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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To cancel a party

225 replies

Wednesdayafternoon · 13/05/2022 11:01

So basically I made the decision to cancel my sons second birthday party. When I say party it really was just a matter of the cousins coming round and having tea in the garden with some toys out etc. I was really looking forward to it, my son was born during lockdown and because of lockdown I do feel like we've missed out on quite a lot when it comes to celebrations and sharing special moments and occasions so I've not made this decision lightly.
Basically my niece has been unwell today. She has a stomach bug. I have a lifelong sickness phobia, it's quite an intense one. I've had counselling and CBT therapy but unfortunately I do struggle to keep on top of my phobia. Anyway his party is in two days so I know the NHS guidelines are that you should wait two days before mixing but I just made the decision to cancel the party because her siblings would be coming round and I would just be very worried about them passing something on. For the sake of having tea in the garden I just don't really think it's worthwhile putting my own children at risk when it comes to mixing when that household of been particularly unwell. To me the benefit doesn't outweigh what concerns me. I will still make it special for my son. This was just one aspect of his birthday.
I tried to discuss this with my sister and I sent her a message just explaining the above from I didn't really feel comfortable. I thought she would understand. If it was the other way round and my household have been unwell and somebody had said that they think its best to not go ahead with the tea because of that then I may well be disappointed but I would completely respect their point of you. Anyway my sister is really unhappy with me. She thinks I've been really disrespectful and I said a big argument with me. My niece was unwell today and as soon as I found out that she had a stomach bug I made the decision to cancel the dinner pretty much straight away. That didn't take away me showing any concern to my neice, I've been checking in on her all yesterday and today. But I just sent a quick message saying that I think that we should cancel. I was going to buy the stuff for the party today so I needed to make the decision today.
Do you guys really think I'm being unreasonable? I understand that you might think I'm being overly cautious, but am I really being unreasonable and did I really deserve a telling off for making the decision today to cancel my sons party?

OP posts:
K37529 · 14/05/2022 23:37

YANBU. But I would postpone the party instead of cancelling just do it a few days later. I had to do this with one of the childrens birthdays because he had covid. he got all his presents on his actual birthday and we did the party a few days later, he really enjoyed it he said it was like having two birthdays 🙂.

AshtonsMummy2017 · 14/05/2022 23:38

No, not really being unreasonable at all. I’m sure your son would rather a toy for his birthday rather than D&V. Just re-schedule for next weekend once it’s completed the rounds in her house, the daughter won’t be the last to get it. I wouldn’t willingly make myself sick either, not for tea at a cousin’s house, seems completely illogical. I’m not anxious about being sick either, just don’t purposely put myself or my family through things that we find unpleasant. If people think that’s strange or unreasonable well that’s not my problem.

Islandgirl68 · 14/05/2022 23:44

No you are not being unreasonable. Your son is two, he won't really know that he didn't have a party. They could still be infectious so best to keep clear. Hope he has a lovely bday.

LIZS · 14/05/2022 23:44

You are asking others to validate your decision. Your dn may well be fine tomorrow as long as she was not sick again. However your choice to cancel, fair enough, but yabu to expect your sister to agree with it and then she has to deal with the disappointment of her dc. You do need support with your phobia though, as children get ill and you won't avoid it longer term.

pobble2019 · 15/05/2022 00:19

Wow I reactivated my account simply to reply to your message here. So many insensitive people who do not understand or accommodate for OP'S phobia. It's not a thing you just "get over". It's really hard. You did the right thing OP! Your sister is socially irresponsible and absolutely insensitive and you are being a good mother not allowing the children to spread bugs between themselves. I am also an emetophobe with a 3 year old and totally understand your position.

Teenagehorrorbag · 15/05/2022 00:25

Not unreasonable at all! Nothing to do with your phobia, who on earth would take children out socialising when one had a sickness bug? They can't come to you, so of course the 'party' is cancelled. Your DSis is deranged if she thinks otherwise........

