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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say no to people who want to hold my baby

193 replies

pearlsandpetals · 12/05/2022 17:20

Okay so hear me out first !

My baby is 4 months old and we are going through a very clingy phase where she is very attached to me and doesn't like to be held by anyone other than me or my partner and some very close family who she sees regularly. She is also a very calm baby who hates lots of stimulation and has been that way since birth.

Now we have a family event coming up and a few family members who we don't see as often will be there. One of them is my partner's dad and I know he will be wanting to hold the baby and walk around with her and generally make a big fuss of her. I know this comes from a place of good intentions but I know this will distress my baby. Last time this happened he said he would take her outside and walk around with her and this only made things worse. I don't want to put my baby in another situation like this to make her upset and distressed.

Question is am I being unreasonable as I know that these are family who just want to see my baby, and if not how do I handle it in a polite way not to offend anyone

OP posts:
Stade197 · 12/05/2022 18:50

I would keep trying baby with other people to get used to them, maybe they need to take her where she cant see you? She needs to learn to be away from you otherwise what will happen if you go back to work, or need to go somewhere and someone else needs to look after her?

WarmWinterSun · 12/05/2022 18:50

Let him have a cuddle. If she becomes upset then take her back. It’s not a big deal. I feel sad for the baby’s grandfather.

babyjellyfish · 12/05/2022 18:51

pearlsandpetals · 12/05/2022 17:26

Are you serious in that you think it's okay to let my baby be in distressed and screaming because she is scared? I said my partner's dad because that's what he is to me, he's not my grandfather 😂

But he is your child's grandfather.

And she will never get used to him if you don't let him anywhere near her.

You are being very unreasonable and unkind.

I can't get my heads around the sort of person who would want to stop a grandfather from holding his grandchild without a good reason, e.g. history of abuse.

SmallPrawnEnergy · 12/05/2022 18:51

They don’t get used to people by being hysterical and crying in their presence. Babies cry for their primary care givers to meet a need, ignoring the crying and telling op to get over it is shit parenting imo. But if other posters don’t want to respond to a 4 month olds needs then that’s on them.

a sling is your friend here op:

User354354 · 12/05/2022 18:54

Surely you just let him hold her and if she starts screaming take her back.

TickleMyFancies · 12/05/2022 18:58

Oh come on op don't be moody. It really is ok to let someone else hold your baby even if they are crying - sometimes it's unavoidable for example if you have other children to deal with or some other emergency. I remember my dd falling over in the street and I shoved my then 5 month old ds at a lady waiting at the bus stop so I could deal with her!! (She had offered to help btw) He screamed his head off but all was well.

if you don't like answers don't ask questions is my advice to you 😊

FabulousKilljoys · 12/05/2022 19:03

User354354 · 12/05/2022 18:54

Surely you just let him hold her and if she starts screaming take her back.

This. Job done.

Jjnbftgkhfrvjudv · 12/05/2022 19:03

Cant believe these comments. Of course your not being unreasonable. Why would anyone want to see their baby distressed, there’s no reason anyone needs to hold her they can still make a fuss without. Remember it’s your baby and until she’s old enough to decide what she wants your in control of the rules.

Pottedpalm · 12/05/2022 19:03

I think what you mean is that you don’t like your partner’s father and don’t want to allow him
to touch your precious baby.

AhNowTed · 12/05/2022 19:06

Another one using their baby to score points, under the guise of concerned mother.

FabulousKilljoys · 12/05/2022 19:07

AhNowTed · 12/05/2022 19:06

Another one using their baby to score points, under the guise of concerned mother.

Yup

AngelinaFibres · 12/05/2022 19:07

pearlsandpetals · 12/05/2022 17:26

Are you serious in that you think it's okay to let my baby be in distressed and screaming because she is scared? I said my partner's dad because that's what he is to me, he's not my grandfather 😂

Nobody said he was your grandad. He is your daughters grandad. Why would you not let him hold her

ladydimitrescu · 12/05/2022 19:08

She's 4 months old - babies cry at just about anything. Mine used to fart and scare herself and cry. She's not going to be permanently traumatised and "distressed" by her grandfather holding her for a few minutes.
You'll do more harm in the long run by not allowing her to form attachments to other people. This is your issue, nothing to do with your baby being anxious, it's you who is anxious.

DaffodillSky · 12/05/2022 19:10

pearlsandpetals · 12/05/2022 18:25

Thanks. Yes last time he literally took her outside and walked down the street, she was clearly crying because she wanted me

Oh no, she must not feel secure or confident that you won't let anything happen to her. Sad

Sirzy · 12/05/2022 19:11

When did he last see her though? Babies change a lot very quickly so how she responded even 2 weeks ago could be different to how she responds today as I’m sure you know.

if he wants to walk holding her then surely your Partner can walk along with them to step in if needed?

RoseGoldEagle · 12/05/2022 19:16

YANBU! My DD went through a clingy phase at about 8 months and got so stressed if anyone else tried to cuddle her, even my own mum. Thankfully my Mum was really understanding and said she didn’t want to upset her, and instead would chat and sing to her while I was holding her, to be honest she soon brought DD round. A few months later my DD is happy going to most people. You’re not being PFB at all, you’re just putting your DD’s needs first!

Sally872 · 12/05/2022 19:16

Yabvu to stop grandad holding baby, that's how she will get to know him. When she gets upset take her back.

Yanbu if baby has been passed about to a few aunties and is getting grumpy to say no to the next distant relative who wants a hold.

StephMum92 · 12/05/2022 19:16

My DD is exactly the same but that doesn't stop us letting people hold her. We will let her be held, cry, they will try to soothe and if it doesn't work she will come back to me or partner to calm down, she is then passed back to them and is fine. DP recently had an op and we were basically stuck in the house for 3 weeks not seeing anyone which I'm sure is what caused it as she never used to be like that. We've been doing this for about 3 weeks and today when going to her grandad she fussed for about 10 seconds then he soothed her and she was sat laughing. I do understand where you're coming from I hate seeing my DD upset but I'd hate more that she won't be with anyone but me and DP as she gets older.

devildeepbluesea · 12/05/2022 19:21

I don’t think AIbU is the place for you OP.

Or the real world.

Cakeandcoffee93 · 12/05/2022 19:25

I did this when my baby was 3 months old at a 50th she got taken off me and passed around and was hysterical. They thought they were doing the right thing but it stresses me out- my bf said I was an overbearing mother- I was on pins the whole night and in the end a really nice relative from his side grabbed my baby and gave her to me and told me she’s mine- she knew how I felt. I was a young new mum- learnt my lesson fast. Just tell people no!

Shinyandnew1 · 12/05/2022 19:28

Are you serious in that you think it's okay to let my baby be in distressed and screaming because she is scared?

Scared-really?

How else will she get to know her grandparent if she can’t be with and cuddle them-that’s perfectly normal!

Hallyup89 · 12/05/2022 19:32

Ah, the classic AIBU.

Everyone says YABU. OP is insistent they're not.

Let your child's grandad hold her ffs. So, your baby cries for a minute. It's what a normal child does. Doesn't mean they're distressed.

I'm guessing this is only a problem because it's your partner's dad.

Nimo12 · 12/05/2022 19:34

rainbowunicorn · 12/05/2022 18:00

you are being ridiculous and very unkind

This 100%

Happierthanever91 · 12/05/2022 19:38

You're definitely not being unreasonable. It's your child above anything else and you don't have to do anything that you don't want. I'm constantly seeing people calling anyone who has boundaries like they don't have any of their own in life. You do what makes you feel comfortable and at ease. An option could be to even explain how you're feeling a bit anxious about her being away from you and just state you would want her close even if someone's having a hold.

Youseethethingis1 · 12/05/2022 19:40

My dad was merchant navy and apparently when I was a baby I would scream the heavens down if he tried to hold me when I was a baby, because I didn't know we shared DNA and he had a "right" to hold me, he was just some strange man with a beard being over familiar.
Solution was that he recorded himself reading me stories which my mum played every bed time.
Out come was that when he held his horses and talked to me for a bit, let me get familiar with him, he got his cuddles without any screaming.
My FIL is reasonably far away and often sends little videos of himself just chatting about his work or whatever and DS loves it. He knows his grandad even though he only see him a few times a year.
Maybe suggest something like this? But not I don't think a screaming distressed baby should be passed around because some people feel they are owed.