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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

'They need to spend time with us alone'

775 replies

Loco323 · 09/05/2022 15:20

Me and DH have two young DC (toddler and baby). He also has two older DC from his previous relationship who are 9 & 12.

We fell out the other night about something and I'm not sure if I'm being unreasonable.

Basically he was saying we need to spend some time with older DC on our own, take them out somewhere or whatever so, in his words, they still feel special to us.

I get what he's saying about feeling special and he does have 1 on 1 time with them a lot, whenever he wants, I'd never stop him. But from my POV I don't know why this needs to involve me.

My parents help out with our DC (for which I'm very grateful!) whenever we need it and have done quite a lot when me and DH have gone out together or with friends so he's saying to ask them to watch our DC whilst we take out the older ones maybe once every month or so.

I've said no. He's okay to have one on one time whenever he wants but I'm not shipping my children off so I can join. I don't see the need. Apparently I don't show them any focus anymore since having our DC... Hmm what does he want from me? I'm perfectly nice and get on with both of them really well but I don't think we need loads of one on one time or to make a big fuss about them being special to me.

They don't live with us 24/7 they have a very involved mum so not like they need that from me.

Quite happy to go out as a family but don't see why I need to join these special 1 to 1 trips. AIBU?

OP posts:
Tirediam · 09/05/2022 15:22

You’re not being unreasonable at all

PaddleBoardingMomma · 09/05/2022 15:33

I don't see why giving up one afternoon a month to make your husband abs two little kids happy. I think it's a nice idea, and if more step parents did it maybe we would have less threads about blended families not getting on.

You sound disinterested to me, I'm sure your husband is disappointed. You know how much you love your own children, so you just understand how much he loves them and wants them to have a bond with you?

Dads can't win really. If he wasn't making an effort he'd be called a shitty dad. And when he tries, the new woman shoots the idea down in flames.

PaddleBoardingMomma · 09/05/2022 15:34

*I don't see why why giving up one afternoon is such a big deal when it will make them happy

mewkins · 09/05/2022 15:37

I don't feel you're being unreasonable. The kids probably want to spend time with their dad anyway. If all the kids were a similar age it would be weird to leave the two shared kids out in order to spend time with the older two.

Onlyforcake · 09/05/2022 15:38

They are children in your family. Children that age do need a certain amount of input and are still easily hurt by things they might misconstrue as being pushed out. So why wouldn't you? It sounds like he's right.

MichelleScarn · 09/05/2022 15:44

Of course you're not unreasonable, would he expect this to happen forever?! What when the dc don't want to be made to leave their home to facilitate this?

WhatTheWhoTheWhatThe · 09/05/2022 15:44

I suppose my main issue is his expectation that your parent pick up the extra baby sitting slack to facilitate this.

offer for him to look after the little ones whilst you do something one to one with the other two

Ameliarosethistle · 09/05/2022 15:45

It would be a lovely thing to do for two little kids who didn't ask to be in this situation. They will see their half siblings benefiting from living with both their Mum and Dad who love them so they are at a disadvantage. You don't need to love them as much as your kids but they do need to feel accepted and cared for.

AllFreeOwls · 09/05/2022 15:47

Why is it your parents you are expected to pick up the slack? Why not his own parents?

Firelogbridge · 09/05/2022 15:50

Why is it up to you to organise childcare for younger dc? In principle it would be good to have time with older ones, doing an age appropriate activity that can't be done with babies but I wouldn't want to use my babysitters for this, unless it was a one off thing (concert etc).

Ohdoleavemealone · 09/05/2022 15:53

I think time as a family and time for the DC with Dad is enough. I don't see why they need outings with you but not their siblings. Is it because he thinks they may be upset that your youngest 2 get time with the two of you together?

Gazelda · 09/05/2022 15:53

I can sort of see his point. But it hardly sounds as though you're excluding them from your family life when they're with you. I get the impression you spend a good amount of family time together.

By getting your youngest 2 cared for while you spend 'special' time with the older ones, might that risk reinforcing the feeling that they are different to their younger siblings.

Perhaps a nice compromise would be for DH to look after the younger ones for a short amount of time while you're all out together, while you focus on the older ones. Eg he minds the tots while you play with the bigger kids on the swings. So you're all out as a family, but your switching focus for a short while.

SwayingInTime · 09/05/2022 15:53

Sounds like a great idea and I would have enjoyed the older kid activities but with two caveats: you have excess babysitting to spare (we didn’t) and he sorts it (mind wouldn’t have). In principle though, waking up to his folks spoiling the little ones for the day and me off to falconry/ dry slope skiing/ planetarium/ whatever with DH and big kids sounds great. Also assuming you don’t work full time mon-fri in this scenario.

Discovereads · 09/05/2022 15:54

I don’t think his request for once a month is “loads of one on one time” or “a big fuss”. I think you’re being a bit unreasonable to view it so extremely. There is a large age difference between them and the younger DC so it seems unfair to only do family things that can accommodate the little ones. There are probably tons of activities they’d like to do and are the perfect age for. I’d be agreeing with your DH even if the older DC were yours as well.

Its literally only 12 times a year. There are more bank holidays than that. Doing this will improve your bond with them as a step mother without depriving your DC. Your DC will get a chance to know their grandparents better. I think it’s all win win.

The other 3/4ths of the time, sure do things as a family altogether. When the older ones are teens, you’ll both be doing special 1 on 1 with just the little ones by then.

Dixiechickonhols · 09/05/2022 15:54

I do think it would be a nice thing to do to get to know step children better and be able to have a day out the 4 of you. A little would probably go a long way. You don’t have to but if your husband wants it would it hurt to accommodate. He can sort babysitting for 2 little ones I agree not fair if it’s always you getting your parents to babysit.

Dunrobin · 09/05/2022 15:55

Does it have to be a special day out with extra babysitting from grandparents? Why can't you spend time with the older two at home in the evening when the little ones are in bed? That's what we have always done and it works well. Bring out the films, games, activities, snacks, drinks etc that are appropriate for the older ones but not the younger ones, and let them enjoy some "older child time" with you and DH that way.

coffeecupsandfairylights · 09/05/2022 15:56

I actually don't see the problem with his suggestion at all - I think it sounds like a good idea.

Original poster
Loco323 · 09/05/2022 15:58

Also assuming you don’t work full time mon-fri in this scenario.

Why would you assume that? I do work FT.

I don’t think his request for once a month is “loads of one on one time” or “a big fuss”

Surely it is loads of time though when you're expecting other people to look after our DC? Whilst my parents are great and so helpful, I don't feel able to just keep asking so when does this leave the opportunity for me and DH to do things during the month or go out with friends? Once every 4 weeks expecting my parents to have them for the night is a lot, especially when there are other things I'd like to do with the time my DC are with them 🤣

OP posts:
Indicatrice · 09/05/2022 15:58

YANBU, that will be super weird for your own dc when they are older, being sent off to grandparents so that their older siblings can have time with parents.

Your DH is over-compensating out of guilt. What does he want you to focus on? Is he trying to get you to do more housework and childcare for his kids?

Original poster
Loco323 · 09/05/2022 15:58

Why can't you spend time with the older two at home in the evening when the little ones are in bed?

We do this all the time!

OP posts:
Dunrobin · 09/05/2022 16:00

Then I would just stick to saying no, you are not going to send the younger ones away just so you can spend time with the older ones when you already do that anyway.

SamphirethePogoingStickerist · 09/05/2022 16:03

As ever I am of the "ask when his ex will be taking your two so they don't feel left out when his kids go home to their mum" train of thought.

His kids need quality time with their dad and their extended family. So that is with him, without you and your dc, and with all of you. They don't need specific special time with you and him, I'd suggest that might piss off their mum.

But mainly the first thing... When do your kids get to go to their siblings other home so they don't feel left out? He is being daft. Doubtless he is trying to head off trouble, but going about it the wrong way.

Original poster
Loco323 · 09/05/2022 16:03

Me working also means weekends that I do spend with my DC are precious. I probably meet with friends or go out with DH once a month for some adult only time. Doing this on top would mean I either don't do that or I spend two weekends out of 4 without my DC after working all week and relying on my parents to facilitate that.

OP posts:
MinnieMousie · 09/05/2022 16:04

You're not unreasonable... however I would personally suck it up and do it for a couple months to make your DH and the kids happy for a while then eventually have a sit down with your DH and tell him how you feel and how you don't actually feel comfortable doing thing all the time, and how you'd prefer if he'd go alone- or you'd be willing to tag along occasionally but just not all the time.

I feel like you just need to reach a middle ground here somehow.

gamerchick · 09/05/2022 16:05

Tell him fine but he can sort the childcare out and it won't involve your parents.

Job done.