Page 7 | To want to confront my best friend

CrankyFrankie · 11/05/2022 20:02

My best friend from school did this in our 20s. I still haven’t got to the bottom of ‘why’ and our mutual friend won’t get involved. It was heart wrenching and a complete mind f’ck and it took me years to fully accept it. Try and get some answers if you can, but you probably need to start the process of moving on.

Letsbekindplease · 11/05/2022 20:08

We have a friend doing the same. 15 plus years of friendship and over the last few years she’s taken a step back but this year has totally washed her hands of us. I really couldn’t care less as it is very rude and she makes time for her new friend group.
if I were you just accept cut your losses and let it be done. People are so rude sometimes. It baffles me.

brainfog22 · 11/05/2022 20:09

beachcitygirl · 10/05/2022 08:08

I have to say this new fashion of ghosting someone of fizzling out contact is abhorrent to me.
If you've been friends with someone for a long time - you owe it to them to give some sort of explanation.
Yes, yes you do. And to all those who have done this &'are angrily getting your backs up now.

Your friend (ex friend) was themselves. If you suddenly found that difficult or something you didn't want in your life. Use your words the first or second time it happens eg. "That's harsh" or "I don't appreciate that" if you don't get the response you appreciate it's absolutely your prerogative to not maintain a friendship. Especially if it's a regular thing. No one is owed your time.

If it was unusual behaviour for them then you should consider if something is wrong in their life & whilst gently reminding that this type of behaviour isn't ok, you should be supportive.

YOUR inability to have adult conversations about your boundaries isn't there fault & frankly ghosting someone is horrific, childish, spiteful & vindictive behaviour.

There is zero excuse. No one on this thread (and I've read them all) had an excuse for this type of behaviour)
@catwomando if I were you I wouldn't have continued that friendship either but I would have told her why. After a long friendship, which presumably you valued at one point (otherwise why the hell were you in it?)

Same goes for all of you.

I watched someone go through this & it was at the worst time in their life when they had been admittedly horrid & pushing people away& being a generally obnoxious person to be around. BUT they were dealing with something horrific.

To see so-called good friends ghost them was appalling, and contributed to their suicide. Yes. It did. The pain upon top of the horror that changed their behaviour, the feeling no one cared.

I hope you all give some thought to this. It takes literally NOTHING to send a text explaining why the friendship isn't for you right now. Then block contact if you like. Especially if (as it seems here, the reason is your own issues or your own problem for not dealing with difficulties in communicating your differing needs earlier & not that the fact that the other person had changed drastically.

This has terribly upset me.
In these days of multiple ways of communicating with another. To leave someone with no explanation is bloody heartless & cruel.

This.

I've been fortunate in having very longstanding friendships with no falling outs, but have seen a friend (who admittedly, at times might be a bit sensitive and anxious, perhaps some might call her 'needy') go through this with someone - no idea of the reason - and it was horrible to watch.

For those who want to stop a friendship, be honest if you feel you can communicate this in a respectful way. If you don't feel you can do this (and it is a difficult one because, as have been noted many a times on here, there are always 2 sides to a story), just explain that you are going through a period where you need space and that you probably won't be able to reply to messages regularly or commit to anything socially for the foreseeable future, but that you will be in touch as and when.

That's all. Ghosting is abhorrent whatever the reason.

Cliftontherocks · 11/05/2022 20:13

Happyclapper18 · 09/05/2022 23:01

My best friend has suddenly cut contact by 90%. When I contact her she takes days to respond and makes excuses as to why she has no time to call or meet. I know that if I challenge her she will not respond so I feel my only choice is to let it go. This seems so sad as we were very close and had alot of fun over the years
Just can't think how best to react.

I had this and I posted on here and lots of people told me to drop her and I’m pleased that I didn’t. I phoned her and she wasn’t there and I said ‘right I’ve phoned you to say this- all the contact is one way, you cancelled this at short notice and buggered up this etc and then when you want something you ring me and get angry when I don’t pick up and I’m mad at you. Fine if you don’t want to be friends or just use me - fine I get the message. I said it nicely but that was the thrust of it’

she phoned me in tears an hour later and when over the shit in her life and then said I was moving forward due to counselling but she wasn’t and she was struggling to come up
wirh stuff to talk to etc

much much better now and I’m glad I said it -

Titsywoo · 11/05/2022 20:21

I think you shouldn't rush to write off the friendship. I am the sort of person who contacts my friends a lot and organises the majority of social occasions but over the last 2 months I had a serious health scare and a near nervous breakdown because of it. I didn't want anyone to know and to be honest I spent so many days in bed and not entirely in my right mind I barely remember most of the weeks since early March. Several friends contacted me in that time and I ignored a lot of messages as I didn't want to end up in a conversation about what was happening. I was barely functioning on a day to day basis.

I'm much better now and have contacted friends in the last week but I can imagine some were getting pretty pissed off in those 2 months!

