MIL and husband laughing at my weight

[LilacRose30]

For a bit of background - before I had children I was a size 10. After children, I’m a size 14 and I have my wobbly bits and my main exercise is walking, where I do around 15k steps a day. My MIL has known me since I was a size 10, and my husband married me when I was skinny.

My husband never says anything about my weight and sex life is fine. However, when he’s around his mum he seems to think it’s fine to have a giggle when she makes comments directed at me. A few weeks ago, my husband mentioned MILs scales were broken and MiL said “obviously something heavier than 12 stone has been bouncing on them” and I saw her side eye me. Husband giggled but I said nothing. Tonight, my dog was behind the couch and I bent down to get him and I heard her say to him “you don’t get many of those to the pound” and another comment I couldn’t hear. I walked out and said to my husband that I feel hurt that he could ridicule my weight. His response - “you’re being childish. It was a joke.” I walked off upstairs and he said “come on, you’re being silly. It was a fucking joke”. For me, it’s not. He knows I had nearly suffered with an eating disorder when I was younger (we were together - I was so scared about getting fat).

I just feel hurt that he thinks it’s OK to make these jests at me and that it’s me being ridiculous. He didn’t stand up for me at all and I think the fact that he laughed made me wonder what he actually thinks of me.

to be honest, I’m just really upset that he just laughed. If someone said that my husband was fat or skinny or whatever, I would stand up for him.

Am I being dramatic? I’m not a confrontational person so feel like I couldn’t say anything to my MIL, especially as she’s staying with us for a while.

sorry for the rant, but crying and wanting to vent.

we were together - I was so scared about getting fat

what was going on for you back then?
did you feel you had to be skinny for him?

Okay, I’d be telling him that he is not nurturing you at all emotionally. His tolerance of his mother’s spite is weak and unattractive. You can’t respect a man that allows things like that to be said about his wife to the point that his own 6year old DD is worried about her weight. To have her husband JOINING IN is utterly unacceptable. He is playing a very dangerous game with his marriage because you are going to pick your own and DD’s health and happiness over him and his mother.

Your DH (DickHead) is the problem.

Were he to challenge her, she would stop.
He knows that you are upset & dislike her attitude as it is mean & undermining.

His ignoring your statements & his reflex attempts to please her are pissing you off & you are coming closer to the Point of Ick.

Does he want to live with you & DC as an adult man & father or go back home to Mummy?

MiL: crass fat joke etc
DH: Oh ha ha chortle chortle
OP: Thank you for pointing that out to me, I had not noticed.
However the joke is on you, I can loose weight but you will always be mean & nasty. Close the door on your way out.

Well done for telling your OH exactly what you think of him, his mother and their jokes OP! If, come tomorrow you don't feel able to face speaking to her, I would just write her a note, telling her that you don't find her 'little jokes' about your weight, funny, and that you are so angry that you can't even bring yourself to speak to her, so it's time she went home as she has thoroughly worn out her welcome, and won't be invited again until you receive an apology. I would then go on to say that if you ever hear her comment about anyone's weight in your house, or in front of your family again, you will have nothing further to do with her. You could also throw in something along the lines of, 'it's no wonder you're lonely, other people obviously aren't so willing to put up with your rudeness and catty remarks, as I have done for DH's sake, but you have pushed your luck too far this time, and I am no longer prepared to tolerate this behaviour, so think carefully about how you speak to me in future!'

I really hope that you can sort them both out OP, as I know how hard it is when a marriage breaks down, but if they still don't see the error of their ways, I would certainly be giving serious thought to ending the marriage, as a husband who doesn't support you, isn't worth having. Stand strong! You can do this!!

He ridiculed your weight, and appearance, or at least joined in when his mother did so. Making hurtful comments about a person’s appearance is not funny; laughing about someone and the way they look, drawing attention to an element of their appearance which is perceived as a negative, is cruel. Ask him to point out the bit where the joke started.

Ah, so he’s still trying to get Mummy’s approval. Oh dear.

Interesting that there was that one time when he behaved as he should always do. So he can do it, and it would take the wind right out of her sails if he did it all the time. I wonder what it was that made him see her behaviour for what it was that one time.

Good luck standing up to them both tomorrow. You have the power of MN behind you! Remember - YANBU!

Just horrid. I think you are being very restrained.

Unacceptable plain and simple

You need to be really firm with both of them and never allow these comments again. They're bullying you and it's not acceptable.
Well done on the steps, I struggle to get 10k.

Exactly my thought- have a laugh with your friend in front of him about his little Willy. “What? It was only a joke! You’re being ridiculous!”

He’s the youngest and she panders to the older brother (lots of “love you lots” to the older bro but whenever DH ends a call and says “love you mum” she just says “bye”).

This is very telling. She has manipulated her own son into seeking acceptance and never giving it out. Your DH has been an arsehole but really this isn’t normal how his own mother is treating him.

Or his inability to find your clitoris without the aid of a map and compass and a team of sherpas to lead the way…To drive the point home and show him what you’re doing, you could throw in
“ Especially since you’re so fat and all.” and glare at his shriveling self.

I would use your SIL as a template. She seems to know how to handle your MIL just fine.

You're not going to change your MIL's character, but you can safeguard your DC against inappropriate comments regarding body image and self-esteem. If you can't do it for yourself do it for them. Lead by example.

GO LILACROSE!!!! Stand up for yourself girl! 👊🏻😚

Them commenting on your weight is fine.
Them laughing at it. Not fine
They laughing at it together: hell no.

Them commenting on your weight is fine

Nope. This is not "fine" at all.

Agree… NOT fine. Not in the slightest.

Btw, MIL having a face like a slapped bum/mouth like a cat’s arse might come in useful.

‘Don’t make personal comments about my weight please.’ Every time she does it, until it’s so unfunny it loses its appeal.

Don’t make comments about her age/looks or his penis size btw. That’s just dropping to their level and legitimising unwanted mockery.

He sounds like a knob, he absolutely shouldn’t be laughing at you with his Mum. Are you really his priority because it doesn’t really sound like it?

Why is it fine to comment on OPs weight?

I'm 5ft 5, size 14 and BMI of 24..

Strange how bodies work. I'm 5'6, size 14 and have a BMI of 26. I'm taller than you but overweight but we wear the same clothes....

On another note, just because 14 is the most common size in the UK doesn't make it not overweight. If a large % of people in the country are overweight, then this can show in things like "average dress size".

Any time something negative is said about anybody's weight or body I pull them up on it straight away.

Would this include stuff like someone saying "the doctor has told me I need to lose weight for surgery" as the implication there is that their body is unhealthy, or wrong, and is negative towards their body?

Or just for things like "she's fat" "I feel fat and disgusting" ?

Size 14 isn’t fat.

In your opinion. I am overweight and fat at this size.