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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say no to people who want to hold my baby

193 replies

pearlsandpetals · 12/05/2022 17:20

Okay so hear me out first !

My baby is 4 months old and we are going through a very clingy phase where she is very attached to me and doesn't like to be held by anyone other than me or my partner and some very close family who she sees regularly. She is also a very calm baby who hates lots of stimulation and has been that way since birth.

Now we have a family event coming up and a few family members who we don't see as often will be there. One of them is my partner's dad and I know he will be wanting to hold the baby and walk around with her and generally make a big fuss of her. I know this comes from a place of good intentions but I know this will distress my baby. Last time this happened he said he would take her outside and walk around with her and this only made things worse. I don't want to put my baby in another situation like this to make her upset and distressed.

Question is am I being unreasonable as I know that these are family who just want to see my baby, and if not how do I handle it in a polite way not to offend anyone

OP posts:
Original poster
pearlsandpetals · 12/05/2022 18:13

Yes and my mother in law thank you very much.

OP posts:
Greensleeves · 12/05/2022 18:14

pearlsandpetals · 12/05/2022 18:11

Thanks. I wasn't aware you knew my baby better than me

Your snippy and self-righteous responses aren't showing you in a good light, OP.

Why did you post? Did you genuinely want to know whether you were being unreasonable or not? Because it doesn't appear that you are at all interested in what others have to say. You clearly think you are in the right. Confused

FabulousKilljoys · 12/05/2022 18:15

Good grief. You do realise the majority of babies go through this and they get over it by being held by other people, right?

And why so snotty with people? You asked for opinions and you got them. Just because they're not saying what you want to hear there's no need for the crappy attitude.

ShirleyPhallus · 12/05/2022 18:16

Oh dear OP, we have all had PFB syndrome and then felt a bit silly years later. I think this will be your moment

Original poster
pearlsandpetals · 12/05/2022 18:17

To be honest I was expecting these kinds of responses. It appears the vast majority of people on Mumsnet very much like to get a reaction whilst hiding behind their computer screens

OP posts:
Wetblanket78 · 12/05/2022 18:18

YUABU They all go through a clingy stage she might get upset then silly grandad will do something to make her laugh and she'll totally forget about it. Take some toys to destract her. They want to be part of her life and for her to love them as much they love her. She will never get past this if you keep pandering to her.

KevinTheKoala · 12/05/2022 18:18

My FIL used to literally walk away from me/physically turn to try and stop me taking my DD back when she was screaming her head off as a baby. She was breastfed, I could tell him she was hungry, one time I actually leaked and had a wet patch on my top and he still wouldn't care... The thought of it now still makes me feel a bit angry and panicky tbh so I might be very biased but no I don't think yabu to say no lots of people holding her. However, he is the babies granddad and so he should get a hold but if he tries to walk off with her then you take her back!

BattenburgDonkey · 12/05/2022 18:19

pearlsandpetals · 12/05/2022 18:17

To be honest I was expecting these kinds of responses. It appears the vast majority of people on Mumsnet very much like to get a reaction whilst hiding behind their computer screens

Then why post?

OP: AIBU?
other posters: yes
OP: snipe snipe no im not, mumsnet is full of idiots

why bother?

AngelinaFangelina · 12/05/2022 18:19

Can you just explain to him then and give him some options? Take a playmat along, let him sit next to you while she sits on his knee? You can't expect her to not be clingy without giving her the opportunity to learn!

AlasEarwacs · 12/05/2022 18:20

@Hugasauras yes!! It's always the way!

FabulousKilljoys · 12/05/2022 18:20

pearlsandpetals · 12/05/2022 18:17

To be honest I was expecting these kinds of responses. It appears the vast majority of people on Mumsnet very much like to get a reaction whilst hiding behind their computer screens

???

So just like you're doing then..

BurbageBrook · 12/05/2022 18:21

Surprised with these responses. No wonder you don’t want to let him hold her when he refuses to give her back when she cries!

ChiefWiggumsBoy · 12/05/2022 18:25

So the two options are grandad takes child away into the garden and screams because she’s scared, or you don’t let anyone else hold her?

Are you not able to have a conversation where you ask him to not go too far because she tends to get upset if you’re not in sight?

Seriously you’re being really precious. And unfair IMO. If she cries, take her back.

