To say no to people who want to hold my baby

[pearlsandpetals]

Okay so hear me out first !

My baby is 4 months old and we are going through a very clingy phase where she is very attached to me and doesn't like to be held by anyone other than me or my partner and some very close family who she sees regularly. She is also a very calm baby who hates lots of stimulation and has been that way since birth.

Now we have a family event coming up and a few family members who we don't see as often will be there. One of them is my partner's dad and I know he will be wanting to hold the baby and walk around with her and generally make a big fuss of her. I know this comes from a place of good intentions but I know this will distress my baby. Last time this happened he said he would take her outside and walk around with her and this only made things worse. I don't want to put my baby in another situation like this to make her upset and distressed.

Question is am I being unreasonable as I know that these are family who just want to see my baby, and if not how do I handle it in a polite way not to offend anyone

Because she was neglecting my daughter that’s why, as you were wondering

Absolutely ridiculous. Never heard anything as stupid in my life.

Surely you're not intimating that it's because the other family are the "in laws" that OP is unhappy for them to hold the baby?

Imagine, a fathers family being second best.

I'm not the overly protective type but I wouldn't let him walk down the street with her like he did before, but if he stayed within sight and didn't walk around I would be okay with it. I let everyone hold my DD when she was that age but they were all either sitting down or just standing, not strolling around with her.

OP comes across as quite unpleasant in her responses, which makes me think in all probability the problem is with her.

Just don’t go to the party - too much when they are so little. Build up her confidence with her wider family in a less overwhelming environment and then in a few months, she’ll be more likely to cope with family gatherings and the attention she’ll inevitably attract.

Blimey, OP, your post has really brought the worst side of MN out! I hope you're ignoring the ridiculously rude responses. There's a great lack of empathy in many of these replies. Unfortunately, MN tends to be pro pass the baby, and pro grandparent's wants over the baby's needs. My guess is it's a generational thing as the only people I've met who are like this in real life are older, although I do know very understanding older people too, so maybe it's just some people are... odd. 😅

My thoughts on your situation are, no you are not being unreasonable to say no to people who want to hold your baby.

Your baby is perfectly capable of bonding with people without being held by them. (How some PPs think this isn't possible is staggeringly bizarre.)

It's not true that saying no to people now will make her more clingy.

She will not 'grow up terrified of others'.

And most importantly, her clinginess just now is not because of you. You are not the problem.

With all my DC we were happy with all grandparents holding them as babies. DH's parents live abroad, but we made a point of doing lots of video calls with them so the kids got use to them. Maybe something you could do with the Grandad?

However, we only let other people (friends, great-aunties etc) hold DC once DC were old enough to show that they wanted to go to them (so... once they were about 6/7 months, if I remember correctly). All DC had clingy stages (as most babies do) and they all became more confident in their own time.

My suggestion is that Grandad shows he isn't scary by playing with your daughter however she's happy with in the moment. Smiles, songs, being silly etc. but not over the top if your daughter isn't keen on lots of stimulation. Even just sitting a bit away and interacting a little then continuing to talk to everyone else, so it's not too much interaction at first. If things are going well you could try him holding her, but say to him before that if she gets upset he's to hand her back. Some babies do get distracted by going outside or walking around, so I imagine the time before he was only trying to help her calm down. If, however, he wants to hold her and you don't want him to you can say 'We'd rather you didn't hold her just yet, as we don't think she's ready right now,' then suggest something he can do just now like read her a book. If he, or anyone else pushes you on the subject, you can say 'We're doing what we think is right for our daughter,' and, if need be, leave it at that and go talk to other people at the family event.

You sound like a great Mum, who is really thinking about what's best for your daughter. I hope it goes well for you. 💐😊

Wrong. Mumsnet is full of people with common sense. Just because we disagree with the OP doesn't make us wrong.

Isn't that the MN rule, her in laws are evil, his in laws are saintly?

I just went through this with my current baby, although she is 8 months and largely over it. I'd let them try and if she started to cry they would happily give her back. I actually appreciated those that would at least attempt to soothe her so I could eat or have a cuppa. I wouldn't let thos be rhe hill you die on. Let them have a cuddle, when she cries they will either pass her back or you step in. Of course you could choose not to go.

You really don't like honest opinions do you?

Let grandad hold his granddaughter on the understanding if she gets upset, he gives her back. Easy

What are you even here asking this question if you don't want responses. It's your baby do what you want. But also it's absolutely true that you need your baby to get used to people so if you carry on being so PFB, you're not doing her any favours.

