To want to confront my best friend

[Happyclapper18]

My best friend has suddenly cut contact by 90%. When I contact her she takes days to respond and makes excuses as to why she has no time to call or meet. I know that if I challenge her she will not respond so I feel my only choice is to let it go. This seems so sad as we were very close and had alot of fun over the years
Just can't think how best to react.

In which case you'd tell them the relationship has run its course, not resort to passive aggressive game playing and fizzling out like a coward.

The hostility of your response suggests you too have some work to do.

hmmm. This is really tricky and very sad for you.

it sounds very much to me like you’ve said something or behaved in a way that’s really upset her and made her re-evaluate you as a friend. Try reflecting on the last times you have been together. Have you been judgemental about a third party or bragged a bit about something? Could you have said something about her/her house/her children? Are you sarcastic with her or say things that are close to the bone and then say ‘I was joking!’? I don’t think it’s fixable, but it may be worth analysing your behaviour honestly and trying to see if being friends with you isn’t as peachy as you think….

also, at 50 you’re both certainly peri-menopausal if not actually going through the full blown symptoms. The menopause is so under-rated as a cause of things. I feel like a totally different person than pre menopause. I can’t tell you how much it’s affected everything and totally changed how I feel about myself. She may be going through this but not at the point where she realises what’s going on. People feel embarrassed talking about it. It’s totally crap. That & Covid have really eff’ed me up!

I’d write her a letter
not a long and onerous one
Just one saying you are confused and hurt

Do you not share any close friends that you can ask to go for a coffee with. Do not gossip about the situation. You are meeting because you are hurt and confusedb

Are you the op? Sorry not read full thread

To flip the coin, could she just be overwhelmed with life right now? People tend to lash out/treat those closest to us the worst, maybe shes just struggling with something she doesn't want to discuss right now and she knows you'll be there when she needs you. Send her a text and say you miss her, and you'll be ready for a phonecall/meet up whenever she is. If its nothing you've done, don't take it personally. I know easier said than done, but a few months of lack of contact shouldn't mean the end of friendship.

I have no doubt there will be two sides to this

This

Goes back to the “two sides”

I think it’s the use of the word “grieve” that is perhaps not appropriate

Playing devils advocate OP if this is only two months there could be any number of reasons. I'm in the same boat as your friend, I find it incredibly difficult to make time amidst final exams, a new job, husband changing his work hours and me losing remote working as well as DC having taken on more school clubs. I'm also depressed, waiting on job interviews letting me know if I have a job to go to when my current contract expires and dealing with the aftermath of bullying colleagues from a previous job. I feel guilty for not being in touch with friends, for not wanting to be with them but I physically and emotionally just can't right now and it's a hard thing to explain without seeming an awful person to them. My honest advice would be just send a message saying I know you are really busy right now and it must be tough just know I'm here whenever you're ready or if you need any support then let her come back to you.

No but I have had a sort of similar situation. Not really a slow fade as the OP but a friend who has always expected others to be the one to do the contacting and arranging. She's got anxiety problems so doesn't go out, so any meetings are at her house. That's fine, but that's another issue she needs to overcome. She doesn't have any friends IRL other than me. I got absolutely fed up of being the one to do all the calling round/phoning. She never reads emails or texts. I feel totally irrelevant.

However she has lots of virtual friends, lots of them men who she has got herself into a fair old mess with. None of them have ever met and they've been stringing her on.

It's so annoying when she doesn't make time or bother to get in touch with her oldest, real, flesh and blood friend but has a screaming meltdown when Tom off Facebook for example doesn't answer her calls or mucks her about. She also talks incessantly about herself and her problems. It's not that I don't want to listen or help, but it is constant, incessant, for hours. Any suggestions for practical help are ignored and it's back to talking about the same stuff.

I just left it for about five weeks and she called with the message above.

To be fair
she’s an agoraphobic and sounds like she has bona fide mental health issues and serious ones at that

Does she have children?

Is this to me or the OP? Yes she does, but without being cruel (and to be fair, posters on here don't know her) she milks it and has done forever, before any sign of MH problems (these rose up about 18 months ago). She has been very self-centred all her life. It broke up her marriage years ago. I'm not sure of, or if there is one, a difference between social anxiety and agoraphobia.

No children, no. Two sisters, one local, one at the other end of the country. They have always been exasperated with her.

This might provide an opportunity for a proper chat about how I feel about friendships being a two-way street.

She can talk on the phone for hours and hours to people she's never met in real life (if they are male).

Before anyone comes on and says the problem must be me and I need to take a look at myself, she does exactly the same with her sisters.

No the problem is clearly her
but she clearly has problems… hence the problem!

I've lost contact with another friend as well. We worked together at my previous place of employment. Technically I was his line manager, but when he was made redundant in 2014 we stayed in touch. I met him and his wife on occasion for a drink. He had bowel cancer in about 2012/13 but made an excellent recovery. I was last in touch with him in November 2019 when he asked me for a reference for a job. We kept in touch quite a lot with chat about sport and football over the years.

I never heard back, even though I gave him a reference and asked how the application went. I got a Christmas card that year from him and his wife, and I think I got one in 2020 too but can't remember for sure. Since then I have had no reply to emails, texts or WhatsApps (he's not on Facebook). Last Christmas I sent a card with a letter in, and have heard nothing since.

In view of his health problems a decade ago I am actually terrified he has died. I'd have thought though that if this were the case his wife might have contacted me to advise. I've googled his name and obituary with my heart in my mouth and holding my breath but can't find anything.

I'd rather him be alive and not want to be in touch than the alternative.

I have a good friend who does this sometimes. I have come to recognise it as a sign that her anxiety and depression are high and she needs a little help and understanding.

The OP shouldn't have to be second guessing what she's done wrong, which is very probably nothing.

Yes it is. You can grieve for different things.

This could quite easily be my best friend writing about me. I have two best friends. One, in particular, makes it hard to like her sometimes. So, rather than upset us both, I have taken a step back rather than withdraw completely.

When I’ve processed my feelings and feel ready to engage again, I will.

That's what I've done for the same reasons. So I'm not sure if it is me, or her, that has withdrawn! Actually I think it is me - she just expects everyone to contact her without her making any effort. Spending time with her was getting me down so much and taking so much time. She was involved in some questionable online relationships and not caring for herself. I found it frustrating.

I actually think you are being really hasty and a bad friend. You are making this all about you and how she isn't there for you.

I'm currently having a bit of a hard time. Life just seems really tough and I'm struggling to keep my head above water, do my job, feed my kids etc. There's no obvious cause to this - work isn't particularly stressful or busy, I don't have loads on in my social life, nothing up with my kids or relationship. But I'm just finding life really really hard. So I've not replied to friends as quickly or fully as I would normally. I'm not in the mood for phone calls. I see my best friend almost daily on the school run and I'm not as engaged with her as I usually am. I don't want to talk about it with friends, there isn't really anything to talks about, I'm just in a bit of a fug. I'll come out of it soon and I'll go back to normal socially. Thankfully my friends understand that sometimes life has ups and downs, even when this is very out of character for me.

Step back gently OP - perhaps send a message to say something like “ you know I’m here if you need me - just text/call when you can” and then leave it. Like me and other PPs, she may be someone who doesn’t communicate much when life throws a curved ball - instead gets on with it and talks when things are more settled. Give it a while, then send another “hello - how are you doing?” sort of message if you haven’t heard in a month or two. I appreciate that it’s really difficult, and that you will be worried about your friend as well as irritated at the sudden change in behaviour. Hope all is resolved sooner rather than later.