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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to confront my best friend

219 replies

Happyclapper18 · 09/05/2022 23:01

My best friend has suddenly cut contact by 90%. When I contact her she takes days to respond and makes excuses as to why she has no time to call or meet. I know that if I challenge her she will not respond so I feel my only choice is to let it go. This seems so sad as we were very close and had alot of fun over the years
Just can't think how best to react.

OP posts:
catwomando · 10/05/2022 08:10

@beachcitygirl you are right. Instead i seethed, was resentful and did an ostrich. Not my finest hour, and I've learned from it hence the advice to OP to write a letter.

lilkiki · 10/05/2022 08:11

@beachcitygirl yeah not everyone is going to commit suicide after being ghosted. The guilt trip is fully unnecessary
yea ghosting is childish and hurtful and all tbe other mean adjectives but it’s highly unlikely
to be the cause of suicide
you don’t owe anybody friendship or contact

StageRage · 10/05/2022 08:11

‘Confront’, ‘call her out’… A steam of messages about how childish and juvenile she is, she sounds avoidant, you are reacting aggressively.

Just leave her be.

Lindisfarne1 · 10/05/2022 08:19

Beachcitygirl

I totally agree x

Shitandhills · 10/05/2022 08:21

@beachcitygirl totally agree, very eloquent post.

lilkiki · 10/05/2022 08:23

StageRage · 10/05/2022 08:11

‘Confront’, ‘call her out’… A steam of messages about how childish and juvenile she is, she sounds avoidant, you are reacting aggressively.

Just leave her be.

Fully agreed
all sounds a bit scary if I’m honest

beachcitygirl · 10/05/2022 08:30

lilkiki · 10/05/2022 08:11

@beachcitygirl yeah not everyone is going to commit suicide after being ghosted. The guilt trip is fully unnecessary
yea ghosting is childish and hurtful and all tbe other mean adjectives but it’s highly unlikely
to be the cause of suicide
you don’t owe anybody friendship or contact

I'm not responsible for your guilt. Sorry to have reminded you of it.
I did say no one is owed your time.
But we are talking about friendships here, not acquaintances.

One does owe a friend an explanation if one is ending the friendship.

Nowhere did I say it caused the suicide, the horror that person was dealing with had brought them to the depths of despair
but
the ghosting by so called friends left them feeling alone & that absolutely 100% contributed to the suicide.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 10/05/2022 08:33

Nowhere did I say it caused the suicide, the horror that person was dealing with had brought them to the depths of despair

You did say they were one of the causes:

To see so-called good friends ghost them was appalling, and contributed to their suicide.

I'm so sorry for your losses but it was a terribly unfair thing to say.

Fingeronthebutton · 10/05/2022 08:40

You have to accept your friends feelings.
I’ve been where you are, and still am. Our friendship was over 50 years long.
we often joked about people in our lives that we really didn’t want to see anymore but the people weren’t taking the hints that we were giving out, as your friend is now.
I accept that either I’ve changed or she’s changed and our friendship wasn’t one she was enjoying.

loobylou10 · 10/05/2022 08:40

I think she's being incredibly cruel by this behaviour. You need to step back OP - stop contact and forget her.
Whatever is going on in her head, it literally takes seconds to send a text explaining what is going on. The fact that she hasn't done this means she doesn't deserve your time, friendship or worry.

beachcitygirl · 10/05/2022 08:45

youvegottenminuteslynn · 10/05/2022 08:33

Nowhere did I say it caused the suicide, the horror that person was dealing with had brought them to the depths of despair

You did say they were one of the causes:

To see so-called good friends ghost them was appalling, and contributed to their suicide.

I'm so sorry for your losses but it was a terribly unfair thing to say.

Yup. One of the causes. Absolutely. Not the cause.
If you're going to comment, be accurate.

Ghosting is heartless cruel behaviour & im so heartened that so many agree with me.
Such a cruel & pointless thing to do. If the guilt trip hat fits, wear it.

ApolloandDaphne · 10/05/2022 08:47

I imagine she maybe has something going on in her life and just can't manage to respond to you just yet. She may have MH issues, family issues or be unwell.I struggle to respond to people when I have a lot of stress and anxiety in my life. In your shoes I would send a message saying that you are concerned about her and when she is ready to get in touch and catch up you will be there for her. That is what friends do. They give space when it is needed and are there when they are needed.

Southeastdweller · 10/05/2022 08:52

I’ve been there and my god it hurts. Ghosting someone is so cowardly and very hard to come to terms with. Somehow you need to find a way to grieve for the relationship, I wish I could recommend something but the passing of time helps a little.

YouOKHun · 10/05/2022 08:53

I never thought I’d be the Ghoster but I am, or at least I have really distanced myself from a friend who I saw once a week, who lived and still lives just a few roads away, who knew my parents (relevant) who also lived a few roads away, we both had a child in the same year at school up until a couple of years ago.
I will say that COVID has driven a coach and horses though many friendships for a lot of us and I don’t think my situation would have happened without COVID. Like you OP I’m in my 50s.
This is a bit long but it’s just an example of the ghoster’s perspective! If I bumped into this friend I would never be rude but I’d be very brief but polite.

When the first lockdown started she’d been aware my DF was really ill with cancer. He’d been rushed to hospital and because we were no longer allowed in to his ward as it was oncology and those wards were closed to visitors before many other parts of our hospitals.
The last day I saw her in person we met for coffee and I had no idea if he was alive and was waiting for a call from the hospital after he’d been taken in to hospital in the early hours, so she knew the situation. I realised later that she never asked whether he’d survived but was too busy to reflect on it at the time.

