MIL and husband laughing at my weight

[LilacRose30]

For a bit of background - before I had children I was a size 10. After children, I’m a size 14 and I have my wobbly bits and my main exercise is walking, where I do around 15k steps a day. My MIL has known me since I was a size 10, and my husband married me when I was skinny.

My husband never says anything about my weight and sex life is fine. However, when he’s around his mum he seems to think it’s fine to have a giggle when she makes comments directed at me. A few weeks ago, my husband mentioned MILs scales were broken and MiL said “obviously something heavier than 12 stone has been bouncing on them” and I saw her side eye me. Husband giggled but I said nothing. Tonight, my dog was behind the couch and I bent down to get him and I heard her say to him “you don’t get many of those to the pound” and another comment I couldn’t hear. I walked out and said to my husband that I feel hurt that he could ridicule my weight. His response - “you’re being childish. It was a joke.” I walked off upstairs and he said “come on, you’re being silly. It was a fucking joke”. For me, it’s not. He knows I had nearly suffered with an eating disorder when I was younger (we were together - I was so scared about getting fat).

I just feel hurt that he thinks it’s OK to make these jests at me and that it’s me being ridiculous. He didn’t stand up for me at all and I think the fact that he laughed made me wonder what he actually thinks of me.

to be honest, I’m just really upset that he just laughed. If someone said that my husband was fat or skinny or whatever, I would stand up for him.

Am I being dramatic? I’m not a confrontational person so feel like I couldn’t say anything to my MIL, especially as she’s staying with us for a while.

sorry for the rant, but crying and wanting to vent.

Size 14 isn’t big anyway. I suppose it depends on your height but if you were skinny as a size 10 I’d guess you’re above average height so you’re not huge as a size 14.

Your MIL sounds like a bully, nothing she said was a joke at all. Your DH is just as bad for going along with it. I’d start thinking of insults to throw back at them both tbh, I gather neither of them are supermodels so it shouldn’t be difficult.

Get rid of both of the spiteful creatures. He can be a “good dad” when he has them.

I'd be speaking to my DH, something like 'if your mum says one more insulting word to me, she is out of this house. And if you stick up for her, you'll be close behind as I am sick of it. I'm not a joke and you and your mum are incredibly rude. Our daughter is commenting about looking fat and I'm not having it. So have a word with her now or that door will be open and her things will be on the pavement. Your choice.' Put the onus on him if you can't face the argument with both of them the next time it happens. Then follow it through. If she starts, quietly go upstairs, get her bag bring it down and say 'time for you to pack'. Then walk away'. Let him sort it out as he may grow a backbone.

I can't believe that either of them are still under your roof. If my MIL had told my child that she looked fat she would have been out of the door there and then. Put an end to this before it does a lifetime of harm to your Daughter.

Am I being dramatic? I’m not a confrontational person so feel like I couldn’t say anything to my MIL, especially as she’s staying with us for a while.

It's not confrontational to insist that nobody is allowed to continually insult you.

It sounds like DH loves you for you as he doesn't objectify your body when it's just you. But something makes him gang up when MiL is around, & join in her bullying. I'd start with that - ask him why he loves you enough to not be bothered about your dress size, but not enough to stop his mother's awful comments?

It's outrageous that he's joining in.
But you know it's not going to stop until you tackle it, no?
So firstly - get DH onside. Talk this out until he sees how out of order his mother's bullying is, agrees he has been a massive coward in supporting his mother's foul verbal abuse instead of sticking up for his beloved wife. Don;t hold back- he ought to feel properly ashamed of himself.
Secondly - read this - www.amazon.co.uk/Woman-Your-Own-Right-Assertiveness/dp/0704334208
Thirdly - having secured DH's agreement that HE WILL HAVE YOUR BACK FROM NOW ON - next time MiL opens her cruel ignorant mouth - tell her you don't want to hear a single word from her, ever again, about your body.
You will get push-back (I was only joking - you are too sensitive - what's wrong with you - etc etc) - but this is what you are scared of when you wrote about confrontation, isn't it? You are scared of how the other person will react.
See the book link above - there are techniques to help with that.
One of the most effective is 'the broken record' where you choose a helpful phrase & just trot it out on repeat. Eg
"as I said MiL - I don't want to hear it"
"as I said MiL. I'm not interested in your opinion, I don't want to hear it"
"As I said MiL - if you don't stop commenting on my body, I don't want you here"
"As I said MiL - I don't want to hear it, but you seem to be unable to stop doing it, so this visit is over & I'm going home now." -
"As I said MiL - you are to stop making these stupid remarks, so it;s time for you to leave now."

She only does it because you won't stand up to her.
So Start.
Obviously it will feel difficult at first but the great thing about being assertive is every time you do it, it gets easier. The effects on your own self-esteem are amazing, & you will thank yourself for coming out of your defensive shell & calmly putting MiL back in her box.

