaining the above from I didn't really feel comfortable. I thought she would understand. If it was the other way round and my household have been unwell and somebody had said that they think its best to not go ahead with the tea because of that then I may well be disappointed but I would completely respect their point of you. Anyway my sister is really unhappy with me. She thinks I've been really disrespectful and I said a big argument with me. My niece was unwell today and as soon as I found out that she had a stomach bug I made the decision to cancel the dinner pretty much straight away. That didn't take away me showing any concern to my neice, I've been checking in on her all yesterday and today. But I just sent a quick message saying that I think that we should cancel. I was going to buy the stuff for the party today so I needed to make the decision today.
Do you guys really think I'm being unreasonable? I understand that you might think I'm being overly cautious, but am I really being unreasonable and did I really deserve a telling off for making the decision today to cancel my sons party?

OP posts:
Bekstar · 15/05/2022 21:45

so you'll take your son out on a big day out where he could come into contact with strange people who are sick and you dont know what they have or even who has been sick in the last few days. yet you wont let your sister and her family come over. i think that is being unreasonable. i feel sorry for your sister yoir basically saying because you know her kids being ill regardless of how they feel on the day thats too risky yet your happy for your kid and yourself to mix with other kids and adults you dont know who could have had covid, or god knows what in teh last few days. are you sure its nit just a case of you cant be bothered.

Ortega888 · 15/05/2022 21:58

Your sister should have accepted the party was cancelled no matter what the reason with good grace. I am sick of hearing about how entitled people feel when things don’t go their way and the upset and tantrums it causes. If it was me and my sister cancelled I would have accepted the reason with no hard feelings at all. Your sisters only thinking about herself you have every right to cancel so don’t let people guilt trip you if they don’t agree with you. I cannot believe the comments about your phobia at the end of the day people are not standing in your shoes so they have no right to judge you. I hope your niece feels much better soon and you can always have a party later on hopefully with your sister calming herself down and apologetic but only if you want to not be because your under pressure to keep anyone happy. What a world eh. Good luck and have a lovely weekend.

aSofaNearYou · 15/05/2022 22:01

Bekstar · 15/05/2022 21:45

so you'll take your son out on a big day out where he could come into contact with strange people who are sick and you dont know what they have or even who has been sick in the last few days. yet you wont let your sister and her family come over. i think that is being unreasonable. i feel sorry for your sister yoir basically saying because you know her kids being ill regardless of how they feel on the day thats too risky yet your happy for your kid and yourself to mix with other kids and adults you dont know who could have had covid, or god knows what in teh last few days. are you sure its nit just a case of you cant be bothered.

This is really bizarre logic that is constantly brought up on this subject. There's obviously a massive difference between avoiding an illness you know someone has, and just avoiding strangers with no way of knowing if they're ill or not.

Original poster
Wednesdayafternoon · 16/05/2022 07:15

Bekstar · 15/05/2022 21:45

so you'll take your son out on a big day out where he could come into contact with strange people who are sick and you dont know what they have or even who has been sick in the last few days. yet you wont let your sister and her family come over. i think that is being unreasonable. i feel sorry for your sister yoir basically saying because you know her kids being ill regardless of how they feel on the day thats too risky yet your happy for your kid and yourself to mix with other kids and adults you dont know who could have had covid, or god knows what in teh last few days. are you sure its nit just a case of you cant be bothered.

You're completely missing the point.
Of course I know there's a risk wherever we go and I'm not paronoid enough to stop our life.
But I will absolutely avoid a situation where I know for a fact someone is poorly with a very contagious illness. Of course I would. I don't want my kids to be poorly. Who wants their kids to be poorly?! And if they had a tummy bug I wouldnt dream of sending them to a party to pass it onto other either!

OP posts:
Original poster
Wednesdayafternoon · 16/05/2022 07:16

Supergirl1958 · 15/05/2022 21:32

@Wednesdayafternoon i didn’t really have a choice…he’s two and my fiancé was working…how am I supposed to parent otherwise!

Well I'm a single parent to two so what you're experiencing now is literally my life which is a small factor as to why I may be more cautious (the bigger reason is that I want them to be well).

OP posts:
Babyno21990 · 16/05/2022 08:05

I don't think you are being unreasonable whatsoever, in my honest opinion, your sister should absolutely not be taking their child to your house when their kid has a stomach bug. I wouldn't say your cancelling it, I would just say you are going to put it off for a week etc until everyone is feeling well, your little boy deserves a party with his cousins and I'm sure he will have a great time at whatever else you have planned, but nothing compares to being surrounded by young cousins/family that he can play with. I think your sister has been super sensitive to the word 'cancel'.

On another note I hope you really can get over your phobia, but I know its hard, my sister was the same after covid but try and let your guard down as much as possible to help the development of your kids as they will really suffer of you don't. 🥰

notagamer · 16/05/2022 08:37

So what did you do when they rocked up on Saturday?

aSofaNearYou · 16/05/2022 08:43

I can't believe the cheek of her just turning up. Is this in keeping with her character?

Original poster
Wednesdayafternoon · 16/05/2022 10:16

I think she wanted to come round to give him his present and card and didn't want to miss that, which we could've worked around but to bring the whole family and have them in the garden I just couldn't believe it. How could o ask my neice to stand back etc? It hadn't even been 24 hours! I thought that was so disrespectful, I would literally never have done that to someone, phobia or no phobia!

