Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

'They need to spend time with us alone'

775 replies

Loco323 · 09/05/2022 15:20

Me and DH have two young DC (toddler and baby). He also has two older DC from his previous relationship who are 9 & 12.

We fell out the other night about something and I'm not sure if I'm being unreasonable.

Basically he was saying we need to spend some time with older DC on our own, take them out somewhere or whatever so, in his words, they still feel special to us.

I get what he's saying about feeling special and he does have 1 on 1 time with them a lot, whenever he wants, I'd never stop him. But from my POV I don't know why this needs to involve me.

My parents help out with our DC (for which I'm very grateful!) whenever we need it and have done quite a lot when me and DH have gone out together or with friends so he's saying to ask them to watch our DC whilst we take out the older ones maybe once every month or so.

I've said no. He's okay to have one on one time whenever he wants but I'm not shipping my children off so I can join. I don't see the need. Apparently I don't show them any focus anymore since having our DC... Hmm what does he want from me? I'm perfectly nice and get on with both of them really well but I don't think we need loads of one on one time or to make a big fuss about them being special to me.

They don't live with us 24/7 they have a very involved mum so not like they need that from me.

Quite happy to go out as a family but don't see why I need to join these special 1 to 1 trips. AIBU?

OP posts:
Youaremysunshine14 · 09/05/2022 16:06

Once a month sounds too much but the way you say you're happy to book parents to babysit to go out with friends but not to facilitate doing activities with your stepchildren does come across as harsh. It sounds like you just can't be arsed, and I wonder if it's that attitude that's upset your DH? Do you and he go anywhere with them as a family for a treat when they're with you, with your DC too?

KermitlovesKeyLimePie · 09/05/2022 16:07

YABU

BowerOfBramble · 09/05/2022 16:08

Did you spend a lot of time with them/bond a lot with them before you had your own kids? Maybe they miss you and feel you're less interested in them now you have had your babies. Do you think they might feel that way? Dealing with this is probably about trying to shift that feeling (or his perception of it) rather than anything silly like you, H and his kids hanging out together once a month. For example, how about he takes the little kids away for a night/out for the day and you hang out with your stepkids at home or at an activity they'd enjoy (like the cinema and pizza)? I reckon one or two things like that a year where you give them your undivided would probably be enough.

FabulousKilljoys · 09/05/2022 16:09

I don't think it's a big ask. In families where there's an age gap between kids it's nice to sometimes just do stuff with the older ones. My step kids are older than my DC and when I was married to their dad we made a point of doing something just with them occasionally so they didn't feel like we only did kiddy stuff, and vice versa.

I don't see a problem with prioritising your step kids once a month. I'm assuming you prioritise your own kids every day of the week.

Original poster
Loco323 · 09/05/2022 16:10

Youaremysunshine14 · 09/05/2022 16:06

Once a month sounds too much but the way you say you're happy to book parents to babysit to go out with friends but not to facilitate doing activities with your stepchildren does come across as harsh. It sounds like you just can't be arsed, and I wonder if it's that attitude that's upset your DH? Do you and he go anywhere with them as a family for a treat when they're with you, with your DC too?

Surely you can appreciate there is a difference though between just having a night off from being a mum and spending time with other adults for a break than just booking in babysitting to spend the time being with children and still being 'parent'. I may as well just bring all the DC. It's not a break.

Yes we do go out as a family and he does things with them alone too.

OP posts:
notangelinajolie · 09/05/2022 16:12

You aren’t being unreasonable and it’s your choice of course but actually I think you should give it a go. It’s not much of an ask - just one day every now and then.

You say you don’t have a problem with ‘shipping’ your kids off to grandparents when you want to go out with friends - so I’m struggling to see why you are so against doing the same for family. And they are family ..

Original poster
Loco323 · 09/05/2022 16:15

You say you don’t have a problem with ‘shipping’ your kids off to grandparents when you want to go out with friends - so I’m struggling to see why you are so against doing the same for family. And they are family ..

Because one is having a break myself from being a parent, the other is doing it to just go and be a parent some more. If I'm doing that I'd rather just have my kids with me.

I work full time, want to spend time with my DC and also want a break for myself every now and then. It doesn't really leave much room for this every 4 weeks too, unless I give up time for myself or time with my DC.

Every now and then is different, once a month is far too much.

OP posts:
Sally872 · 09/05/2022 16:17

Dh should spend time with them if they need time with dad without siblings doing things more interesting to older kids if that's needed. You've said your happy with that.

Step kids and sibling should also spend time together. And it's too much babysitting to ask your parents.

Reassure dh that nice idea but it's not practical for babysitter, not a reflection on your feelings for step children. He can take them himself sometimes and you both can spend time with just the stepkids in the evening and have movies or boardgames etc when younger ones in bed.

Original poster
Loco323 · 09/05/2022 16:17

I'm assuming you prioritise your own kids every day of the week

We don't make a point of sectioning off a Saturday every month to take just them out making sure their siblings can't come, no.

