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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

'They need to spend time with us alone'

775 replies

Loco323 · 09/05/2022 15:20

Me and DH have two young DC (toddler and baby). He also has two older DC from his previous relationship who are 9 & 12.

We fell out the other night about something and I'm not sure if I'm being unreasonable.

Basically he was saying we need to spend some time with older DC on our own, take them out somewhere or whatever so, in his words, they still feel special to us.

I get what he's saying about feeling special and he does have 1 on 1 time with them a lot, whenever he wants, I'd never stop him. But from my POV I don't know why this needs to involve me.

My parents help out with our DC (for which I'm very grateful!) whenever we need it and have done quite a lot when me and DH have gone out together or with friends so he's saying to ask them to watch our DC whilst we take out the older ones maybe once every month or so.

I've said no. He's okay to have one on one time whenever he wants but I'm not shipping my children off so I can join. I don't see the need. Apparently I don't show them any focus anymore since having our DC... Hmm what does he want from me? I'm perfectly nice and get on with both of them really well but I don't think we need loads of one on one time or to make a big fuss about them being special to me.

They don't live with us 24/7 they have a very involved mum so not like they need that from me.

Quite happy to go out as a family but don't see why I need to join these special 1 to 1 trips. AIBU?

OP posts:
erinaceus · 09/05/2022 16:56

There are a few strands here.

The expectation that your parents provide childcare is a bit off.

It is not a bad idea for you to do some activities focussed on the older DC. Does he have a suggestion in mind? It seems a bit odd to sort of mentally annex your younger DC and set the one per month schedule first, rather than suggest an activity the older DC and you two would enjoy, and address the childcare issue for the younger ones after that.

A compromise might be a day out focussed on the older DC, bringing the younger ones along too, which is a lot of work but is how many families with a mix of ages cope. I think it's more forward thinking to see if you can help the older two feel special by blending the families further together rather than a sort of tit-for-tat first-one-set-of-kids-then-the-other setup.

FabulousKilljoys · 09/05/2022 16:57

They don't live with you full-time like the little ones do. They have to share their dad and then see him far less. Fine you want to play tit for tat with your DH to prove a point, but that's really unfair on the older ones.

Agree with this. Maybe once a month is a stretch but I don't think you can equate the 2 DC who are with you 24/7 with 2 who are only there on a weekend.

With a huge age gap in a family it’s really common to do things exclusively with the older ones from time to time

Also this.

Original poster
Loco323 · 09/05/2022 16:57

A baby and a toddler just can’t do the things a 10 & 12 yo can. To pretend otherwise is petty.

I'm not suggesting they can do the same things.

My point about it being the other way around was that apparently these days out are to 'focus on DSC'. I'm sure that means taking them to somewhere more suited to older kids and I get that.

But we very very rarely do days out where the sole focus is on our younger DC. My husband has never, for example, taken our younger DC to a soft play so he can focus on them doing something small child centric with them with no distractions. No, every time we have a weekend just us and the younger ones he doesn't want to go anywhere and when the older ones are there it's never really small child focused.

Going out all together as a family is great, but it's different. My younger ones rarely get their dads sole attention for the day as he's off doing whatever with the older kids. I guarantee you, they get more QUALITY time with their dad where he's focused on them, then our DC do. Absolutely 100%. Yeah okay he might have tea with the youngest more nights of the week after work and the business of getting everyone ready for bed, fed, bathed and whatever. But actually end of the week, focused, quality time... They 100% get more of that.

OP posts:
hellrabbitishere · 09/05/2022 16:57

MintyMoocow · 09/05/2022 16:40

It should be against the law to get into another relationship if you have children from a first relationship.
This sort of thing is so bloody damaging to kids! No wonder so many are screwed up.
If you are not prepared to treat step kids EXACTLY as you would treat your own, then bloody don’t take them on at all.

i honestly wish it had been against the law minty because then as a naive woman in her late 20s i wouldnt have been found myself in the situation of having someone in the middle of a divorce with an 8 year old son asking me out and then wanting me to move in with i did happily as we got along great only to find out once i did that his son who i was told only came eow was actually there every weekend including fri nights , i was not used to kids , id voiced my worries to him only to be breezily reassured and like the fool i was i went along with it

his son resented me even being in the house , i could feel it the minute he got there and i was clueless on how to even begin to deal with it .

and far from even being prepared to treat him exactly as my own i soon couldnt stand him even coming , the sullen resentful looks when he got through the door , he rarely spoke to me only to his dad , it was unbearable and i only lasted two years before i left . and god yes i do wish id never taken it on in spades , it fucked up my life for a long time afterwards

BrightonBunny · 09/05/2022 16:57

YANBU at all.

Just say no and stick to it. He's being ridiculous.

aSofaNearYou · 09/05/2022 16:58

This children are your family. With a huge age gap in a family it’s really common to do things exclusively with the older ones from time to time

So are my nieces and nephews but I would never arrange childcare for my own DC just so I could spend time with them. Especially not as a working parent where the amount being suggested was a huge proportion of my potential time to myself or with my DC.

MountainDewer · 09/05/2022 16:58

YANBU.
there are only 4 weekends a month… he wants you to spend 25% of your precious downtime with HIS kids?
No way!

CanofCant · 09/05/2022 16:59

beastlyslumber · 09/05/2022 16:50

You should at least take them to some stately homes.

Ha.

a1577 · 09/05/2022 17:00

your DH sounds ridiculous

is he going to propose that his two older kids get shipped off to family and friend babysitters to protect time with your two younger DCs together? thought not.

his expectations sound arbritary and uneven.. it's not even remotely possible when you're juggling fulltime work, kids etc to balance your time properly, so his suggestion that you need to dedicate a chunk of time to his kids and then ship off his two youngest children is extremely bizarre.

i suspect it stems from his guilt at having "new" DC with you. and he's worried it will impact on his two older children negatively. that's fine and normal.

but it's totally unfair of him to project that issue onto you, much less demand your time in this scenario.

i hope you show him this thread to show how ridiculous he's being, to translate his feelings of being an inadequate father and turn it into (yet MORE) pressure on you. it's not on at all.

SpaceJamtart · 09/05/2022 17:01

It just is what life is like with siblings though, what you are doing is fine.

I had married parents and a lot of siblings with a huge age range and I dont remember ever even being in a room with both my parents and not at least one of my siblings.
I had time some time with one parent and not my brothers or sisters but not for anything special just like dog walking or going to the supermarket.
It would be a bit weird to send your younger kids away just to give the older ones the undivided attention of two parents

BeachBonfire · 09/05/2022 17:01

He's talking about overnights too btw so not just a couple of hours whilst we go for a walk or something!

I think if it was a couple of hours to go bowling or something then fine, but overnight once a month, no. They get time with you both when the younger children are in bed so I think a pp suggestion of a few times a year in school holidays is a good one and you’re happy with that too. And your husband can maybe take them out alone for a few hours to the cinema or something very few weeks too.

Original poster
Loco323 · 09/05/2022 17:03

is he going to propose that his two older kids get shipped off to family and friend babysitters to protect time with your two younger DCs together? thought not.

No. And this is what bugs me too because I know if I ever said for example 'lets go to soft play/a farm / some small child focused day out with younger DC' and I specifically said I didn't want his other kids to come he would take it so personally. It would be all 'you dislike my kids, leaving them out blah blah'.

But it's fine the other way.

OP posts:
Dixiechickonhols · 09/05/2022 17:04

Is he wanting it so you’ll do planning and childcare of older 2 so one weekend a month he has nice day out all sorted. That’s definitely not on.
I would definitely use it as a discussion to mix things up. So yes I’ll come on day out with you and 2 older ones, him and the 2 little ones, him & just eldest etc.

Original poster
Loco323 · 09/05/2022 17:04

Dixiechickonhols · 09/05/2022 17:04

Is he wanting it so you’ll do planning and childcare of older 2 so one weekend a month he has nice day out all sorted. That’s definitely not on.
I would definitely use it as a discussion to mix things up. So yes I’ll come on day out with you and 2 older ones, him and the 2 little ones, him & just eldest etc.

No I don't think so. It's a guilt thing. He overcompensates so much imo.

OP posts:
catelina · 09/05/2022 17:05

MintyMoocow · 09/05/2022 16:40

It should be against the law to get into another relationship if you have children from a first relationship.
This sort of thing is so bloody damaging to kids! No wonder so many are screwed up.
If you are not prepared to treat step kids EXACTLY as you would treat your own, then bloody don’t take them on at all.

It should be against the law to say such crass things.

Dixiechickonhols · 09/05/2022 17:05

You definitely need to address that. If it’s fine for you both and 2 eldest to go to theme park it’s fine for you both and 2 youngest to go to petting farm aimed at toddlers.

Booboobibles · 09/05/2022 17:06

I’m always really disappointed with the attitude toward step children on here. It’s once a month for goodness sake!

Why not, instead of resenting stepchildren and seeing them as not your responsibility (and I say that to the majority on here), see them as extra children for you to love and have a nice relationship with? Then the step children might love you back. Just a thought!

user1471538283 · 09/05/2022 17:06

He can sort out the childcare to enable this then and the activity or outing and cover the cost.

I dont see the need. They are his children.

Starseeking · 09/05/2022 17:07

Pre-pandemic, when I was with my EXDP, we were both out of the house 7am-7pm, commuting and working FT. I got the DC up, ready and out the door, and in reverse in the evenings. The only quality time I had with my own DC was at weekends, while DSS came EOW. There would be no way on earth that I'd give up any of my 4 weekends a month with my DC, to spend solely on DSS. Instead, my EXDP chose for us to do nothing when it was not a DSS weekend. If I planned to do anything spontaneously on a non-DSS weekend, my EXDP would refuse to join me and the DC, and he stayed at home.

Your DH needs to seriously consider the messages he will be sending the smaller DC if he sets up this monthly activity which excluded them. You may think they are young, and won't know, however I will never forget my 3 year old DS telling me we couldn't go to the park as we had to wait for DSS. That was the dynamic his Dad was setting him up for. Life was on hold until golden child DSS appeared for his weekend. Don't be me OP, look out for your DC interests. If your DH is setting aside time to take out the older DC by himself, he should also be doing exactly the same for the younger DC. THEY ARE ALL HIS DC!!!

Original poster
Loco323 · 09/05/2022 17:07

He acts like they are VIPs coming to stay with us. Even little subtle things like he'll make a big song and dance about making Sunday dinner for them/us but won't bother if they aren't here that Sunday.

They get whatever they want whenever they want it. Completely spoilt.

OP posts:
HummingQuietly · 09/05/2022 17:10

One day per school holiday as per PP's suggestion, and a regular movie/games night when the little ones are in bed, is plenty. Carve out time when the littlies are in bed. Or you take then to the cinema sometimes and he stays home with his other children. There are plenty of solutions that don't involve organising weekend childcare for your own children, especially when you work FT.

Youaremysunshine14 · 09/05/2022 17:11

Did he have as much guilt before you had your own DC? How old were his when you got together?

User280905 · 09/05/2022 17:11

As someone who has quite a distant relationship with her grown up stepkids I wish I had done a bit more of this tbh.

But I wouldn't want it to be as prescriptive and slightly forced as once a month. Especially when you only really have weekends for your own dc

I would have a movie night once the little ones are in bed or something, not a day out. That will still make them feel special. Some popcorn, fizzy juice, whatever.

And like you say, an occasional something when it sort of comes up naturally is fine. If they desperately wanted to see the Marvel movie that's just come out or something.

I would be irritated by the way your dh is demanding it and also because he doesn't see the importance of doing the same separately for your joint dc. I would be asking him for the equivalent time just for them. Which I know is a bit petty but I'd be doing it anyway.

Tamzo85 · 09/05/2022 17:12

And this is why broken/blended families are so often damaging for kids and prone to breaking up again. For anyone who says never stay together for the kids because they’re worse off if you do, maybe take a look at the posts like this and the responses and see if you think it’s better for the kids to be shunted home to home, treated differently from their new siblings by their step parent and on top of it all have to deal with trouble in their parent and step parents relationship as a result of their existence.

Anyhoo, yeah I’d say your partner obviously feels that his older kids may feel sidelined and judging by your posts that may well be the case. I don’t think one day a month with them is a big deal.

Of course on Mumsnet you so often see the attitude from step parents of “my kids are my kids and my step kids aren’t my responsibility” - that’s gonna be a great way for the kids to grow up and foster totally healthy relationships with your kids.

BetsHilton · 09/05/2022 17:13

MintyMoocow · 09/05/2022 16:40

It should be against the law to get into another relationship if you have children from a first relationship.
This sort of thing is so bloody damaging to kids! No wonder so many are screwed up.
If you are not prepared to treat step kids EXACTLY as you would treat your own, then bloody don’t take them on at all.

@MintyMoocow im one of 5. Not a blended family. We never got taken out on our own to do age appropriate things. Had to just muck in once the younger ones arrived - two are 10 and 12 years younger than me. There was no special treatment. We had a later bedtime so got some more grown up time with our parents then. Any days out were everyone together - zoo or beach for example. So to me @Loco323 is treating them as her own.