OP posts:
aSofaNearYou · 16/05/2022 10:40

Wednesdayafternoon · 16/05/2022 10:16

I think she wanted to come round to give him his present and card and didn't want to miss that, which we could've worked around but to bring the whole family and have them in the garden I just couldn't believe it. How could o ask my neice to stand back etc? It hadn't even been 24 hours! I thought that was so disrespectful, I would literally never have done that to someone, phobia or no phobia!

Me neither, she sounds very selfish and disrespectful.

Babyno21990 · 16/05/2022 11:37

@Wednesdayafternoon
Im just reading that she turned up! Well it explains the type of person she is when she did that. No wonder she reacted so ridiculously to you wanting to cancel the party. She should have respected your wishes and I wouldn't be afraid to tell her your thoughts.

diddl · 16/05/2022 14:53

Anyway, I made this post on Friday and the party was Sunday. My sister turned up to the house on Saturday with all the children regardless of my wishes...

Well of course she did as she thinks you were wrong & it sounds as if she has no respect for you.

Otherwise she would have just accepted your decision even if she didn't agree &it certainly wouldn't have turned into an argument!

Blondeshavemorefun · 16/05/2022 16:02

So the party was sunday

sister came round a day early so 24hrs to give present

I would have said no and shut the door if you feel that strongly against sickness bugs

equally as my first reply I would have seen if niece was sick again by Friday lunchtime then considered cancelling

as if only sick fri am 48hrs would have passed by Sunday am

notagamer · 16/05/2022 17:57

Any puking op?!

AshtonsMummy2017 · 16/05/2022 21:34

I literally can not believe she turned up. Words escape me!

Regardless of the topic hun you need to set some boundaries, that was so disrespectful of her. She does not get to make the decisions about your family! I hope your little lad had fun regardless of the situation and you all escape the lurgy x

CatsnCoffee · 17/05/2022 09:49

Babyno21990
No they won’t! This is guilt-tripping. I once received a lecture from a family member about my phobia of flying using your argument. I was told I shouldn’t have had children if I was not going to take them on foreign holidays! It’s ableist BS. Mental health, including phobias are as real as physical health.

Cheeseandlobster · 17/05/2022 13:20

I literally cannot believe she did this. How fucking selfish and disrespectful. I would have been raging op. How are your dc's today?

notagamer · 17/05/2022 13:46

goes back to first comment I made

op doesn’t really get on with her sister, who is domineering.
she didn’t fancy having them round
so when sister gave more than 48 hours notice that her daughter had puked, the op could barely believe her luck and immediately cancelled

go on op…. It’s an anonymous forum. We won’t tell anyone!

10HailMarys · 17/05/2022 14:14

If a child was throwing up all day on a Friday, I probably wouldn't want them and their siblings coming round my house on the Saturday or Sunday either to be honest.

Obviously kids can pick up tummy bugs at school or nursery or whatever - it happens, it's not always avoidable. But when it very clearly IS avoidable, why on earth would you not take steps to avoid it? YANBU at all; your sister's being really precious about it. I don't have a phobia, but no, I absolutely don't want people spending the day with me when their child has a sick bug that they've probably passed on to everyone else in the family.

Also, your son is two years old and will be happy whatever he does on his birthday, and will not remember it in a few years' time. I'd just rearrange for another day.

LizzieW1969 · 17/05/2022 14:42

I don’t have a phobia, but I would cancel in those circumstances as well. Your sister has been very selfish and disrespectful, especially coming to visit anyway.

chaosmaker · 09/06/2022 19:40

Completely on your side OP :)

ThatsBullshirt · 09/06/2022 19:48

To be honest, if my child had gotten a vomiting bug two days before a party, even their cousin's, then I would cancel myself and none of my family would go. We missed our nephew's first birthday a couple of years ago after we caught a vomiting bug, even though we were all over the worst of it. Sorry if I missed it but are her children the only ones attending?

LuckySantangelo35 · 09/06/2022 20:38

Generally dont know why people have beef with the OP

its just common sense isn’t it?! You don’t have people who have a sickness bug or who are just recovering from a sickness bug round to your house. It’s a no brainer!

OP’s sick phobia is by the by here. I mean anyway let’s face it no one likes sick and will avoid if at all possible.

all those who are like ‘oh op, you should have them round for party still?’ Why??? Are you so obsessed with famileeeee and not letting family down and son not having party that you can’t let common sense prevail?!

ddl1 · 09/06/2022 20:49

I don't think YABU - tummy bugs can be nasty for toddlers; of course you can't avoid all exposure, but why expose him unnecessarily?

However, I'd have postponed rather than cancelled -have the party when she's recovered. Two-year-olds don't have a concept of dates, so could enjoy the party next week as well as this week.

And it's not fair of your sister to get stroppy about it, unless you're always cancelling things at the last minute.

ddl1 · 09/06/2022 20:54

Anyway, I made this post on Friday and the party was Sunday. My sister turned up to the house on Saturday with all the children regardless of my wishes...

Wow. That's incredibly disrespectful and inconsiderate!

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