To cancel a party

[Wednesdayafternoon]

So basically I made the decision to cancel my sons second birthday party. When I say party it really was just a matter of the cousins coming round and having tea in the garden with some toys out etc. I was really looking forward to it, my son was born during lockdown and because of lockdown I do feel like we've missed out on quite a lot when it comes to celebrations and sharing special moments and occasions so I've not made this decision lightly.
Basically my niece has been unwell today. She has a stomach bug. I have a lifelong sickness phobia, it's quite an intense one. I've had counselling and CBT therapy but unfortunately I do struggle to keep on top of my phobia. Anyway his party is in two days so I know the NHS guidelines are that you should wait two days before mixing but I just made the decision to cancel the party because her siblings would be coming round and I would just be very worried about them passing something on. For the sake of having tea in the garden I just don't really think it's worthwhile putting my own children at risk when it comes to mixing when that household of been particularly unwell. To me the benefit doesn't outweigh what concerns me. I will still make it special for my son. This was just one aspect of his birthday.
I tried to discuss this with my sister and I sent her a message just explaining the above from I didn't really feel comfortable. I thought she would understand. If it was the other way round and my household have been unwell and somebody had said that they think its best to not go ahead with the tea because of that then I may well be disappointed but I would completely respect their point of you. Anyway my sister is really unhappy with me. She thinks I've been really disrespectful and I said a big argument with me. My niece was unwell today and as soon as I found out that she had a stomach bug I made the decision to cancel the dinner pretty much straight away. That didn't take away me showing any concern to my neice, I've been checking in on her all yesterday and today. But I just sent a quick message saying that I think that we should cancel. I was going to buy the stuff for the party today so I needed to make the decision today.
Do you guys really think I'm being unreasonable? I understand that you might think I'm being overly cautious, but am I really being unreasonable and did I really deserve a telling off for making the decision today to cancel my sons party?

I think yes you’re completely unreasonable. I hope nobody on your big day out has been ill the day before who you might bump in to.

Then it doesn't make sense. Your child can still pick up a bug from any of the kids at school and bring it home. You've made your son miss out because of your issue. I think that is selfish. Sorry, but I agree with your sister.

well I suppose I'm just wanting to have a chat about it!

Yeah, just so long as that chat stays within the bounds you think it should. This is entirely about your phobia and you can't artificially separate the two.

No phobia here, but I'd do the same and postpone for a week or two until it had worked its way through their household.

My 4yo had her 2nd, 3rd and 4th birthdays cancelled because of various covid situations. She didn't care - she had balloons, cake, new toys, she didn't care. OP's DS will be fine.

This is why sickness bugs spread round kids so fast. Parents don't care and take them to parties anyway. Idiots. Doesn't even matter if she has a sickness fear, still shouldn't take them out to places while ill. 48 hours for a reason.

Considering your sister clearly didn't care about sending her kids round to yours while throwing up op, I think you took the right action. I wouldn't want them round either.

Your only problem is, she is going to lie to you from now on so you'll never know again until it's too late. Maybe should have used a different excuse, although too late now.

Yeah I think this is unreasonable too. They were probably looking forward to it and bugs do the rounds, as long as it is not some thing really really serious I’d have gone ahead.

But how can you not see that that is completely different to KNOWINGLY socialising with people who have a sickness bug?! Why on earth would you want to inflict a sickness bug on your family, they're awful things.

If it’s just the two households meeting up, then just postpone it until everyone is well. DS won’t know if it's his birthday this week, next week or in a month's time.

I don’t think YABU OP and, although I can accept your sister being a bit disappointed, I can’t fathom why she would accuse you of being ‘really disrespectful’. Saying that, for your niblings sakes could you not invite them round for a belated little celebration next weekend?

There are loads of sickness bugs, not all noro. kids are often sick because of something other than a bug, for example a friend was at work last weekend and her hubby misjudged the strength of the sun/heat and her DD had mild sunstroke and was sick. Sunday is after the 48 hours so should be OK. I would have waited until tomorrow to see how she is at least before cancelling.

I don’t think cancelling this weekend was wrong. Why couldn’t you rearrange for the following weekend though? Or another one soon after. Probably could have avoided the fall out that way.

I'm your sister. I bet it's not the first time your phobia has impacted upon her and her childrens life. It's tedious. It will only impact more upon all your lives as time goes on.

I personally would have gone ahead with the party. If my child does get something from her cousins, so what? Kids get sick. Don't you take them to soft play? Do you know how germy those places are?

We should really consider what we do out of fear.

Not unreasonable.

I don't have a phobia of sickness. I wouldn't want anyone with a stomach bug visiting.

Your son will be fine.

Whether cancelling or not cancelling was the right thing to do, your sister should not have had a go at you for your decision. You are doing what you see as best for your family and she should support you in that.

“I'm your sister. I bet it's not the first time your phobia has impacted upon her and her childrens life. It's tedious. It will only impact more upon all your lives as time goes on.”

^Exactly this. I imagine there has been previous incidents and your sister is fed up with it all. Can’t say I blame her.

You did the right thing in cancelling. Why chance your 2 dc getting I'll. It's a shame dsis wasn't more understanding. Could you rearrange for next weekend when everyone is well again? Hope your DS has a lovely birthday on Sunday x

You can't separate your phobia from it. Your phobia is the reason you cancelled, and your sister knows that. If you cancelled for a reason that was more impactful, she likely wouldn't be annoyed about it. She just sees it as you overreacting, and so do I tbh. But it's not the end of the world.

"impacted upon her and her childrens life."

Cancelling a 2 year olds tea party = impact on her life 🙄

I don't get the replies saying go ahead.
Of course you can't go ahead, they have a sickness bug and you are likely to catch it and need time off work etc etc. Your sister is being supremely difficult!!

Your son is two years old and won't care.
Just reschedule for another day.

I wouldn't dream of rocking up to a party if one of my children had a sickness bug... YADNBU regardless of the phobia.

I'd have waited until tomorrow. Either the others will come down with it as well, or she'll be better. Kids get sick all the time, and it's not necessarily a contagious thing. My daughter used to get sick on the odd day quite a bit when she was 2-3 and it took me ages to realise she had a slight intolerance to dairy.

I suspect that in future,your sister won't tell you if one of her kids has a sickness bug.

Your son will be fine but I expect it's a pita to explain to her kids why it's cancelled without putting blame on the sick child. I also expect that this isn't the first time that your fear has impacted plans. Phobia aside, you're doing the right thing in terms of infection control but I think it could be a straw that broke the camel's back sort of situation so she's over reacted.

Having seen how debilitating a sickness phobia is (my DD had this during her teens), I understand why you have cancelled. Your sister should be more understanding.

A 2 year old couldn't care less about a party. If your nieces/nephews are older, then it's a life lesson, sometimes plans change, move on, do something else.