Pandagirl71 · 15/05/2022 00:46

I think you have done the right thing. Your dS is 2. Plenty more birthdays. Your sister is being unreasonable. My dd has a sickness issue and I certainly wouldn't want other kids at my house with possible sickness bugs. other children may disappointed but life sucks and they need to get used to the fact that parties get cancelled and things don't always go to plan.

CorvusPurpureus · 15/05/2022 01:13

I think you're being more risk adverse than I'd be - I'm firmly of the school of thought that kids are basically germy little gits at the best of times, & there's no point trying to avoid random bugs.

If your event was a huge family party with older/vulnerable family members present, I'd see your point about not unleashing a possible pukey bug. Small children having a low key tea party? Honestly, I'd take my chances.

However - having said that - it's also no big deal to cancel/postpone a toddler party for 2 small families, given you & your sister see each other regularly. It's not like she's flying in from overseas!

So if I were your sister, I might roll my eyes a bit & think you were being a tad of a fuss pot. I wouldn't argue with you. I'd quietly humour you & I'd be happy to reschedule.

So overall, yanbu & your sister is making a wholly unnecessary fuss.

AncrenneWisse · 15/05/2022 01:29

YANBU.

Of course you should cancel - your sister should have already cancelled herself. This will go around for a while yet and you might as well stay away from it if you can. Have a delayed party. Little kids aren’t fussed about exact dates.

CelestiaNoctis · 15/05/2022 01:35

Why not just postpone it until next week? He's 2, he has no concept of a calendar. Still do something as a family and then have people over next week when it's all clear.

bluesapphire48 · 15/05/2022 02:00

If I was having a birthday party under these circumstances, I would do the same thing as you did. Of course, your child will be exposed to sickness in nursery school later on, but there's no reason not to try to protect him whenever possible when he's so young.

Perhaps your sister was anticipating have to deal with disappointed children, and so it might have been helpful to simply tell her you only PUT OFF the birthday party to a later date. Maybe you could still tell her that. Young children may not really understand the concept of "later," but it wouldn't hurt them to learn it. And a child as young as your son won't know the significance of the exact date of his birthday. You could celebrate his birthday a month from now and it would be just as good as celebrating it on the actual day.

JKRisGalileo · 15/05/2022 03:21

No, of course you are not being unreasonable. The unreasonable ones are those who expect you to expose your entire household to a stomach bug. It doesn't take a phobia to be careful about such things. It is not only unreasonable but massively uncaring to expect you to accept this. Well done; stick to your guns.

Mummyoflittledragon · 15/05/2022 08:29

I am very prone to sickness bugs and am very ill with them, blacking out etc and 48 hours is not long enough for me. I once caught a bug off a friend after going to her house 2 days after her dh’s symptoms had stopped. She and her ds had been clear for a few days and he had returned to work that day. I got the bug and was ill for a good week. Many years ago I was fuming when we went away for a few days with a group of dh’s colleagues and partners. One of the women brought her mum, who had an active vomiting bug with them. Guess who was the only one, who got the bug and ended up in the hotel room for the rest of the break on dry biscuits, sipping flat lemonade / coke?!

I would have postponed rather cancelled. You could do it one evening perhaps?

Barney60 · 15/05/2022 10:30

YANBU i would cancel too.

maria57 · 15/05/2022 11:12

No you are NOT being unreasonable. Who in the right mind would think it is ok to bring a sick child to a little get together.
I think it is selfish of them and they clearly have no consideration for those around the child who may pick up the bug themselves,
The only other thing you could do is suggest the get together takes place in a week or two when the child is better and clear of illness.
Cant believe the amount of people on here who think its ok to take along a sick child to someone elses home when the child is unwell!

Rolypolyfishheads · 15/05/2022 12:36

I think you have done absolutely the right thing OP, I really don't blame you. I too have a phobia of sickness bugs as I'm really prone to catching them and it really does make you feel horrendous. Especially as you are a single parent, what if you caught the bug, how on earth would you be expected to look after your children, being so Ill? I think it would be irresponsible of your sister to still bring the children around to yours. As for people having a go at you for this, what the actual fuck?!!! Don't let people make you feel bad OP. My cousin's little girl had a stomach bug, my cousin brought her around to mine quite a few days after and I still caught it!!! I felt like I was dieing, and no, that's not an exaggeration!!

