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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

'They need to spend time with us alone'

775 replies

Loco323 · 09/05/2022 15:20

Me and DH have two young DC (toddler and baby). He also has two older DC from his previous relationship who are 9 & 12.

We fell out the other night about something and I'm not sure if I'm being unreasonable.

Basically he was saying we need to spend some time with older DC on our own, take them out somewhere or whatever so, in his words, they still feel special to us.

I get what he's saying about feeling special and he does have 1 on 1 time with them a lot, whenever he wants, I'd never stop him. But from my POV I don't know why this needs to involve me.

My parents help out with our DC (for which I'm very grateful!) whenever we need it and have done quite a lot when me and DH have gone out together or with friends so he's saying to ask them to watch our DC whilst we take out the older ones maybe once every month or so.

I've said no. He's okay to have one on one time whenever he wants but I'm not shipping my children off so I can join. I don't see the need. Apparently I don't show them any focus anymore since having our DC... Hmm what does he want from me? I'm perfectly nice and get on with both of them really well but I don't think we need loads of one on one time or to make a big fuss about them being special to me.

They don't live with us 24/7 they have a very involved mum so not like they need that from me.

Quite happy to go out as a family but don't see why I need to join these special 1 to 1 trips. AIBU?

OP posts:
Tamzo85 · 09/05/2022 17:14

@catelina

Judging from the tone of a lot of the posts on here Id say she’s not wrong, though against the law might be a step too far.

ancientgran · 09/05/2022 17:15

I think it depends on what your relationship with them was like before you had your own two. If you were much like you are now then fair enough carry on, if you made a big effort with them, did lots with them, wanted to show what a lovely step mother you were then it isn't nice to stop that.

Once a month might be a bit much but occasionally wouldn't hurt.

MiddleParking · 09/05/2022 17:15

This children are your family. With a huge age gap in a family it’s really common to do things exclusively with the older ones from time to time

It’s not really that common at all these days to have four children and/or a huge age gap between them. Go and post on AIBU that you propose to do so and you’ll get a comprehensive list of ways in which your resources will be stretched too thinly. I imagine no one will suggest that if this transpires to be an issue you could simply have your new spouse and in-laws collaborate to recreate the conditions of your only having two.

Stylishkidintheriot · 09/05/2022 17:15

My suspicion here is that he wants you there to pick up the donkey work while he sits and fannies about on his phone.

the kids might actually love having their dad to themselves sometimes. It irritates the life out of me that my dad never sees me without his wife or partner in tow

Original poster
Loco323 · 09/05/2022 17:16

I would have a movie night once the little ones are in bed or something, not a day out. That will still make them feel special. Some popcorn, fizzy juice, whatever.

We do this all the time! In fact we all stayed up last night and watched a TV show together until gone 10!

OP posts:
Tamzo85 · 09/05/2022 17:17

OP your last post about your husband making a big deal about his children coming to stay like they are VIP’s and them being “completely spoilt”, really does make it sound as though you resent them.

Think about how you attitude is affecting innocent kids and how that will affect their relationships with their siblings (you know your children) and your relationship. You never know, your own kids may be in the same situation as his one day if you can’t see eye to eye on this.

aSofaNearYou · 09/05/2022 17:18

Booboobibles · 09/05/2022 17:06

I’m always really disappointed with the attitude toward step children on here. It’s once a month for goodness sake!

Why not, instead of resenting stepchildren and seeing them as not your responsibility (and I say that to the majority on here), see them as extra children for you to love and have a nice relationship with? Then the step children might love you back. Just a thought!

Once a month is a quarter of all weekends a working parent has. Most aren't able to take time for themselves that often, let alone other kids. It's not something other working parents have to deal with and many (like yourself) struggle to imagine the reality of that.

Perhaps people would not "resent their stepchildren" and would have a nice relationship with them if they didn't constantly have people like yourself and OPs husband judgmentally nagging at them to give more of themselves than it is reasonable to expect. It does rather put you off.

DaisyQuakeJohnson · 09/05/2022 17:18

Loco323 · 09/05/2022 16:51

Why does living with your parents mean you don't need to spend quality time with them on MN?

Watch you don't hurt yourself with that leap Hmm
Most parents who live with their DC spend lots of quality time with them - not just at weekends and it doesn't have to be timetabled in.
Your post reads as though you don't spend any time on MN at all. Are you new here?

tomatoandherbs · 09/05/2022 17:19

So OP

you would NEVER ask anyone to babysit if you and DH wanted to go out and have lunch or dinner at a friends? Not without your biological children

ancientgran · 09/05/2022 17:19

MountainDewer · 09/05/2022 16:58

YANBU.
there are only 4 weekends a month… he wants you to spend 25% of your precious downtime with HIS kids?
No way!

He hasn't suggested she spend one whole weekend with them. Say it is one afternoon once a month, that is nowhere near 25%.

Indicatrice · 09/05/2022 17:21

@ancientgran OP has updated that he does it expect to be night/s away.

MiddleParking · 09/05/2022 17:21

tomatoandherbs · 09/05/2022 17:19

So OP

you would NEVER ask anyone to babysit if you and DH wanted to go out and have lunch or dinner at a friends? Not without your biological children

Oh dear, it is a bit complicated isn’t it? Bless you.

