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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL and husband laughing at my weight

235 replies

LilacRose30 · 11/05/2022 19:37

For a bit of background - before I had children I was a size 10. After children, I’m a size 14 and I have my wobbly bits and my main exercise is walking, where I do around 15k steps a day. My MIL has known me since I was a size 10, and my husband married me when I was skinny.

My husband never says anything about my weight and sex life is fine. However, when he’s around his mum he seems to think it’s fine to have a giggle when she makes comments directed at me. A few weeks ago, my husband mentioned MILs scales were broken and MiL said “obviously something heavier than 12 stone has been bouncing on them” and I saw her side eye me. Husband giggled but I said nothing. Tonight, my dog was behind the couch and I bent down to get him and I heard her say to him “you don’t get many of those to the pound” and another comment I couldn’t hear. I walked out and said to my husband that I feel hurt that he could ridicule my weight. His response - “you’re being childish. It was a joke.” I walked off upstairs and he said “come on, you’re being silly. It was a fucking joke”. For me, it’s not. He knows I had nearly suffered with an eating disorder when I was younger (we were together - I was so scared about getting fat).

I just feel hurt that he thinks it’s OK to make these jests at me and that it’s me being ridiculous. He didn’t stand up for me at all and I think the fact that he laughed made me wonder what he actually thinks of me.

to be honest, I’m just really upset that he just laughed. If someone said that my husband was fat or skinny or whatever, I would stand up for him.

Am I being dramatic? I’m not a confrontational person so feel like I couldn’t say anything to my MIL, especially as she’s staying with us for a while.

sorry for the rant, but crying and wanting to vent.

OP posts:
ASimpleLampoon · 11/05/2022 22:12

next time make jokes about his tiny knob. Ask MIL if it's actually grown since he was a toddler.

Also tell MIL you could lose weight but it would take plastic surgery to stop her from being an ugly cunt.

That should shut them both up.

DonnyBurrito · 11/05/2022 22:13

What the fuck! God, the amount of shit we have to put up with because some people are 'family'.

Get angry, OP.

I wouldn't even let her back in my home, the only reason I would consider it would be to put her in her place and give her some shit. If/when it happens again, your response needs to be along the lines of - "Excuse me!? How dare you talk about my body. Get out of my house now, you haggard old witch!" etc etc... then pour yourself a big glass of wine and smile to yourself knowing you stood up to a bully. Your husband will probably be going ape shit. Perfect opportunity to tell him to get the fuck out of your house, too.

Makingsuresheissafe · 11/05/2022 22:14

I'd have opened the front door and told them both to leave.
Nasty cow and weak bastard.

NellesVilla · 11/05/2022 22:16

What a pair of cunts, OP! Please ignore them and look after yourself. If you feel it’s necessary, the next time they insult you, say “well, if we’re discussing our faults, I have compiled a list…”

WafflesOrIceCream · 11/05/2022 22:18

Vile MIL!!Tell him to grow a pair and stand up for you!Also,no action in the bedroom for him!!!Next time your MIL makes a comment,tell her to act her age as she isn't in the playground!

thequeenoftarts · 11/05/2022 22:20

Ohhh since we are talking sizes, lets talk penis size, your not exactly blessed in that area are you darling..Bit small, wonder is there any exercises you can do to big it up?

Oh MIL that dress would look so much better on someone slimmer...Shame it rides on your fat curves

Fuck you both you ignorant bastards, talk about me, its fair game to comment back

Original poster
LilacRose30 · 11/05/2022 22:22

CantGetDecentNickname · 11/05/2022 22:03

Well done OP for putting him on the couch. Sounds like he gets away with never apologizing and may be there until she leaves (don't back down, he needs to know that you mean it). If it gets to near the end of her stay and he hasn't apologised or stood up for you at all, do please start packing him a bag. You may have to follow through.

Your comment "It’s how she is but I notice she doesn’t do it to my SIL who can be fiery." stuck in my mind. It may help to act a part being a bit more fiery like your SIL even if it is out of character for you if being strongly challenged in blunt terms is what it takes to get the bullying MIL to back down.

Comments such as "that's a very nasty bullying thing to say" followed by "Bullies always pretend it's a joke, but for it to be one, everyone has to find it funny" along with, "I'm going to tell some rude jokes about DH's tiny dick now, I'm sure you'll find them hilarious". In all seriousness, I'd tell her that until she stops bullying you in front of your children and giving them her warped views on criticizing others on their size, you will be protecting them from her since her behaviour is damaging and toxic and it is your role as parent to protect them. You can then ask her to leave as you should never insult your host and tell her she won't be returning. He can go with her.

Please try not to cry, no-one has a right to make you feel that bad in your own home and she may feel that she has "won" in some warped way. Neither of them are worth crying over.

Good luck

Thank you, I definitely will try and follow your advice. We’ve been married 12 years and never had an argument like this one. I just wish he could see how his mum constantly plays the victim and is much more wily than she lets on, but he just falls for it, hook, line and sinker. Thank you x

OP posts:
SlatsandFlaps · 11/05/2022 22:26

LTB

Thinkingblonde · 11/05/2022 22:28

Size 14 isn’t fat.
As for the “It’s only a joke” comments…Tell them it’s a joke only when everyone is laughing. And you’re not laughing.
Pull them up on it every time. Don’t worry about upsetting MIL, she clearly has no qualms about upsetting you.

Im glad you told her stop it with the comments to your daughter.
Now draw on that inner strength when you defended your child and use it to defend yourself.

Fraaahnces · 11/05/2022 22:28

I’d tell him that for every comment ridiculing you about your weight, he was going to enjoy one about his penis size. See how he likes it…

MrsCBY · 11/05/2022 22:29

What she’s doing when she makes these “jokes”, apart from showing she’s a nasty bully who wouldn’t be out of place in a Catherine Tate sketch, is demanding that your H demonstrates that his first loyalty is to her, not you.

And he’s complying and doing exactly that when he laughs along and tells you you’re “too emotional” and all the other gaslighting bullshit he comes out with.

Good for you for standing up to him. If he’s always going to put her ahead of you, he’s a useless specimen of a husband anyway. Hopefully this will be the wake up call he needs to get his priorities straight.

Arseholes, the pair of them.

mathanxiety · 11/05/2022 22:31

Your H is a dick. A very limp one.

Your MIL is a bitch.

Tell your H he has to choose you or her. There can be no middle ground here when it comes to the 'jokes', whether they're about your weight or any other personal topic your MIL decides to exercise her wit on.

Either he stops joining in the bullying or he moves back in with his mummy.

Ihatethenewlook · 11/05/2022 22:32

I can’t believe she’s still in your house op. Get her out!!

SlatsandFlaps · 11/05/2022 22:33

LilacRose30 · 11/05/2022 21:48

I’ve told my husband that he can leaves when she does, as obviously he thinks she’s done nothing wrong with what she says and her “ jokes”. I’m really hurt and I know that I need to stand up for myself - thank you for all of your comments. I do appreciate it and it’s made me question a lot. I want to protect my children and I know it starts with me standing up for myself and them. My husband is usually very sweet and loving and he really is a wonderful dad. He admits he feels sorry for his mum as she’s a widow but I can see how she plays people off against each other and always, always plays the victim. I was dreading her to come and stay and this is why, but DH thinks she’s lonely and has a heart of gold - how do you teach a man that he’s delusional about his mother?! I’ve made it very clear now, he either admits it was out of order and apologises and addresses it, or he’s going as well. He’s on the couch tonight. You’d think the threat of divorce would make him come grovelling?

Do you really want a false, faked apply though?

Original poster
LilacRose30 · 11/05/2022 22:35

MrsCBY · 11/05/2022 22:29

What she’s doing when she makes these “jokes”, apart from showing she’s a nasty bully who wouldn’t be out of place in a Catherine Tate sketch, is demanding that your H demonstrates that his first loyalty is to her, not you.

And he’s complying and doing exactly that when he laughs along and tells you you’re “too emotional” and all the other gaslighting bullshit he comes out with.

Good for you for standing up to him. If he’s always going to put her ahead of you, he’s a useless specimen of a husband anyway. Hopefully this will be the wake up call he needs to get his priorities straight.

Arseholes, the pair of them.

To be honest, I think he always would put her first. He’s the youngest and she panders to the older brother (lots of “love you lots” to the older bro but whenever DH ends a call and says “love you mum” she just says “bye”). It’s given me a lot to think about for sure. I’m not sure if he’s staying downstairs tonight because he is listening to my demand for him to, or because he thinks there was nothing to apologise for.

for me, if he has just turned to his mum to begin with and said “yeah, that’s not funny” then end of story. But to keep on defending it has just pushed this further and further. He did stand up for me recently with her when we went to a big event and the only thing she said to me was “you have too much blusher on”. That’s it. Nothing about my hair or dress or anything. DH said “mum! You don’t say that! She’s been worried about her make up, say something nice” and even she was caught off guard.

OP posts:
NamechangeFML · 11/05/2022 22:35

Poor you putting up with 12 years of them!
well done in getting him told!
his mum obviously manipulates him well.
id crack up if anyone said anything to or about weight to my DCs.
go nuclear: tell him hes got a tiny or worse , distinctly average cock. Youll never hear the end of his shock and surprise!!
and MIL , same. " oh is that so ? I didnt realise i was sitting next to kate fucking moss here: more like pat butcher"
dont get mad get even
and good luck on your healthy journey.
abs are made in the kitchen, remember! Get the slow cooker on and start taking care of yourself OP. Follow some threads on here for support.
but for your HEALTH not because you meed to be a socially accepted weight bollocks.
:)

Original poster
LilacRose30 · 11/05/2022 22:38

SlatsandFlaps · 11/05/2022 22:33

Do you really want a false, faked apply though?

Show quote history

No, definitely not. I just want him to be honest and tell his mum to back off and leave me alone. That her little jokes aren’t funny but are very hurtful and have ruined our evening. I want a sincere apology now, from both of them. I’ll definitely tell her what I thought of her jokes when I see her tomorrow.

OP posts:
Furryfeet · 11/05/2022 22:40

Cowardly behaviour from DH and MIL. No respect for basic personal boundaries and decent standards of behaviour. These ‘jokes’ show no sense of humour

Minimalme · 11/05/2022 22:40

Look MiL directly in the eye and tell her that if she makes one more comment, she will be thrown out.

My own Mum used to make shitty, demeaning comments about me all the time and I always thought I couldn't do anything about it.

And one day I just found my voice, told her I'd had enough and would never see her again for as long as we both lived.

It has been very liberating!

Original poster
LilacRose30 · 11/05/2022 22:41

NamechangeFML · 11/05/2022 22:35

Poor you putting up with 12 years of them!
well done in getting him told!
his mum obviously manipulates him well.
id crack up if anyone said anything to or about weight to my DCs.
go nuclear: tell him hes got a tiny or worse , distinctly average cock. Youll never hear the end of his shock and surprise!!
and MIL , same. " oh is that so ? I didnt realise i was sitting next to kate fucking moss here: more like pat butcher"
dont get mad get even
and good luck on your healthy journey.
abs are made in the kitchen, remember! Get the slow cooker on and start taking care of yourself OP. Follow some threads on here for support.
but for your HEALTH not because you meed to be a socially accepted weight bollocks.
:)

Thank you - I really appreciate all the comments here. Makes me feel like I wasn’t throwing my dummy out for no reason! I’ve seen about the penis sizes - I would say it was small but to be honest, he’s hiding a curtain pole in his trousers!

OP posts:
stayathomer · 11/05/2022 22:41

Mil: makes jokes
You: have I ever made a joke about your weight? Why would you do it to me so?

Then continue on about your day, no argument, no drama, just treat her like the child that she is. I don't generally say ltb or anything, and I'm not here, but I'm LIVID that your dh knows you had food issues and giggled along then cursed at you like it was you being the problem.

stayathomer · 11/05/2022 22:42

(Sorry hadn't rtft, have now!!)

Blarting · 11/05/2022 22:44

Pair of cunts! Sorry OP.

Flowers
SeedyBloomer · 11/05/2022 22:45

She’s a rude bitch and she needs telling straight. Something like, “I’m really sick of excusing your rudeness. Keep your unpleasant little comments to yourself.”

NewandNotImproved · 11/05/2022 22:48

Your shitty husband and his vile mother can fuck off. He can be a ‘great dad’ (🥴) and not burden you with his presence. Hope he’s had a vasectomy, to prevent him from repeatedly impregnating anyone else and then bullying them over weight that he caused.
The woman needs removed from your property, she doesn’t need to be there, and your kids will be damaged by her.
You can get your husband to ‘understand’ how not to be trash by divorcing him and enjoying your life.