Page 31 | 'They need to spend time with us alone'

Loco323 · 2022-05-09T14:20:41+00:00

Me and DH have two young DC (toddler and baby). He also has two older DC from his previous relationship who are 9 & 12. We fell out the other night about something and I'm not sure if I'm being unreasonable. Basically he was saying *we* need to spend some time with older DC on our own, take them out somewhere or whatever so, in his words, they still feel special to us. I get what he's saying about feeling special and he does have 1 on 1 time with them a lot, whenever he wants, I'd never stop him. But from my POV I don't know why this needs to involve me. My parents help out with our DC (for which I'm very grateful!) whenever we need it and have done quite a lot when me and DH have gone out together or with friends so he's saying to ask them to watch our DC whilst we take out the older ones maybe once every month or so. I've said no. He's okay to have one on one time whenever he wants but I'm not shipping my children off so I can join. I don't see the need. Apparently I don't show them any focus anymore since having our DC... [hmm] what does he want from me? I'm perfectly nice and get on with both of them really well but I don't think we need loads of one on one time or to make a big fuss about them being special to me. They don't live with us 24/7 they have a very involved mum so not like they need that from me. Quite happy to go out as a family but don't see why I need to join these special 1 to 1 trips. AIBU?

LoisLane66 · 13/05/2022 03:07

@mathanxiety @timeisnotaline
'Would require mum to never do anything with her own two'?
1 day out of 30/31?
Good grief! That's a ridiculous statement.
How about 1 day every 2 months?
Would that be acceptable? Apparently not to the OP.
@mathanxiety You seem to know the OP's DH well if you can say with conviction that he's "performance parenting" with his own children and all but ignoring his two younger ones.
That doesn't sound as if he's a keeper.
What kind of woman would stay with a man who, from what we're told, isn't enamoured with the idea of a whole day with his own older two children and barely does anything with his toddler and baby?
Do you reckon the OP should leave him or ask him to leave, after all, 'performance parenting' isn't a trait you'd want to witness in a partner?
There have been many threads about 'blended familes' but they seem to throw up a number of difficulties which breed resentment on the part of the ex, new partner, and/or his, her and their children, not to mention grandparents being roped in to childmind.
The losers will be the children.
The entertainment needs of a baby and toddler as opposed to children 10 years older are vastly different, as you know. A day with all four of them would be strained as the bias would be toward the younger ones who aren't as articulate or as patient. They would always have first call.
I gave my view and it wouldn't do if we all sang the same song.

LoisLane66 · 13/05/2022 03:16

Some fathers seem to find younger children harder to interact with. There's no proper conversation and many men aren't the best at spending hours at soft play or jiggling toys to catch baby's eye or talk a toddler out of a tantrum or not eating their food.
There lies one of many differences between the male and female of the species and it will ever be thus.

mathanxiety · 13/05/2022 03:42

What utter tripe.

I can't believe what I'm reading, @LoisLane66 .

RocketsMagnificent7 · 13/05/2022 08:20

LoisLane66 · 13/05/2022 03:07

@mathanxiety @timeisnotaline
'Would require mum to never do anything with her own two'?
1 day out of 30/31?
Good grief! That's a ridiculous statement.
How about 1 day every 2 months?
Would that be acceptable? Apparently not to the OP.
@mathanxiety You seem to know the OP's DH well if you can say with conviction that he's "performance parenting" with his own children and all but ignoring his two younger ones.
That doesn't sound as if he's a keeper.
What kind of woman would stay with a man who, from what we're told, isn't enamoured with the idea of a whole day with his own older two children and barely does anything with his toddler and baby?
Do you reckon the OP should leave him or ask him to leave, after all, 'performance parenting' isn't a trait you'd want to witness in a partner?
There have been many threads about 'blended familes' but they seem to throw up a number of difficulties which breed resentment on the part of the ex, new partner, and/or his, her and their children, not to mention grandparents being roped in to childmind.
The losers will be the children.
The entertainment needs of a baby and toddler as opposed to children 10 years older are vastly different, as you know. A day with all four of them would be strained as the bias would be toward the younger ones who aren't as articulate or as patient. They would always have first call.
I gave my view and it wouldn't do if we all sang the same song.

You clearly haven't read a single one of the OP's posts. The answers to all of your questions are within them.

It also isn't just 1 day, it's a weekend because dad wants the little ones gone overnight. But yes he's wonderful and the OP is awful because she wants to include her SC in the family without making an us/them divide.

