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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DH says he hates our new house and wants to move

271 replies

TimeRoStop · 07/05/2022 22:24

About six months ago DH and I left central london with our DC and moved to the Home Counties. The reasons for the move were that I don't want to raise DC in central london (crime, too busy, quality of the housing we could afford) and to buy a house.

We now live near Beaconsfield, it takes us about 40 mins from leaving our house to central london. We aren't in the centre of the town but have a beautiful, decent sized house in a semi rural area. The community is lovely, DC are happy and both of us work in london (me part time, him full time.)

DH hates the commute. He was born and raised in central london. He misses so much about our old life - his community, the tube, being in the thick of it all, walking to everything. Now we are reliant on a car but the trade off is a beautiful home, garden, safe area, good schools, amazing countryside. I fundamentally believe it's a better upbringing for DC (not hating london just my opinion) and we are in london very frequently anyway, a few times a week!

He has said he can't ever settle here and wants to move back to london but we could only afford a flat. I don't want to move and uproot the family. I hate his negativity and to be honest he is like that horrible stereotype of a Londoner who thinks everything outside of london has no value at all.

AIBU to say no to moving back? I'm worried this will divide us.

OP posts:

Hmm1234 · 09/05/2022 21:36

Maybe you could compromise and move to croydon. Sure you’ll be able to afford much more than a flat there

Crikeyalmighty · 09/05/2022 21:55

I actually have less and less sympathy the more you post- clearly you too would have been fine with SW London etc but he's insisting it's one postcode like Chelsea or Notting Hill or Islington or something similar or not at all! That's being plain ridiculous and not factoring his family in at all-- clearly a selfish man child-

thing47 · 09/05/2022 22:03

Beaconsfield is tiny - I wonder if your husband would be happier in a slightly bigger town? Henley, Marlow, Guildford, Sevenoaks, St Albans?

Interesting set of comparisons you've chosen, @IrisVersicolor. Henley and Marlow are very similar size to Beaconsfield in fact, at least in terms of population. St Albans is at least 10 times bigger than any of them. I don't know Guildford or Sevenoaks well enough to say…

Trains are cheaper and more frequent on the Amersham/Chesham/Chalfont line, that's true (about a third of the price in fact). But I'm afraid no train from Amersham will get you into London in 20 minutes, the fastest is about 35 to Marylebone, the Metropolitan Line into Baker Street is 45-50 minutes so the commute would be longer.

Bangolads · 09/05/2022 22:49

Beaconsfield is lovely - so close to the chilterns. We moved from london the country 18months ago. It took about 8 months for my OH to settle in. We now miss London but we LOVE it here. He’ll come round - stand your ground.

MyrtlethePurpleTurtle · 10/05/2022 06:19

TimeRoStop · 09/05/2022 11:07

We had a budget of £950k for 3 bedrooms and a garden, wanted a house ideally. I wanted Richmond and he said no and chose our area which I was also happy with. For that in Richmond it would be a tiny 3 bed terrace.

Is Richmond even on London? It’s right at the end of the tube line

DashboardConfessional · 10/05/2022 07:12

MyrtlethePurpleTurtle · 10/05/2022 06:19

Is Richmond even on London? It’s right at the end of the tube line

Show quote history

Yes, the clue being that it's called The London Borough of Richmond upon Thames. 😁

Agilitynut · 10/05/2022 07:18

Omg this sound just like my husband, I can't stand London ,country born and bred I managed 2 years in London and hated it as did kids,we moved back to the new forest so beaches, forest, all within 5 mins from home,but no he hates it,like you say missed the noise,pace of life, transport, maybe it's just a case of what you get use to, but I feel where we are is nicer pace of life, just my opinion, doesn't mean I'm right 😊

Leftbutcameback · 10/05/2022 07:19

Just ask him to give it another 6 months and you'll talk again. It dies take a long time to get used to a big change like that. There's no point in breaking up a relationship if in a few months he starts to like where you live. And he may find a summer in a lovely area changes his mind.

IrisVersicolor · 10/05/2022 07:52

thing47 · 09/05/2022 22:03

Beaconsfield is tiny - I wonder if your husband would be happier in a slightly bigger town? Henley, Marlow, Guildford, Sevenoaks, St Albans?

