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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say no to people who want to hold my baby

193 replies

pearlsandpetals · 12/05/2022 17:20

Okay so hear me out first !

My baby is 4 months old and we are going through a very clingy phase where she is very attached to me and doesn't like to be held by anyone other than me or my partner and some very close family who she sees regularly. She is also a very calm baby who hates lots of stimulation and has been that way since birth.

Now we have a family event coming up and a few family members who we don't see as often will be there. One of them is my partner's dad and I know he will be wanting to hold the baby and walk around with her and generally make a big fuss of her. I know this comes from a place of good intentions but I know this will distress my baby. Last time this happened he said he would take her outside and walk around with her and this only made things worse. I don't want to put my baby in another situation like this to make her upset and distressed.

Question is am I being unreasonable as I know that these are family who just want to see my baby, and if not how do I handle it in a polite way not to offend anyone

OP posts:
EveryFlightBeginsWithAFall · 17/05/2022 08:09

Just let people hold her and take her back if she's too fussy

I'm sure when you have dgc you'll like to have the chance to get to know them and hold them

A 4 month old isn't frightened or traumatised by someone else holding them . Babies cry sometimes 😒

Thedogshouses · 17/05/2022 09:44

You are a bit unreasonable but its OK. By the time you have your third you will lobbing them across the room to granny like a rugby ball

Nanny0gg · 17/05/2022 09:59

LilliannaRose · 17/05/2022 06:43

How? How is this unreasonable? PearlsandPetals NO, you're not being unreasonable. In today's world and in a world wide pandemic... No.
You absolutely have ever right to tell every single person in both sides of the family they can see the baby fine from your care, or your husbands. My children were taught they don't have to share toys with anyone, nor did they have to hug, kiss, or other anyone they didn't want to. Until your baby can say yes or no for themselves you both have every right to make that choice for them. All babies go thru super attachments to a specific person, right at the same time they don't want to go to people they don't know. Forcing the baby to go to someone when the baby will only scream and be afraid makes them insecure and in need of more attention from Mom and Dad for months more than it normally would. Just like you can't pick baby up too much. My kids were raised to be secure and feel safe. That lead to them wanting to be down so they could run and play instead of always being picked up from fussing all the time. Raise your baby so they know they are secure and safe with you so they grow up to be self reliant individuals.

Show quote history

Taught them not to share??

Hope they were given the same treatment!

I understand not accepting unwanted kisses and hugs but not sharing toys is teaching them to be selfish.

Blossomtoes · 17/05/2022 11:29

Unbelievable, isn’t it? I’m so pleased I won’t be around when kids taught not to share reach adulthood. It bodes very badly for the future of society.

HelloBarkness · 17/05/2022 11:59

CoastalWave · 14/05/2022 18:19

You've probably already created a major issue. I could literally hand my babies to anyone - brilliant as I got a rest and they got to meet people and have fun!

You've created a nervous, anxious baby and sadly this will continue if you don't do something now to change it!

That's not how babies work 😂

hangrylady · 17/05/2022 12:09

OP "AIBU?"
MN "yes"
OP "no I'm not!"
Why bloody ask then 🙄

ChiefWiggumsBoy · 17/05/2022 12:18

AmbushedByCake · 12/05/2022 21:44

Don't really understand these responses. Most people wouldn't force a 4 year old or a 2 year old to hug someone they don't want to be hugged by. So why is it OK to take a tiny infant away from the place they feel secure for 'cuddles', the baby clearly isn't feeling cuddly if they're screaming. They won't bond well with someone who just takes them away from their safe place, they bond with people who interact with then and are patient and responsive to them.

But this doesn't make sense, no one is saying take a screaming baby away from their parent and hand them over to someone? They're saying allow cuddles and take them back if they start to cry Confused which is the only way they have to communicate they are uncomfortable. 2 and four year olds are (mainly) verbal; babies are not.

Sushi7 · 17/05/2022 12:24

some very close family

@pearlsandpetals The baby’s close family are you, her dad and her grandparents. YABU to stop her granddad from holding her. He isn’t hurting her or stealing her. Please don’t let your anxiety rub off on your Dd. She deserves to bond with multiple people.

amijustparanoidorjuststoned · 17/05/2022 12:40

Hi OP/PP - can I ask, is this not a good age for your daughter to start getting used to other people? Appreciate she's going through a clingy stage, and hopefully it doesn't last forever! But would it not be worth getting her used to other people even if she does kick off at first? To be honest, as long as she isn't at risk of harm I don't see what the problem is!

Butteryflakycrust83 · 17/05/2022 12:48

You dont KNOW she will be distressed - honestly I would let him try. Babies change all the time

TopSec · 17/05/2022 13:13

pearlsandpetals · 12/05/2022 18:25

Thanks. Yes last time he literally took her outside and walked down the street, she was clearly crying because she wanted me

Without trying to cause any upset, have you thought that it is YOU who is causing the distress of your child - maybe if you were less clingy with her, she would feel a little more comfortable with others. I realise that she is only 4 months old and is the most important thing in your life, but just sometimes a baby feeds of the mother's anxiousness or stress and maybe this is why she isn't comfortable with others? It happens, not just to yourself but to other mums so you are no different, its just how you manage it that may be. The folk that you may very well upset (and insult to some extent) by withdrawing any close contact with your baby are the very same people that you may have to rely on in the months and years to come. Please don't alienate them because of your own anxiety..... I will now go away and put my tin hat on. Take care

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 17/05/2022 13:37

Put her in a sling, with you wearing the sling

say she’s going through a clingy patch and only wants to be with you right now

meet up with grandparents (your ILs) separately on a quieter day so that they can have a cuddle with the baby in a quieter environment

Somethingneedstochange · 19/05/2022 13:20

Thedogshouses · 17/05/2022 09:44

You are a bit unreasonable but its OK. By the time you have your third you will lobbing them across the room to granny like a rugby ball

True story😂😂😂

loulou1966 · 21/05/2022 18:23

My daughter did this to me when her son (3rd child) was born, she favoured her boyfriends mother to the point where I barely ever held him. Now I have no emotional attachment with him whatsoever. She constantly complains that I favour the older children, who I have very close bonds with.

You are being very selfish. The baby stage is the point where those lifelong bonds are being formed between babies and their relatives. If you prevent grandpa from holding your baby, don't be upset when grandpa is not interested when your child is older and by the way, less cute. Dont forget that you will have to explain to your child why grandpa doesn't love them like he does the other kids.

Youseethethingis1 · 21/05/2022 18:46

@loulou1966 you don't deserve your grandson with a shitty attitude like that.

motogirl · 21/05/2022 18:49

Do you want a toddler whose clingy, a preschooler whose clingy??? Babies who are introduced to different situations grow up into easier children. Obviously if she's distressed you can intervene but you are prejudging the situation

NewandNotImproved · 21/05/2022 18:58

@loulou1966 that wasn’t the hot take you think it is, you just made a complete fool of yourself in that post.

Asia722 · 28/11/2022 00:34

I actually agree with you OP.
If baby is happy and content to be passed around then no problem!
but if baby is crying and upset like you described, then I think it is very selfish and disrespectful of them to insist to hold her.
I would never dream of NOT handing a crying baby back to its mother. I don’t know what is wrong with some people.

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