To want to confront my best friend

Happyclapper18 · 2022-05-09T22:01:46+00:00

My best friend has suddenly cut contact by 90%. When I contact her she takes days to respond and makes excuses as to why she has no time to call or meet. I know that if I challenge her she will not respond so I feel my only choice is to let it go. This seems so sad as we were very close and had alot of fun over the years Just can't think how best to react.

Wavygravy1 · 09/05/2022 23:04

This has happened to me, been totally ignored for weeks. I sent a message asking what was going on, no reply. I’ve cut my losses and blocked her, sad as I really thought we were friends however I can’t waste any more head space on it.

worraliberty · 09/05/2022 23:06

What do you mean she 'wont respond'?

So if you phone her up and ask her directly what the problem is, she wouldn't say anything?

whiteroseredrose · 09/05/2022 23:08

There might be something going on.

This happened with a friend of mine. We all relocated but she was out of contact for about 18 months.

Turned out that her marriage was breaking down and she had met someone else.

Original poster

Happyclapper18 · 09/05/2022 23:09

Ses so childish and such a waste
We helped each other through really tough times and always got on so well. I just can't think why this has happened. Need to let it go but its like loosing a family member.

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Crazykefir · 09/05/2022 23:09

I'm sorry op. Has anything happened between you both? Are you up to texting and asking directly- it's ok if your not xxx

Bizzlemizzle · 09/05/2022 23:17

Sometimes people just grow apart especially when life changes, even on just one side.

She might have something going on, or be extremely busy, new (or busy current) job, kids? The excuses may be genuine reasons. I know that when I have something going on or I get really busy I go quiet with friends and I have had the same happen to me with friends. I've had best friends and we have grown apart and just lost contact.

I would check in with your friend, ask her if she is doing ok before any confrontation. If she ignores you, then let it go. Friendship break ups suck, they hurt but like everything else you just move on.

Daydreamsinsantafe · 09/05/2022 23:21

This could be my friend writing about me but as always there are two sides.

My friend has some behaviours that I’ve come to find intolerable but I can’t discuss them with her because one of the intolerable behaviours is her always being right. It’s just pointless trying to speak to her so I don’t.

Not suggesting that’s you of course but it’s very unlikely anyone you consider a good friend doesn’t have a reason. Maybe give some thought to the dynamic of your relationship.

@Wavygravy1 what’s the point of blocking someone who doesn’t contact you? I always wonder this when people say they’ve blocked someone. Unless they’re harassing you what’s the point? Genuinely don’t understand the psychology!

Original poster

Happyclapper18 · 09/05/2022 23:29

We used to speak at least 3 times a week and see each other often, go on holiday etc. We know everything about each others lives and have supported each other through the worst. Theres never been a time when we were too busy. This started about 2 months ago. I have rung most weeks but she never picks up just sends a very formal text saying she's been so busy and will catch up soon.
At best this is true in which case she's just being bloody rude or at worst I've some how upset and I want to know what I've done . Either way shes not going to take kindly ro being called out.

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TaranThePigKeeper · 09/05/2022 23:29

Why is it that so often people talk about ‘confronting’ others? Why be so dramatic? If you’re friends and something’s wrong, surely you ring them and ask if they’re okay, because they’re acting out of character? No confrontation needed, just a conversation between friends. If she’s going through something awful in her life, she’s unlikely to confide in you if you ‘confront’ her like something off Jeremy Kyle. If you call and are genuinely concerned and supportive, you might be able to help, and then you won’t have to come to terms with letting the friendship go.

DingDongBellPussysInTheWell · 09/05/2022 23:40

I'm not saying you're to blame at all, I can only speak from my own experience but I am seriously rethinking a "best" friendship. Before covid she was prone to quite bitchy outbursts, but they were manageable and, on the whole, we got on great. …. but since covid her jealous negativity just knows no bounds, she can be horrible. I know it's low MH but it's becoming unbearable, especially since she started with snide comments in my direction
It's becoming obvious that we're just not on the same page.

chisanunian · 09/05/2022 23:42

Do you have any mutual friends who might have an idea what's going on in her life that might have set this off?

Shitandhills · 09/05/2022 23:47

Have you or she had a change in circumstances recently? Pregnancy, job, partner etc? My friend went AWOL when she got pregnant. It was bizarre, she vanished, popped up pregnant, blew hot and cold, seemed annoyed by anything I said, no matter how innocuous. Who knows what was wrong, I wish she had just told me so I could try to do something about it. Personally I think it's immature and belies a lack of emotional literacy.