Remember - she also does it because your DH encourages her.
So you tackle his disloyal arse first.
Mainly by calling out his disloyalty, & asking him WTF he is playing up, ganging up on his wife because he can't stand up to his mother. Let him know that any discomfort he feels in standing up to his mother with you will be NOTHING compared to the discomfort you will cause him if he joins in his mother's name-calling again.

This would be a deal breaker for me OP. Both of them a nasty piece of work.

What a stupid & irrelevant question @anywhichwaytoo

OP didn't ask you to weightsplain her dress size. Do you know why? - BECAUSE IT IS NOT THE ISSUE.
The issue - which I note you do not address, apart from smugly noting that YOU "wouldn't accept" it - is her MiL's bullying, & her DH's spineless playing along with it.

Don’t wait for her to make another joke. Go out somewhere for a coffee/tea just the 2 of you. Public so she can’t rant .
say outright once settled that you need to talk to her. Start by saying they you both want the same thing…your DH to be in a happy family with happy grandchildren- ask her if she agrees- and chat through till you get to a statement about what you both want in your relationship to DH and dc that you agree on.
Then say you need her help in resolving a problem that is getting in the way of that, . Ask if she will listen to you first and then you’ll give her chance to put her perspective forward.

then Tell her that when she makes comments about your weight it causes you to feel a lot of distress. Imho I think you need to say you are afraid of her visits because you know that the comments are triggering and upsetting for you. Words like afraid are very powerful. But then make sure you say that you know she doesn’t intend to cause you fear- it is how you feel though. . Then tell her why it prod uses those strong feelings. Talk about “”me”, not “you”. Make it about you- how you feel. . Practice what you will say first before you meet. Keep it shortish. Don’t waffle. Have some examples to hand you can use. Talk for maybe 3 or 4 minutes. If she tries to interrupt just say please let me say what I need to and then you can put your perspective to me.

When your done, ask her to explain WHY she says what she does. Keep probing with the whys…but otherwise don’t interrupt her. So if she says she thinks it is funny…ask her why it’s funny..etc…just simple open ended questions to make her really think about why she is doing it.if she says she is concerned about your weight ,..ask her why she thinks making fun of you will encourage you to diet or loose weight? Ask her why she thinks that would be effective in light of all evidence that says it won’t. When she completes a sentence or statement repeat it back to her …”so you are saying…”. This shows you are listening and mirroring back to her so that she knows you have understood what she says,

When she’s done explaining to you, repeat the opening statement of what you both agree you want.

Then ask her how you are supposed to deal with these comments? Ask for her help in effect…you may really need her help but you are enlisting her to solve this problem together. Make sure she is not answering how you can loose weight. Ask her how you can solve it in terms of your mutual benefit in terms of happy DH and dc and by default for you have a good relationship and not feel afraid every time she comes around that you’ll be upset by what she says. Say that you are dreading her visits becuase of how you often feel…and say that’s not helpful for anyone in the family…you have to find the common ground you both agree with for her to see her jokes are distrusting that.

don’t accuse her. Keep it unemotional and solving a problem. It needs to be a “safe” conversation for both of you.

This is a proven technique of “crucial conversation”. Find common ground. Make it safe. Tell your story. Let other person tell their story, Then use that to explore how YOU (the person who raised the problem) can solve it.

Sorry, should say you may NOT really need her help…

This is blatant rudeness and bullying. All bullies try to pass off this kind of toxic behaviour as 'jokes', but they are deeply unkind and your MIL knows it. I'd be tempted to start doing it to her - she'll soon get the point. Just pick an obvious trait and start 'joking' about it.

This

Really bad form of him not to apologise when he knows how hurt those comments made you feel. His mother sounds horrible as well

This is such a heart braking thread to read, what nasty nasty comments from your MIL and 'D'H. Standing up for yourself doesnt have to feel confrontational, but by projecting confidence (real or not!) you can have just the same effect.

I would be very keen to point out that this 'overweight' body was the same beautiful body that carried and grew her grandchildren, and without this body you would not be able to work 2 jobs, run a house and babysit her immature son. I would also be keen to point out as a women and mother herself, you would expect her above anyone to understand and its so dissapointing that she has chosen to spread negativety instead of empowering women and mothers for being the amazing creatures they are.

Same goes for 'D'H, if he cannot learn to appreciated what your 'wobbly body' has achieved to bring his children into the world, and run the the household he has come acustom to, he is not welcome to it.

Typical to any bully - when they no longer feel the comments are having the desired effect, they tend to stop.

On another note though, do you want to lose weight? Why are you a size 14 if you're walking 15k steps a day, what are you eating? I mean this in a kind and curious way, I've also had children and had to work hard on the weight loss, so it's not a dig at you. my healthy size was always a 14 too, in was very active, very fit, very healthy with curves in all the right places. I once starved to 800cal per day to get to size 10, but I certainly wasn't healthy. I don't think there was anything kind an curious about the comment, I think it was ignorant and judgemental.