They are but they have much more going on, Henley has more shops and the river. You could live in the centre and feel like you’re ‘in the thick of it’. They don’t even live in Beaconsfield, but outside it, just moving into the town might make a difference.

Problem with Henley is having to change at Twyford which lengthens the journey.

Alcemeg · 10/05/2022 08:16

I think if he's used to living in the same sort of area all his life, it's going to take a while for him to adjust to such a different scene. Especially if travel has made a substantial dent in his free time (admittedly lots of people consider that a normal commute, but that's not the point if you've never had to do it).

Years ago I remember howling with pain when my parents sold their grotty little house on a busy dual carriageway and retired to the countryside. I felt uprooted, and it wasn't even my life! The place we call "home" is deeply emotional, not logical, and probably wired into some kind of animal instinct. Give it time, it's early days yet.

Hopefully the summer will help him adjust to all the nice things about being near open countryside!

In the meantime, could a friend in London rent him a room to use as a pied-a-terre during the week?

Ariela · 10/05/2022 10:38

I suggest that as the cost of moving (EA fees, solicitors, and above all stamp duty is humongous aside from actual removal costs), that you propose to your DH that you do nothing but save for a year to cover moving costs, and agree after the year to then decide what to do. And in the mean time you agree to do regular research trips to investigate other areas of London you both might like and could afford, which means spending a day at a time there finding out what's on, what the facilities are etc.

Then in the meantime you also ensure you rope DH into the local community, make sure you attend the school fete and involve via the school, join in anything on offer 'for the kids' in the local community. Make sure you join the Beaconsfield Community FB group and get involved in local stuff that's going on, and you may find he loves it once you have friends and community around you.

Drizzling · 10/05/2022 10:57

Must admit I'm laughing at the idea a previous poster suggested that implies everyone living beaconsfield is doing so to avoid non white people, as if beaconsfield is a known white nationalist hub. Pretty insulting to all who live there!

janie17 · 10/05/2022 12:00

I feel he is being very selfish. He was given the choice and is now only thinking of himself. I think you need to stick to your guns for the sake of you and the children. He needs to stop sulking!

SleeplessInEngland · 10/05/2022 12:20

Laurajane1987 · 09/05/2022 20:18

Maybe it's just me but many of these comments are stupidly harsh. If op was on her saying oh we've moved away from my home where I've spent all my life and I'm desperately unhappy and want to move back but my husband really isn't on board then everyone would be cooing and screaming ltb and go home/life is too short
He agreed to the relocation and now he's unsettled and unhappy, he's voiced how unhappy he is to his wife, which is all perfectly reasonable. Personally I'd be setting a time limit for a further discussion. If he's still unhappy in another 6 months then a very frank conversation needs to happen, whilst the move does benefit the rest of the family you can't just ignore his feelings if he's truely miserable. Comments like man child and 'suck it up' wouldn't be tolerated if the roles were reversed and I feel like everyone is just disregarding how absolutely horrible it is to feel unhappy in your own home. Maybe hopefully given time he will settle, especially when better weather comes, I agree with whoever said to invite a few friends down, if more of your friends came semi regularly for BBQs or meals etc he'd feel less stranded (stranded is a tad dramatic but you know what I mean)

If the sexes were reversed I'd still be asking why the wife agreed in the first place and is now complaining about things that were totally predictable.

Yeah, you can't always know how a house or immediate area will 'feel' until living there but he's no excuse to be surprised by the longer commute or what amenities are lacking.

VestaTilley · 10/05/2022 12:25

He needs to give it a year to eighteen months. Beaconsfield is practically London anyway! It’s so quick to get there on the train from Marylebone.

Please don’t uproot your DC again. If DH is truly miserable revisit in two years, but no way I’d leave a comfortable house and garden with access to great schools in exchange for a flat in central London. Not when you’re only 40 mins away anyhow.

TeenPlusCat · 10/05/2022 12:58

Beaconsfield is practically London anyway!

Best laugh I've had in ages reading that!

TuxedoJunction · 10/05/2022 13:12

This! No way would I be sacrificing new found larger indoor and outdoor space with two young children for a central London flat either 😐.

Augustmummy · 17/05/2022 20:07

If he is still working in London every day, I really don't see what his problem is unless he wants to stay out until the early hours of the morning. