DH says he hates our new house and wants to move

[TimeRoStop]

About six months ago DH and I left central london with our DC and moved to the Home Counties. The reasons for the move were that I don't want to raise DC in central london (crime, too busy, quality of the housing we could afford) and to buy a house.

We now live near Beaconsfield, it takes us about 40 mins from leaving our house to central london. We aren't in the centre of the town but have a beautiful, decent sized house in a semi rural area. The community is lovely, DC are happy and both of us work in london (me part time, him full time.)

DH hates the commute. He was born and raised in central london. He misses so much about our old life - his community, the tube, being in the thick of it all, walking to everything. Now we are reliant on a car but the trade off is a beautiful home, garden, safe area, good schools, amazing countryside. I fundamentally believe it's a better upbringing for DC (not hating london just my opinion) and we are in london very frequently anyway, a few times a week!

He has said he can't ever settle here and wants to move back to london but we could only afford a flat. I don't want to move and uproot the family. I hate his negativity and to be honest he is like that horrible stereotype of a Londoner who thinks everything outside of london has no value at all.

AIBU to say no to moving back? I'm worried this will divide us.

I can imagine it being a culture shock. I wonder if it would have been better if you had been more central to Beaconsfield so at least at weekends you could walk into the town/village and visit coffee shops and cafes without driving? (assuming you are further away as you said semi-rural).
Beaconsfield is lovely, especially the Old Town, plus you have Bekonscot , what's not to love?
You need to find some ways to embed him to the area. Mates at the golf club or something.

You need to agree that he gives it longer, say 2 years, and then you will review the situation and consider moving again. You’ve both compromised something then.

Plus their could be more to his motives , an affair perhaps ?

Seriously? 🙄

This happened to my friends, I told them they would be bored out of their minds there and would regret it! They did , and moved back but not central, a pretty north London suburb so have the best of both. I would absolutely hate having to drive to a station or drive every time I need milk. Suits some but he's obviously not one of those. He really should have thought this through

Be careful in your thinking and don’t turn your husband into a villain that doesn’t care about the kids!

London has huge amounts to offer young families and teens. It may not suit your image of the perfect childhood but there isn’t anything wrong with it.

I'm in Ireland so I don't know the places mentioned (Beaconsfield, I mean, not London!) but it sounds lovely, the idea of a semi-rural location but close to a small town & still accessible to London!

Back to OP, it's too soon for your DP to know & you need to discuss a medium term plan. I think packing up & moving again would be madness, personally, and surely very expensive.

@TimeRoStop I never anticipated how much our recent move to a new area would have affected me mentally, and it's a move I really wanted.

We moved about 9 months ago out of a city where I had lived for about 15 years to a more rural area near a large town. I still work part time in the city and it's also about a 40 minute commute or so.

I had been more worried about the kids settling and hadn't really considered me. The kids are fine and love it and love their new school/childcare. I just felt so unsettled and I couldn't really put my finger on why. I missed the old house even though I hated how small it was when we lived in it. I think that travelling back into the city for work unsettled me too and one day I had to drive near to the old house and I just had this overwhelming desire to drive there, walk in and pop myself on the sofa!

I think I'm slowly getting there now, but I've found it pretty tough. It has just taken time and trying to go easy on myself. I have to remind myself that we're still close enough to the city to enjoy it when we want, we have lots more space at an affordable price, and the kids are happy.

I don't get this really. He hasn't had to move job, he still visits London everyday you are close enough to keep the same friends and visit at weekends. You both agreed to the move as something to benefit the whole family, he needs to give it at least another year.

I think your husband is getting a hard time here. Big moves are a shock and you aren’t going to know how you feel until you do it - if he’s commuting 5 days a week and he’s never done it before he’s probably feeling a bit dazed. Starting again to make friends in a new community when your old life is in London and you are knackered from commuting is hard too.

Going from central london to semi rural would be a massive change anyway. I think rather than tell him he has to give it 2 years (that’s a long time to be unhappy without a discussion), ask him to give it a full year in your new home and then have a cards on the table chat.

I think it’s easy to make this about the kids and go down the route or we cant possibly raise them in central london, but I think this is about the two of you and you need to find a way forward that works for both of you.

Not fair to call him a manchild etc. His reasoning is understandable and you need to respect his feeling of being displaced, just as you would expect him to respect how you feel about a major life issue. The most important thing is that you are together as a family, wherever that is.

The move was clearly to big a change and if he continues to hate it I think you will need to compromise so greater London (ie zone 4 - still accessible by tube) houses (not flats with decent outdoor spaces) in your budget and good schools. I had a look at Beaconsfield and It wouldn't be for me either tbf and although we live in London I am not a die hard londoner.

Did you post about this recently? Turns out dhs commute was a drive or bike ride to and from station or something? You made the comparison you do it a couple of times a week but others had to point out its different when you have to commute every day.

Your dh won't have had the time you have to integrate into the community either. He does need to give it a chance

Nobody can really complain (to a receptive audience) about a 40 minute commute.

Does he have a half hour walk to the station on top of the 40 mins

Just googled Beaconsfield. God it's lovely. We don't have towns like that in Ireland - I'd love to live there!

Reading a Guardian article on it, it seems pricey. So I imagine that you would have options to return to London, if you ultimately decide that

me too, googled it and it looks lovely. I was picturing somewhere like Celbridge, nice town with clubs for the DC, community feeling, drama groups, gaa, couple of pubs, library, coffee shops, but but but a 20 minute walk to hazel hatch station. No wonder houses are cheaper there. I did think about getting a moped!

I think when you move out of the centre, everybody seems to be so homogenous, that's what's stifling. Instead of talking about bars where to be seen :-p suddenly the conversation is about who got an extension and the gossip is so small town

I am also like your husband. In you message you talk about you wanting to move and your reasons for moving. Did he just go along with it thinking it would be fine? I also made a move out of central london to a house in zone 4 and after nine months - we will be moving. It's just not the same and life is too short. Plus as I parent, I make lots of sacrifices for my kids - every single day. I cant also live somewhere that doesnt feel right just because of them.

In your case, would it work to move back to London but somewhere other than Central London. Having grown up in London - I think it's a great place for kids and at your budget, I am sure you can afford a house somewhere slightly further out with good schools.

Is it less diverse than London. When I moved from zone 3 to zone 6, I couldn't believe how everybody was white (I'm white, but it was a bit like the truman show) and everybody read the guardian and everybody had a degree and everybody recycled and everybody cared about the same things and nobody swore. I felt like I wasn't perfect enough.

But beaconsfield isn’t lovely; it’s a culture vacuum of lots of very rich people with competitively expensive cars and nothing more than five years old in their house. Sure there’s one Thai restaurant and a sushi bar but ethnic supermarket? Try Waitrose. Diversity? Well there are some Indian and Russian families behind huge gates. There’s a glossy veneer but very very hard to find depth. I am fully with your husband. At least eg Kingston or Ealing have a bit of life going on in them. Good luck to your husband; it’s much harder to find your gang (eye roll to whoever said “find the cool parents at school “) when you’re commuting daily and even more so in the surrounding villages and not doing the school runs every day / playing golf. You don’t say whether you are working/ commuting or not- but if you aren’t, his experience of this new life will be nothing but inconvenience while you have play dates in acres of marble.

I don't think he's given it long enough to write it off yet. I think you need a full year somewhere new before it's possible to see the positives as well as the negatives.

A friend who moved to Sussex from SW2 hated it to start with. She moved in autumn, so had a few months of leaving and getting home in the dark, which really got her down. She couldn't bear not being home in daylight for 5 days at a stretch. She got really pissed off about things like having to drive 10 miles to the nearest M&S, not having a local pharmacy that was open after 6pm etc. And she hated her commute.

Her feelings started to change a bit after the clocks had gone forward in the spring. She started to enjoy seeing countryside from the train on the way home. Come the summer, and the first time it was light enough for them to go for a stroll in the fields behind their house after work, she really started to see the positives. Being able to sit in the garden on a sunny afternoon and enjoy birdsong instead of traffic noise interspersed with sirens was a delightful novelty. They are a 15 minute drive from the coast, and being able to pop to the beach for a couple of hours on the spur of the moment, rather than it taking hours in the car and being an all day event that required planning was a revelation for her. Knowing the parking places that only the locals know made it even better.

She bloody loves it now, and thinks it was the best thing they've ever done, but it took a couple of years before she felt that way, and in the first 9 months or so she really wanted to move back. And she especially loves it now her boys are older and wanting to go out on their own. She mentally gives thanks that she moved at every report of violent crime in south London.

I live rurally in the SW and when I visit relatives and living in London Satalite towns / villages I always feel there is just bot as much to do. Becauae it's so close to London that everyone goes there for entertainment so less available locally. And it is still so built up it's not proper countryside, just a series of country larks and golf courses. Plus all the commuters coming and going means it all feels a bit transient. I find it a bit claustraphobic so can see where dh is coming from. I also see where you are coming from. We moved from a much smaller city to a village when my kids were babies for all the same reasons as you. I think you bith need a bit more time and you need to work really hard to create a new community for him to help him feel settled.

YABU. London is an amazing place to raise children, full of museums and parks and adventure playgrounds and excellent state schools and theatre and music and a wonderful mix of cultures and people.

You are not 'thinking of the children' any more than he is. You don't have the moral high ground here.

YANBU to want something different, or to hate all the negatives of London (pollution, expense, crowds) and think they outweigh the benefits. But your preference is no better or worse for your dc.

Your dh should give it a year, at least. But he's not wrong, he's not being difficult, he just prefers a life you do not.

You don’t say whether you are working/ commuting or not

She does - she is!

People are humans. Moving away from your roots/community is no small thing. That big beautiful semi rural house sounds a bit lonely. Some areas have a constant stream of Londoners moving into the bigger houses , redecorating expensively, getting bored and selling up.
Appreciate Beaconsfield isn't a village but you absolutely have to get involved in something to meet people, football team, school governor etc. Unless you are mega friendly and can somehow break into the school gate circle. It's even harder for Dads and commuters.

6 months is a bad time when someone has made a big move.
It's a classic point to regret the transition. I say this as someone who emigrated, and have seen it mentioned many times on emigration boards - 6m is the big moment when everything new is overwhelming rather than exciting, but is still too new to feel familiar yet.

He needs to hold out for a few more months, get over the 6m hump, and THEN make a less emotional judgement on the situation.

Ask him to give it another 6 months and reevaluate it then.