Page 5 | To want to confront my best friend

Happyclapper18 · 2022-05-09T22:01:46+00:00

My best friend has suddenly cut contact by 90%. When I contact her she takes days to respond and makes excuses as to why she has no time to call or meet. I know that if I challenge her she will not respond so I feel my only choice is to let it go. This seems so sad as we were very close and had alot of fun over the years Just can't think how best to react.

CaveMum · 10/05/2022 09:56

A similar thing happened to me last year with my best friend of almost 20 years.

I only realised when she didn’t get in touch to wish me a happy birthday (my 40th so not an insignificant day!). When I looked back at all our previous contact over the last year or so I had instigated every call/message chat and it had been me arranging meet ups, etc. When I looked on social media I realised she had blocked me.

To be honest I didn’t even bother challenging her over it. I lost all respect for her as she couldn’t be bothered to even say “we’ve drifted apart”. I’ve blocked her back on SM and haven’t had any contact with her in just over a year. I’m sad, and sometimes have a little cry about it, but I’m not a doormat and if she obviously thinks so little of me then I’m not going to chase after her for scraps of attention.

Hadtocomment · 10/05/2022 10:00

Have you considered other possibilities like she might be depressed? Sometimes people can withdraw and it not be anything you've done. She may not feel like she can explain or she may not have any energy at all or she may not know herself what is wrong? Whatever is happening I would maybe consider giving her space for a while and then writing a letter saying you are worried about her and is she ok? If you've offended her in any way you'd like to know so you can try and put it right etc. Do you have any mutual friends who might know what is wrong?

midsomermurderess · 10/05/2022 10:01

‘what’s the point of blocking someone who doesn’t contact you?’. It creates an illusion of control doesn’t it?

whenwillthemadnessend · 10/05/2022 10:06

Could she be struggling with a diagnosis for herself or her family.

Maybe it's menopause. That can in some cases really change A person as she is the right age.

It's could
Be a number of things going on for her so try not to over think

Maybe send her flowers and a card and simply say. Worried somethings not right and if she needs to unburden your there to listen. Don't make it bout you in any way in the card.

I'd do that and then if she doesn't reach out take a massive step back

It's fine to grieve a friendship that collapses but it's hard if you don't know why.

Phobiaphobic · 10/05/2022 10:12

loobylou10 · 10/05/2022 08:40

I think she's being incredibly cruel by this behaviour. You need to step back OP - stop contact and forget her.
Whatever is going on in her head, it literally takes seconds to send a text explaining what is going on. The fact that she hasn't done this means she doesn't deserve your time, friendship or worry.

This. There is no excuse for it.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 10/05/2022 10:37

midsomermurderess · 10/05/2022 10:01

‘what’s the point of blocking someone who doesn’t contact you?’. It creates an illusion of control doesn’t it?

Not just that - but if they decide to unblock you to get back in touch, then they can't. So it's not just an "illusion" of control, you are preventing them from being able to contact you if they change their mind.

DwightShrutesgirlfriend · 10/05/2022 10:46

@Happyclapper18 I'm currently in a similar situation with a friend of over 40 years. I did say to her that if she felt the friendship had run it's course, I would sadly accept that. The reply was "No, no, everything is fine, I'm just busy." She then blocked me. She has also cut contact with my children who are all her godchildren. I think the thing that hurts most is the not knowing. Clearly her version of our friendship is very different to mine, but I think it's cowardly to not give an explanation. I would have loved to have put things right, but I have no idea what went wrong. I'm trying to move on. I haven't blocked her so she can contact me if she wants to, but it's been over six months now. The PP who said it is a bereavement is right.

10HailMarys · 10/05/2022 10:54

So far you've called her childish, juvenile, rude and ridiculous and implied she's over-sensitive. It honestly doesn't sound like you actually like her very much.

Maybe the friendship's run its course. Maybe she's just started to find it a bit much and feels it would be more rude to tell you to give her some space.

She's obviously not keen on confrontations and so on and is the sort of person who would rather just let things go. By contrast, you really want to have it out with her and know exactly what's going on in her head. I think you're very different people, basically. To you, she seems rude and standoffish for reducing contact. To her, you might seem a bit confrontational and dramatic for not letting things go. I don't think either of you is right or wrong, you just have different preferences. I don't think her approach is any less mature than yours.

If someone had cut contact with me by 90% I'd take the hint, I think. I'd feel a bit hurt, but I wouldn't want to 'confront' them or make a big thing of it.

IsabelHerna · 10/05/2022 11:00

Hi, check up on her. People with mental health issues often do this when we relapse.

Southeastdweller · 10/05/2022 11:06

10HailMarys · 10/05/2022 10:54

So far you've called her childish, juvenile, rude and ridiculous and implied she's over-sensitive. It honestly doesn't sound like you actually like her very much.

Maybe the friendship's run its course. Maybe she's just started to find it a bit much and feels it would be more rude to tell you to give her some space.

She's obviously not keen on confrontations and so on and is the sort of person who would rather just let things go. By contrast, you really want to have it out with her and know exactly what's going on in her head. I think you're very different people, basically. To you, she seems rude and standoffish for reducing contact. To her, you might seem a bit confrontational and dramatic for not letting things go. I don't think either of you is right or wrong, you just have different preferences. I don't think her approach is any less mature than yours.

If someone had cut contact with me by 90% I'd take the hint, I think. I'd feel a bit hurt, but I wouldn't want to 'confront' them or make a big thing of it.

‘Letting a friendship go’ without even a text explaining why let alone a face to face conversation is childish and cowardly. I think this former friend thinks she’s back in the school playground.

loobylou10 · 10/05/2022 11:22

@IsabelHerna 'Hi, check up on her. People with mental health issues often do this when we relapse.'

She has tried to check in her many times - time to let go and move on.

GreenForG · 10/05/2022 11:56

beachcitygirl · 10/05/2022 08:08

I have to say this new fashion of ghosting someone of fizzling out contact is abhorrent to me.
If you've been friends with someone for a long time - you owe it to them to give some sort of explanation.
Yes, yes you do. And to all those who have done this &'are angrily getting your backs up now.

Your friend (ex friend) was themselves. If you suddenly found that difficult or something you didn't want in your life. Use your words the first or second time it happens eg. "That's harsh" or "I don't appreciate that" if you don't get the response you appreciate it's absolutely your prerogative to not maintain a friendship. Especially if it's a regular thing. No one is owed your time.

If it was unusual behaviour for them then you should consider if something is wrong in their life & whilst gently reminding that this type of behaviour isn't ok, you should be supportive.

YOUR inability to have adult conversations about your boundaries isn't there fault & frankly ghosting someone is horrific, childish, spiteful & vindictive behaviour.

There is zero excuse. No one on this thread (and I've read them all) had an excuse for this type of behaviour)
@catwomando if I were you I wouldn't have continued that friendship either but I would have told her why. After a long friendship, which presumably you valued at one point (otherwise why the hell were you in it?)

Same goes for all of you.

I watched someone go through this & it was at the worst time in their life when they had been admittedly horrid & pushing people away& being a generally obnoxious person to be around. BUT they were dealing with something horrific.

To see so-called good friends ghost them was appalling, and contributed to their suicide. Yes. It did. The pain upon top of the horror that changed their behaviour, the feeling no one cared.

I hope you all give some thought to this. It takes literally NOTHING to send a text explaining why the friendship isn't for you right now. Then block contact if you like. Especially if (as it seems here, the reason is your own issues or your own problem for not dealing with difficulties in communicating your differing needs earlier & not that the fact that the other person had changed drastically.

This has terribly upset me.
In these days of multiple ways of communicating with another. To leave someone with no explanation is bloody heartless & cruel.

Well said. It’s very selfish and self centred to assume you don’t owe them at least brief text after years of friendship and to assume you played no part in it.

AndSoTonight · 10/05/2022 11:59

10HailMarys · 10/05/2022 10:54

So far you've called her childish, juvenile, rude and ridiculous and implied she's over-sensitive. It honestly doesn't sound like you actually like her very much.

Maybe the friendship's run its course. Maybe she's just started to find it a bit much and feels it would be more rude to tell you to give her some space.

She's obviously not keen on confrontations and so on and is the sort of person who would rather just let things go. By contrast, you really want to have it out with her and know exactly what's going on in her head. I think you're very different people, basically. To you, she seems rude and standoffish for reducing contact. To her, you might seem a bit confrontational and dramatic for not letting things go. I don't think either of you is right or wrong, you just have different preferences. I don't think her approach is any less mature than yours.

If someone had cut contact with me by 90% I'd take the hint, I think. I'd feel a bit hurt, but I wouldn't want to 'confront' them or make a big thing of it.

Quite.

All this drama about "ghosting", she hasn't ghosted. She has explained she can't meet up. OP keeps pushing and pushing.

AndSoTonight · 10/05/2022 12:04

beachcitygirl · 10/05/2022 08:08

I have to say this new fashion of ghosting someone of fizzling out contact is abhorrent to me.
If you've been friends with someone for a long time - you owe it to them to give some sort of explanation.
Yes, yes you do. And to all those who have done this &'are angrily getting your backs up now.

Your friend (ex friend) was themselves. If you suddenly found that difficult or something you didn't want in your life. Use your words the first or second time it happens eg. "That's harsh" or "I don't appreciate that" if you don't get the response you appreciate it's absolutely your prerogative to not maintain a friendship. Especially if it's a regular thing. No one is owed your time.

If it was unusual behaviour for them then you should consider if something is wrong in their life & whilst gently reminding that this type of behaviour isn't ok, you should be supportive.

YOUR inability to have adult conversations about your boundaries isn't there fault & frankly ghosting someone is horrific, childish, spiteful & vindictive behaviour.

There is zero excuse. No one on this thread (and I've read them all) had an excuse for this type of behaviour)
@catwomando if I were you I wouldn't have continued that friendship either but I would have told her why. After a long friendship, which presumably you valued at one point (otherwise why the hell were you in it?)

Same goes for all of you.

I watched someone go through this & it was at the worst time in their life when they had been admittedly horrid & pushing people away& being a generally obnoxious person to be around. BUT they were dealing with something horrific.

To see so-called good friends ghost them was appalling, and contributed to their suicide. Yes. It did. The pain upon top of the horror that changed their behaviour, the feeling no one cared.

I hope you all give some thought to this. It takes literally NOTHING to send a text explaining why the friendship isn't for you right now. Then block contact if you like. Especially if (as it seems here, the reason is your own issues or your own problem for not dealing with difficulties in communicating your differing needs earlier & not that the fact that the other person had changed drastically.

This has terribly upset me.
In these days of multiple ways of communicating with another. To leave someone with no explanation is bloody heartless & cruel.

So basically you are saying that friendships must be conducted on your terms and that's final. OK. I'm getting why you get ghosted!

There is not just one communication style. Maybe you talk loudly and clearly, but that doesn't make a quiet person's style less valuable. If you care for your friends, try to meet them in a way that works for them too rather than demand they use your style.

And no, someone is not required to feedback to you that you are harsh or unkind, as an adult you need to apply a filter and a degree of emotional intelligence if you want friendships to flourish.

Honestly, you sound like a bull in a china shop.

beachcitygirl · 10/05/2022 12:29

@AndSoTonight I've never been ghosted & I've never ghosted anyone.

I conduct my friendships with calm & respectful conversation & give space when requested. No one owes anyone their time but I simply believe it is wrong and cruel to end a friendship, Note the word - friendship, not acquaintance) without paying someone the respect of actually ending it.

You sound very immature if you cannot maintain adult friendships & let them go, in as kind a fashion as possible when required. Wether that be because of an unforgivable act or simply that a friendship has run its course. Their is never an excuse for just behaving like a child and rubbing away leaving someone wondering or hurt.

I feel sorry for you.

BoDerek · 10/05/2022 12:53

@DingDongBellPussysInTheWell

i agree with you that pandemic life has done a number on friendships. Some people have become relentlessly negative and others seem to have flourished.
All of us have had to adapt, and to deal with a great deal of uncertainty and worry, and we all have different capacities for coping.
I had to unfollow people who kept posting huge rants about people following:not following rules, lockdowns etc. So much anger!

Whereverilaymycat · 10/05/2022 13:17

@ThumbWitchesAbroad exactly. Blocking someone gives you the control back. Rather than no messages being on their terms, the zero contact is because they physically can't contact you - which you've decided.
So rather than wasting time wondering whether today you'll get a response, message or call, you know you won't.
It's kind of giving yourself some closure on a situation you didn't get any.
On the face of it, probably doesn't make any sense. If someone has ghosted you, they're not phoning your phone off the hook. But just the act of doing something can make you feel better.

Whereverilaymycat · 10/05/2022 13:21

I should add I don't think that's what should be done here for now. I'd give her the benefit of the doubt a bit longer and be available if she needs you. If she doesn't contact you in what you think is a reasonable amount of time, then you may have to let her go.
I had a friendship end and I was bereft. I did know why, but it was extremely difficult. I went to a counsellor for a few sessions to get a non biased opinion and help to get over what had happened. Really helped and worth considering if you can run to it.

MRex · 10/05/2022 13:25

I think you should just leave her alone. It was fine to ask clearly what's wrong, but up to her whether she feels able to answer that or not.

I'm no longer in touch with an old school friend, because at a certain point it became clear that she was making no effort towards being a friend to me and everything was to be on her terms. I just couldn't be bothered any more, I have actual friends and family to spend my time on who actually contribute to my life. It took years for contact to fizzle out, but I really don't think taking her to task with "wah wah you are so selfish" would have helped either of us. Had she ever asked me if anything was wrong then that would have been unusual, and I don't know what I would reply, but I'd probably tell her. She won't ever do that though, because she's too self-absorbed.

ChairCareOh · 10/05/2022 15:04

This reply has been deleted

Withdrawn at the user's request

AndSoTonight · 10/05/2022 17:13

beachcitygirl · 10/05/2022 12:29

@AndSoTonight I've never been ghosted & I've never ghosted anyone.

I conduct my friendships with calm & respectful conversation & give space when requested. No one owes anyone their time but I simply believe it is wrong and cruel to end a friendship, Note the word - friendship, not acquaintance) without paying someone the respect of actually ending it.

You sound very immature if you cannot maintain adult friendships & let them go, in as kind a fashion as possible when required. Wether that be because of an unforgivable act or simply that a friendship has run its course. Their is never an excuse for just behaving like a child and rubbing away leaving someone wondering or hurt.

I feel sorry for you.

You know, for someone describing themselves as calm and mature, you sure come across as angry and bitter.

Nothing mature about calling another poster immature for pointing out that not everyone ascribes to your black and white rules about friendships.

It must be exhausting policing everyone around you like this.

AllyCatTown · 10/05/2022 21:21

On the one hand I do think it’s rude to just cut contact if you’ve got a history and been close but on the other, friendships don’t work like intimate relationships. Contacting a friend with a “we need to talk” message and then “breaking up” with them isn’t something that’s really expected. Maybe it should be more common as I guess it’s more polite than avoiding them.

AllyCatTown · 10/05/2022 21:24

Also, I think some of the advice here is bad. If she’s read your messages then you know she’s aware you’re trying to be friends and she can act on that. Sending cards and flowers just seems OTT. You don’t know why she’s not in contact. If she were going through a divorce etc then maybe something like that would be taken well but if it’s just that she doesn’t want to spend time with you then that just comes across badly.

beachcitygirl · 10/05/2022 21:42

@AndSoTonight
This is an opinion board. It's my opinion that ghosting is spiteful & wrong. I've witnessed someone take their own life after being on the receiving end. You're own behaviours/guilt/immaturity/lack of reading comprehension caused you to misread my post & assume I was talking about my own experience.

You're wrong. Now have some grace, educate yourself as to how opinion forums work & let me say this. This conversation has nowrun its course so I'm ending my conversation with you & will engage no further. Namaste sweetie.

Wavygravy1 · 10/05/2022 21:49

Daydreamsinsantafe · 09/05/2022 23:21

This could be my friend writing about me but as always there are two sides.

My friend has some behaviours that I’ve come to find intolerable but I can’t discuss them with her because one of the intolerable behaviours is her always being right. It’s just pointless trying to speak to her so I don’t.

Not suggesting that’s you of course but it’s very unlikely anyone you consider a good friend doesn’t have a reason. Maybe give some thought to the dynamic of your relationship.

@Wavygravy1 what’s the point of blocking someone who doesn’t contact you? I always wonder this when people say they’ve blocked someone. Unless they’re harassing you what’s the point? Genuinely don’t understand the psychology!

The point is I don’t want to sit around thinking why isn’t she messaging me, when will she message me etc. by blocking her I’m taking her ability to message me away so I am not spending time worrying about whether she will or won’t.