Ortega888 · 11/05/2022 20:27

You say your friend is sensitive and you have to be very careful what you say. I have a friend who tells it like it is and tells me I am sensitive but sadly she’s over bearing and tells it like it is without a thought to how it upsets me. She cannot see how she belittles me and has an opinion on everything and everyone. Some people have different personalities and we don’t all agree on everything. sometimes we forget to be diplomatic with dealing with friends. You could have put your foot in it like my friend did and it’s give and take in a relationship but if you haven’t said anything to upset her then just leave her be. You say your friend tells you everything but have you ever made comments or criticised her have you said anything at all to upset her or have you snapped at her. Be brutally honest look
around the time when things changed and can you maybe give her some space and leave her a message saying I miss chatting to you and I value our friendship call me when you have chance to catch up. If she’s still avoiding your calls I would move forward without her. Let us know how you get on.

BOOTS52 · 11/05/2022 20:40

She may just be going through a personal crisis and is not able to deal with other's at the moment. Just be patient and text that you are there when she is ready to talk and then let her be. Why are people saying to block her etc. She may be having a hard time or depressed or stressed with work or family as just not able to deal with people now.

Yellowhase · 11/05/2022 20:49

There could be 2 sides to this. I have a good friend who I have realised hasn’t got my best interests at heart. She has come across as jealous at times. I have had a tough time lately and she doesn’t understand at all. Sometimes people change sadly. Maybe message and ask her if all is ok?

bananamuffin89 · 11/05/2022 21:20

Happyclapper18 · 09/05/2022 23:01

My best friend has suddenly cut contact by 90%. When I contact her she takes days to respond and makes excuses as to why she has no time to call or meet. I know that if I challenge her she will not respond so I feel my only choice is to let it go. This seems so sad as we were very close and had alot of fun over the years
Just can't think how best to react.

Does she have a partner ? I've heard of similar things happening to women and friends and it's been down to controlling partners :/

Shortkiwi · 11/05/2022 21:21

My best friend of 43 years broke up with me 6 years ago and I’m still grieving. It was a massive shock. The hurtful thing is that she has reacquainted with mutual friends, one after 20 years. One of the reasons for the split was that she perceived me to be acting in a superior manner at times and that I wasn’t aware of it. I look back and think I was maybe defensive because she genuinely never had much time in her life to meet me. She is irreplaceable and I still feel bereaved, it has been difficult to move on. It hurt that she couldn’t see the good in me at the end. As someone earlier posted, counselling might be the way forward for me and others.

Paisleypattern · 11/05/2022 21:41

It's not so hard just to write to someone explaining that you feel that you don't have much in common anymore, so have decided not to stay in touch.

Confusion101 · 11/05/2022 22:00

Yellowhase · 11/05/2022 20:49

There could be 2 sides to this. I have a good friend who I have realised hasn’t got my best interests at heart. She has come across as jealous at times. I have had a tough time lately and she doesn’t understand at all. Sometimes people change sadly. Maybe message and ask her if all is ok?

Absolutely agree with everything here. Have a friend the exact same. It has taken me quite a number of years and frustration in our friendship to realise she does not have the qualities that I deem important in a friendship! I've become distant with her as I don't want to end the friendship, but through my own personal growth I have learned not to give our friendship as much energy as I previously did. Its not good for me. I'm not going to text her and say "sorry... I have realised your personal traits aren't actually that nice" so the easiest thing to do was create distance!

ImJustMadAboutSaffron · 11/05/2022 22:01

Well interestingly I have had a voicemail from my friend. In a whining little girl voice asking "Have we fallen out? I haven't heard from you. I was going to text but thought I'd call. I know you are probably annoyed with me but you know what I'm like with the phone".

I will get back to her but a) in my own time and b) will tell her why I am fed up of a oneway relatonship where I feel unvalued.

Lbushsgkm · 11/05/2022 22:04

Pinkwithwhite · 11/05/2022 19:23

I do this, I just stop talking to people. I don't know why. The messages build up on my phone then I can't bare to look at them.

I've lost good friends over the years as they just stop sending messages, then I feel like to much time has passed and now I can't send them a message as I "ignored" them for so long it would be too out of the blue to reply.

Covid has made this much worse. I'm better now but it does often take me weeks to reply to a message.
Although if someone calls me I will answer, if I can, or call them back when I can. If the message is arranging to meet up then I will reply to that.
I think it's some time of anxiety tbh, that's how I feel when I see a message come through, total worry and panic.

Just turn up at her door :)

OMG are you me

Reallyhadenough · 11/05/2022 22:43

@Happyclapper18 I could have written this, my best friend delayed responding to messages so I stopped sending them (40 year friendship, godmother to my 4 children) I stopped making an effort, then I bumped into her and said "give me a ring sometime" her reply was "YOU have my number!!!!"
Nobody needs 'friends' like that!!!

FuzzyDonkey · 11/05/2022 23:30

Goodness, this sounds familiar! A similar thing has happened to me over the past few years with an old school friend. Everything seemed fine between us, although I loved abroad so we would message every now and then and catch up when I visited the UK. We flew back especially for her wedding several years ago, and met up with her around 6 months after that, all seemed totally fine.

