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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

'They need to spend time with us alone'

775 replies

Loco323 · 09/05/2022 15:20

Me and DH have two young DC (toddler and baby). He also has two older DC from his previous relationship who are 9 & 12.

We fell out the other night about something and I'm not sure if I'm being unreasonable.

Basically he was saying we need to spend some time with older DC on our own, take them out somewhere or whatever so, in his words, they still feel special to us.

I get what he's saying about feeling special and he does have 1 on 1 time with them a lot, whenever he wants, I'd never stop him. But from my POV I don't know why this needs to involve me.

My parents help out with our DC (for which I'm very grateful!) whenever we need it and have done quite a lot when me and DH have gone out together or with friends so he's saying to ask them to watch our DC whilst we take out the older ones maybe once every month or so.

I've said no. He's okay to have one on one time whenever he wants but I'm not shipping my children off so I can join. I don't see the need. Apparently I don't show them any focus anymore since having our DC... Hmm what does he want from me? I'm perfectly nice and get on with both of them really well but I don't think we need loads of one on one time or to make a big fuss about them being special to me.

They don't live with us 24/7 they have a very involved mum so not like they need that from me.

Quite happy to go out as a family but don't see why I need to join these special 1 to 1 trips. AIBU?

OP posts:
Federal · 11/05/2022 15:59

This reply has been deleted

This post had been removed as it's not in the spirit of the site.

Tinyleopard · 11/05/2022 16:00

MadMadaMim · 11/05/2022 15:42

Originally, I read OP post and agreed NOT BU. The more I read, the more I changed my mind - not so much about the initial question, but more about what a seemingly awful and negative attitude OP seems to have towards DSC.

You can tell yourself you're a decent, fair, good SM but the way you talk about them etc is really sad. And they may seem OK and happy but children are sensitive and step children, even more so. They will definitely be getting your vibe and picking up on the resentment that, you can deny all you want, is clearly there.

Your DH was their dad before he was you DH. They didn't choose for him to leave them. They didn't choose for him to remarry. They didn't choose for him to have new children who he lives with and hasn't left. This is their reality. They've had zero say in it.

And even though you've stated you are not their second mum, and from your numerous, lengthy posts, it seems clear you have no interest in that role - it doesn't mean that DSC don't see you that way, especially the younger one.

Also, you are either deluded or purposefully minimising the reality of the DSC's situation! You really think his older DC get more 'quality time' than your DC?!?

He left his older children.
He no longer lives with his older children
He lives with YOU.
He lives with YOUR children.

"Yeah okay he might have tea with the youngest more nights of the week after work and the business of getting everyone ready for bed, fed, bathed and whatever." this - right here - THIS IS QUALITY TIME. MOST CHILDREN WOULD CHOOSE THIS OVER EVERYTHING ELSE - to live day to day with their parent(s)

" But actually end of the week, focused, quality time... They 100% get more of that" THEY'D SWAP IT IN A HEARTBEAT TO HAVE THEIR DAD LIVE WITH THEM.

Whether or not you want/agree to spend regular quality time alone with your DH and DSC seems irrelevant by the end of this thread. The more pressing matter may be for you to speak with a completely neutral 3rd party (professional, maybe) to work through your denial of how you view and think about your DSC.

The tit for tat stance seems churlish and totally immature. The lack of acknowledgement of the actual set up and what constitutes quality time is what's frustrating a lot of people who've replied to you and, comes across at totally inconsiderate of the DSC on your part.

It's always 'funny' (not haha) to see AIBU posts from people where it's clear very early on that the OP has zero interest in what others think as they already made up their minds and they come to MN with the sole aim of their unreasonableness being justified.

The short reply - YABVVU and I feel so sorry for all the children involved.

BINGO!!!

Youseethethingis1 · 11/05/2022 16:05

And there it is!
Didn't take long. If he has them 50/50 including most weekends, you might as well say their mother left them. Everyone left them. They have been abandoned. Except that's not true.
The younger DC also didn't choose to be second born and therefore second best in their fathers eyes

AlisonDonut · 11/05/2022 16:07

He left his older children.
He no longer lives with his older children
He lives with YOU.
He lives with YOUR children.

He lives with HIS children.

Hope that helps.

aSofaNearYou · 11/05/2022 16:11

The funny thing is all OP has said to constitute this apparent obvious hatred of them is that her DH spoils them. That's it. Besides that the only time she's said anything even verging on an opinion on them was to question ridiculous, outlandish statements like "you are their second mum". And even then, no criticisms of them as people.

To read into that that she apparently thinks badly of them is just baffling.

funinthesun19 · 11/05/2022 16:40

"Yeah okay he might have tea with the youngest more nights of the week after work and the business of getting everyone ready for bed, fed, bathed and whatever." this - right here - THIS IS QUALITY TIME. MOST CHILDREN WOULD CHOOSE THIS OVER EVERYTHING ELSE - to live day to day with their parent(s)

Just the functional every day stuff then. All children regardless of where they came in the birth order, need more than just that. Because they’re all children.
Why should the younger children have to settle for tired tea times when dad gets in from work and nothing else just because they live with him full time?

What about in the cases where the father is lazy and brings everyone down, and the younger ones are exposed to living like this a lot more? Are those children really living a better life than their older half siblings? My children lived a half life when their father lived with us, whereas now that we’re not together they live a normal happy life where nobody uses their living arrangements against them.

Youseethethingis1 · 11/05/2022 17:11

Also, if tea, bath and bed are the quality time every child craves above all else, why do these particular children require a monthly overnight trip, too? 🤔

mathanxiety · 11/05/2022 17:58

Your H's idea that you can just whistle up your parents to take over care of his younger children to facilitate his vanity project with the older children is very much an indication of how he sees other people, OP.

Namely, they are there for him to use as needed. Not people with their own lives and interests and energy levels. And rights...

I'm sorry to suggest it, but he's a selfish and immature man, and he doesn't respect you or your parents.

Once again, I recommend family therapy, and you need to rope in the ex wife. He is not coparenting well with her. He is setting her up as bad cop.

Not nice.

I think you need to ask him how he will prioritise his younger children when he ends up seeing them on weekends along with the older children. Will there be special trips and dinners for them then? How will he juggle both sets of kids?

He needs to take a long, hard look at what he is doing here, and ask himself who it is really benefiting.

HotDogKetchup · 11/05/2022 18:02

Youseethethingis1 · 11/05/2022 17:11

Also, if tea, bath and bed are the quality time every child craves above all else, why do these particular children require a monthly overnight trip, too? 🤔

Absolutely.

These kids are splitting their time between each parent, far from abandoned by either.

Jaxxy · 11/05/2022 20:52

As a step mum, I understand your feelings however I was also a step child and it’s easy to feel ‘replaced’ and superfluous.

IMO, building a relationship with these children is really crucial, if all four children were yours, would you be open to spending separate time to meet the different needs given the age differences?

By refusing, you may be creating a division that will be obvious to the two children who could feel unwanted and resented by you.

just giving a different perspective but they are children and you are adult and could possibly be more thoughtful about the impact you are having.

Tinyleopard · 11/05/2022 20:58

Jaxxy · 11/05/2022 20:52

As a step mum, I understand your feelings however I was also a step child and it’s easy to feel ‘replaced’ and superfluous.

IMO, building a relationship with these children is really crucial, if all four children were yours, would you be open to spending separate time to meet the different needs given the age differences?

By refusing, you may be creating a division that will be obvious to the two children who could feel unwanted and resented by you.

just giving a different perspective but they are children and you are adult and could possibly be more thoughtful about the impact you are having.

Have you RTFT?

Also, If they were all her children, and she repeatedly sent two away In favour of the other two, that really wouldn't be ok would it?

Youseethethingis1 · 11/05/2022 21:04

Oh my goodness, OPs problem is literally the divide her husband is causing by wanting to split the children and treat one set substantially better than the other!!!

Enough4me · 12/05/2022 00:11

OP, the voting and posts show that most think you are a saint for perservering definitely NBU. The rest have lost the plot. Let them stress out and try not to take it on board. You have done nothing wrong and the situation would frustrate most peoplewith a pulse and brain.

