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Original poster

To want to confront my best friend

219 replies

Happyclapper18 · 09/05/2022 23:01

My best friend has suddenly cut contact by 90%. When I contact her she takes days to respond and makes excuses as to why she has no time to call or meet. I know that if I challenge her she will not respond so I feel my only choice is to let it go. This seems so sad as we were very close and had alot of fun over the years
Just can't think how best to react.

OP posts:
CJsGoldfish · 10/05/2022 00:15

Can’t you just text
”Have I done something to upset you?.Please be honest.”

That just seems too easy 🙄
But, yeah, have you thought of doing that OP? Or asking her if she's ok?

Iamnotokifyouarenotok · 10/05/2022 00:21

I personally wouldn’t suggest that I had done something wrong. That kind of gives an excuse for her behaviour. The ball is in her court so just wait to hear from her .💐

Original poster
Happyclapper18 · 10/05/2022 00:24

I do think that she wishes she hadn't told me about certain things but I've been equally honest. We don't have any mutual friends and she knows she can trust me. It's weird how I sometimes think she doesn't like me knowing so much but then she freely shares stuff.

OP posts:
Greyandgloom · 10/05/2022 00:26

Tbh I’m like your friend and I won’t deny it, I tend to disappear for a while when I’m incredibly stressed over things and re-emerge when the dust has settled in my life so to speak. I find it incredibly draining when I have a lot going on. I do suffer from depression though and the only people I manage to maintain contact with during that time is my mum and my husband, it’s never anything personal towards my friends I just need to get my head straight. Maybe she just needs abit of time to herself ?

Original poster
Happyclapper18 · 10/05/2022 00:29

Thank you Kat I think you are right. That sounds very much like her. I quess I'll just have to sit it out.

OP posts:
Innocenta · 10/05/2022 00:30

@Happyclapper18 Given that you're both in your fifties, I'd say you should give her more time. I know it must be absolutely awful, but this sounds to me like there is something going on with her. It could be that she's been through something she doesn't want to share or it could be (I hope not, of course) something medical. With a long and important friendship, I think it's worth waiting to see. Spend time with other friends and focus on yourself - I hope she comes back to you.

AndSoTonight · 10/05/2022 00:32

Daydreamsinsantafe · 09/05/2022 23:21

This could be my friend writing about me but as always there are two sides.

My friend has some behaviours that I’ve come to find intolerable but I can’t discuss them with her because one of the intolerable behaviours is her always being right. It’s just pointless trying to speak to her so I don’t.

Not suggesting that’s you of course but it’s very unlikely anyone you consider a good friend doesn’t have a reason. Maybe give some thought to the dynamic of your relationship.

@Wavygravy1 what’s the point of blocking someone who doesn’t contact you? I always wonder this when people say they’ve blocked someone. Unless they’re harassing you what’s the point? Genuinely don’t understand the psychology!

Me too. Half wondered if it was me you were talking about! One of my closest friends has behaved quite badly the last few times we've met up culminating in a very unpleasant weekend away. Received a text, sorry about that, after the weekend then carried on as usual. I haven't seen her since. At first I made my excuses as I was trying to figure out how to handle it but now I have texted her to explain that I hadn't enjoyed our last few catch ups and wanted to take a break. So it isn't me because I have explained, but I do understand being the other person in this scenario.

DailySheetWasher · 10/05/2022 00:35

It's common advice on here when people have been hurt... just go low contact, become unavailable, they'll get the message eventually etc etc.

ICannotRememberAThing · 10/05/2022 00:39

Bearing in mind you have asked her directly if you have done something wrong and she hasn’t replied I would take that as your answer. She’s avoiding talking to you for some unknown reason.
You could leave it where it is now or send one last message saying that you care for her and hope she is ok before leaving it firmly in her hands.
Try to get on with your life OP. It’s sad I know.

hellsbells99 · 10/05/2022 00:42

I would just give her some space. She might be stressed or depressed. Hopefully she will be back in touch properly when her head is in the right place. It happens to most of us at times.