Luculentus · 09/05/2022 17:21

Sounds like you need to go for a compromise where you do this once every two months, ideally on the basis that your husband sorts out babysitting for the youngest that doesn't involve your parents.

JennieLee · 09/05/2022 17:21

I haven't read the whole thread.

But the nature of family life meant that I would sometimes do particular things with my stepchildren. They were quite 'ordinary' things. For example if neither their mum or dad was free I'd go to a school parent's evening or to a secondary school open day and then report back. I might give one stepchild a lift somewhere while their Dad stayed at home and looked after the others.

I think it is through the ordinary things that you make a relationship, and this all felt fairly natural.

Increasingly there seems to be a stress on 'quality time' 'making memories' or - in this case - including you in what are essentially 'Disney Dad' activities. It all sounds a bit forced to me...

DinoWoman · 09/05/2022 17:24

There's no way in hell would I give up precious quality time with my own DC to do something just with DSC if I worked full time!

gwanwyn · 09/05/2022 17:24

BetsHilton I was thinking similar - my parents had no childcare so it was all of us till we were teens and coudl be left for days out and one to one time was few are far between.

We've been similar no childcare - though I think overall DH and I have spent more time with the children but that's more changes in parenting.

As OP is working all week - I expect mornings and evenings are very busy and not quality time making weekends much more important so losing any of it with her children would be upsetting - as she says her step children do have a mother who will be doing thing with them - while her children have her and a Dad who seems to prioties his older children.

Spontaneous outings with older step children fair enough but every month - I think that would just stoke resenetment. It sound like she already spends a fair bit of time with her step children doing things already.

MarvellousMay · 09/05/2022 17:25

How will the younger two feel when they are old enough to realise their dad wants to spend time alone with his older DC but not them?

He should be taking the younger ones out by themselves too.

The idea that you get someone to watch the younger ones so both their parents can spend time with their older siblings seems crazy to me. It will just segregate the children and cause resentment. It’s a no from me.

EmilyBolton · 09/05/2022 17:27

PaddleBoardingMomma · 09/05/2022 15:33

I don't see why giving up one afternoon a month to make your husband abs two little kids happy. I think it's a nice idea, and if more step parents did it maybe we would have less threads about blended families not getting on.

You sound disinterested to me, I'm sure your husband is disappointed. You know how much you love your own children, so you just understand how much he loves them and wants them to have a bond with you?

Dads can't win really. If he wasn't making an effort he'd be called a shitty dad. And when he tries, the new woman shoots the idea down in flames.

The way I look at it. If they were all joint kids , would you be shipping off younger children to grandparents while you take older 2 out? Maybe very occasionally for an age related event that younger can’t attend, or a school event. But not for standard family time. Family time is just that…all together ..you don’t pick out certain kids form the mob to make them feel special…they are ALL their fathers children.
besides if he wants younger ones babysitting to be able to have time with his own kids on their own why the hell are her arenas being roped in..surely his parents have a bigger stake in that to do him a favour.

FabulousKilljoys · 09/05/2022 17:29

It’s not really that common at all these days to have four children and/or a huge age gap between them

Sorry, what? @MiddleParking maybe not where you live, but the average family in my city has 5 children. In my street alone the least amount of kids in one house is 4. Age gaps are still a thing too. So that's a bit of a sweeping statement.

ittakes2 · 09/05/2022 17:30

He feels his children need this - my husband is really important to me so if he told me he felt his children needed something...I would support him just as I would want him to support me if my children needed something.
If they were your biological children you would understand that they need extra attention so they don't feel they have been pushed aside by much younger children who need your time.

tomatoandherbs · 09/05/2022 17:30

DinoWoman · 09/05/2022 17:24

There's no way in hell would I give up precious quality time with my own DC to do something just with DSC if I worked full time!

Even if it was really important to your husband, the father of these DC in question

RitaFaircloughsWig · 09/05/2022 17:33

FabulousKilljoys · 09/05/2022 17:29

It’s not really that common at all these days to have four children and/or a huge age gap between them

Sorry, what? @MiddleParking maybe not where you live, but the average family in my city has 5 children. In my street alone the least amount of kids in one house is 4. Age gaps are still a thing too. So that's a bit of a sweeping statement.

Really? Where do you live? This is really unusual.

FabulousKilljoys · 09/05/2022 17:34

If they were your biological children you would understand that they need extra attention so they don't feel they have been pushed aside by much younger children who need your time.

Exactly. You see posts about this all the time on here, people saying make sure you have one to one time with older children when the younger ones come along. It's certainly what I've done in my family as the age gaps between my older ones and younger ones are substantial. And upthread I mentioned how we also did this with my step children as they're even older still.

LowlandLucky · 09/05/2022 17:34

It is all well and good posters saying YABU but i think it is bloody unreasonable to be asking your parents to give up another day a month to look after your children when they already do so much. Maybe those that voted YABU will have the solution to that.

WonderingWanda · 09/05/2022 17:34

I don't think you are being unreasonable but I can also see where your husband is coming from. Think about it this way, I have a 9 yo and 12 yo and if I had a baby I would totally do days out without the baby so they didn't miss out on age approriate activities and they'd also get my undivided attention. Now of course your step children are not yours but if you ever used to be involved in their lives pre your own dc then I can see that they might feel a bit left out.

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