DH says he hates our new house and wants to move

[TimeRoStop]

About six months ago DH and I left central london with our DC and moved to the Home Counties. The reasons for the move were that I don't want to raise DC in central london (crime, too busy, quality of the housing we could afford) and to buy a house.

We now live near Beaconsfield, it takes us about 40 mins from leaving our house to central london. We aren't in the centre of the town but have a beautiful, decent sized house in a semi rural area. The community is lovely, DC are happy and both of us work in london (me part time, him full time.)

DH hates the commute. He was born and raised in central london. He misses so much about our old life - his community, the tube, being in the thick of it all, walking to everything. Now we are reliant on a car but the trade off is a beautiful home, garden, safe area, good schools, amazing countryside. I fundamentally believe it's a better upbringing for DC (not hating london just my opinion) and we are in london very frequently anyway, a few times a week!

He has said he can't ever settle here and wants to move back to london but we could only afford a flat. I don't want to move and uproot the family. I hate his negativity and to be honest he is like that horrible stereotype of a Londoner who thinks everything outside of london has no value at all.

AIBU to say no to moving back? I'm worried this will divide us.

We moved a similar move when we got married and I can say the commute means nothing. Urban to any form of rural is huge, from being able to walk and get anywhere to needing to having to use the car is so stifling. We live in the country but are surrounded by a handful of houses which is a compromise as we'd never be able to own in the city but if I got the chance tomorrow to own there I would pack up our idyllic house in a heartbeat. People can call it irrational but you like what you like and can't help it if you have a place where you fully feel'ah, this is the life.' I would say this is a huge issue, people who are saying to give it a few years and that he is a man child- a few years? Would you give a job 2 years of a chance if you were miserable? Or a relationship?

When I first moved out of London (30 years ago now), there were so few non-white people here that you knew who they were when you saw them. It was very weird. Thankfully, that has changed.

They still sell more Guardians than all the other papers put together though. And there's always been plenty of swearing.😁

I agree with this. Why did you choose a house (him too) where you had to drive to the station? Beacons field is lovely - I grew up in a town nearby - but if I was leaving London to move there I'd want to be right in the village where I could still walk. What was both your thinking choosing the house you did?

He has to give it time @TimeRoStop . This has been a huge move for him, if he's lived in London his whole life, and with working FT he's barely in your new home and town, it's just a place he sleeps and spends weekends.

I've moved many times in my life and it takes at least two years IMO to feel settled in a new place. You need that long to set up your new life - find a hairdresser (or barber) you like, get to know the people in the gym or the local running group, or whatever, find some nice places you like to eat, to visit for a walk, the nice places to take the kids, etc. You don't figure all that out in six months, particularly when you're working FT and commuting back and forth every day.

We did a similar move to you, out of London and to a nice commuter town nearby and I agree with him that commuting into London every day is brutal. It just is. Jumping on the tube, even for a similar length of time, is easier than driving to the station, parking the car, getting the train, then getting the tube, then walking to work. It is a grind, but you made the decision to move together, for your kids, to have a bigger house, and if he just gives it a chance then he may grow to love it. He's got to give it a chance though. We've been out of London for 12 years now and we'd never go back, but in those early days I'd have returned like a shot.

There’s no way he walks out your front door & sits down at his desk 40 minutes later.

I do understand why you made the move you did, but it sounds like it’s his inflexibility which landed you in Beaconsfield instead of a compromise postcode in London.

I live in the centre of a small city in the SE and I would absolutely hate the village/semi rural life, bigger house be damned, but I am also a rational adult and wouldn’t make that move & then moan about it six months later! I know already I would hate it. Why did your DH agree to this move in the first place? Did he really not think it through at all?

Your children don’t care, btw. No adult ever looks back at their childhood and says “Yes, I grew up in London, apart from the six months we spent in Beaconsfield before I started primary school. We put down such roots! No I can’t remember anything about it. But the yearning in my heart remains.” They really don’t think about it, certainly not at this age and certainly not after just six months.

Bit harsh 😁- but it’s not just about the lovely countryside is it. If the culture clash is the issue I have to smile at the suggestion from a pp that your DH should try and make friends at the local golf club.

As most pp have said, your DH needs to give it longer. As long as you move back to London before the DC start secondary you still have options.

This is really annoying and it seems that it is only ever said about London, never any other cities. This man was born in London and grew up there. Why is him leaving the place he grew up in “growing up”?

If I’m honest, I’m a bit surprised he agreed to the move. I suspect that the OP talked a LOT about how much she didn’t want to live in London any more. This is also valid but I wonder why you didn’t talk about it more before you were married.

Growing up in London is different to growing up in the Home Counties - not better or worse, just different. Having a large garden is not an absolutely essential part of being a child (I certainly didn’t have this) otherwise there would never be any children living in the centre of cities.

Growing up in a flat isn’t a dreadful thing, lots of people do it. Even people who are very well off only have bedrooms for the number of people in their family - no spare room.

Was it a few years ago? Fast trains are now really quick, around 25 minutes. Your drive will obviously takes you longer when you include parking. I'm a 10 minute walk from the station and I can get to Soho in 45 minutes.

I moved from London to near beaconsfield. I think if you don't like beaconsfield you're stuffed (I get it I don't really like it that much either) I don't think there's much of a better area to move to. It's very safe. It's clean it's nice.

But, London has so much to do. If you like that lifestyle there's not many places to replace it. I am so so bored now. Once you've visited all that's there it does get monotonous. However, house prices have gone through the roof up here. You should easily be able to move back or at least a closer commute. We missed London so much we'd still drive there every weekend.

Then we realised this is so stupid. So now we've decided for the dc sake and their lungs (let's face it the air is better quality) that we'll finish primary school here then move somewhere else asap. Maybe that could be your compromise? Also you might need to think about secondary schools. There aren't that many outside of the grammars.Could be the next time to move.

Exactly this. I live in a town in Wiltshire that has formed a community around being on a trainline but still 1h30 from London Paddington. I live in the town centre and I can walk to the cinema in 5 minutes, various chain restaurants and independents, a country park, 6 supermarkets including a large M&S, a garden centre. The town hall does a trendy artisan market, film nights, and gigs. We are a 20 minute drive or train from Bath and 35 minutes from Bristol.

I kind of thought most market towns were like this and fairly buzzy in the week and then I went to Wokingham on a weekday. Absolutely dead.

I agree. I would suggest that you both give it a year, and if he is still unhappy, look at what options will work for both of you, in terms of location.

Issue is that compromise postcodes in London are often not very nice and the commute is much longer. Beaconsfield isn't a village/rural. There are around 40 restaurants and the population is around 10,000, which is similar to highgate (but without the incessant noise traffic/lack of parking).

You clearly have no idea what you're talking about!

I'm sure you posted about the commute side of this already.

Anyway, you've only lived there six months - that's no time at all and you've not even spent a summer in your new house yet. He needs to give it some more time (at least another year) but you also need to be open to the idea that you may need to move again too.

It shouldn't be a case of "well, you agreed to move here so suck it up" because nobody knows how they'll feel in a new place until they've lived there for a while and settled in a bit.

He needs to give it time but you also need to be open to the idea of moving somewhere closer to London too. It's hard to leave your hometown and everything you've ever known, so I do have some sympathy for him.

I would feel a part of me were missing if I were moved out of London. Some of us just love London and all (Central) London has to offer for us and our families

You are not unreasonable to have a different opinion; but nor is your husband. I'd be considering what may happen long term if something doesn't change i.e. your husband doesn't start to feel more at home in the new area or you refuse to move. That's not to say either of you should feel blackmailed into doing what the other wants, but it needs a lot of talking and hearing each other to see if there's some sort of middle ground. The kids are young enough to settle somewhere new again without it having a massive impact on education or making new friends.

Bit sceptical on 40 mins. The train alone is 30

Same here. It was tough watching friends move out in the primary years and it did make me wobble that we should do the same, but lots have also stayed and now our DD is at secondary we realise how brilliant it is for her growing up in the capital (we're zone 2). She has lots of freedom, walks everywhere to see her mates and has everything on her doorstep. She loves it and I'm so happy we stayed.

The move is different for the children but not better. So not prioritising the children

london generally has good schools and lots of choice. Much more independence for teenagers . Much more culture etc

we moved out and deeply regretted it. Moved back now chijdren have left home. They both live in London now as well

I agree with the PP above that it’s a bizarre MN trope that adults who want to continue living in London past the age of 25 need to ‘grow up’. What about people born and raised in London? It’s not immature to like it and want the lifestyle and god forbid, raise kids there!

I agree he is foolish for agreeing to the move but he was either strongarmed into it by the sound of things or just underestimated what the change would be like. He does have his own snobbishness to blame partly though if he refused to consider any other London postcodes. Many places further out in SE London have plenty of large green parks, a community feel and short commutes, and are more affordable.

Oh and my parents moved out of London before I was born, but my dad used to take me down to visit a lot. Guess what I did as soon as I was old enough? Moved back to London. I wish they’d raised me there, I’d have had a much more interesting and diverse childhood.

I'm a bit surprised that everyone is talking here like moving is free - surely moving and then moving back months in the way OP's husband wants to will mean thousands and thousands in stamp duty, fees and moving costs thrown away? And putting a house back on the market so soon will make it harder to sell. I'd find all that hard not to resent for a choice he completely willingly made and then changed his mind on. I also wouldn't be convinced it'll be the end of it - OP says he'll now consider the 'compromise' bits of London he wouldn't before but who's to say that he won't then decide six months late that actually that isn't good enough either?

He needs to get over himself

does he really think that as your kids grow
its going to be preferable for you all to live in a tiny flat as opposed to an actual house.

i have come across quite a lot of people who have a dim view of anywhere outside zone6. Find them quite insufferable tbh

@Frazzled2207 you’re massively underestimating the cost of a beaconsfield house. The alternative isn’t a flat in London, it’s a house in London with a smaller garden.

Semi rural might be nicer for younger children but certainly not for teenagers. They’ll have to be driven everywhere and won’t have the freedom they would have had in London. Personally I think Beaconsfield is soulless but you’d have been better off living in the town.

It doesn’t really matter whether or not he is being unreasonable, if he’s unhappy then you’ll be unhappy too.

why don’t you try to compromise, he gives it a good go for 2 yrs and if then he is still very unhappy, you’ll move back. I know you don’t want to but one of you has to concede.

I can fully understand his discomfort, London is more than housing, it’s a vibe and a lifestyle and any nice semi rural place can feel like a cultural wasteland by comparison.