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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To cancel a party

225 replies

Wednesdayafternoon · 13/05/2022 11:01

So basically I made the decision to cancel my sons second birthday party. When I say party it really was just a matter of the cousins coming round and having tea in the garden with some toys out etc. I was really looking forward to it, my son was born during lockdown and because of lockdown I do feel like we've missed out on quite a lot when it comes to celebrations and sharing special moments and occasions so I've not made this decision lightly.
Basically my niece has been unwell today. She has a stomach bug. I have a lifelong sickness phobia, it's quite an intense one. I've had counselling and CBT therapy but unfortunately I do struggle to keep on top of my phobia. Anyway his party is in two days so I know the NHS guidelines are that you should wait two days before mixing but I just made the decision to cancel the party because her siblings would be coming round and I would just be very worried about them passing something on. For the sake of having tea in the garden I just don't really think it's worthwhile putting my own children at risk when it comes to mixing when that household of been particularly unwell. To me the benefit doesn't outweigh what concerns me. I will still make it special for my son. This was just one aspect of his birthday.
I tried to discuss this with my sister and I sent her a message just explaining the above from I didn't really feel comfortable. I thought she would understand. If it was the other way round and my household have been unwell and somebody had said that they think its best to not go ahead with the tea because of that then I may well be disappointed but I would completely respect their point of you. Anyway my sister is really unhappy with me. She thinks I've been really disrespectful and I said a big argument with me. My niece was unwell today and as soon as I found out that she had a stomach bug I made the decision to cancel the dinner pretty much straight away. That didn't take away me showing any concern to my neice, I've been checking in on her all yesterday and today. But I just sent a quick message saying that I think that we should cancel. I was going to buy the stuff for the party today so I needed to make the decision today.
Do you guys really think I'm being unreasonable? I understand that you might think I'm being overly cautious, but am I really being unreasonable and did I really deserve a telling off for making the decision today to cancel my sons party?

OP posts:
ludocris · 13/05/2022 21:17

sheepandcaravan · 13/05/2022 20:09

I agree with you OP. And would do the same.

And I don't agree with people taking children anywhere within 48 hours of sickness, or any of the other contagious periods.

But I'm a minority. This does seem a side effect of covid, the bugs are worse, the returns are faster, because, rightly so, people need to work. But I internally rage at those posting on FB about sick children then sending them in or taking them to parties, which they do.

I think the point though is that it would have been over 48 hours. You should def keep away from others for the first 48.

beautifuldaytosavelives · 14/05/2022 18:54

I think YABU but you obviously don’t

Justbefair · 14/05/2022 19:07

We all have to do what we feel best. Can u postpone if for a week, would be a shame to completely cancel. X

Oblomov22 · 14/05/2022 19:10

YABU and you know this. You have let your phobia override your rational thought.

pinkpantherpink · 14/05/2022 19:15

YANBU x

I'd like to rebook it on a.s.a.p though

CowboyFromHell · 14/05/2022 19:18

OP, you’re 100% allowed to act as you have, but you can’t complain if there are negative consequences. And people will be pissed off/frustrated with you.

I have a friend who frequently cancels plans at the last minute due to one of her children having a bit of a cold, or feeling a bit sick etc. It’s really frustrating, especially when my kids had been looking forward to playing with her kids.

Yes, cancel if kids are feeling awful or are throwing up but just otherwise get on with it. Life really is too short to be missing out on seeing friends and family on the off chance that you might catch a bug from them.

Insertcreativenamehere · 14/05/2022 19:18

YABU/dramatic

IAteTheLastOne · 14/05/2022 19:22

Wednesdayafternoon · 13/05/2022 11:24

@OnceuponaRainbow18 well I suppose I'm just wanting to have a chat about it!

But you’re not chatting, you’re battering down anyone who thinks you’re unreasonable! I think both yours and your sisters reactions were too big. You for cancelling, your sister for being cross. Postpone until next weekend, tell her you’d rather leave a longer gap between incidents of vomiting.

Blev2022 · 14/05/2022 19:25

I haven’t read the whole thread so sorry if I’m repeating!

I don’t think your sister should have been angry with you, it’s not your fault you have a phobia and additionally I wouldn’t want my own kids to catch a vomiting bug. There’s a difference between going to nursery and picking something up unknowingly, to knowingly subjecting your child to it.

However (I’m a cbt therapist FYI who has treat vomiting phobia) , I would echo what other people have said. Your child is going to pick up bugs and it’s in your best interests and your child’s to get this sorted out. Not only for your own sanity but also so you can be there fully for your child, because they will need a lot of comfort should (or more like when!) it happens

Hobnob90 · 14/05/2022 19:47

I don’t think you were being unreasonable I would cancel as well. Wouldn’t want to mix with a family who’s got a vomiting bug in the house.

Kteeb1 · 14/05/2022 19:51

Do you often cancel things at last minute or avoid seeing your sister? If not then YANBU. she should understand if you rarely do it. But if you often do this or you hardly ever see your sister then it sounds like something else might be going on.

Yummymummy2020 · 14/05/2022 19:54

I would also cancel, but honestly I would like to think someone wouldn’t come knowingly contagious to a young child’s party, to me that’s really selfish! Unfortunately because you mentioned the phobia it’s getting focus but I have no phobia and I wouldn’t want it in my house either, been there and done that with a very poorly four month old and nearly two year old and it was a awful experience. It’s different when they are bigger and in school ect but having contagious people over knowingly? No thanks!!! I don’t blame you!

clarepetal · 14/05/2022 19:58

I'm emetaphobic too. I feel for you and totally understand.

RedHelenB · 14/05/2022 19:59

Wednesdayafternoon · 13/05/2022 11:24

@OnceuponaRainbow18 well I suppose I'm just wanting to have a chat about it!

Yabu, the cousins will be looking forward to it. Could you have postponed it for a week at the very least?

Applegreenb · 14/05/2022 20:12

If we have a sickness bug we make sure we are at least 48hr clear before mixing with other people. I thought that was pretty standard. Plus to be honest they are rough no kid wants to be out at a party when they have been sick / run down.

Only time I would say YABU is if the one with sickness bug wasn’t coming. You could have carried on with everyone else.

LittleMissMe99 · 14/05/2022 20:14

Yeah you're unreasonable. You're punishing your son because of something you're worried may happen in the future. You need to get more help asap

Cj19877 · 14/05/2022 20:15

Wednesdayafternoon · 13/05/2022 14:11

Thank you! I totally agree, and when I have some spare money I definitely want to get some help with this sickness phobia because it's horrible! I hate it. I'd give anything to not have it!

But my decision on this isn't due to my phobia. For example, if they had Covid which is something I'm not worried about, I still would do the same because why would i knowingly put them in a position where they get unwell?! I just wouldnt and I won't!

Show quote history

Try looking up 'clear minds hypnotherapy' for a cheaper but still amazing option. I think I bought two recordings for £16 on a different subject and it's worked wonderfully well.

P.s. YANBU at all, I'd never take my kids to a party if I had a sickness bug in the family 😷

StuckInTheMiddleOfNowhere · 14/05/2022 20:20

I think yabu sorry

Londoncallingme · 14/05/2022 20:22

YANBU
Jan Rd are the siblings will catch it and then your family, even without a phobia nobody walks knowingly into a sickness bug. Have they Covid tested? My youngest had vomiting as his only symptom.
he’s a baby, he won’t know.you can reschedule in a couple of weeks. And she’s your sister so she should understand the phobia issue too. But I’m not phobic - I’d still avoid a vomiting bug if possible.

StuckInTheMiddleOfNowhere · 14/05/2022 20:23

Sorry yabu. What will you do when dc starts pre school or infants and sickness bugs are rife.
Thankfully my dcs have never picked one up but dds friend at pre school gets every one going.

Jellicoe · 14/05/2022 20:33

Come on people. OP is a single mum with two kids. A 2 year old isn't going to also make to the loo on time to throw up or whatever if he get hit with the sick bug. I have the benefit of having a very switched on husband and even with him I remember those early years days were hard during child illness. OP - your family your business. Having said I am not sure why you are seeking parental validation on this forum.

aSofaNearYou · 14/05/2022 20:35

I don't think YABU - it's sensible to avoid mixing with kids with stomach bugs FGS. I'd have just moved it to nest weekend, though, it sounds fairly informal anyway.

Alexandria94 · 14/05/2022 22:53

Rosesandbutterflys · 13/05/2022 11:28

Why on earth would your sister want to bring around a contagious child with the norovirus or whatever to your house?? Sickness bugs are so contagious! YANBU. Even if she left your niece at home, herself and her other children are likely to have it/ get it before Sunday anyway and if they're in the incubation period themselves and don't realise then could pass it onto your family.

How selfish and self-absorbed of her.

Sickness bugs are one thing I won't take risks with as I HATE them, fair enough you can't shield your DC forever from them but there's a difference between them picking stuff up at school unknowingly and purposefully socialising with a household that's got a sickness bug.

If I had a sickness bug I would be keeping away from people, not getting in a strop because others didn't want it.

This!

YANBU. Your DS is only 2, a birthday means nothing to him. However, what will bother him is a stomach bug, if he does catch it. Just stupid for people to have a go at you for trying to protect your family and comparing an optional birthday party to your kids attending nursery.

I think your sister is being unreasonable. If it was me I would totally understand and wouldn't have expected to come and visit anyway if I had a contagious sickness within my household!

Fromthebirdsnest · 14/05/2022 23:15

I'm immune compromised so I get 100% where your coming from and my friends don't come over when they are ill and it drives me mental when I hear people on the playground talking about sending ill children with temperatures into school ... id take him to a farm park or something instead x

Nonicknamesleft · 14/05/2022 23:30

YANBU. I'm sorry your sister isn't cutting you a bit more slack. Just rearrange it for when everyone is well - it doesn't matter a damn if it's a couple of weeks or a month after the birthday. If one of my sibs did something that I thought ridiculous, I'd roll my eyes inwardly and get on with it, like the grown up I'm supposed to be. I wouldn't be tearing a strip off my single mum sister who has an anxiety around something. More kindness, please.