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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH says he hates our new house and wants to move

271 replies

TimeRoStop · 07/05/2022 22:24

About six months ago DH and I left central london with our DC and moved to the Home Counties. The reasons for the move were that I don't want to raise DC in central london (crime, too busy, quality of the housing we could afford) and to buy a house.

We now live near Beaconsfield, it takes us about 40 mins from leaving our house to central london. We aren't in the centre of the town but have a beautiful, decent sized house in a semi rural area. The community is lovely, DC are happy and both of us work in london (me part time, him full time.)

DH hates the commute. He was born and raised in central london. He misses so much about our old life - his community, the tube, being in the thick of it all, walking to everything. Now we are reliant on a car but the trade off is a beautiful home, garden, safe area, good schools, amazing countryside. I fundamentally believe it's a better upbringing for DC (not hating london just my opinion) and we are in london very frequently anyway, a few times a week!

He has said he can't ever settle here and wants to move back to london but we could only afford a flat. I don't want to move and uproot the family. I hate his negativity and to be honest he is like that horrible stereotype of a Londoner who thinks everything outside of london has no value at all.

AIBU to say no to moving back? I'm worried this will divide us.

OP posts:
skirtingkurtain · 07/05/2022 22:27

Is the journey 40 mins door to door? i would say that's a normal London to London commute although granted maybe not if you live in Z1.

RhiWrites · 07/05/2022 22:30

Six months is not enough time to settle or know if he can “ever settle”. And he certainly won’t settle if he can only see the negatives of where you are and the positives about London.

I think he needs to give it time and open his heart to where you are - and consider how happy the rest of the family is.

tiredanddangerous · 07/05/2022 22:35

40 minutes is a perfectly normal commute! He needs to give it longer than six months and he needs to really put in the effort to settle in the new house.

Eatingpizza · 07/05/2022 22:37

Sorry for this situation. We are similar. Dh has to live in the city and has refused to move to the country. Me and dd are happy enough in the city, but I know dd would have loved the country. So we live in the city, but visit friends in the country regularly. Had i have insisted we'd be where you are now.

In this situation someone has to compromise. It sounds like your dh is regretting it. How old are your kids? That would be the deciding factor for me. But they'd have to be pretty young to even consider moving them again. After agreeing to the move and going so far as to buy a house your dh really has to give it a go for a couple of years.

Quartz2208 · 07/05/2022 22:41

You have made a very normal decision and he needs to give it time and centre it around his needs

YANBU

OfstedOffred · 07/05/2022 22:41

If you have a decent sized house in or around beaconsfield, you could easily have afforded more than a flat in London

misses point of thread

Original poster
TimeRoStop · 07/05/2022 22:41

Kids are 3 and 6. It's been a big move for them and I'm devastated at the thought of moving them again. He was on board with the move, suggested the location etc. I always worried he would be like this but never feared it would get this bad. I thought he had settled and now he's just come out with all this saying he "hates" it. He's a misery over it.

OP posts:
Neu · 07/05/2022 22:42

Bear in mind that is six WINTERY months...he needs to give it a year and think of the whole family not just himself

Original poster
TimeRoStop · 07/05/2022 22:43

@OfstedOffred yes the house was expensive but he only wanted to live in his area of london which is very pricey (he wouldn't just move to a cheaper part of london, nor did I want to). Now he's so desperate I think he would rather live anywhere in london.

OP posts:
Boiledbeetle · 07/05/2022 22:45

Tell him to get over himself and to suck it up!

You made the decision together to move I presume? So he had his opportunity to say "No I don't want to do this".

He needs to give it longer, and if he still doesn't like it maybe look for a different job closer to new home.

Addicted2LuvIsland · 07/05/2022 22:46

Beaconsfield is lovely. It would be one of my choices if I moved out of London. I am sorry you're going through this. 6 months is no time and he is bound to feel uncomfortable because he has lived in Central London his whole life - it can take a ywar to settle. Can you have a group of friends down and have them ohhhh and ahhh about the new house? And maybe find some cool couples from the school to hang out with. There must be one or two that have also made the move from London. It may help. It would be a shame to uproot and move into a flat - there are lots of areas in London where there are lovely houses but I don't know of that's doable. It's a lot of back and forth with the kids too.

I am sure it will be ok - he probably needs more time.

theviscountess · 07/05/2022 22:46

You do need more time. My DH was really unsettled when we first moved to this house and hated his commute (and we’d only moved across the city!) and we had a lot of sleepless nights about it but he did settle about 6-9 months in. It takes some time.

OfstedOffred · 07/05/2022 22:46

Are you actually in beaconsfield? Or one of the villages? Because some of the villages really are the polar opposite of london, and I can imagine a die hard londoner could really struggle to settle.

waterrat · 07/05/2022 22:46

Hmm. Having recently moved and being unsure I think you need to listen to him. Surely with two in a marriage you both need to be happy? Semi rural is incredibly different to living in London.

