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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To cancel a party

225 replies

Wednesdayafternoon · 13/05/2022 11:01

So basically I made the decision to cancel my sons second birthday party. When I say party it really was just a matter of the cousins coming round and having tea in the garden with some toys out etc. I was really looking forward to it, my son was born during lockdown and because of lockdown I do feel like we've missed out on quite a lot when it comes to celebrations and sharing special moments and occasions so I've not made this decision lightly.
Basically my niece has been unwell today. She has a stomach bug. I have a lifelong sickness phobia, it's quite an intense one. I've had counselling and CBT therapy but unfortunately I do struggle to keep on top of my phobia. Anyway his party is in two days so I know the NHS guidelines are that you should wait two days before mixing but I just made the decision to cancel the party because her siblings would be coming round and I would just be very worried about them passing something on. For the sake of having tea in the garden I just don't really think it's worthwhile putting my own children at risk when it comes to mixing when that household of been particularly unwell. To me the benefit doesn't outweigh what concerns me. I will still make it special for my son. This was just one aspect of his birthday.
I tried to discuss this with my sister and I sent her a message just explaining the above from I didn't really feel comfortable. I thought she would understand. If it was the other way round and my household have been unwell and somebody had said that they think its best to not go ahead with the tea because of that then I may well be disappointed but I would completely respect their point of you. Anyway my sister is really unhappy with me. She thinks I've been really disrespectful and I said a big argument with me. My niece was unwell today and as soon as I found out that she had a stomach bug I made the decision to cancel the dinner pretty much straight away. That didn't take away me showing any concern to my neice, I've been checking in on her all yesterday and today. But I just sent a quick message saying that I think that we should cancel. I was going to buy the stuff for the party today so I needed to make the decision today.
Do you guys really think I'm being unreasonable? I understand that you might think I'm being overly cautious, but am I really being unreasonable and did I really deserve a telling off for making the decision today to cancel my sons party?

OP posts:
Original poster
Wednesdayafternoon · 13/05/2022 12:39

For those saying that they're back my sister is fed up of me having a phobia, to be quite frank I'm fed up of a lot of peoples anxieties but would I ever put them in a position to make them feel bad about it? No that's gaslighting behaviour. We all have phobias,'s anxieties, certain ways. It's okay that we don't all understand it. It's more about respecting my boundaries and respecting my decision of a parent of what I think is more appropriate for my own children.
In December last year my son caught a drums he bug and 4 weeks later he caught another one. My youngest caught it both times, I caught it once. I had to have weeks off work! So where it's unavoidable it's just rubbish but when it is avoidable why would I put them in that boat!

OP posts:
Original poster
Wednesdayafternoon · 13/05/2022 12:39

*stomach bug

OP posts:
strrawberriesandcream · 13/05/2022 12:40

I think if 48 hours has passed since anybody has been sick and nobody else is unwell then you would be unreasonable to cancel.

If the sickness has only just started or anybody is feeling unwell And potentially going to start with it because of their symptoms then it's perfectly reasonable to cancel.

ludocris · 13/05/2022 12:44

Wednesdayafternoon · 13/05/2022 12:39

For those saying that they're back my sister is fed up of me having a phobia, to be quite frank I'm fed up of a lot of peoples anxieties but would I ever put them in a position to make them feel bad about it? No that's gaslighting behaviour. We all have phobias,'s anxieties, certain ways. It's okay that we don't all understand it. It's more about respecting my boundaries and respecting my decision of a parent of what I think is more appropriate for my own children.
In December last year my son caught a drums he bug and 4 weeks later he caught another one. My youngest caught it both times, I caught it once. I had to have weeks off work! So where it's unavoidable it's just rubbish but when it is avoidable why would I put them in that boat!

I don't think it's gaslighting. I think it's just people trying to explain that your anxiety is potentially vexing to others. If you were my sister i would try to accommodate it as far as possible, but I would also get a bit annoyed if you wanted to be more cautious than NHS guidance suggests and that started to impact on our plans. With small children, vomiting is an inevitability. We might have cross words but we'd soon make up again.

Howabsolutelyfanfuckingtastic · 13/05/2022 12:46

I would have cancelled too, who seriously wants to risk dealing with vomiting and have their child/children feeling poorly.
It's always best to avoid sickness if possible in my opinion. I can't understand why your sister is being awkward about it, she shouldn't want to possibly pass on a bug to you and/or your children.
Maybe you could do it next weekend instead when everyone is hopefully better.

saraclara · 13/05/2022 12:47

Yep, I suspect that this is the latest of a few occasions that your sister has had to deal with. I also wonder how you worded this message?

If it was a warm message focused on the sick child ("oh no, poor X. Let's postpone the party until she's feeling better. DS won't know any different") then sis would be being unreasonable. But I'm going to guess that that wasn't how you put it.

hulahooper2 · 13/05/2022 12:49

I think you are overreacting, what will you do when your child is at nursery/school and coming into contact with every day illnesses

viques · 13/05/2022 12:49

Your son is two, he can’t read a calendar, as far as he is concerned he will have fun on one day with cards , presents and a cake, and then yippee, in a couple of weeks he will have more fun, with more presents, his cousins and another cake.