No wonder she’s clingy if you won’t let anyone else hold her. You are being ridiculous OP.

Then why bloody ask?

Did you just want a fight?

Based on your continuous responses @pearlsandpetals I have no idea what you want from this thread.
Were you expecting everyone to validate your completely unreasonable behaviour?
You are unwilling to accept anyone else's opinion or that you might need to be open to trying or flexible to allowing the baby's Grandfather hold his grandchild.
What a lucky baby to have people who love her and are proud of her.
If no one holds the baby she will never get used to anyone.
You are being a PFB Mother and you really need to chill

DH has always worked away and when DC were younger they would get upset when he came home and picked them up.

So we worked on it, he held them, if they were hysterical I would calm them down and pass back again.

Under your suggestion and some others I would never have handed them over and he would never have built a relationship with his children.

I had a clingy one. He was always fine if I stood or sat next to the person holding him, or down on the floor playing. Also important, feel and be cheerful in handing her over, she'll pick up on you panicking.

I'd just have a chat with grandad about it in advance, let him know she's super fussy but you want him to be able to hold her so you need to get some time in for her to get used to him. Is there any way that you or they could come to stay for a week before the event? That would be ideal to build up a genuine bond that he can then show off to everyone. Basically, telling grandparents what they can or can't do in front of a gathering isn't kind nor useful, you have lots of other time to chat with them and make arrangements that will work.

You've probably already created a major issue. I could literally hand my babies to anyone - brilliant as I got a rest and they got to meet people and have fun!

You've created a nervous, anxious baby and sadly this will continue if you don't do something now to change it!

YABU.
Every single baby goes through this phase. If you only let the people she's clingy to go near her, she'll stay clingy.
Her grandad should be allowed to cuddle her and it's for your baby's own good that she's exposed to other people.

You are absolutely not being unreasonable. As a parent you know your baby better than anyone else. There is no reason anyone has to hold your child other than you and your partner if you don't want them too. Distressing your baby so that a grandparent or anyone else doesn't get their feeling hurt is not ok. They are grown adults, they will get over it. We found that carrying our babies in a sling or carrier is an easy way to show others that we're not "passing" our baby around.

How? How is this unreasonable? PearlsandPetals NO, you're not being unreasonable. In today's world and in a world wide pandemic... No.
You absolutely have ever right to tell every single person in both sides of the family they can see the baby fine from your care, or your husbands. My children were taught they don't have to share toys with anyone, nor did they have to hug, kiss, or other anyone they didn't want to. Until your baby can say yes or no for themselves you both have every right to make that choice for them. All babies go thru super attachments to a specific person, right at the same time they don't want to go to people they don't know. Forcing the baby to go to someone when the baby will only scream and be afraid makes them insecure and in need of more attention from Mom and Dad for months more than it normally would. Just like you can't pick baby up too much. My kids were raised to be secure and feel safe. That lead to them wanting to be down so they could run and play instead of always being picked up from fussing all the time. Raise your baby so they know they are secure and safe with you so they grow up to be self reliant individuals.

But if he is never allowed to hold her, how will she get close to him, OP?

I get your anxiety as I was the same but it is good for them to get used to being held by others, especially Grandparents but it’s also OK for you to take them back if they’re getting upset and whoever is holding the baby is unable to settle them. I remember our first big family gathering when my baby was 3 months. I found it hard but on reflection I probably shouldn’t have worried so much about my baby. It’s easier said than done though. And at the end of the day it is your baby!

I’m in the middle on this. My second was more of a limpet baby and would have hated being passed around - often hated her dad at that age let alone people she wasn’t familiar with. But, it will do you all good if you can get her to get used to grandparents. We used to do things quite slowly though so spending time sitting next to and interacting before passing her over etc. At 3 she’s much more clingy than my other child ever was. Hard to know whether nature or nurture but it can be very frustrating.

It’s not the baby’s needs v grandparents needs though is it?
baby wants to held by mum 24/7, baby doesn’t need to be held by mum 24/7. Big difference.

There are loving family members on hand who want to hold her. Baby will not be scared or terrified. Baby might cry the first few times, so? Babies cry 🤷‍♀️ Doesn’t mean they are gong through some terrible trauma. If she keeps crying he will just give her back to you! No one wants to hold a screaming baby, that ain’t fun for anyone.

youll not always want to be glued to your child Op, don’t alienate all your family now otherwise you’ll never get a babysitter for when you fancy a night out later down the line (which you will!)

So yeah in short YABVU and Very PFB