Youseethethingis1 · 13/05/2022 08:53

It would also be interesting to know much child support he pays. She takes on extra shifts at weekends because they pay more, after all, and I would like to know why she feels she needs to do this
As OP has said they have the children very nearly 50/50, I'd imagine not very much maintenance is payable. No doubt that means he's a bad dad for spending all that time with his kids when he should be giving their mother more money 🙄 (I actually think he sounds like a a shit dad but not for that reason).

RocketsMagnificent7 · 13/05/2022 09:04

Youseethethingis1 · 13/05/2022 08:53

It would also be interesting to know much child support he pays. She takes on extra shifts at weekends because they pay more, after all, and I would like to know why she feels she needs to do this
As OP has said they have the children very nearly 50/50, I'd imagine not very much maintenance is payable. No doubt that means he's a bad dad for spending all that time with his kids when he should be giving their mother more money 🙄 (I actually think he sounds like a a shit dad but not for that reason).

Yep exactly.

There's also the possibility Mum works those extra shifts so she can have a holiday or maybe she's saving for a house deposit, or a new car. Maybe she likes certain luxuries or wants enough set aside to have days out etc over the summer. Or perhaps she is struggling who knows. I have a friend who works way more than she needs to, she almost doubles her set hours with overtime including full weekends cos she loves to have money in the bank. She doesn't need it and isn't struggling at all.

notagamer · 13/05/2022 10:12

I find this thread so odd

The OP is clearly articulate and not backward at being forward in her arguments with posters!
added to which - the OP works full time and so is financially independent

and yet she stays with a man she thinks os a shit father and she doesn’t even seem to like him herself

so Odd

mathanxiety · 13/05/2022 19:09

As OP has said they have the children very nearly 50/50, I'd imagine not very much maintenance is payable. No doubt that means he's a bad dad for spending all that time with his kids when he should be giving their mother more money

Nearly 50-50 means the mother doesn't get very much child support. I would like to know if that was planned on his part. Since it appears she is working on weekends to make more money, it seems obvious to me that he isn't being fair to her. He has the money to spend on top of the line phones, and all these days out he envisions won't be cheap, home-made picnics in the park, I suspect. He can't afford things his younger DCs need. His lavish spending on the older DCs has caused financial strain in the OP's household. He appears to prioritise spending money in ways that make him feel good about himself.

If there is an almost 50-50 split, then he needs to stop the VIP treatment of the older children. (It might just be fathomable if they were there EOW to make their time with him special, though not advisable as this sets up the Fun Dad/Boring Mum dynamic which causes problems for the unfortunate children involved.) When children are sharing time between two homes on an almost 50-50 basis then they need to be treated the same as the other children in the home, or the difference between the treatment of each set of children will cause problems both in the relationship with the new partner and between the children, and ultimately between the children and their father.

I would like to be the fly on the wall when this man ends up seeing his younger children EOW and maybe for dinner once a week. How will he juggle what he considers to be the self-evident rights of all the children he has fathered? How will he afford to keep them all in the style to which they have become accustomed? His younger children won't know what hit them when he and the OP divorce. They are going to hit the jackpot, and they'll get to spend all that quality time with their dad that he's denying them now.

Youseethethingis1 · 13/05/2022 20:46

Since it appears she is working on weekends to make more money, it seems obvious to me that he isn't being fair to her

That's quite a leap. My DH pays his ex almost double the amount the calculator says plus extra when needed, his ex still works weekends for more money as she likes her expensive holidays and likes to buy DSD the nest of branded everything and it's not just up to DH to provide those things 🤷‍♀️

HotDogKetchup · 14/05/2022 06:37

mathanxiety · 13/05/2022 19:09

As OP has said they have the children very nearly 50/50, I'd imagine not very much maintenance is payable. No doubt that means he's a bad dad for spending all that time with his kids when he should be giving their mother more money

Nearly 50-50 means the mother doesn't get very much child support. I would like to know if that was planned on his part. Since it appears she is working on weekends to make more money, it seems obvious to me that he isn't being fair to her. He has the money to spend on top of the line phones, and all these days out he envisions won't be cheap, home-made picnics in the park, I suspect. He can't afford things his younger DCs need. His lavish spending on the older DCs has caused financial strain in the OP's household. He appears to prioritise spending money in ways that make him feel good about himself.

If there is an almost 50-50 split, then he needs to stop the VIP treatment of the older children. (It might just be fathomable if they were there EOW to make their time with him special, though not advisable as this sets up the Fun Dad/Boring Mum dynamic which causes problems for the unfortunate children involved.) When children are sharing time between two homes on an almost 50-50 basis then they need to be treated the same as the other children in the home, or the difference between the treatment of each set of children will cause problems both in the relationship with the new partner and between the children, and ultimately between the children and their father.

