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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

'They need to spend time with us alone'

775 replies

Loco323 · 09/05/2022 15:20

Me and DH have two young DC (toddler and baby). He also has two older DC from his previous relationship who are 9 & 12.

We fell out the other night about something and I'm not sure if I'm being unreasonable.

Basically he was saying we need to spend some time with older DC on our own, take them out somewhere or whatever so, in his words, they still feel special to us.

I get what he's saying about feeling special and he does have 1 on 1 time with them a lot, whenever he wants, I'd never stop him. But from my POV I don't know why this needs to involve me.

My parents help out with our DC (for which I'm very grateful!) whenever we need it and have done quite a lot when me and DH have gone out together or with friends so he's saying to ask them to watch our DC whilst we take out the older ones maybe once every month or so.

I've said no. He's okay to have one on one time whenever he wants but I'm not shipping my children off so I can join. I don't see the need. Apparently I don't show them any focus anymore since having our DC... Hmm what does he want from me? I'm perfectly nice and get on with both of them really well but I don't think we need loads of one on one time or to make a big fuss about them being special to me.

They don't live with us 24/7 they have a very involved mum so not like they need that from me.

Quite happy to go out as a family but don't see why I need to join these special 1 to 1 trips. AIBU?

OP posts:
Irishshamrock · 09/05/2022 16:25

is this guilt speaking from his side?

HairyScaryMonster · 09/05/2022 16:27

In theory if I had 4 biological children with that age gap I'd be spending time with the older 2 separate to the younger two sometimes.

I presume they have a later bedtime so you could do a movie night or board games when the little ones are already in bed?

I think it's a nice idea but I wouldn't be using favours more than every few months to facilitate though.

Original poster
Loco323 · 09/05/2022 16:27

Ponoka7 · 09/05/2022 16:23

@Loco323

"I'll say okay so long as he arranges a baby sitter for the older ones the next weekend and we take our DC ou without them."

What can't you do with them alone that you can't with the eldest there? That's the difference. Did you play doting SM until you had your own? It isn't unusual to get babysitters to do age appropriate stuff FF when you have a big age difference in biological children.

I thought it was about focusing on them to make them feel special? So surely we should also 'focus on our younger DC' once a month too without the older ones there?

OP posts:
coffeecupsandfairylights · 09/05/2022 16:27

Loco323 · 09/05/2022 16:21

I'll say okay so long as he arranges a baby sitter for the older ones the next weekend and we take our DC ou without them. I'm sure he wouldn't agree to that!

That's just being difficult for the sake of it 🙄

cherrymax · 09/05/2022 16:28

I actually think it's a really nice idea. Maybe they miss the dynamic you all had before their younger siblings arrived.

You could still have the same situation if they were full siblings with the age gap.

Maybe not always once a month but I don't think a day out that little ones wouldn't enjoy or a night out for a film and pizza is a hardship.

Does he have family or friends that could have your kids if you don't want to ask your parents? Can he sort a babysitter?

WalkerWalking · 09/05/2022 16:28

It's perfectly reasonable to say no. But if it really would mean a lot to the older children, then I personally would try and make some time for them occasionally. Especially if you did use to be closer and you've ended up distancing yourself a bit since having your kids.

AtticAttack3000 · 09/05/2022 16:28

I think a lot depends on his motives. If he's genuinely worried that your relationship with the older 2 might suffer as they hit their teenage years and is trying to make sure you have a strong relationship with them, he's not being unreasonable but probably needs to understand that his solution isn't a great one, and maybe the better thing to do is, for example, a board games night after the little ones are in bed. If however it's just that he finds the older two hard work on his own and wants you there to share the adult responsibility and parenting, then he's being totally unreasonable and needs to face up to his responsibilities

Original poster
Loco323 · 09/05/2022 16:28

coffeecupsandfairylights · 09/05/2022 16:27

That's just being difficult for the sake of it 🙄

Show quote history

I'm not actually going to say that but I am wondering why it's apparently not okay in reverse?

OP posts:
Fairyliz · 09/05/2022 16:29

I've been that stepchild having to go from one house to another, never having the thing I wanted which was to live in one home with my mum and dad. Then when you spend time with your dad your stepmum puts her energy into the younger children. Quite understandable as an adult, babies and children need more watching. However as a 9 year old you never feel special to anyone, you didn't ask for this shitty situation.

No its not affected me as an adult at all, I'm not a cynical untrusting person at all🙁

WalkerWalking · 09/05/2022 16:29

Loco323 · 09/05/2022 16:27

I thought it was about focusing on them to make them feel special? So surely we should also 'focus on our younger DC' once a month too without the older ones there?

Show quote history

Don't you get quite a lot of time with just the younger ones when the older ones are at their mum's? Or do they only stay with her during the week, and they're with you every weekend?

coffeecupsandfairylights · 09/05/2022 16:29

Loco323 · 09/05/2022 16:28

I'm not actually going to say that but I am wondering why it's apparently not okay in reverse?

Show quote history

Presumably because the younger two live with you and have you everyday, whereas the older ones don't?

Are the older ones with you every weekend? If not, surely those other weekends are when you get time with just the younger two?

Youaremysunshine14 · 09/05/2022 16:29

Loco323 · 09/05/2022 16:27

I thought it was about focusing on them to make them feel special? So surely we should also 'focus on our younger DC' once a month too without the older ones there?

Show quote history

But it's not the same and you know that. They don't live with you full-time like the little ones do. They have to share their dad and then see him far less. Fine you want to play tit for tat with your DH to prove a point, but that's really unfair on the older ones.

AryaStarkWolf · 09/05/2022 16:30

Loco323 · 09/05/2022 16:25

I think one of the thing that gets me too is I never hear him suggest this about our younger DC. No then we always have to include DSC so they don't feel left out. And God forbid if I ever specifically said I didn't want DSC to come somewhere so we could just spend time alone with the younger ones... He'd not like that at all.

It's obviously a guilt thing because he's thinking he's put them in a situation of a "broken home" and he lives with the younger children full time. I do have some sympathy for that but I still agree with you regarding the OP.

Original poster
Loco323 · 09/05/2022 16:32

Don't you get quite a lot of time with just the younger ones when the older ones are at their mum's?

Not really no. I work all week and the older ones tend to be with us most weekends, their mum works shifts but tends to take on extra ones at the weekends as it's more pay.

OP posts:
BobLemon · 09/05/2022 16:33

This sounds like some Disney shit.

Original poster
Loco323 · 09/05/2022 16:33

And they do live with us but I can't tell you the last time that me and DH took them out somewhere special just them. He always wants to save things for when the older ones are with us if we ever do get a weekend just the 4 of us.

OP posts:
Soontobe60 · 09/05/2022 16:33

gamerchick · 09/05/2022 16:05

Tell him fine but he can sort the childcare out and it won't involve your parents.

Job done.

This absolutely. He’ll soon get fed up 😂

Original poster
Loco323 · 09/05/2022 16:34

Soontobe60 · 09/05/2022 16:33

This absolutely. He’ll soon get fed up 😂

Show quote history

He doesn't have anyone to ask unfortunately.

OP posts:
Dixiechickonhols · 09/05/2022 16:35

I think it is different to reverse as they have the split family issue to deal with not their fault and they knew life before the babies. Presumably you both spent time with them before you had children and they are missing that. Plus their age. I’d take it as a compliment they like you and want to spent time with you.
Once a month sounds a lot with work etc but a day out in holidays might work.

Dixiechickonhols · 09/05/2022 16:36

He can sort paid babysitting then like anyone else.

Original poster
Loco323 · 09/05/2022 16:37

Once a month sounds a lot with work etc but a day out in holidays might work.

I genuinely don't have a problem with this sort of thing. A day out here and there, a few times a year for example, just us and older ones. But every month is crazy especially if I want to factor in any time to myself and time with my own children, glad to see most of the vote agree anyway!

OP posts:
MintyMoocow · 09/05/2022 16:40

It should be against the law to get into another relationship if you have children from a first relationship.
This sort of thing is so bloody damaging to kids! No wonder so many are screwed up.
If you are not prepared to treat step kids EXACTLY as you would treat your own, then bloody don’t take them on at all.

RockLampSalt · 09/05/2022 16:40

Did you make an effort with his children before you had your own DC?

They could easily feel a bit pushed out due to the arrival of younger siblings. Perhaps he wants his DC to feel more comfortable staying at his home so would like you to have a stronger relationship with them as they grow up. It isn’t really a huge amount of effort to make for your husband who you love. We all go out of our way at times to do things for people we care for. Why on earth can’t your parents babysit for a day? Presumably they like spending time with your DC.

All children need 1-1 time sometimes and I think older separately to younger as they enjoy and need to do different things. Sitting together in the evening isn’t the same as day out. If they were your biological children I’m sure you wouldn’t think twice about it.

I know a family with a similar set up to yours , where the dad went on to have a new family with two children close together.

His older DC do feel pushed out as one said to me herself “she wants a family without us”. The DC have been through a divorce, which does affect children, then two new kids have turned up who live with their dad all the time when they don’t.

The step-mum in the situation I describe isn’t horrible to them, it’s just very clear that she doesn’t see them in the same way she does her own DC and isn’t particularly interested in knowing them well and having their own relationship with them. It’s sad not to make the effort.

Classicblunder · 09/05/2022 16:42

How about a day 2-4 times a year during school holidays? Then you could use your normal childcare for the baby and toddler and go and do something more focussed on the older ones.

I do this with my older child just cos it's sometimes nice to do things that the toddler can't

MiddleParking · 09/05/2022 16:42

This is absolutely batshit. Why would you arrange babysitting, from your parents, to go and focus on someone else’s kids at their request? If he was going to suggest this at all it should have been obvious that the suggested babysitter for the younger ones should have been on his side of the ‘table’ and arranged completely by him. I’d still say no because as a full time working parent you can hardly fit everything in (including quality time with your own kids) as it is and when you do have babysitting you want it to facilitate adult time, not time with someone else’s kids - but that’s the only way this suggestion could be even a tiny bit palatable or reasonable. Not to mention the rather obvious, if inconvenient for him, fact that it’s not actually your job to focus on his children just because you’re a woman, they have the same number of parents as every other child and that’s who should be focused on them and making them feel secure in their family set up.

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