GreenForG · 10/05/2022 00:45

@DingDongBellPussysInTheWell Unless your friend is monologging at you about people I’m sure you’re probably bitching too. I had a friend who was obviously tearing others apart when she got home to her DH but pretended to be asking innocent questions about other people. It’s a classic mean girls trick.

Pallisers · 10/05/2022 00:53

I'd also just give her some space.

I am usually pretty good with friends but I went through a stage in my life about 15 years ago when I simply couldn't manage friendships as well as all the other stuff going on - elderly parents abroad getting ill, my sister falling out with me, rearing 3 children with one of them having significant mh issues and then a full time job too. On the surface anyone looking at me would have said I was managing fine but I only managed by paring back completely on other interactions. I was probably a bit like your friend - texting back but avoiding meeting up or any big conversations. I felt very bad about it but it was the only way I could manage. My friends bided by thank goodness.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 10/05/2022 01:06

I think at this stage I'd give her a few days to respond, then if you hear nothing, send her a card in the post saying that you're thinking of her, hoping that she's ok and letting her know that you're always there to help out when she's ready to talk.

And then let it go.

The reason I suggest card rather than text is because texts are like a conversation and tend to expect a response, whereas a card is just an expression of feeling and doesn't demand a response. BUT it's also a visual reminder of you and your thought for her, which may prompt her to reply when she's in a better headspace.

It may be that she's struggling with some big issue that no one else knows about, it may be that she's taken offence at something, it may be nothing to do with you at all - but if she IS struggling, then repeated contact may be adding to her burdens rather than helping (although for some, just knowing someone is still thinking about them does help, even if they can't respond at the time).

Hence my suggestion of the card - it doesn't have any expectations attached to it.

Good luck!

Ottersmith · 10/05/2022 01:29

I think you should give her some space. We don't owe other people our time. She could have anything going on and you are making it about you.

The best friends I have are the ones that know when to leave you alone and still be your friend even after long periods of no contact. When I've got stuff going on I don't want to always be pandering to a needy friend. When I have a friend who calls me every week and doesn't take the hint when I don't answer I feel very claustrophobic and trapped by them.

Just tone it down and accept that she needs space. If you were good friends that's what you should do.

AndSoTonight · 10/05/2022 01:39

Happyclapper18 · 09/05/2022 23:09

Ses so childish and such a waste
We helped each other through really tough times and always got on so well. I just can't think why this has happened. Need to let it go but its like loosing a family member.

You keep calling her childish and you also describe her as "very sensitive" which is often how a bulldozer type "friend" describes anyone who doesn't appreciate their harsh delivery. I think you need to respect her wish to not be in touch. Maybe she's just had enough of you. She owes you nothing. She knows you want to be in touch and now you need to step back.

Aussiegirl123456 · 10/05/2022 02:24

I thought you were taking about me there for a second as I’m currently trying to ignore a friend.
I have tried talking to her about boundaries and me needing a little space (eg I can not see her daily and talk on the phone all day). It goes in one ear and out the other. I have no option now other than to just take a big step back from her and unfortunately that has meant ignoring the majority of her calls and texts. If she turned up at my home - like you said you’re planning to do to your friend, I’d be seriously annoyed and it’d be the end of our friendship. You calling her childish etc isn’t nice. Maybe she’s given you clues she needs time away from you but you’ve ignored and just carried on pestering her with contact anyway.

AllyCatTown · 10/05/2022 02:55

Have you reflected on the last few times you met up? Was there anything from those which could suggest a reason?

Like others say I’d just leave it and try to concentrate on other things. Some people just need space and crowding them makes them less likely to come back.

LikeAStar1994 · 10/05/2022 04:43

An unpopular opinion on here but nobody is that busy. It takes seconds to send a text.

I was ghosted by an online friend whom I was very close to. He lives in the USA and we met on a comic strip website. He stopped replying to my comments and emails.

