To want to confront my best friend

[Happyclapper18]

My best friend has suddenly cut contact by 90%. When I contact her she takes days to respond and makes excuses as to why she has no time to call or meet. I know that if I challenge her she will not respond so I feel my only choice is to let it go. This seems so sad as we were very close and had alot of fun over the years
Just can't think how best to react.

I'm going through this right now.
I just want ti thank everyone for their advice.
It confirmed really what I have decided to do.
I've backed off due to the fact I've done all the running for a long time , years in fact - so as a result I've heard nothing for about 3 months.
Sad but not really a surprise.
Then I find out I've been blocked on social media.
It hurts but I respect that , for whatever reason they don't want me in their life.
I won't chase them or demand an explanation, as I know this has been a long time coming and been a one sided relationship for a long time. It really is for the best. For now anyway and the ball is firmly in their court.
I love them and will be here if they need me.
Anything afterwards , if there is anything, will be a new and different relationship.
But I've been able to process it really quickly for a few reasons.
1.I've realised that it has never really been a healthy / balanced relationship. - maybe jealousy involved.

1. I have matured enough to have developed lots of very healthy friendships / relationships with other people who are interested in me and my family, with people who genuinely like me and celebrate my successes.
2. I can't just stop having fun in the hope it won't upset the other person, and cause them to feel bad. (I've stopped apologising for living my life in the way I really want to and it basically hurts no one in anyway. )

@beachcitygirl That is a vicious post. You launch into someone and declare 'Now have some grace, educate yourself'. It's obnoxious. Your behaviour is entirely at odds with what you demand of others . That is my opinion.

Lots and lots of people gave agreed with me and noticed the horrible post to me from another poster. And now your post sticking your nose in & not engaging with my main point. Whatever. You do you. I'm comfortable that ghosting is cruel. 👍🏻

When people say things like 'we helped each other through really tough times' I always wonder whether the friendship is built on drama, on long heart to hearts. That can be draining, long term. Lots of people just want friendship to be lighthearted - a dog walk, coffee and catch up, not deep rumination on life. Perhaps she feels a bit overwhelmed by how emotional and heavy the friendship has been?

Also, be honest - was it quite one-sided? Did you freely offload onto her and then ask a few token questions about her? I've let go of friends like this. They are users, even though they think it's a close friendship, the dynamic is all one way.

I'd give her space for a few weeks and then maybe text her with a bit of good news in your life and say you hope she's well and that she'll get in touch when she wants to.

The OP says that this friend confided her a lot so it doesn’t sound as if it was one sided. It’s possible that that she might feel uncomfortable about this, which I can identify with as I’ve been there in the past.

If she’s regretting confiding so much, she might well feel uncomfortable about being around the OP.

Or is it possible that the OP is one of those bossy people who tries to solve problems when this isn’t what’s wanted, when all that’s wanted is someone to offload to? (My DM is very much like this and it’s exhausting.)

A really close friend cut contact for 10 years. I was heartbroken & confused, but eventually she started commenting on my posts on Facebook & we reconnected. She explained that her mental health had gone down the pan (her words). Not surprising, she'd been through a lot. We're not as close as we were, but that's more to do with geography: I've moved east, she moved west. I'm really glad she's back in my life. It might be something like this going on, OP.

It could be nothing to do with you. I have a friend who developed rapid alopecia and lost all of her hair. She didn’t want to face the world or discuss it and needed time to process it. She’d hidden the early stages from us snd once it hit bad she severed all contact. Eventually she adapted, found hair solutions, got a great wig and came back.
It could be anxiety or depression and nothing personal to you at all.

A card is a lovely suggestion, a gentle communication without any pressure.

She'll come around in her own time so leave it be and focus on your other friends is my advice, OP.

My friend of 20yrs got me into huge bother with the CEO of a company I confounded (we employed her). She hasn't bothered with me since, yes wtf! Some people don't deserve our time, eh?!

You've mentioned age a few times, but people change throughout their lives and all sorts of things can happen to them that makes them behave differently, regardless of maturity or experience.

Only your friend can say what's happened - and hopefully will soon - but something like depression can make a person completely close down, to the point they don't want to communicate with anyone. The more contact you receive the more it can make you clam up. It doesn't make it right, but it can be the only way that person can get through it.

Of course there's the possibility that you've drifted apart and she doesn’t have the courage to say it, which would be awful given how close you were. But if there's actually a problem and you're contacting her repeatedly - even with the best intentions - then maybe she feels overwhelmed and isn't ready to speak about it yet.

I hope she clarifies things soon 💐

Go around to her house and ask her outright, she might be going through something she’s not in a place to tell you right now, or might be suffering with her mental health. I am grateful on the odd occasion when I have been suffering with my mental health that my friends double their efforts and don’t just cut their losses.

OP reading between the lines it sounds like your friend is either upset with you or there’s some aspect of your friendship she has reservations about.

The fact her texts have been curt (formal and distant as you say) and she hasn’t immediately reassured you when you’ve asked if you’ve done something to upset her make me suspect she’s upset or annoyed about something and has responded by withdrawing (either intending for you to notice or hoping you won’t).

Is there anything at all you can think if that she may have taken offence to?

Yes this is the same as me , I am the one who has distanced myself from a friend of a long time , purely just because over the 20 years we been mates , I’ve never felt like she really have a sh*t about me , I used to leave seeing her feeling like crap from
her snide remarks , and showing off about one thing or another.

I just gave up in the end …. And felt better for it . I never discussed it with her as just thought what’s the point , it’s not changed in 20 years but prior to this I just accepted it all the years , so felt I was the one who was accepting it I was allowing to be treated that way.

I’m sure others have asked but are you sure she’s okay? A close friend when completely off radar, ignoring calls, texts and even door knocks (they lived alone so we were pretty worried about them) I was pretty offended but it turned out to be because they’re were in the midst of a mental health crisis. They actually went completely NC for a good few years but I still dropped round birthday/Christmas cards and sent postcards etc with my number in and out of the blue they got back in touch about 6 years later. They’re now in a much better place and we’ve picked our friendship back up.

Of course this might not be the case with your friend but in the nicest possible way it’s not always about you! It’s up to you how you proceed but perhaps letting them know you’re thinking of them with the odd text and approaching it from an ‘are you okay?’ position instead of a ‘what have I done wrong?’ one could be helpful

It's happened to me before, think it's very hurtful thing to do to someone

I wouldn't, if you know via her kids nothing is seriously wrong then I think you need to cut your losses unfortunately and stop contacting her. I know how you feel its happened to me before

@Happyclapper18 I sympathise, I've had a friendship that's gone down the tubes in recent months and it's someone that I've known for years. I know that she doesn't really get my situation, she has a tendency to be selfish, but in the interest of a lifelong friendship I'm giving her the benefit of the doubt. I'm absolutely NOT chasing her, but I'm guessing that she's going through her own stuff (we've all got our own shit going on right?). Might I suggest you throw yourself into your own stuff. Enjoy your family, other friends, hobbies, getting fit, enjoying the sunshine, getting the garden ready for summer, whatever makes you happy and if/when she's ready then maybe she'll come around and if not then so be it. You haven't lost anything, you'll have found your own happy and moved on. :)

My oldest friend (I've written about her on here before) has been very challenging for a year or more. Undergoing therapy, and I have given hours, days, so much time over to her listening to her problems, and everything being me, me, me. Constantly rejecting advice from not just me - I realise this is her prerogative, but why ask for help if you are not going to do anything? I saw her two or three times a week with me doing all the contacting all the time. I began to realise there was no reciprocity.

She has no other "real" friends, only people on Facebook she never meets or sees. She's been making very questionable contacts on FB, all men, all ending in tears (hers).

She never gets in touch. Ever. Last year I went on holiday for two weeks and when I had heard nothing I decided to have a "mini break" from her. Until she threatened to kill herself and I called round - said she was just having a meltdown and then said "Oh I should have perhaps called you". When I said yes, that would have been nice, she said "Oh I've always been like that. I never call people."

A month ago she was again going on about crying all the time and talking non stop about these strange contacts on Facebook. I just decided I was getting nothing from this friendship. I haven't contacted her since, and have heard absolutely zero from her either.

When I think of the times I spent an hour a day on the phone with her or round at her house, and she hasn't even realised she hasn't seen or heard from me for over a month, or doesn't even care!

I actually think she has no understanding of what a friendship is about. I've walked away already but not actually told her. It's always me who gets in touch so I haven't. I've heard nothing from her. I'm leaving it until she contacts me, if she does and asks if I'm ok because she's worried she's not heard from me. Then I'll tell her why - fed up of being taken for granted and sick of her silly relationships dominating and ruining her life.

She's not confident to talk to people in real life, to go out and chat but on social media she talks all kinds of smut with people she's never met. She does have mental health issues, it's true, but she can cope with all the drama of her online quasi-relationships but not real friendships.

I've been robust on occasions with my comments to her, and she has said she welcomes my honesty. But perhaps really she doesn't. She was equally as robust with me in the past when I confided in her about my partner and his annoying behaviour.

I do this, I just stop talking to people. I don't know why. The messages build up on my phone then I can't bare to look at them.

I've lost good friends over the years as they just stop sending messages, then I feel like to much time has passed and now I can't send them a message as I "ignored" them for so long it would be too out of the blue to reply.

Covid has made this much worse. I'm better now but it does often take me weeks to reply to a message.
Although if someone calls me I will answer, if I can, or call them back when I can. If the message is arranging to meet up then I will reply to that.
I think it's some time of anxiety tbh, that's how I feel when I see a message come through, total worry and panic.

Just turn up at her door :)

Maybe her DP fancies you or something so she's limiting contact

I assume she means she would not answer phone calls or texts

She’s ghosting you , time to cut your losses and block her

I would personally back away and give her space. Whatever is bothering her, she doesn’t want to share with you. Hard to accept and sad but that’s the way it is

This.