Original poster

Happyclapper18 · 09/05/2022 23:47

I've tried calling and she doesn't pick up so I've text her as I previously said but she just responds in very distant way. We've both had birthdays during this time which we would normally celebrate together but when I suggested this via text she just replied that she'd call with a date but she never did. We are both on our 50s for goodness sake and this just seems so juvenile. To loose a good friend at this stage of our lives is sad but I quess I know her well enough to know that this behaviour is more than just being busy. I feel like she could at least explain. Our children are in contact and there doesn't appear to be anything wrong at home. I don't want to get them unvolved though.

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Kat1953 · 09/05/2022 23:49

Happyclapper18 · 09/05/2022 23:29

We used to speak at least 3 times a week and see each other often, go on holiday etc. We know everything about each others lives and have supported each other through the worst. Theres never been a time when we were too busy. This started about 2 months ago. I have rung most weeks but she never picks up just sends a very formal text saying she's been so busy and will catch up soon.
At best this is true in which case she's just being bloody rude or at worst I've some how upset and I want to know what I've done . Either way shes not going to take kindly ro being called out.

I wouldn't write her off just yet. She might be going through some sh*t. I know you've been very close in the past, but sometimes something happens or too much crap is going on and you just can't bring yourself to explain.
Give her time, I think she'll come back.

GreenForG · 09/05/2022 23:56

I made a thread the same thing op. It hurts, especially when you were close almost as sisters. Do you have any ideas about what the problem could be? I was so hurt by it and I think I’ll always want closure. I don’t think ghosting is acceptable in many relationships, friendship or romantic or even after a job interview (with the obvious exceptions).

Gymnopedie · 09/05/2022 23:56

If you’re friends and something’s wrong, surely you ring them and ask if they’re okay, because they’re acting out of character? No confrontation needed, just a conversation between friends.

That only works if the other party answers the phone and speaks to you. Which the OP's 'friend' isn't doing even though OP rings her.

Original poster

Happyclapper18 · 09/05/2022 23:58

Thanks for your replies. I think there's some truth in all of them. She's quite a private person and I am the only friend she confides in. She can also be very sensitive and I do have to be careful how I say things sometimes but she had always made a thing of how much she valued our friendship. Just feel gutted as if she can behave like this then she wasn't a real friend.

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Sswhinesthebest · 10/05/2022 00:00

Can’t you just text
”Have I done something to upset you? . Please be honest.”

Original poster

Happyclapper18 · 10/05/2022 00:03

Gymnopedie...I did say that I have rung most weeks since this happened.

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Original poster

Happyclapper18 · 10/05/2022 00:04

I did that this evening Sswhinesthebest and she didn't reply. I could see that she'd seen the message though

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Ssa1 · 10/05/2022 00:04

I would honestly just send a message and ask if everything is ok or if something is bothering her if no response then leave it I guess. I have been on both sides and I feel sometimes there is only so much you can do.

Kat1953 · 10/05/2022 00:06

Just feel gutted as if she can behave like this then she wasn't a real friend.

This is what I mean when I say don't write her off yet. It could be she's struggling with her mental health, or it could be that something is going on that her children aren't wise too.

When my mh is poor I really struggle to keep up with friends, what feels like a 2 day delay in reply to me often turns out to be as much as 2 weeks. I also don't have the mental energy to even mention what's been going on, let alone talk about it.

Luckily, my close friends know and understand this and in return I do everything I can to make up for it when I'm able to because I know its hard on them.

True friends also give each other grace when one falls short of expectations, thats how deep and life long friendships whether these storms.

The alternative of course is that the friendship is draining her in some way and she's decided to let it go. It's really hard but only time will tell .

I understand you're hurt. I think you could send a text saying you're worried about her, asking if everything is OK and that you're here for her when she's ready. But also that you're worried you've upset her in some way so can she let you know if you have.
.

Original poster

Happyclapper18 · 10/05/2022 00:07

At our age though it's just ridiculous. Should I call round to her house?

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Kat1953 · 10/05/2022 00:08

I think that might be too intense...

Bizzlemizzle · 10/05/2022 00:11

@Happyclapper18 I have one dear close friend who I will confide in, but not about everything. Sometimes I just feel somethings are THAT private it stays with me (and whoever it involved) and it may be something similar.

I second @Sswhinesthebest about a short, direct text. If she doesn't respond then leave her and see what happens.