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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say no to people who want to hold my baby

193 replies

pearlsandpetals · 12/05/2022 17:20

Okay so hear me out first !

My baby is 4 months old and we are going through a very clingy phase where she is very attached to me and doesn't like to be held by anyone other than me or my partner and some very close family who she sees regularly. She is also a very calm baby who hates lots of stimulation and has been that way since birth.

Now we have a family event coming up and a few family members who we don't see as often will be there. One of them is my partner's dad and I know he will be wanting to hold the baby and walk around with her and generally make a big fuss of her. I know this comes from a place of good intentions but I know this will distress my baby. Last time this happened he said he would take her outside and walk around with her and this only made things worse. I don't want to put my baby in another situation like this to make her upset and distressed.

Question is am I being unreasonable as I know that these are family who just want to see my baby, and if not how do I handle it in a polite way not to offend anyone

OP posts:
GirlCrushxxx · 12/05/2022 17:45

First baby?

Vsirbdo · 12/05/2022 17:47

In my opinion it’s about whose needs this kind of thing is meeting - the example you’ve given is meeting her granddads needs over hers. My fil was like this and would feel he was helping when actually it just made it worse

MarvellousMay · 12/05/2022 17:48

YANBU to say no to everyone.
YABU to say no to your partner’s Dad and then let other people you consider ‘close’ enough.

RandomQuest · 12/05/2022 17:48

Gosh these are your child’s grandparents, not random strangers. Let them hold her, IF she cries (you don’t even know that she will) then you take her back. No need to make this such a drama. It’s generally a good idea to get babies used to other people though, it’s good for their development and it makes your life so much easier if there’s loving family happy happy to help out.

AngelinaFangelina · 12/05/2022 17:49

Greensleeves · 12/05/2022 17:36

Yes, you've already told us that. I advise you to try and get out of the mindset that every time your baby cries she is going through catastrophic trauma. She isn't. If she fusses when someone else is holding her, take her back. It doesn't mean she's feeling existential terror and will never recover. FGS this isn't some bloke off the street, it's her grandparent. If you don't unclench you are going to stop her from forming healthy, meaningful relationships with people other than you, which will be a lot worse for her than being allowed to whinge a bit.

Show quote history

This.
You need to unclench and stop overthinking about it. Tell her grandad she's a bit clingy at the moment...surely he can sit down next to you and hold her on his knee with you in sight? There's a middle ground! PFB by any chance?

mycatisannoying · 12/05/2022 17:49

YABU and extremely precious. Careful not to project your own neediness onto your baby.

Furrbabymama87 · 12/05/2022 17:50

If the kid is distressed and screaming you're only going to make that worse by not letting her get used to other people, especially her own family. The kid will grow up terrified of others.

AlasEarwacs · 12/05/2022 17:52

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

ShowOfHands · 12/05/2022 17:53

My DS was similar. He was very clingy to me.

Did I let his grandparents hold him? Of course I fucking did. I worked hard to make sure I led the way in showing him that their presence was a good thing and encouraged a bond.

BattenburgDonkey · 12/05/2022 17:54

Are you serious in that you think it's okay to let my baby be in distressed and screaming because she is scared?

Don't be so dramatic OP! You let people, and yes that includes her own grandad, hold her, and if she is ‘scared’ and crying you take her back and settle her. If you don’t let people hold her, she doesn’t get used to being held by other people. But she is your baby, she needs you back, you take her back. No drama needed here.

loobylou10 · 12/05/2022 17:57

YABVVVVU - but you clearly don't think you are so crack on however you want.

OnceuponaRainbow18 · 12/05/2022 17:57

I wouldn’t pass her around like pass the parcel, but her grandad is her grandad!

rainbowunicorn · 12/05/2022 18:00

you are being ridiculous and very unkind

savoycabbage · 12/05/2022 18:01

These 'very close family she sees regularly' that she is Ok with. Are they your family?

Hugasauras · 12/05/2022 18:03

OP will be back on here in a few years' time complaining the in-laws don't do any childcare for them.

LilacPoppy · 12/05/2022 18:03

Your baby isn’t scared , get a grip.

WarrickDavisAsPlates · 12/05/2022 18:03

OnceuponaRainbow18 · 12/05/2022 17:57

I wouldn’t pass her around like pass the parcel, but her grandad is her grandad!

It really depends on the relationship the grandparents have with the parents though doesn't it?

I've had a very clingy baby and I never gave over to people he would cry for, their desire to hold a baby doesn't override my babies desire to be with someone they're secure with.

That being said, if it was a family member I was close with and knew would have a close relationship with the baby I'd try and find ways to make it work, have baby on your lap while they fuss over her, let someone else push the pram or feed a bottle or something.

Costacoffeeplease · 12/05/2022 18:04

Of course he’s not your grandfather, but he is the baby’s grandfather.

happypineapples · 12/05/2022 18:08

SickAndTiredAgain · 12/05/2022 17:35

I think YABU to not let her grandad have a cuddle. YANBU to want her back if/when she becomes upset.

This.
I think it's unreasonable to make the assumption that she will cry. Give her the benefit of the doubt, if she cries, take her back. Simple

BowiesJumper · 12/05/2022 18:08

This is such a weird thread. Of course you should let your daughter’s grandfather hold her. How will she get to know him otherwise? If she gets too upset, take her back.

Original poster
pearlsandpetals · 12/05/2022 18:08

Thanks. I would probably say you match your own description with your very polite contribution to this thread

OP posts:
IglesiasPiggl · 12/05/2022 18:10

Babies change quickly, so you might find it isn't even an issue. As PP have said, give it a try and if it isn't working take her back. That way the grandfather has also seen she didn't like it and won't be upset at handing her back.

Original poster
pearlsandpetals · 12/05/2022 18:10

I should probably clarify that yes I would say to everyone that she doesn't like being held, not just her grandfather. She is the same with my own dad and I politely tell him she would rather you interacted with him if she was led down on her playmat instead of picking her up and he takes no offence to this.

OP posts:
Original poster
pearlsandpetals · 12/05/2022 18:11

Thanks. I wasn't aware you knew my baby better than me

OP posts:
BattenburgDonkey · 12/05/2022 18:13

pearlsandpetals · 12/05/2022 18:10

I should probably clarify that yes I would say to everyone that she doesn't like being held, not just her grandfather. She is the same with my own dad and I politely tell him she would rather you interacted with him if she was led down on her playmat instead of picking her up and he takes no offence to this.

Then this is how you do it without causing offence. It’s not an option you gave in your OP, just said she didn’t like being over stimulated and people would want to make a fuss. If she’s ok with this lay down then do that…