I would like to be the fly on the wall when this man ends up seeing his younger children EOW and maybe for dinner once a week. How will he juggle what he considers to be the self-evident rights of all the children he has fathered? How will he afford to keep them all in the style to which they have become accustomed? His younger children won't know what hit them when he and the OP divorce. They are going to hit the jackpot, and they'll get to spend all that quality time with their dad that he's denying them now.

Say the Mother doesn’t get much/any maintenance - what’s so outrageous about a woman supporting themselves. Surely 50:50 is exactly when that’s achievable - no parent has more or less ability to work and provide.

mathanxiety · 15/05/2022 02:48

The lie of equality trotted out again here.

Never heard of the pay gap, @HotDogKetchup?

Or the hit a woman's career takes because of maternity leave and the perception that a woman of childbearing age isn't committed to her career the way a man of the same age and parenthood status is perceived to be?

It has never occurred to you that women are penalised for being mothers while fathers are not penalised for being fathers, because they tend not to be the ones a nursery or CM or school will call when a child has to be taken home, the ones accompanying children for routine doctor visits, etc.

The mother in this case works shifts at weekends because they pay more. I think it may be assumed that she does this because of financial necessity and because her exH pays about 23p per week. There's no glory in paying adequate child support for a man who likes to show off his spending on his older DCs, the recipients of fancy phones and piles of Christmas gifts.

It's not unknown for men to insist on 50-50 because that way they don't have to pay maintenance. Especially men who have found another woman to 'share' the childcare during their half of the parenting time. It's not unknown for men to try to hurt their former wives by buying the affection of their children.

This man clearly has no qualms about using others. His plans for the monthly special outings involve roping in the OP's parents as well as the OP. He is also clearly doing this to impress one pair of people in the wider family, and nobody else matters. He's a twat.

Fudgemonkeys · 15/05/2022 09:46

As a step mum I fully understand where you are coming from but if you want your DC and DSC to have a better bond you do need to make an effort. It does take years to build a relationship with DSC, I for one am forever grateful I took that time. Try it, you may actually like it. OK you can shoot me down but that's my experience. My DSC is treated the same as my DC.

aSofaNearYou · 15/05/2022 09:48

Fudgemonkeys · 15/05/2022 09:46

As a step mum I fully understand where you are coming from but if you want your DC and DSC to have a better bond you do need to make an effort. It does take years to build a relationship with DSC, I for one am forever grateful I took that time. Try it, you may actually like it. OK you can shoot me down but that's my experience. My DSC is treated the same as my DC.

But her DC are not treated like this. So it isn't about treating them the same, it's about whether doing this specific extra thing for DSC is necessary, which it isn't.

RocketsMagnificent7 · 15/05/2022 10:02

Exactly how are they going to build a better bond when they're apart for the weekend? Don't they need to actually be spending time together to forge that bond?

OP has a relationship with her SC, she spends time with them, both family time and time just them once the little ones are in bed. She's willing to have the odd day out just them, what else should she be trying?

And OP is the one who's happy to treat the children the same. Her husband is the one trying to create the divide.

RocketsMagnificent7 · 15/05/2022 10:03

Fudgemonkeys · 15/05/2022 09:46

As a step mum I fully understand where you are coming from but if you want your DC and DSC to have a better bond you do need to make an effort. It does take years to build a relationship with DSC, I for one am forever grateful I took that time. Try it, you may actually like it. OK you can shoot me down but that's my experience. My DSC is treated the same as my DC.

Post above was on reply to this one.

funinthesun19 · 15/05/2022 10:23

Exactly how are they going to build a better bond when they're apart for the weekend? Don't they need to actually be spending time together to forge that bond?

That’s what I thought. Unless she means their bond will be strengthened because taking dscs out will ease all the bubbling resentment they have towards their younger siblings….

Inertia · 15/05/2022 10:56

Your husband does a lot of expecting other people to parent his children, doesn’t he? He expects you to dump your shared younger children to parent his older children. He expects your parents to look after the inconvenient younger children to make you available- he isn’t even willing to do the legwork of arranging alternative care. Does he not feel capable of parenting his older 2 children on his own?

I grew up in the position of the oldest stepchild in a similar situation, and I think your husband’s suggestion is batshit. There’s no way we’d have ever expected our younger siblings to be offloaded so that we had the full attention of both our dad and stepmum! We wanted to spend time with the little ones, we enjoyed playing with them and helped to look after them. And if ever there was an activity that wouldn’t have worked for all my dad and stepmum (mostly stepmum, she’s the one with common sense!) would figure out a way to share the parenting.

timeisnotaline · 15/05/2022 15:02

HotDogKetchup · 14/05/2022 06:37

Say the Mother doesn’t get much/any maintenance - what’s so outrageous about a woman supporting themselves. Surely 50:50 is exactly when that’s achievable - no parent has more or less ability to work and provide.