LifesTooShortForYourNonsense · 15/05/2022 13:13

YANBU Just have another day, no problem

bridgetreilly · 15/05/2022 13:49

Why didn’t you postpone instead of cancelling? It does seem a bit ridiculous to have cancelled so far in advance when you don’t even know that anyone will be sick/quarantined on the day. And if they were, surely those that were ill could have just stayed home? Perhaps next time, consider some other options instead of immediately shutting down. Your son won’t mind this time, but when he’s older, he definitely will.

librarian55 · 15/05/2022 14:00

YANBU, your sister is. I don't have any sickness phobia but I would have done the same thing. Who would willingly invite a sickness bug into their home? You could always rearrange for another time.

Supergirl1958 · 15/05/2022 17:42

Sorry but YABU and this is coming from someone with emetphobia!!

Two days is long enough IMO. Your child will pick it up eventually when they start mixing with kids, you’ll have no idea who they will have mixed with who may be carrying all sorts of germs!

I hope you change your mind!

CatsnCoffee · 15/05/2022 17:59

I think you were right to cancel. No party is so good it’s worth risking a sickness bug for it.
As for your phobia, it makes me angry to see such insensitivity from other contributors. I also have several phobias, of which one is of vomit. Phobias shouldn’t be trivialised. They wouldn’t tell someone with a physical difficulty just to get over it.
As for dealing with sickness bugs around your child when he goes to school, that will be testing for you, but you will find ways to work round it as I have done with 5 children.
Your sister is being selfish. Remind her firmly that you suffer with a phobia, but don’t feel guilty. You did the right thing.

aSofaNearYou · 15/05/2022 18:05

Supergirl1958 · 15/05/2022 17:42

Sorry but YABU and this is coming from someone with emetphobia!!

Two days is long enough IMO. Your child will pick it up eventually when they start mixing with kids, you’ll have no idea who they will have mixed with who may be carrying all sorts of germs!

I hope you change your mind!

If she was an only child two days might be long enough (though it's about "how long", isn't it) but this child has siblings that are pretty likely to have caught it off them.

The fact that they will get germs at some point is no reason to just walk into getting a known sickness bug right now. D&V would ruin a birthday more than a party would make it.

Supergirl1958 · 15/05/2022 20:58

aSofaNearYou · 15/05/2022 18:05

If she was an only child two days might be long enough (though it's about "how long", isn't it) but this child has siblings that are pretty likely to have caught it off them.

The fact that they will get germs at some point is no reason to just walk into getting a known sickness bug right now. D&V would ruin a birthday more than a party would make it.

Show quote history

It doesn’t necessarily mean it will fly through the household though!

Two weeks ago, I caught and suffered horrifically with a stomach bug. I didn’t distance myself from anyone in my household , in fact, I was cuddled up to my son for most of the weekend, for childcare reasons. Neither he or my fiancé were ill with any kind of bug, yet most of my class were off in the following days! I’m a teacher.

Im entitled to an opinion, and this is my point of view @aSofaNearYou.

As always there will be some who agree with the OP and some who don’t! Like I said, I suffer from emetophobia, and like my anxiety and depression, I’ve learned to live with it, as unfortunately, bugs/germs will and can happen at any point whether you tried to avoid them or not! Imagine the OP catches it from the supermarket, or work, or anywhere!!

Original poster
Wednesdayafternoon · 15/05/2022 21:06

@Supergirl1958 o really do respect that we all have different opinions and ways of parenting. It was your choice to cuddle up to your children when you were poorly and you were able to do that because that's what you thought was right. But in my situation I made a decision which I thought was best and I stand by it but in return I got a load of abuse off my sister. Why can some of us make decision and choices and not others?

Anyway, I made this post on Friday and the party was Sunday. My sister turned up to the house on Saturday with all the children regardless of my wishes...

OP posts:
Supergirl1958 · 15/05/2022 21:32

@Wednesdayafternoon i didn’t really have a choice…he’s two and my fiancé was working…how am I supposed to parent otherwise!

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