The months rolled by and my family was one of those that lost members to COVID and had the difficulty of nursing someone with cancer during lockdowns etc. I was aware that I’d not heard a word from her, but times were strange and I was busy with my DF’s care and trying to hold down a busy job.
I sent her a couple of messages but she didn’t respond and only got in touch once because she wanted some information about a someone we both knew who had a new job she wanted to know all about, but no ‘how are you?’ Or ‘did your dad survive by the way?’!
Then a year after I’d last seen her my DF died during the last lockdown. It was horrendous, traumatic with no care available. My DM was and still is deeply traumatised by the manner of his death at home. His funeral happened, the weeks rolled by and still not a word from my friend, not even a few words in a text. I know she knew he’d died.

It hurts that something so big for me is not even worthy of a mention. After about six months she texted me because she wanted the lowdown on a mutual friend’s daughter getting expelled from school. I ignored the text. She texted again recently to say let’s meet for coffee but I haven’t responded; at first I was upset but now I have no desire to see her because what do I say? “I’m fine thanks” or “my dad died” I don’t want to share anything with someone who doesn’t care.
I do know she has said to a mutual friend that I’m being ‘weird” but I’m just in such a different place now and the cliche that in difficult times you find out who your friends are is absolutely true.

CuntAmongstThePigeons · 10/05/2022 08:57

With all due respect OP, you sound a little intense. The fact that you're thinking of calling time on a friendship because she has said she's busy is a bit much.

I can tell you now our friendship would never have survived!!!! I have weeks, sometimes months where I or one of my friends goes totally off grid. We know they'll come back, we simply wait until they're ready. At least she is actually staying in contact, it's not as though she's ignoring you. Just give her some space.

Honestly I would not have a single friend if I reacted the way you have to some friends behaviour. Or Indeed if they treated me the way you want to treat your friend. As it is I have many, many loved and cherished friends because we're all quite easy going and understanding of when life gets in the way! Or even just you need a bit of peace and quiet!

beachcitygirl · 10/05/2022 09:00

@YouOKHun that doesn't seem like ghosting to me. She's treated you appallingly, there doesn't seem like a friendship there & ghosted you unless it's about her.

I would still think it's best to text her & say (words to the effect of)

I'm not being weird, stop talking about me to orhers. I realised that you don't care about me only yourself & i no longer wish to pretend to be friends. And then I would never engage again. But like I say I don't see your behaviour as ghosting. More mutual disinterest.

CuntAmongstThePigeons · 10/05/2022 09:03

I don't why people keep saying the OP has been ghosted. She hasn't. Her friend has replied on numerous occasions. Just not in the way OP wants her too.

Southeastdweller · 10/05/2022 09:12

Of course it’s ghosting. The friend - who was formerly close to OP - has cut contact by 90%, doesn’t reply to OP’s calls, replies to her texts in a formal way and they used to do things together. The friend has done a massive turnaround in how she relates to OP.

PatchworkElmer · 10/05/2022 09:15

I’d back right off now- you’ve asked if you’ve done anything to upset her. Ball’s in her court.

Squillerman · 10/05/2022 09:18

She might have a lot going on right now and she’s struggling to maintain contact with you or anyone for that matter. I’d send a quick message asking if everything is ok because you’ve noticed she hasn’t contacted much recently and see what she says. It may also be that you’ve unknowingly done something to upset her and she’s cutting contact rather than telling you.

CuntAmongstThePigeons · 10/05/2022 09:20

Well if she's still in contact it's obviously not ghosting. It just sounds like she needs some space. I don't understand why if you've been such good friends for so long you wouldn't respect that.

The best friendships are the ones with no pressure. The friendships you can not speak for a year but as soon as you're together it's like you never were apart.

You don't know what's going on in her life right now, anything could have happened. Illness, bereavement, work issues.

Just respect the fact that she's obviously struggling maintaing the level of contact you want right now and cut her some slack.

I'm guessing none of the people who are calling this ghosting have had mental health issues? I and many of my friends have and some days I can't even get out of bed or get myself a glass of water let alone keep up with my friendships by text. Hence why we are all so understanding of dipping in and out of each others lives.

Forgothowmuchlhatehomeschoolin · 10/05/2022 09:27

I have had this with a friend of over 30 years so have said to her l am here if and when she wants me.
Has taken me time but have accepted it now that our friendship has probably run its course but l won't lie, it was like a bereavement.

grapewines · 10/05/2022 09:31

StageRage · 10/05/2022 08:11

‘Confront’, ‘call her out’… A steam of messages about how childish and juvenile she is, she sounds avoidant, you are reacting aggressively.

Just leave her be.

This!

Definitely don't go to her house.

Metabigot · 10/05/2022 09:34

Whilst I wouldn't go so far as your friend, I have recently put an old, very good friend 'on hiatus' as she really upset me the last time we met, and wouldn't let me talk about it. I wouldn't actively ignore her but I just need some space from her to process it, I know if I tried to confront her she's be all 'what do you mean!' and pretend nothing was wrong and I'm just making a fuss.

I'm not going to ignore her if she contacts me but the friendship has cooled and I don't feel like making any effort to stay in touch with her at the current time.

This may not be your issue at all, but if there was a problem do you think your friend would feel safe to raise it? It's unusual for long term good friends to fall out or go off the boil without there being a reason.

Can you ask her if something is wrong?

Swayingpalmtrees · 10/05/2022 09:35

youok I would tell her quite politely that you no longer consider her to be a friend and were disappointed by the total lack of support after the loss of the your father, and you would prefer that she stopped messaging you. Ignoring her messages will prolong things. You would be best advised to snuff out the lingering bad feeling, she behaved in a selfish way and sounds like a gossiper that isn't actually interested in people or friends just fodder. You are well rid.