He still comments on there now and again so I know he's still alive. His last one was 7 days ago. I've been waiting since 2018 for an explanation. It took me a long time to get over this and my self esteem was shattered. I grieved, I cried, I was asking myself "What did I do?" However I'm feeling much happier in my life now.

Fuck him.

SomersetONeil · 10/05/2022 04:52

She clearly wants time and space.

I would give it to her.

AndSoTonight · 10/05/2022 05:06

LikeAStar1994 · 10/05/2022 04:43

An unpopular opinion on here but nobody is that busy. It takes seconds to send a text.

I was ghosted by an online friend whom I was very close to. He lives in the USA and we met on a comic strip website. He stopped replying to my comments and emails.

He still comments on there now and again so I know he's still alive. His last one was 7 days ago. I've been waiting since 2018 for an explanation. It took me a long time to get over this and my self esteem was shattered. I grieved, I cried, I was asking myself "What did I do?" However I'm feeling much happier in my life now.

Fuck him.

I don't think people are suggesting that she is "too busy" though perhaps she is too busy to give it the headspace it may require to get the OP to back off.

I think the consensus is that she clearly wants space from the OP but the OP keeps pushing. Keep doing the same thing and you get the same result.

Honestly, being the "other person" in this scenario is tough. If you send a polite no, they keep pushing, if you don't, they throw a tantrum.

Tormundsbeard · 10/05/2022 05:29

Maybe she needs a break from the friendship? For whatever reason?
Let her know that you are there for when she wants to get back in touch.

not saying this is what is happening here, but I had a long term friend who I found a bit needy. She would get upset if I hadn’t got in touch when it was ‘my turn’ (this was pre-mobile era). I got tired of feeling guilty/obligated and stopped calling her/ returning her calls. She stopped trying after a while and we had a friendship break of many years. We are now back in touch, and she has asked me what happened but I said it was nothing specific, as I thought being honest would upset her. Perhaps there were ways of phrasing what the issue was at the time, or now, but I couldn’t think of how to do so. Or maybe I was just being selfish. In an ideal world I would have shared what was upsetting me, but couldn’t find the words to do so.

Vikinga · 10/05/2022 05:31

You don't sound nice about her op. Childish etc, maybe she doesn't like being judged?

Or is your situation good now but you became friends over mutually bad time? One of my friends went really weird when I was in a happy relationship after supporting me (and me her) dir9ng years of relationship breaking down. She said I was too busy now to see her when in fact it was her who didn't want to meet up because of covid restrictions (she didn't want to expose her dad to covid).

Or she's busy or has some stuff going on or is menopausal or depressed etc.

But confronting is a weird way of dealing with something like this and to me indicates why she wants to avoid you!

BruceAndNosh · 10/05/2022 05:47

whiteroseredrose · 09/05/2022 23:08

There might be something going on.

This happened with a friend of mine. We all relocated but she was out of contact for about 18 months.

Turned out that her marriage was breaking down and she had met someone else.

A close friend of mine pulled back from her friends when her marriage was breaking down

MyrtlethePurpleTurtle · 10/05/2022 06:12

TaranThePigKeeper · 09/05/2022 23:29

Why is it that so often people talk about ‘confronting’ others? Why be so dramatic? If you’re friends and something’s wrong, surely you ring them and ask if they’re okay, because they’re acting out of character? No confrontation needed, just a conversation between friends. If she’s going through something awful in her life, she’s unlikely to confide in you if you ‘confront’ her like something off Jeremy Kyle. If you call and are genuinely concerned and supportive, you might be able to help, and then you won’t have to come to terms with letting the friendship go.

This!

Bobbins36 · 10/05/2022 06:15

Don’t do this. I’ve been in your friends position and life was much easier for me to go NC with a narcissistic person in my life who I realised was an unhealthy relationship to have - not saying this is the case with you - but your friend will have her reasons. It’s fairly clear she doesn’t want contact so just respect that.