Some good advice on this thread. esp @EmilyBolton
Wish I'd had this advice 20 years ago. I was always advised to ignore it... to "rise above it".
This family member sees that as permission to carry on, so I do answer back now. Every time.
My answers back are polite but firm. I've been labelled touchy, can't take a joke, etc. but I don't care anymore. I really wanted a good relationship with them but I know they will never change.

It isn't "just" anything, & it's certainly fuck-all to do with generational viewpoints.

I don't think you understand the difference between cause & effect @Tamzo85

Younger generations are heavier because of the explosion of fast food industry. Billions of £ has been invested in sophisticated junk food technology that causes consumers to become literally addicted - eg specific techniques of fat/salt/carb layering that some doctors & nutritionists state is as addictive as heroin. Billions more spent on pushing the product via advertising. That's how obesity happened.

Older generations were too aware of food scarcity & poverty post WW2 to persistently overeat as a lifestyle choice, & today's over-abundant fast-food, supermarket ready meals & packaged junk simply weren't available to them. They didn't get fat because they consumed better quality food, & less of it - they were also less sedentary.
It had nothing to do with "mentioning weight gain" & it's ludicrous to say so - modern generations are far more obsessed with weight & body image, & social media & modern 'entertainment' media reinforces that. It's certainly not lack of mentioning weight that caused the obesity crisis. It's the food industry, & a decline in standard knowledge of good nutrition.

What an absolute cow. Wishing you well OP, don’t let them do any of that “I’m sorry if it upset you” bullshit either. It’s rude and nasty, and there’s enough people in this world who’ll be nasty to you without family piling in.

You are absolutely not being unreasonable. What a vile person your MIL is - I would retort “ I know you think you’re joking but I find your comments about my weight hurtful and offensive so please stop …. Im sure you wouldn’t like it if I “ joked “ about your age/ hair/ wrinkles ( pick the thing she’s most likely to be sensitive about ) As for your husband , he needs to grow a pair and tell his mother to back off .

OP I have been through a very similar story with my weight.
I was a size 10, dropped to a 6-8 through my eating disorder (bulimia). Everyone was so complimentary about my weight loss and how amazing I looked that it drove me on and now I have irreparable damage to my stomach and digestive system. I finally stopped purging when I fell pregnant. After having DS I left a very physical job and went for an office based role. The weight piled on and suddenly I was a size 14. DS is now 5 and I have only managed to drop to a 12 through diet and exercise. Purging has started to creep back in because of the comments I keep getting from my parents about my weight.

DH is well aware about all my issues regarding food and my weight. If he ever made a comment or laughed along at a joke about my weight he knows what it would do to me. When I've left my parents in tears after they've commented on my weight I have to do all I can to hold him back to stop him going and having a go at them.

DH's weight also fluctuates (who's doesn't!) and I know that he is sensitive to weight gain too so it is not something we ever talk about.

If one of us starts eating healthier again or exercising more, the other joins in to help.

I would absolutely leave DH if he mocked my weight. I don't think it's something I'd ever feel we could come back from.

If he is so critical and disrespectful about appearances now, what is he going to be like in 20 years time? When you age? When your boobs sag? When your hair turns grey?
You should feel confident that you'll grow old and grey together, loving one another in spite of your changing bodies.

Thank you - I really appreciate it ❤️

Nobody on the thread has asked for advice on losing weight or clothes size.

I think there are enough threads about weight on MN that perhaps you could save your super helpful remarks for a different one.

The size of a person's body is the least interesting thing about them.

The type of person who has to constantly talk about weight and food and sizes...well, they don't have much going on do they.

I was going to say that the tempting classic rejoinder in this situation is:
I may weigh a bit more than I did but, if I want to, I can start losing weight tomorrow however you will still be old and rude!

BUT

KettrickenSmiled & EmilyBolton have given you much better strategies. Perhaps you can just think mine or have it printed on a mug!

Chin up and backbone stiffened - go for it both for your daughter and yourself. 💐

Its a control thing. Her trying to be top dog and putting you in your place with your DH as back up. More problematic is the nonsense round your daughter. Your DH needs to stop this now. There should be no mention by her of weight or size in your house at all. Full stop. Or she can't come round. If he cant stand up for you the least he can do is protect his daughter. It's nasty insidious stuff. I had PILs who did the same and there has to be zero tolerance.

Re The DH joining in.
Another poster said that she was disrespecting his choice of partner to speak to you like that. I think there is something in that and again, he just doesn't see it.
Also you might find if you delve deeper into family history that DH was formerly on the receiving end of much of this. and particularly the withholding of her approval and part of it is that he is grateful/relieved not to be her target anymore. Not saying its a conscious choice on his part. Just a theory, but I have thought this about a relative before and perhaps her rotten behaviour has screwed him up more than he realises and he just can't see it.
Either way, she's not doing it to bring happiness and harmony to your home is she? she's not doing it to demonstrate her love and delight in her grandchildren. She gets a kick out of being allowed to be spiteful. I'm cross on your behalf OP.

Typically the DM are running this now ffs