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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say no to people who want to hold my baby

193 replies

pearlsandpetals · 12/05/2022 17:20

Okay so hear me out first !

My baby is 4 months old and we are going through a very clingy phase where she is very attached to me and doesn't like to be held by anyone other than me or my partner and some very close family who she sees regularly. She is also a very calm baby who hates lots of stimulation and has been that way since birth.

Now we have a family event coming up and a few family members who we don't see as often will be there. One of them is my partner's dad and I know he will be wanting to hold the baby and walk around with her and generally make a big fuss of her. I know this comes from a place of good intentions but I know this will distress my baby. Last time this happened he said he would take her outside and walk around with her and this only made things worse. I don't want to put my baby in another situation like this to make her upset and distressed.

Question is am I being unreasonable as I know that these are family who just want to see my baby, and if not how do I handle it in a polite way not to offend anyone

OP posts:
Bambi7 · 12/05/2022 21:25

Ridiculous.

You have to encourage a bond between your baby and her grandparents otherwise you're doing her a disservice.

Be better OP and reflect on your anxieties. You're really overthinking things. It's pretty simple if she cries ask for her back. She will eventually get use to her grandparents but to establish a bond with him she needs to spend time with him first.

Maharajah20 · 12/05/2022 21:26

Yumyumcakes · 12/05/2022 20:36

Grandparent entitlement greatly irritates me, especially because the child will start screaming and get into a tizz and then promptly be handed back to you to calm down and then comments inevitably made about parenting.

My MIL will try and take my son off me and he just starts bawling. The child clearly isn’t comfortable, leave them be, why distress them.
they are children not show ponies, they don’t need to be taken around and ‘shown off’ for the grand parent to be centre of attention

You have a baby son. One day YOU will be the MIL. Remember this post.
Karma is a great thing.

ChiefWiggumsBoy · 12/05/2022 21:27

pearlsandpetals · 12/05/2022 18:25

Thanks. Yes last time he literally took her outside and walked down the street, she was clearly crying because she wanted me

And you did what? Presumably followed him out and took her back? Or your partner did? Or he came back and handed her back?

Babies cry. They don't have any other way to communicate. You do, and your partner - whose parent this is - also does. If you don't feel comfortable doing that, then tell your partner to tell his dad that the baby is being clingy at the moment so HE doesn't want him to take her out of your hearing. Then you can intervene early.

Your baby is never going to remember crying at 4 months old. But her grandparents will remember that you wouldn't let them hold her, and while it shouldn't, it could damage your relationship irreparably.

ButtockUp · 12/05/2022 21:31

Well, you let someone hold your baby.
If your baby kicks off , you take her back.
If your baby remains calm, leave her be.

Simple really.

Yumyumcakes · 12/05/2022 21:31

Maharajah20 · 12/05/2022 21:26

You have a baby son. One day YOU will be the MIL. Remember this post.
Karma is a great thing.

Show quote history

Yes and I will not force myself on a child.

respectfully my situation with the MIL isn’t a pleasant one, so it’s not the usual rivalry thing. So yes karma is a thing, and I will treat my DIL and SIL with respect and as I treat my own children, so please stay in your lane.

collieresponder88 · 12/05/2022 21:32

You are being very unreasonable. Your baby is the way she is because you are anxious not her. If you relax she will relax. You are the problem here

dolphinsarentcommon · 12/05/2022 21:36

Although I'm the first to defend grandparents and esp in laws on this occasion I completely agree.

Babies are not parcels to be passed around and their needs come first. Grandad can fuss her from the safety of your lap if that's ok with her. If not then he'll have to wait til she's ready.

Tilltheend99 · 12/05/2022 21:36

You are being a little U as I would let him have a hold and see how it went as baby might recognise him from last time. But I voted UANBU as it’s your baby and you know your baby best. I think everyone has a right to act PFB as you only have a newborn briefly so make the most of it.

My DD was very much like this at 4-6 months and over excited grandparents do tend to get carried away. We kept trying to explain that if we come in the house and let baby acclimatise without much stimulation for a few mins she won’t have a problem but they would often get straight in DDs face clapping and making loud baby noises which would put her on edge. It’s normal baby behaviour.

Do what you feel comfortable with and don’t worry what the internet says!

Tilltheend99 · 12/05/2022 21:41

collieresponder88 · 12/05/2022 21:32

You are being very unreasonable. Your baby is the way she is because you are anxious not her. If you relax she will relax. You are the problem here

Out of date thinking I’m afraid. Babies go through a developmental phase of separation anxiety. It is supposed to happen around 6 months but mine has hers early at 4months ish too so it’s perfectly normal.www.nhs.uk/conditions/baby/babys-development/behaviour/separation-anxiety/

Tilltheend99 · 12/05/2022 21:41

*had

Sarah13xx · 12/05/2022 21:43

I used to get myself so stressed out about this at the start, partly due to covid but partly due to the fact I’d just created this little person and didn’t actually want everyone and their auntie passing him about. Even when my partner’s parents would come, I used to be more than happy for them to get a hold but felt uncomfortable that they’d insist on staying 3-4 hours and holding him the entire time 🤦🏼‍♀️ I’d get myself so stressed out before they came saying to him that he should say after a while but he never would. It happened when he was literally days old and I was still heavily bleeding and just praying I hadn’t bled through my double layered maternity pad onto the sofa. I so wanted them to leave after an hour, then two hours, then three 🤦🏼‍♀️ But it was as if ‘they’ had this grandchild so ‘they’ were going to get their money’s worth, with no regards to how I was feeling, slowly bleeding into a puddle in the corner wishing I was in my bed 🙈 I would have been fine with that if they’d continued on this fascination with him but they literally vanished off the face of the earth for nearly 3 months as soon as he wasn’t a tiny baby anymore. They now see him for a token visit once every 6 weeks or less and I’m so glad he’s too big to be passed about like a parcel now 😂

Cluelessmouse · 12/05/2022 21:43

I think the issue is the motivation
for me I have family members that would want to hold DC but to bond with them, I would let the baby go and cry - to be fair it is important for them to bond and the baby will get over it

I have other family members who would want to hold the baby because it’s something to do and a bit of entertainment. other people will give them attention whilst they have the baby, they’ll feel important, and they’ll take loads of photos to show off with. I wouldn’t let them hold the baby, they’re not gonna bond that much with someone like that anyway, whether it’s their gp or not, so that isn’t worth upsetting DC for

so for me it would depend which category he falls into.

if you don’t want him to hold the baby get a sling, say it’s an absolute faff, and have a list of excuses - she’s due a nap/I’m just about to feed her/oh she’s just pooped so I’m going to change her nappy. You could let her go for 5mins if it’ll get him off your back, 5 mins won’t be the end of the world for her and she won’t remember or be scarred by it and then you may feel more comfortable making your excuses the rest of the night

Lipsandlashes · 12/05/2022 21:44

pearlsandpetals · 12/05/2022 17:26

Are you serious in that you think it's okay to let my baby be in distressed and screaming because she is scared? I said my partner's dad because that's what he is to me, he's not my grandfather 😂

You sound absolutely charming. This is your child’s grandfather not a stranger off the street.

AmbushedByCake · 12/05/2022 21:44

Don't really understand these responses. Most people wouldn't force a 4 year old or a 2 year old to hug someone they don't want to be hugged by. So why is it OK to take a tiny infant away from the place they feel secure for 'cuddles', the baby clearly isn't feeling cuddly if they're screaming. They won't bond well with someone who just takes them away from their safe place, they bond with people who interact with then and are patient and responsive to them.

allboysherebutme · 12/05/2022 21:47

Unreasonable. Also the more you let her go, she will stop being so clingy and realise you will still be there when she gets back. X

Merryclaire · 12/05/2022 22:01

YABU not to allow her own GF to try to have a little cuddle.
But YANBU to tell him not to carry her down the street when she’s crying, or to let all and sundry have a go at holding her.

maddiemookins16mum · 12/05/2022 22:02

Compromise.

Yumyumcakes · 12/05/2022 22:05

AmbushedByCake · 12/05/2022 21:44

Don't really understand these responses. Most people wouldn't force a 4 year old or a 2 year old to hug someone they don't want to be hugged by. So why is it OK to take a tiny infant away from the place they feel secure for 'cuddles', the baby clearly isn't feeling cuddly if they're screaming. They won't bond well with someone who just takes them away from their safe place, they bond with people who interact with then and are patient and responsive to them.

All this ^

cigarettesNalcohol · 12/05/2022 22:08

YABU and making the whole situation into something it's not. Let Grandad hold the baby. Baby might be happy and like it. If so, let things be. If baby hates it and cries, then firmly take baby off Grandad. It's really no big deal. You're over thinking this.

I generally find people don't ask to hold babies, they do get up close though. If baby is getting irritated if people in her face then just casually point out she's tired and needs some quiet cuddles with mummy.

pinkunicorns54 · 12/05/2022 22:15

💐. Your baby your decision. I would say though I have been there where I was very triggered by my baby crying - but I wanted them to be comfortable around people, so I did let people hold them. If they got too distressed I would take them back...

I had post natal anxiety...

It does get so much easier and now, I happily wave them off whilst dropping them at grandparents 🤣

bg21 · 12/05/2022 22:17

pearlsandpetals · 12/05/2022 18:10

I should probably clarify that yes I would say to everyone that she doesn't like being held, not just her grandfather. She is the same with my own dad and I politely tell him she would rather you interacted with him if she was led down on her playmat instead of picking her up and he takes no offence to this.

she told you that did she lol

sashagabadon · 12/05/2022 22:20

no one wants to hold a screaming baby. If baby starts screaming people usually can’t wait to hand them back to mum and get on with their day in peace. I wouldn’t sweat it, just see what happens

Haydugee · 12/05/2022 22:30

Just give it a try OP, if she cries ask for her back. It is important that she bonds with her grandparents.

Blossomtoes · 12/05/2022 22:35

FabulousKilljoys · 12/05/2022 20:58

It’s entirely possible that children don’t like a specific individual too. both of mine dislike my MIL

You mean their grandma?

This. And I wonder why? 🤔

Apollonia1 · 12/05/2022 22:38

I've 2-year old twins.

One has been very outgoing and sociable since birth, and loves hugging people/sitting on their knee etc.

The other twin only wanted me, and is very shy. She didn't want to sit on my siblings knees for example. So instead of grabbing her for a hug ( and upsetting her), my siblings would sit on the floor beside her, read her a book, interact with a toy, play peek-a-boo etc. So they built it up slowly. Now she's comfortable and happy with them, and goes to them for a hug.

So your partner's dad could built it up slowly too.

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