Show quote history

One parent has more ability to work and provide- the one who has them less on weekdays. The dad. As is often the case. Even ignoring the cumulative effects of maternity leaves etc, he’s in a situation where he pays very little, doesn’t have to do much of the weekday taxiing and homework monitoring, uniform check etc slog, probably doesn’t manage their washing etc so has more time and energy for work and on the weekends he demands his new partner actively parent his as well as their joint children, except when he’s insisting she hand their joint children off to focus on his dc.

XmasElf10 · 15/05/2022 15:21

Divorced and dating mum here. I don’t think you are being unreasonable.

Your DH should have the opportunity to do things with his kids without you (and you have said this happens).

You should be kind, loving and inclusive to his kids (and you’ve said that happens).

The kids should be treated equally (and you’ve said that happens).
Now and then you may want to do a day out with just the older or just the younger kids according to the activity (and it’s clear you are ok with that but want it to be equal to both older and younger kids).

I don’t think you should need to leave your kids one weekend in 4 (every month) for both of you to spend quality time with his kids. If he was proposing HE did this and you had the younger kids I’d think it was less odd.

AppleandRhubarbTart · 15/05/2022 16:40

timeisnotaline · 15/05/2022 15:02

One parent has more ability to work and provide- the one who has them less on weekdays. The dad. As is often the case. Even ignoring the cumulative effects of maternity leaves etc, he’s in a situation where he pays very little, doesn’t have to do much of the weekday taxiing and homework monitoring, uniform check etc slog, probably doesn’t manage their washing etc so has more time and energy for work and on the weekends he demands his new partner actively parent his as well as their joint children, except when he’s insisting she hand their joint children off to focus on his dc.

Show quote history

Mmm, it's quite convenient how it's all worked out for him isn't it?

mathanxiety · 16/05/2022 00:26

It certainly is, @AppleandRhubarbTart.

Plus he looks like relaxation and generosity and Mr Child Centered personified while the DCs' mother can't keep up with the treats or the piles of Christmas presents, she's doing the heavy lifting at home on her own, and they don't see the pleasant, relaxed mum every child would like to see even on weekends because she's working.

HotDogKetchup · 16/05/2022 07:17

mathanxiety · 16/05/2022 00:26

It certainly is, @AppleandRhubarbTart.

Plus he looks like relaxation and generosity and Mr Child Centered personified while the DCs' mother can't keep up with the treats or the piles of Christmas presents, she's doing the heavy lifting at home on her own, and they don't see the pleasant, relaxed mum every child would like to see even on weekends because she's working.

This is purely speculation.

TakeMeToKernow · 16/05/2022 10:35

Have you had a discussion with your DH, OP? Reached a compromise?

Chandimum · 20/05/2022 09:56

SamphirethePogoingStickerist · 09/05/2022 16:03

As ever I am of the "ask when his ex will be taking your two so they don't feel left out when his kids go home to their mum" train of thought.

His kids need quality time with their dad and their extended family. So that is with him, without you and your dc, and with all of you. They don't need specific special time with you and him, I'd suggest that might piss off their mum.

But mainly the first thing... When do your kids get to go to their siblings other home so they don't feel left out? He is being daft. Doubtless he is trying to head off trouble, but going about it the wrong way.

This!

MachineBee · 20/05/2022 14:09

OP, you most definitely are not being unreasonable.
My DCs are now adults and my divorce happened when they were mid-teens. They have said the most annoying thing about divorced parents is the inconvenience of having two homes. And being ‘expected’ to spend lots of one on one time with a parent on their precious weekends. My DCs just wanted to see their mates and to have their washing done, food prepared, taxi service provided and some cash handed over.

Your DSCs are already old enough to have clear opinions about what they want and this will only become more so as they get older.

I’ve also got DSCs who were much younger than my DCs when I met their DF. As they reached puberty I had a very rough ride and it really didn’t matter what I did or didn’t do for them, I was always made the scapegoat for everything that was wrong in their lives. I was not the OW btw. They are all adults now and it’s taking a lot of work to have a more civilised relationship with them. Looking back I wouldn’t have tried so hard but regardless, I don’t think it would have changed much.

My only advice OP is carry on with what you are doing now, and please don’t rope your DPs in to facilitate your DHs proposals. If you don’t help him with this and leave him to it (perhaps giving your DPs the heads up so they are ready to turn him down/find they are busy), you may find it’s too much effort for him and he just drops it.