Original poster
pearlsandpetals · 12/05/2022 18:25

Thanks. Yes last time he literally took her outside and walked down the street, she was clearly crying because she wanted me

OP posts:
jackstini · 12/05/2022 18:26

I get that you are anxious about this OP and ideally you wanted some back up

However, she's 4 months old - how long are you going to keep her from being held by others? She needs to get used to it and you are prolonging the issue which will make it harder for her

Let her family have a cuddle and if she screams her head off they can pass her back if it goes on for more than a couple of minutes

DonnyBurrito · 12/05/2022 18:26

I love how people are saying it's a phase, but also implying that the baby will only grow out of it if she is forced to 'get used to' other people (by letting her scream in their arms 🙄). That's not how phases work.

Although I do think you should at least try. She wouldn't even be here if it wasn't for her granddad... It's unkind to not even give it a try.

I would just do my best to make the cuddle go well. Get her settled in with you holding her for a while until she seems relaxed and ideally has some eye contact/smiles with granddad, etc. Take a favourite toy, make sure she's had a feed and a good nap beforehand. And then let him attempt a cuddle with her. That's all you can do. Set her up for success, she might surprise you. If not, no harm, just take her back and say hopefully next time she'll have grown out of it!

Nobody really wants to cling onto someone else's screaming baby anyway, especially not men.

jackstini · 12/05/2022 18:29

pearlsandpetals · 12/05/2022 18:25

Thanks. Yes last time he literally took her outside and walked down the street, she was clearly crying because she wanted me

Not necessarily

She may have been crying just because it's something new, and might have stopped

Are you bf-ing? Mine would cry sometimes if they could smell me nearby, but if I went in the next room they would be fine within less than a minute

Fupoffyagrasshole · 12/05/2022 18:31

You are being ridiculous- Surely if the baby was distressed they would just hand her back!! 🤷‍♀️

AngelinaFangelina · 12/05/2022 18:32

DonnyBurrito · 12/05/2022 18:26

I love how people are saying it's a phase, but also implying that the baby will only grow out of it if she is forced to 'get used to' other people (by letting her scream in their arms 🙄). That's not how phases work.

Although I do think you should at least try. She wouldn't even be here if it wasn't for her granddad... It's unkind to not even give it a try.

I would just do my best to make the cuddle go well. Get her settled in with you holding her for a while until she seems relaxed and ideally has some eye contact/smiles with granddad, etc. Take a favourite toy, make sure she's had a feed and a good nap beforehand. And then let him attempt a cuddle with her. That's all you can do. Set her up for success, she might surprise you. If not, no harm, just take her back and say hopefully next time she'll have grown out of it!

Nobody really wants to cling onto someone else's screaming baby anyway, especially not men.

Exactly! Surely there is a compromise here, take a playmat, toys, let him hold her for a short while then back to you while she is calm so she knows it's OK and she will go back to you without crying anyway. It's all a life lesson, even at her tiny age. If you sat and explained to her grandad and gave him the chance to help her feel more comfortable surely this would make him feel involved.

vodkaredbullgirl · 12/05/2022 18:33

Hmm just ask for her back when she cries.

PrettyMaybug · 12/05/2022 18:42

@pearlsandpetals

YANBU in my opinion, and I don't 'get' the poll result and responses. You have every right to refuse to let people hold your baby, and you don't have to explain why. No-one has an entitlement to hold your baby. Just say 'no, not just now, because baby is stressy and clingy, and hates being held by anyone but me.' Anyone who moans about it can fuck off.

Georgyporky · 12/05/2022 18:46

DC needs to get used to other people , especially really close relatives like grandparents - whatever you choose to call them.

AllThingsServeTheBeam · 12/05/2022 18:47

pearlsandpetals · 12/05/2022 18:17

To be honest I was expecting these kinds of responses. It appears the vast majority of people on Mumsnet very much like to get a reaction whilst hiding behind their computer screens

Why bother posting then?

SexyLittleNosferatu · 12/05/2022 18:48

pearlsandpetals · 12/05/2022 18:17

To be honest I was expecting these kinds of responses. It appears the vast majority of people on Mumsnet very much like to get a reaction whilst hiding behind their computer screens

Get a grip of yourself. Nobody has been anything other than straight with you and you're now having a little strop.

Greensleeves · 12/05/2022 18:49

AllThingsServeTheBeam · 12/05/2022 18:47

Why bother posting then?

Show quote history

I'm still waiting for @pearlsandpetals to pop round and deliver me a response in person, since she's so fervently opposed to hiding behind computer screens Grin

I love threads like these, they always go the same way:

  1. OP asks "AIBU"
  2. they clearly are
  3. self-righteous meltdown and we're all beastly meanies