OP posts:
Youaremysunshine14 · 09/05/2022 16:17

Of course there's a difference, I was just pointing out that the way you've expressed you're happy to do one but not the other sounds harsh. But if you do stuff as a family anyway, I think your DH is being unrealistic about making it a once a month thing. The occasional cinema trip or visit to zoo etc as just a foursome doesn't seem like that big an ask though?

Hellodarknessmyoldpal · 09/05/2022 16:18

I think it sounds like a nice idea. If once a month seems a bit much then maybe just making the effort to do it regularly (ish) is a good compromise.

Sally872 · 09/05/2022 16:19

Getting a babysitter for some child free time is completely different to getting a babysitter to spend time with your other children, and at that I doubt it is once a month they are out together.

SwayingInTime · 09/05/2022 16:19

I assumed you didn’t work full time mon-fri because in that case it really is a daft suggestion on your DH’s part. Not workable at all.

Original poster
Loco323 · 09/05/2022 16:19

The occasional cinema trip or visit to zoo etc as just a foursome doesn't seem like that big an ask though?

No it's not. I don't have a problem with the odd occasion naturally occuring or once or twice asking my parents for the day whilst we go out somewhere, but every month is ridiculous imo.

OP posts:
CamsPaisleyCuffs · 09/05/2022 16:20

Does he take either of his 2 oldest out individually? You know, so they feel they are getting one to one attention? Honestly, when my little sisters came along I never remembered being taken out separately by my mum so I still felt "special", I just accepted that extra siblings appeared and they tagged along. We were a family 🤷‍♀️

Are there any extra siblings at mum's house?

Original poster
Loco323 · 09/05/2022 16:21

I'll say okay so long as he arranges a baby sitter for the older ones the next weekend and we take our DC ou without them. I'm sure he wouldn't agree to that!

OP posts:
Ponoka7 · 09/05/2022 16:21

Once a month is a big ask given that you work ft. It would be nice to do something every few months, theme park, no CE meal out or Christmas markets without the littler ones. You've really got to work at keeping the relationship going around 13/14 and it's nice if they have the space to talk to you both, rather than the time being taken up by toddlers/primary age.

Original poster
Loco323 · 09/05/2022 16:22

CamsPaisleyCuffs · 09/05/2022 16:20

Does he take either of his 2 oldest out individually? You know, so they feel they are getting one to one attention? Honestly, when my little sisters came along I never remembered being taken out separately by my mum so I still felt "special", I just accepted that extra siblings appeared and they tagged along. We were a family 🤷‍♀️

Are there any extra siblings at mum's house?

No oddly it's like the older two are just one person. He never spends time with them separately and I can't imagine him ever agreeing to leave one of them behind whilst he took the other out. It's like he sees them as just two separate pairs.

OP posts:
wordler · 09/05/2022 16:22

I would go for a compromise. Do it occasionally - maybe once every couple of months, make it a special big kid activity that wouldn't be suitable for the very little ones. You'll build lovely family memories that they can turn around and do with their younger siblings when they are older.

Sapphirensteel · 09/05/2022 16:23

How many pieces does your DH think he can split you in? I can see that in an ideal world you and he would spend time alone with his older dc but in reality when you have two small children and work f/t that’s not realistic. He can spend time with his kids, no problem. You could say a couple of special occasions in the year but you’re right, you can’t ship your children out to accommodate his, life doesn’t work like that.

Original poster
Loco323 · 09/05/2022 16:23

He does spend time with them alone together if that makes sense. I.e. he'll take both the older ones out for 1 on 1 time together. But he'd never just take the 10 year old and leave the 12 year old for example. They do everything as a pair.

OP posts:
Ponoka7 · 09/05/2022 16:23

@Loco323

"I'll say okay so long as he arranges a baby sitter for the older ones the next weekend and we take our DC ou without them."

What can't you do with them alone that you can't with the eldest there? That's the difference. Did you play doting SM until you had your own? It isn't unusual to get babysitters to do age appropriate stuff FF when you have a big age difference in biological children.

Youaremysunshine14 · 09/05/2022 16:24

Loco323 · 09/05/2022 16:19

The occasional cinema trip or visit to zoo etc as just a foursome doesn't seem like that big an ask though?

No it's not. I don't have a problem with the odd occasion naturally occuring or once or twice asking my parents for the day whilst we go out somewhere, but every month is ridiculous imo.

So tell your DH that. Why has he got such a bee in his bonnet about it being once a month? You mentioned he thinks you don't show them any focus since you've had your DC – is that a fair criticism? Do you sit/ play/ talk with them when they're at yours?

PleasantBirthday · 09/05/2022 16:25

Nice of him to volunteer you to sort out your parents for regular babysitting so you can both spend time with his children.

What else can you and your parents do for him?

Original poster
Loco323 · 09/05/2022 16:25

I think one of the thing that gets me too is I never hear him suggest this about our younger DC. No then we always have to include DSC so they don't feel left out. And God forbid if I ever specifically said I didn't want DSC to come somewhere so we could just spend time alone with the younger ones... He'd not like that at all.

OP posts: