'They need to spend time with us alone'

[Loco323]

Me and DH have two young DC (toddler and baby). He also has two older DC from his previous relationship who are 9 & 12.

We fell out the other night about something and I'm not sure if I'm being unreasonable.

Basically he was saying we need to spend some time with older DC on our own, take them out somewhere or whatever so, in his words, they still feel special to us.

I get what he's saying about feeling special and he does have 1 on 1 time with them a lot, whenever he wants, I'd never stop him. But from my POV I don't know why this needs to involve me.

My parents help out with our DC (for which I'm very grateful!) whenever we need it and have done quite a lot when me and DH have gone out together or with friends so he's saying to ask them to watch our DC whilst we take out the older ones maybe once every month or so.

I've said no. He's okay to have one on one time whenever he wants but I'm not shipping my children off so I can join. I don't see the need. Apparently I don't show them any focus anymore since having our DC... what does he want from me? I'm perfectly nice and get on with both of them really well but I don't think we need loads of one on one time or to make a big fuss about them being special to me.

They don't live with us 24/7 they have a very involved mum so not like they need that from me.

Quite happy to go out as a family but don't see why I need to join these special 1 to 1 trips. AIBU?

YANBU at all and your DH sounds very pushy.

Ooooookaaaay. This response really escalated things. 😂

Legislating reproduction aside… who TF divides their OWN four children into two pairs? Do parents with 4 DCs really sack off two of them each month to get time alone with the other two? For what reasons? Cos they’re the OG DCs? Ain’t nobody got time for that.

That’s a silly idea. I agree with you, OP. If you’re having child-free time, then that’s what it should be. I wouldn’t be keen on sending my children to Gp, so I could spend the time with DSC, especially as you’re a working parent.
your DH is being silly.

I’d still say no because as a full time working parent you can hardly fit everything in (including quality time with your own kids) as it is and when you do have babysitting you want it to facilitate adult time, not time with someone else’s kids

This is exactly why I have said no! My parents would do it but then I can't exactly ask them to do it again so I can have some adult time to myself as well the following week, it's too much to ask imo and I wouldn't like to ask that of them. He's talking about overnights too btw so not just a couple of hours whilst we go for a walk or something!

How about a day 2-4 times a year during school holidays? Then you could use your normal childcare for the baby and toddler and go and do something more focussed on the older ones.

I'd have no problem with that.

Exactly this!

i dont think your being unreasonable , but this is part of the problem of being a step parent , now he expects you to help him make his kids feel all special because you have 2 of your own with him , i dont see why given you already spend time with them when they are there he expects you to give up even more of your time and heres the thing now he thinks your not as focused on them anymore since having two of your own , well you bloody might at times not be beggars belief that he might not get that

he is their parent not you , if he wants to make them feel all special then he should be arranging stuff to do on his own with them , surely they arent going to have the hump because your not there , they are having one to one with their dad
i was a step parent for 2 years and i had this nonsense . i always wonder if they just cant handle doing anything with their own children alone and need partner along to hold their hand
upto you but id be saying no if it meant doing this cut into my own time with my kids and meant i had to foist my kids off to my parents to facilitate it

If you are not prepared to treat step kids EXACTLY as you would treat your own, then bloody don’t take them on at all

Oh god I don't have the energy for the 'treat DSC EXACTLY like your own' shit sorry.

You've fallen victim to his guilty dad syndrome. Be careful he doesn't sideline your younger DC in favour of his older ones. I left my EXDP in part due to this sort of behaviour.

It's perfectly reasonable not to want to leave your own DC behind somewhere to have fun with someone else's. I certainly wouldn't do it. He should be able to see that his DC are all loved equally in his eyes, but your DC are your priority in your eyes. There's no shame in that, as long as you treat them all fairly when they are together.

Here's an idea ... why doesn't HE arrange childcare with HIS parents or family for HIS younger children. Then come to you about spending the day with HIS older ones. No overnight. No arrangements for YoU to make nor will you be using up favours with your parents .

What? So damaging not to have one on one time every month with your step-mother when you have a very involved mum?

No, no, no, you work FT and have 2 kids of your own, time with them while their small is precious. I'd tell him I'm not doing it and not to bring it up again as it'll lead to an argument and the same answer. They're his children, much as you may get along with them I promise you they don't want you there. Your DH wants you there because he can't be arsed to parent them himself l. If you agree to this he'll forgo those one on one's he does now, keep a firm boundary x

Oh god I don't have the energy for the 'treat DSC EXACTLY like your own' shit sorry.

I'm loving your frankness OP!

If your DH is telling you that this matters to him and he believes it matters to his children, I don’t see why you wouldn’t support him.

Once a month probably will feel like too much when you’re working full time and still want to maintain your own social life, but why can’t you both agree to a compromise of once every other month?

So the younger ones get no treats unless the older ones are there and now he wants them shipped out and not even getting that?

Wow.

Why on earth would you do that? The younger ones live with you both all the time. They get lots of time alone with you both. You don't need to schedule in a special weekend

You obviously don't want to spend time with only your older DCs once per month, so say no. You didn't need to come to MN about it. It would work well for some families but only if both the parents were on the same page about it. You're obviously not.

You should at least take them to some stately homes.

It's perfectly reasonable not to want to leave your own DC behind somewhere to have fun with someone else's. I certainly wouldn't do it. He should be able to see that his DC are all loved equally in his eyes, but your DC are your priority in your eyes. There's no shame in that, as long as you treat them all fairly when they are together.

Absolutely this.

I started reading your thread thinking Yabu but the more I read, the more I think that yanbu

This is a really common problem. Your kids are going to suffer self esteem wise if they know that their dad thinks this. They are special too and some outings that they would like wouldn't be of interest to the older ones.

Your h needs to remember that the older ones aren't being deprived of special outings because they are not with him. Their mum will (rightly) take them places and they aren't waiting at home like your kids are made to do.

I think it is problematic that he sees both siblings as a pair rather than 2 individuals and while he can get away with it now, it could mean issues in the future as they are different people and the teen years make it even more evident. Even if they are same sex, same interests etc teens like being recognised as an individual and need their siblings out of earshot if they want yo discuss private stuff like what's going on in their life.

Why does living with your parents mean you don't need to spend quality time with them on MN?

This children are your family. With a huge age gap in a family it’s really common to do things exclusively with the older ones from time to time.

We regularly arranged either a play date or a babysitter for our youngest so we could take the older two to the movies. Your DH can sort a babysitter out, presumably. He needs to put some effort in.

It’s not the same the other way around. A baby and a toddler just can’t do the things a 10 & 12 yo can. To pretend otherwise is petty.

YANBU to say no because he ultimately that’s your choice. But you’re pretty mean-spirited to flatly refuse.

It’s a ridiculous suggestion. Are you sure your husband doesn’t just want some adult company when he is out with his older kids and thinks you could come and share the parenting and plan the activities! Type of thing my DH would do til I put him right.

He is obviously feeling the guilt and over compensating. My DH used to do this too and everything had to be equal even although step child was also getting attention and ‘things’ at mums so in reality getting double what our kids received.

It all sounds like a normal family dynamic, spending time together when littlest are in bed and being a blended family.

Dear god why should your parents have to take on more babysitting or indeed you lose out on the babysitting for your own sanity.

Get him to give his head a wobble

I don't think you are remotely unreasonable. But I can see that it would enable you to do slightly different activities more geared to the older DC. But contact time is really for DSC and Dad. I wouldn't force it into the calendar but it might be nice occasionally.

Give your head a wobble. They're not her kids, they have 2 parents. They don't need to bond with O, they need to have a good, respectful relationship. You don't think the DSCs mother might have something to say about OP treating her kids EXACTLY the same as her own because if my kids step mum did that I tell you now a heap of shit like nothing she'd ever experienced would drop on her.

OK, so what he's suggesting does sound unfair on you and your young children.

Easy compromise: you do something fun with just the big ones occasionally in the holidays, and you do something similarly fun with just the younger ones as well.

Make each outing one that the "left out" kids wouldn't enjoy anyway. Eg proper theme park with older ones, then peppa pig world with little ones. Or cheaper- a 12A film with the older ones and then a cartoon with the younger ones. Proper bike ride with older ones, pootle on scooters near a playground with the little ones etc etc.

I think it’s a nice suggestion. He clearly wants you part of his elder children’s lives.

I agree with the suggestions that it could be something as simple as a movie night.