Shelby2010 · 12/05/2022 01:31

Is it to make the children feel ‘special’ or so he doesn’t have to actually parent the DSC during his time alone with them?

Also very odd that he never spends time with them individually.

notagamer · 12/05/2022 07:04

I’m a single parent
i find these threads very cathartic

VestaTilley · 12/05/2022 07:17

I think it would be a nice thing to do once every couple of months. Your DH sounds like a great Dad and is probably worried his two eldest now feel pushed out.

I’d do it for a couple of afternoons and see how it goes. You might be able to do more fun things with them as they’re older and may find you really enjoy it.

aSofaNearYou · 12/05/2022 07:27

Your DH sounds like a great Dad

Didn't know refusing o do anything with his youngest when his oldest is regularly away and neglecting to save enough money to cover the basics for them constitutes being a "great dad".

AppleandRhubarbTart · 12/05/2022 07:55

Shelby2010 · 12/05/2022 01:31

Is it to make the children feel ‘special’ or so he doesn’t have to actually parent the DSC during his time alone with them?

Also very odd that he never spends time with them individually.

It is, isn't it? Remarkable coincidence that he's come up with a plan minimising the amount of grunt work he has to put in.

RocketsMagnificent7 · 12/05/2022 07:56

VestaTilley · 12/05/2022 07:17

I think it would be a nice thing to do once every couple of months. Your DH sounds like a great Dad and is probably worried his two eldest now feel pushed out.

I’d do it for a couple of afternoons and see how it goes. You might be able to do more fun things with them as they’re older and may find you really enjoy it.

How is spoiling the two eldest due to his own guilt, refusing to do anything nice with his youngest and creating an us/them scenario between his children being a good dad?

He is failing all of his children. He gives literally none of them 1-2-1 time and now wants his wife picking up his slack with the help of her parents.

notagamer · 12/05/2022 08:58

It very likely this will end in a divorce nyey

so the dh will get lots of time with older children. Alone!
and op will get her child free time

win win

for the adults at least

mewkins · 12/05/2022 11:53

Has anyone asked the kids what they want to do? Is it just mine that prefer a lazy weekend rather than a forced fun day out?!?

Also not all kids of divorced parents are pining for their daddy to come home. Some are very happy and well adjusted. These kids may be totally ambivalent to these discussions going on behind the scenes and may well enjoy spending time with their half siblings.

LoisLane66 · 12/05/2022 21:17

I think you are being unreasonable. They are part of him and he loves them as much as his two with you. You are a team and I'm sure that most mums with children from a previous relationship, would be put out if their OH wanted to distance himself from her older children by not wanting 1on1 time with them and their mum without the younger two.
It's not much to ask. Once a month for a special day out. There are plenty of things to interest children of that age especially in good weather.
How about a steam train trip or a day out with picnic and rowing on a lake or those forest things where you have to walk a rope ladder, learn how to build a camp fire and out it out safely and do all sorts of fun stuff. Swimming, the seaside, I'm sure you can think of a million more things to do.
They will remember those special days with both of you. Younger children and babies are distracting when you're with older kids.
I think you should make the effort and who knows, you might even enjoy it yourself.

mathanxiety · 12/05/2022 22:18

How can you possibly say he loves the younger two, LoisLane? He does nothing with them.

And he is performance parenting the older ones. That's not love. That's all about him.

timeisnotaline · 13/05/2022 01:49

@LoisLane66 your example would require that mum to never ever do anything fun on her own with her younger two- not play with them, take them to the park, any trips out… that is pretty inconceivable!

mathanxiety · 13/05/2022 03:04

The question of the relationship with the mother of the two older children comes into this.

It would be interesting to know how the dad and his ex wife get on.
It would also be interesting to know much child support he pays. She takes on extra shifts at weekends because they pay more, after all, and I would like to know why she feels she needs to do this.

Does he intend to post photos on SM of all the proposed special days, featuring him and the older DCs and the OP, and if the answer to that is yes, then why?

Is he the sort of man to rub it in that the DCs are having a fab time at the weekend, doing things that cost money, with a woman who is not their mother, while their mother is working unsocial hours?

Is he trying to buy the DCs' affections here, and is he trying to alienate them fro their mother?