MIL and husband laughing at my weight

[LilacRose30]

For a bit of background - before I had children I was a size 10. After children, I’m a size 14 and I have my wobbly bits and my main exercise is walking, where I do around 15k steps a day. My MIL has known me since I was a size 10, and my husband married me when I was skinny.

My husband never says anything about my weight and sex life is fine. However, when he’s around his mum he seems to think it’s fine to have a giggle when she makes comments directed at me. A few weeks ago, my husband mentioned MILs scales were broken and MiL said “obviously something heavier than 12 stone has been bouncing on them” and I saw her side eye me. Husband giggled but I said nothing. Tonight, my dog was behind the couch and I bent down to get him and I heard her say to him “you don’t get many of those to the pound” and another comment I couldn’t hear. I walked out and said to my husband that I feel hurt that he could ridicule my weight. His response - “you’re being childish. It was a joke.” I walked off upstairs and he said “come on, you’re being silly. It was a fucking joke”. For me, it’s not. He knows I had nearly suffered with an eating disorder when I was younger (we were together - I was so scared about getting fat).

I just feel hurt that he thinks it’s OK to make these jests at me and that it’s me being ridiculous. He didn’t stand up for me at all and I think the fact that he laughed made me wonder what he actually thinks of me.

to be honest, I’m just really upset that he just laughed. If someone said that my husband was fat or skinny or whatever, I would stand up for him.

Am I being dramatic? I’m not a confrontational person so feel like I couldn’t say anything to my MIL, especially as she’s staying with us for a while.

sorry for the rant, but crying and wanting to vent.

His response - “you’re being childish. It was a joke.” I walked off upstairs and he said “come on, you’re being silly. It was a fucking joke”. For me, it’s not.

a joke is where two people laugh, not one person laughing at the other person’s expense & hurt them

(lots of “love you lots” to the older bro but whenever DH ends a call and says “love you mum” she just says “bye”).

I imagine you didn't flag this up to him to save his feelings but now is the time and it's why he 'worship's' her - he's trying to win her over at your expense.

But does she live with you - so many posts about toxic people - just avoid them. Even if it offends some people. You;ve a right to associate with who you want to.

(lots of “love you lots” to the older bro but whenever DH ends a call and says “love you mum” she just says “bye”).
I imagine you didn't flag this up to him to save his feelings but now is the time and it's why he 'worship's' her - he's trying to win her over at your expense.

Actualy it could also be why she is rude and dismisses of you - if she doesn't respect her DS why would she respect his choice of wife.

WTF! this has made me so angry! No you SHOULD NOT have to explain how hurt this makes you feel. It is never ok to make nasty comments about someone's weight, ever. What kind of example is this setting to the DCs?!

It's not about you finding it funny or not!! You don't need to explain - what they are doing is wrong, whatever the other person thinks.

OP honestly, is this the kind of man you want to be with? After you struggled with an eating disorder as well. Nasty, vindictive people.

I dunno - food? It's quite possible to be a size 14 or larger while eating healthily and doing lots of exercise.

YANBU - Who are the 2% who voted otherwise?!

Your husband and MIL are arseholes.

Wow, what a bitch she is! But worse, your husband is a real scumbag! I hope you stand firm. Seriously, WHY is she staying with you? If I were you I would order her to leave immediately as she is not only `upsetting you, she is upsetting your daughter and making her worry about getting fat. And, I would tell your husband that she is not staying ever again, and you also think she is dangerous for your DD and will make her have an eating disorder as she is already worried about getting fat and that should ring alarm bells to him as her father. She's only 6 years old! I would tell him she is a harmful and toxic influence to your daughter and you don't want her around you or your daughter. He is a real nasty bastard isn't he. And yes, I would definitely LTB over this. Because it has everything from disrespect of you to disloyalty to you.

He needs to work out who he least wants to upset. His mother that won't even say I love you to him but does to his brother, or his wife and mother of his children who he has to live with every day. He needs to work out who he least wants to upset.

That's horrible OP, my mil used to tell me "he loved me first and will always love me more" or some shit like that and I said it in front of a room of people what she says in a "jokey" way, she was mortified and never said it again cos so many people commented. She's not a nasty woman though, just takes it too far sometimes.

Tell her to stop or get out of your house, if DP wont stick up for you, you need to do it. If you feel unable invite your sil and a friend around and have them prepped, say what MIL keeps saying in front of MIL and DP and let them tell them how wrong it is.

It’s just generational differences - older people think nothing of mentioning weight gain or making jokes of it. You can say that’s a bad thing if you want - but they didn’t have our obesity rates so maybe it works.

I take it your sil is also married into the family. Do you get on with her? Perhaps she could be an ally and give you some tips. Good luck with today.

Nonsense. OP hasn't mentioned Mil's age, she could be anything from 50 to 90.
I am at one end of that and my DM was at the other - neither of us would ever mention someone's weight in a negative way.
Diets (and the diet industry) have been around for a long time, possibly contributing to obesity levels today actually.

OP I'm in awe of your step count!

"One more rude comment from you & you are out of my house"
Also dont let her be around your daughter.
Your husband can go & stay at her house, if he must pander for affection at your expense.

You clearly have a DH problem, he needs to stand up for you, what you choose to do if he doesn't is up to you, but I don't think I could stay with a man who ridicules me and doesn't stand up for me.

However either way you need to stand up for yourself, don't be afraid to make things awkward. Questions are good for this, things like "why would you say such hurtful things?", "did you mean to be so rude?", "how is that funny? can you explain please?", "I don't get it, do you think it is funny to insult people?".

No its not "just" generational differences, it is rude and nasty however old you are. Its very ageist to judge older people by lower standards, they are old not stupid.

I'm in Ireland and growing up it was rare to see anyone of any other colour than white. As a result older people can use terminology that is so wrong about people of colour, should we just accept that as a "generational difference" and let it slide or educate and correct them?

I'd throw insults back at them. Comments on her age, her wrinkled skin, her hair, clothes etc. Then he'd get small dick jokes, lack of performance in bed, not aging as well as pierce brosnan etc.

If they get upset, say its just a fucking joke, have a laugh, stop being grumpy twats.

She and he are both assholes though. Sorry you married him op.

Next time, just say "I can't believe this has happened anyway... The reason I didn't become a gynaecologist is because I didn't want to be around a load of cunts!"

I'd show her the door first, then get him to follow. They both sound like very nasty people.

This really is total nonsense. Maybe the older people you know are just raging arseholes?

My grandmother would have made comments about someone's weight, but not in the majority of situations because it was considered rude. She was a bully and she would do it to her targets in family situations.

YANBU and you have my sympathy because I have a MIL who makes snide comments about my weight and fitness every time she sees me.

Both are completely out of order

My mother constantly made comments like this because she had an eating disorder and was determined to give me one too. (I think it sort of worked…) The moment she mentioned weight to my kids, I lost it. No one messes with their vulnerable souls. She was hit with nearly 40 years of resentment and frustration about it and was so shocked she never did it again. (If you knew her, that was a miracle!)
I think you need to let go of any idea that he’s going to defend you. It’s not going to happen. You have to stand up to them yourself. If you don’t, you’re letting them know that they are going to get away with it.

Size 14 isn't particularly big anyway. I'm a 14 and look nice in most things. As long as you're healthy that's the main thing. It's a shame you can't say, "I'll be slim in time but you'll never be beautiful".

It works in destroying someone's self esteem, how is that pleasant or helpful?

Generational differences, what a load of nonsense.

OP,

So sorry you are upset, but rightly so.

I think the first thing you need to do is reframe your thinking.

Your MIL is a nasty bully and your husband is her side kick.

I feel very sorry for you, but even more so for your children.

Listening to this awful woman be unkind to their mother and their father defend it.

Your daughter is already responding with weight problems.

Your husband is not a good husband, father are man.

Nasty, abusive men always tell their victims they are "too sensitive" "too emotional"......victim blaming.

Unfortunately we teach people how to us and over the years your tolerance for your MIL's nastiness and your husband agreement with her has taught them that you and your feelings don't count.

Your children are also victims here too, having to listen to this.

Do you want your daughter growing up thinking that this behaviour is normal?

Because its NOT normal.

I wouldn't want him in my bed, my home, my life.

I really hope the support you have received on here has made you realise that the nasty little bully you married isn't worth your tears.

You need to protect yourself and your children from these two people who really think they are entitled to be nasty to you in your own home.

Your husband is so concerned about his mother?

I would tell him you want them both to leave as you want space to think.

Now that you have realised just how nasty he is, you need space.

You really need to find your backbone and show him that your love has limits and he is just reached it.

Telling him you feel differently about him and you realise that your marriage isn't happy and you need space.

You work 2 jobs and do everything?
So he's a lazy waster as well?

You sound so lovely, you deserve so much better.