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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say no to people who want to hold my baby

193 replies

pearlsandpetals · 12/05/2022 17:20

Okay so hear me out first !

My baby is 4 months old and we are going through a very clingy phase where she is very attached to me and doesn't like to be held by anyone other than me or my partner and some very close family who she sees regularly. She is also a very calm baby who hates lots of stimulation and has been that way since birth.

Now we have a family event coming up and a few family members who we don't see as often will be there. One of them is my partner's dad and I know he will be wanting to hold the baby and walk around with her and generally make a big fuss of her. I know this comes from a place of good intentions but I know this will distress my baby. Last time this happened he said he would take her outside and walk around with her and this only made things worse. I don't want to put my baby in another situation like this to make her upset and distressed.

Question is am I being unreasonable as I know that these are family who just want to see my baby, and if not how do I handle it in a polite way not to offend anyone

OP posts:
ChickensandCows · 12/05/2022 17:21

YANBU in a way but also a bit PFB so I had to vote YABU.

Sirzy · 12/05/2022 17:21

Yes it’s unreasonable to stop Grandad from holding his Grandaughter!

Greensleeves · 12/05/2022 17:23

When you say your partner's dad, do you mean your child's grandfather? If so, then I think you are being extremely unreasonable, and unkind. Of course he will want to hold her, and unless you have particular concerns about him, I think you should let him. If she gets upset, you can take her back. She won't come to any harm.

Being passed around all and sundry and allowed to become distressed is one thing. Not letting her actual grandparents hold her is something else Hmm

AnneLovesGilbert · 12/05/2022 17:24

Have her in a sling if you don’t want anyone to hold her.

Aquamarine1029 · 12/05/2022 17:24

Just say no, it's not a good time. It's really not complicated. Your baby is not a toy to be shared amongst the crowd.

Original poster
pearlsandpetals · 12/05/2022 17:26

Are you serious in that you think it's okay to let my baby be in distressed and screaming because she is scared? I said my partner's dad because that's what he is to me, he's not my grandfather 😂

OP posts:
doadeer · 12/05/2022 17:27

I think you're being a bit precious... He won't want to hold her long but it is his grand child! It's not an unreasonable request. If she is screaming he's not going to do it long. And there's no likely any long term damage from this to your baby!

PinkSyCo · 12/05/2022 17:27

Let him hold her. If she makes a fuss take him back off her again. It’s not hard.

Greensleeves · 12/05/2022 17:28

pearlsandpetals · 12/05/2022 17:26

Are you serious in that you think it's okay to let my baby be in distressed and screaming because she is scared? I said my partner's dad because that's what he is to me, he's not my grandfather 😂

Yes, I realise that, I was trying to ascertain whether or not the man in question is your child's grandfather. If he is, and you are seriously proposing not to allow him to hold his grandchild, then yes, you are being ridiculous and unkind. Your baby won't come to any harm being held by him for a few moments, and if she cries you can take her back.

IDontDrinkTea · 12/05/2022 17:28

You are unreasonable to prevent anyone from holding her all day. You are not being unreasonable to want her back if she is becoming distressed. The baby should have a cuddle with her grandparents (yes, grandparents, not your partners dad…)

HiJenny35 · 12/05/2022 17:28

Could you take a pram and just explain what she isn't liking being held and ask if he could give her a push in her pram?

RoomOfRequirement · 12/05/2022 17:29

I 100% agree with not letting random people hold your baby but I wouldn't call her GRANDPARENTS random people.

I wouldn't let her out of my sight/have them walking away with her but how will she ever get comfortable with them if you don't let them spend time with her? I'm confused.

Scrumbleton · 12/05/2022 17:29

Sorry YABU - PFB approach I’m afraid. Of course her GF should be allowed to hold her. If she cries he’ll pass her back.

darlingdodo · 12/05/2022 17:31

Scared 🙄

Original poster
pearlsandpetals · 12/05/2022 17:33

Yes, she is four months old.

OP posts:
orangeisthenewpuce · 12/05/2022 17:33

You don't know that's going to happen. Let him hold her and if she starts screaming take her back. It really is that simple.

KrisAkabusi · 12/05/2022 17:33

pearlsandpetals · 12/05/2022 17:26

Are you serious in that you think it's okay to let my baby be in distressed and screaming because she is scared? I said my partner's dad because that's what he is to me, he's not my grandfather 😂

Your child will have to get used to being held by other people, so yes. Let her be held by her grandfather to learn that other people can be safe, comfortable places too. Otherwise you're making a rod for your own back down the line.

SickAndTiredAgain · 12/05/2022 17:35

I think YABU to not let her grandad have a cuddle. YANBU to want her back if/when she becomes upset.

Greensleeves · 12/05/2022 17:36

pearlsandpetals · 12/05/2022 17:33

Yes, she is four months old.

Yes, you've already told us that. I advise you to try and get out of the mindset that every time your baby cries she is going through catastrophic trauma. She isn't. If she fusses when someone else is holding her, take her back. It doesn't mean she's feeling existential terror and will never recover. FGS this isn't some bloke off the street, it's her grandparent. If you don't unclench you are going to stop her from forming healthy, meaningful relationships with people other than you, which will be a lot worse for her than being allowed to whinge a bit.

ComDummings · 12/05/2022 17:36

Let people hold her but if she becomes upset just be assertive and take her back.

Rubyroseyposey · 12/05/2022 17:36

All babies go through a phase of this. She will be fine if she becomes distressed just take her back. You are massively over thinking this tbh.

FrecklesMalone · 12/05/2022 17:38

Sorry but you sound a bit over protective which can make you anxious. This will make your child anxious which is not good for anyone.

CuriousCatfish · 12/05/2022 17:39

Would the very close family you allow to hold your baby happen to be your parents?

cookiemonster2468 · 12/05/2022 17:40

But if you never let other people hold her she will be even more clingy and will not become secure being away from you.

She is obviously OK with people she is 'used to', so you can help her expand that circle by letting others hold her for brief periods.

It will be good for her development to experience other people holding her.

Just take her back if she cries.

springbreak22 · 12/05/2022 17:43

Maybe start getting her use to other people Hmm