I ended up moving back to the UK to study for a bit, around the time she had a baby. I even posted her a gift, which she never acknowledged nor thanked me for (so I still wonder if it was even delivered).

Well, nearly 3 years ago now, we finally arranged a time to meet, and my other half and I booked a hotel in London and traveled down to meet her / her baby for lunch. She messaged to say the baby had been up all night, she couldn't make it, we can rearrange some other time. I responded and said no problem at all, I completely understand, she must be exhausted, etc, and we can do another time next month. Well, that message was left unread. And the message I sent to follow up and arrange a new date a month later also left unread.

Three years have passed and she has never unfriended me on social. She occasionally likes an Instagram post, but that is it. Messages STILL unread (so there's no chance it was an accidental muting, as surely at some point in 3 years she would have looked me up again.)

The whole thing has been seriously hurtful and made me question my entire personality and sanity. Did I do something wrong? Was I an awful friend? I've analysed every tiny detail of each interaction and our life. I'm at the point now where I will probably unfriend her soon, as I mentally gave her 3 years to reconnect, and she hasn't. It is basically a very hurtful and cowardly way to end a 20-year friendship, and particularly awful when you learn this woman workls in mental health and has 2 master's degrees in various psychology / social work / mental health related subjects!

You have my sympathy, OP. It is so hurtful and awful when this happens. Their loss, I say.

JoeGio · 11/05/2022 23:33

It's probably not this but as I haven't seen anyone else suggest it- could there be a financial reason OP? I only ask because I got a bit distant with my best friend at one point because I was in a very different financial position to her and all our usual meet-ups seemed to involve going somewhere I couldn't afford - but I knew if I told her that, she was so kind she'd just offer to pay for me and I'd have felt embarrassed and awkward and humiliated.
Many people are being hit really hard by the cost of living crisis and if you usually go out for dinner to nice restaurants etc, maybe she can't afford to at the moment?
Whatever the reason, I'd leave the ball in her court for now, try to focus on other friendships and wait to see if she eventually comes back.

Frankie2018 · 12/05/2022 04:21

I would check if your friend is OK OP. I isolate myself when I'm depressed and anxious.

LisaSimpson77 · 12/05/2022 04:29

It's very telling actually that you've jumped straight to calling her childish, a waste and juvenile and are talking about wanting to confront her. You're not concerned about her at all, just the impact it has on you. Maybe this gives insight into why she's backing away 🤷🏽‍♀️

CloudPine · 12/05/2022 04:57

Sometimes you just go off a person.

CloudPine · 12/05/2022 06:14

AndSoTonight · 10/05/2022 12:04

So basically you are saying that friendships must be conducted on your terms and that's final. OK. I'm getting why you get ghosted!

There is not just one communication style. Maybe you talk loudly and clearly, but that doesn't make a quiet person's style less valuable. If you care for your friends, try to meet them in a way that works for them too rather than demand they use your style.

And no, someone is not required to feedback to you that you are harsh or unkind, as an adult you need to apply a filter and a degree of emotional intelligence if you want friendships to flourish.

Honestly, you sound like a bull in a china shop.

Show quote history

I agree with @beachcitygirl on this. There is so little emotional intelligence about in so many people’s interactions. People opt for passive aggression which is profoundly cowardly and crazy-making for those on the receiving end.

I’ve been through similar friendship shifts these last two years. Covid made a friend of mine very anxious and very angry with me, and a rift opened up that we’ve not resolved yet. To begin with, I tried to initiate an open discussion, where I told her how hurt I was. I wanted an apology for insults that had been said. But she wasn’t open to speaking openly and it was left unresolved. We’ve only recently had a more Frank exchange about what happened, but our friendship is changed forever.

There were issues there before this happened; I have spent these recent years reevaluating our friendship. It’s time to accept things have changed, but I think we’ve both left the door open for future interactions.

I grieved this friendship for a while. It’s like a bereavement, isn’t it?

Ddot · 12/05/2022 07:13

Go over and see her, something has happened either you did something unknowingly or she has misunderstood something. Hope it's just a silly, that can be resolved

MRex · 12/05/2022 07:46

I grieved this friendship for a while. It’s like a bereavement, isn’t it?
No, someone thinking you're a dick and talking to you less than usual for a while accordingly is nothing at all like a much loved friend dying where they are gone forever. You're just very self-absorbed in unfortunately, work on that.

KatieC0811 · 12/05/2022 07:49

Seriously... grow up 🥲 people drift apart, and sometimes people don't want to have a conversation about it, there's probably nothing you've done she just doesn't feel connected anymore. She's not being an arse 🙄 move on

Southeastdweller · 12/05/2022 08:18

MRex · 12/05/2022 07:46

I grieved this friendship for a while. It’s like a bereavement, isn’t it?
No, someone thinking you're a dick and talking to you less than usual for a while accordingly is nothing at all like a much loved friend dying where they are gone forever. You're just very self-absorbed in unfortunately, work on that.

You're very limited in empathy if you really think that you can only grieve for someone who's dying or dead.