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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL and husband laughing at my weight

235 replies

LilacRose30 · 11/05/2022 19:37

For a bit of background - before I had children I was a size 10. After children, I’m a size 14 and I have my wobbly bits and my main exercise is walking, where I do around 15k steps a day. My MIL has known me since I was a size 10, and my husband married me when I was skinny.

My husband never says anything about my weight and sex life is fine. However, when he’s around his mum he seems to think it’s fine to have a giggle when she makes comments directed at me. A few weeks ago, my husband mentioned MILs scales were broken and MiL said “obviously something heavier than 12 stone has been bouncing on them” and I saw her side eye me. Husband giggled but I said nothing. Tonight, my dog was behind the couch and I bent down to get him and I heard her say to him “you don’t get many of those to the pound” and another comment I couldn’t hear. I walked out and said to my husband that I feel hurt that he could ridicule my weight. His response - “you’re being childish. It was a joke.” I walked off upstairs and he said “come on, you’re being silly. It was a fucking joke”. For me, it’s not. He knows I had nearly suffered with an eating disorder when I was younger (we were together - I was so scared about getting fat).

I just feel hurt that he thinks it’s OK to make these jests at me and that it’s me being ridiculous. He didn’t stand up for me at all and I think the fact that he laughed made me wonder what he actually thinks of me.

to be honest, I’m just really upset that he just laughed. If someone said that my husband was fat or skinny or whatever, I would stand up for him.

Am I being dramatic? I’m not a confrontational person so feel like I couldn’t say anything to my MIL, especially as she’s staying with us for a while.

sorry for the rant, but crying and wanting to vent.

OP posts:
Wimpeyspread · 11/05/2022 21:34

SunshineCake · 11/05/2022 19:54

You should tell her to stop it yourself. You are a grown woman but he is a pig for not having your back and telling his mother to shut up.

Be very careful of this - my MIL used to do this with my daughter who ended up with an eating disorder

DeskInUse · 11/05/2022 21:34

Pull them up each and every time.

'What you're saying is rude'
'It's a joke'
'No it's not, jokes are funny, this isn't'

Dobbyismyabsolutefav · 11/05/2022 21:35

Wow. What a spiteful MIL you have and your DH is a disrespectful dick.

I think I would be showing the MIL where the front door is and perhaps your DH too, or at least the spare room. And don't get me started on talking about weight in front of young girls. Nuclear is the only way OP.

LittleOwl153 · 11/05/2022 21:35

Tell him it was not a joke as you are not laughing and either he apologises and gets his mother to stop or they are BOTH leaving.

Do not put up with being made to feel so bad in your own home. That is supposed to be your sanctuary.

Do not allow him into your room/bed this evening. He needs to know exactly how much this hurts you.

Wimpeyspread · 11/05/2022 21:36

Sorry quotes wrong post - referencing your MIL’s comments to your daughter

BellePeppa · 11/05/2022 21:40

Slip a good dose of laxative in both their dinners, that’ll take the edge of their ‘banter’.

rnsaslkih · 11/05/2022 21:43

“Jibes about my weight are not funny. You know I had an eating disorder and you need to stop upsetting me or leave now”

don’t rely on your husband to say it. Say it straight to her.

diddl · 11/05/2022 21:44

If they think both that this sort of thing is so funny-why aren't the "jokes" at their expense?

Because they are a pair of bullies perhaps?

Original poster
LilacRose30 · 11/05/2022 21:48

I’ve told my husband that he can leaves when she does, as obviously he thinks she’s done nothing wrong with what she says and her “ jokes”. I’m really hurt and I know that I need to stand up for myself - thank you for all of your comments. I do appreciate it and it’s made me question a lot. I want to protect my children and I know it starts with me standing up for myself and them. My husband is usually very sweet and loving and he really is a wonderful dad. He admits he feels sorry for his mum as she’s a widow but I can see how she plays people off against each other and always, always plays the victim. I was dreading her to come and stay and this is why, but DH thinks she’s lonely and has a heart of gold - how do you teach a man that he’s delusional about his mother?! I’ve made it very clear now, he either admits it was out of order and apologises and addresses it, or he’s going as well. He’s on the couch tonight. You’d think the threat of divorce would make him come grovelling?

OP posts:
whynotwhatknot · 11/05/2022 21:48

its disgusting anyway and evenmore so to do it in front of your children

has your husband been such a mummys boy aswell-you need to either practise getting fiery like your sil or getting divorced

mbosnz · 11/05/2022 21:53

She might be lonely - so she should be, the fucking bitch.

Your spouse and children are your number one priority, and you defend them against the world - including your family.

A few nights on the couch might give him some perspective.

AnneLovesGilbert · 11/05/2022 21:53

Read Toxic Inlaws.

Bahhhhhumbug · 11/05/2022 21:53

my mil was like this, she's away with the fairies now in a home but when you visited her in her own home-pre dementia was absolutely obsessed with peoples weight and always making comments and 'jokes' about anyone she noticed had put weight on even though she was a barrel shape herself l know you cant do this OP as she's in your house but l started just getting up and leaving as soon as she uttered a word about my weight.

Your DH obviously doesn't feel able or doesn't want to stand up to her for whatever reason so is gaslighting you that you are the problem so he doesn't have to.

godmum56 · 11/05/2022 21:59

LilacRose30 · 11/05/2022 19:55

Thanks everyone. She’s always constantly obsessed with weight and she was doing it in front of my 6 yo daughter and my daughter actually said to me “mummy I can’t wear that coat, it makes me look fat” !! I spoke with my MIL and said she was to stop as I don’t want my child thinking she looks anything other than beautiful.

My son found me crying and went and spoke to MIL and husband and they brushed it off. I didn’t tell him why I was upset but it’s really got to me, especially because I work 2 jobs, look after the kids and the house and then all it’s ok for MIL to “joke” about my weight. I will say something if she mentions it again, but I just know she will say “it’s just a joke”. It’s how she is but I notice she doesn’t do it to my SIL who can be fiery.

thank you guys ❤️

if she doesn't do it to your sil who can be fiery than you know how to fix this......

Aquamarine1029 · 11/05/2022 21:59

It's bewildering that you allow someone to treat you like this in your own home. I'd be telling her to get the fuck out of my house, and if your "lovely" husband objects, he can fuck off with her. How fucking dare she treat you like this? FFS, op, get angry. Stop being such a doormat!

curlymom · 11/05/2022 21:59

Nasty. I think you should go out when she’s around with your useless husband. Go treat yourself and make sure you use his money.

godmum56 · 11/05/2022 22:01

Could it be that he is scared of his mum? While you are the butt and the victim, he isn't? It doesn't excuse his behaviour but it might explain it?

Original poster
LilacRose30 · 11/05/2022 22:01

Bahhhhhumbug · 11/05/2022 21:53

my mil was like this, she's away with the fairies now in a home but when you visited her in her own home-pre dementia was absolutely obsessed with peoples weight and always making comments and 'jokes' about anyone she noticed had put weight on even though she was a barrel shape herself l know you cant do this OP as she's in your house but l started just getting up and leaving as soon as she uttered a word about my weight.

Your DH obviously doesn't feel able or doesn't want to stand up to her for whatever reason so is gaslighting you that you are the problem so he doesn't have to.

That’s it, she’s quick to criticise everyone else and even my SIL said she was toxic and she slags everyone off. She’s always said quite controversial things to me and I’ve always let it slide as I just want to keep the peace (much good has it done me 🤦🏻‍♀️). Once she said something really, really awful to me and I refused to speak with her but DH begged me to talk to her (not even to apologise or ask her for an apology, but just to break the ice, even though I didn’t need to), but I did it for him. If any of my family upset him then I back him up - like you do in a marriage. I just can’t understand how he could laugh (I couldn’t see facial expressions as I was bent down getting the dog) but I could just sense she was looking at my bum and doing wide eyes whilst she said that comment. It’s just hurtful and uncalled for. I’ve told husband that if he thinks so little of me then he can go. I’m just so so hurt right now. Glad I’m at work tomorrow so I can be out of the house.

OP posts:
CantGetDecentNickname · 11/05/2022 22:03

Well done OP for putting him on the couch. Sounds like he gets away with never apologizing and may be there until she leaves (don't back down, he needs to know that you mean it). If it gets to near the end of her stay and he hasn't apologised or stood up for you at all, do please start packing him a bag. You may have to follow through.

Your comment "It’s how she is but I notice she doesn’t do it to my SIL who can be fiery." stuck in my mind. It may help to act a part being a bit more fiery like your SIL even if it is out of character for you if being strongly challenged in blunt terms is what it takes to get the bullying MIL to back down.

Comments such as "that's a very nasty bullying thing to say" followed by "Bullies always pretend it's a joke, but for it to be one, everyone has to find it funny" along with, "I'm going to tell some rude jokes about DH's tiny dick now, I'm sure you'll find them hilarious". In all seriousness, I'd tell her that until she stops bullying you in front of your children and giving them her warped views on criticizing others on their size, you will be protecting them from her since her behaviour is damaging and toxic and it is your role as parent to protect them. You can then ask her to leave as you should never insult your host and tell her she won't be returning. He can go with her.

Please try not to cry, no-one has a right to make you feel that bad in your own home and she may feel that she has "won" in some warped way. Neither of them are worth crying over.

Good luck

myuterusistryingtokillme · 11/05/2022 22:04

Stop relying on your useless husband to sort it out and tell her off! 'For gods sake MIL, I am getting sick to death of your snide jibes about my weight. They aren't subtle, they certainly aren't funny, and it is exceptionally unhealthy to bang on about anyones weight in front of the children, so stop it'

Benjispruce4 · 11/05/2022 22:06

Your MIL sounds horrible and your husband weak.💐

SunshineCake · 11/05/2022 22:07

Wimpeyspread · 11/05/2022 21:34

Be very careful of this - my MIL used to do this with my daughter who ended up with an eating disorder

Show quote history

My comment doesn't relate to yours

pointythings · 11/05/2022 22:07

Well done opening your eyes and standing up for yourself. It's incredibly important that you do this because you have a DD who is already starting to worry about body image - at age 6 that is toxic. Stay strong, and if your 'D'H won't see the light, this is absolutely divorce worthy. Eating disorders cost the NHS many millions every year and ruin lives.

SunshineCake · 11/05/2022 22:08

I missed your post @Wimpeyspread I was confused Grin.

Eightiesfan · 11/05/2022 22:10

It must be something in men’s genetic make-up that they are blind to the fact that their mums are vile, evil creatures even while witnessing them belittle their wives.

To be honest, if my MIL said even half of these comments to me, she would not be spending another night under the same food without a bloody good apology.

Your husband should not be making excuses for her, and he needs to untie himself from his mummy’s apron strings and start acting like a husband and put you first by not allowing and encouraging the monster-in-laws rude behaviour.