6 and 3 is very young they would resettle. My kids have just moved and my 7 yesr old has barely blinked about it. I'm panicking about my own move and I think my 7 Yr old could handle moving back! Older one not so eaiky. The 3 year old won't even notice.

Is there a compromise?

OfstedOffred · 07/05/2022 22:47

Ps the area is full of people who've left London

Herejustforthisone · 07/05/2022 22:49

Yeah, he needs to grow up. This is about more than just him. It’s quite pathetic, really. He’s a ghastly stereotype.

Plus 40 minutes is a really standard commute when living in the city.

LabiaMinoraPissusFlapus · 07/05/2022 22:51

My personal experience of moving (3 times) is that it takes two years to partially settle, and four years to fully settle in a new area. That may just be me though!

Herejustforthisone · 07/05/2022 22:52

He needs to spend a summer in his new semi-country home, seeing his kids playing in their own garden. Compared to sweltering day in London, stuck in a flat, there’s a clearly superior choice for your children.

Merryoldgoat · 07/05/2022 22:58

So You’ve moved from a fashionable part of London (guessing from the talk of the cost) to somewhere provincial?

it’s a big change and not one I would do for a variety of reasons.

are you open to moving back? If so
have a proper discussion.

Agree a timescale to discuss again
Decude on London areas you can actually afford and whether you could live there really.
Weigh it all up and decide together.

he might feel better not being shut down but actually feeling heard and having a plan.

If you lived in Chelsea, moved to Beaconsfield but could only afford to move back to Morden then is that a move worth doing? Probably not.

if you could move to Wimbledon? Wandsworth? Maybe.

The commute is a smokescreen - he feels displaced and needs to know moving back is a possibility if he needs to.

friskybivalves · 07/05/2022 23:00

I agree with all others that six months is no time at all and he is being a total manchild. Yes - it's important that both partners in a marriage are happy but given the upheaval of any big move - and I think particularly after the surreal and seismic changes of COVID and lockdowns - he owes it to the whole family to give this a proper shot. Like very much cunning idea of getting friends down to oooh and aaaah over the amazing amount of space you have etc.

The house you moved from may also be relevant. Friends of mine did this: both were seemingly keen on moving out of London but it didn't go well initially. They moved from a house that had been the DH's before they ever got married. She had sold her property in the meantime: moved in with him. All v happy, had DCs etc. Then they put all their joint money into the big new pile in the country. But it turned out he'd never really got over being made to leave what had been his happy former bachelor house. Thought he/they would stay there forever. Couldn't settle in new place. Probably irrelevant to your situation altogether!!

Has he shown tendencies before of being impulsive/ making snap decisions or assessments that he simply can't be shifted on?

Also - is the journey to London a 40 min commute by car or is that door to door by public transport? Either way it's really not hard.

Pipsquiggle · 07/05/2022 23:05

He needs to give it more time. Not sure which village /semi-rural spot you're in but it will be a culture shock for him, I live close by.

The schools around there are amazing. There are loads of like minded people who have done the same as you - make sure you befriend them.

My mates who have stayed in London to bring up kids have also had substantial pay increases which has meant that they could buy the space they need - all their houses are over £2m. Everyone else has moved out of the capital for more space.

He needs to give it more time. See if you can take him to pub in the park next week in Marlow if food is his thing

Original poster
TimeRoStop · 07/05/2022 23:06

@Merryoldgoat I think you're spot on that he feels displaced. The problem is I'm not open to the idea of moving back. Not never, but I think his line of thinking is madness. I feel like I'm thinking about the DC and he's thinking about himself. I don't want to raise them in central London, I personally don't think it's very safe and I also find it too busy.

OP posts:
BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 07/05/2022 23:07

40 minutes is generally a standard commute for most people in most areas right? Surely even London central tubes and chages and all sorts all added up is 40mins unless you live a short work from work.

dreamingbohemian · 07/05/2022 23:11

Well I'd agree with your husband but he was unreasonable to go through with the move in the first place.

If he's really miserable I think it's worth exploring whether you could move back to another greener part of London you could afford (SE somewhere?) The kids are still young and would cope.

It's unfair to assume he'll 'settle' like a household pet or something. He might not, I know I wouldn't.

BluegrassBlues · 07/05/2022 23:12

Laughing at a PP calling Beaconsfield provincial!! AFAIK it's full of ex-Londoners and commuters anyway, you'll both find friends and he'll get over himself. Tbh his attitude is why Londoners sometimes have the reputation of being utter twats.

YANBU, six months is hardly any time. He needs to give it longer (18 months?), and see how he's doing then.