BackflandedCondiment · 13/05/2022 12:50

I think the term 'party' might be confusing people. Unless I'm mistaken it was just your sister and her two children coming round for tea, now one of those children is sick today?

I'd have cancelled under those circumstances, not least because 1 child makes up a relatively large % of the children invited, so it would just seem nicer to do it next weekend (for e.g.) when they can attend and enjoy it.

Glitterspy · 13/05/2022 12:54

Yes YABU to cancel. When was the kid last sick? 48h ago? I think you’ve massively overreacted because of your phobia.

You should have called or messaged your sister to see how the vomming kid is. If they’ve not vommed since the evening/day before then they’ll be tired but fine (then it’s up to your sis to decide whether to bring them or not - I wouldn’t in that situation as I believe kids need a day to recover from a sick bug). But that would be her decision not yours.

godmum56 · 13/05/2022 12:56

I have not a phobia, but I wouldn't want a child with potential noro in the house, sorry. its a family tea not a 100 seat street partysnd if I was your sister I would have pulled out anyway. Deffo yanbu.

BackflandedCondiment · 13/05/2022 12:56

When was the kid last sick? 48h ago?

In the OP she says she is unwell today

Sunnierdays · 13/05/2022 12:56

What’s going to happen when he goes to nursery / school ? Bugs are rife and he needs to allow his immune system to be exposed to them . Your phobia is affecting your son now.

HoppingPavlova · 13/05/2022 12:56

YABVU. They are kids. They get shit. It’s short lived. Get over it.

veronicagoldberg · 13/05/2022 12:57

That's awful to make your son miss out just because you have a phobia. Nobody likes vomiting. You need to woman up.

CanIbeRio · 13/05/2022 12:58

I'm completely with you OP and I would have done the same as I too have this awful phobia.
Trouble is, unless you have it, no one understands and decisions like you've made are questioned and then you are left doubting yourself and your sanity and seek out validation, like you've done here. It's awful to feel like your decisions are being scoffed at... you are absolutely in the right as you and your family will be exposed to risk of infection....especially if it's noro which us so contagious.
I get so fed up of the "well what about school/nursery" argument....you have to go with the risk and suck it up in in some scenarios but if you can dodge it, why wouldn't you...it's a no brainer surely?! Nothing wrong with your decision OP

Namechange1345677 · 13/05/2022 12:58

You have been very ott

DontLikeNoBugs · 13/05/2022 12:59

I've done a NC because I'm so scared of slugs/snails I don't want them showing up in my posting history. I usually call them bugs because I can't bring myself to say the words. But I really empathise with you being phobic and I want to take the specificity of "sickness" out of the equation because you're focused on "shouldn't everyone be this cautious about sickness" and that's coming from your own phobia. I literally open my door and check for slugs before I step outside but I understand that everyone else doesn't really think about it.

I'm trying to see this from both points of view. From yours, I imagine this would be akin to my kids' cousins showing up right after getting a new pet snail (I am aware some people have them as pets). I'd be worried about contamination. I'd constantly be worrying about things like, have their hands touched the snail, and now they're touching the party food? And also absolutely not wanting to hear details about their new pet.

From your sister's point of view, I imagine this would be akin to her having a pet snail and knowing that there are slugs and snails everywhere, in your garden etc, and that we all have to deal with slugs and snails and use surfaces they've touched, and feeling like, because slugs/snails are unavoidable, maybe she doesn't really understand why you can't get over it and have a party.

I hope that helps decontextualise it and that I don't get piled on by people who enjoy tearing other people to pieces because I'm not coming back to this thread or username.

notagamer · 13/05/2022 12:59

So just them coming?

what a shame cancel immediately and instead see how it plays out.

sounds to me like you did not want this party to take place

MrsPelligrinoPetrichor · 13/05/2022 12:59

Why would she want to come round if they're I'll? I'd just ask her not to come not cancel they whole thing. She's already stroppy so you might as well go ahead with it.

nearlyspringyay · 13/05/2022 12:59

I think the phobia has clouded things.

If anyone has had D & or V they should be at home for 48 hours. OP had to make a call on food today so cancelled. Perfectly reasonable.

BackflandedCondiment · 13/05/2022 13:00

nearlyspringyay · 13/05/2022 12:59

I think the phobia has clouded things.

If anyone has had D & or V they should be at home for 48 hours. OP had to make a call on food today so cancelled. Perfectly reasonable.

I think so too.

Greyarea12 · 13/05/2022 13:02

Your phobia aside, most people would cancel if the only other people who were coming were unwell. Why would your sister want to take her children to a tea party when they have a sickness bug. I think your right in cancelling and if I'm honest it should of been your sister who said she was cancelling.

bakewellbride · 13/05/2022 13:06

You might think it's best for your children but in fact your approach doesn't bode well with them developing decent immune systems. Yabu.

Louise0701 · 13/05/2022 13:06

YABU and very dramatic.

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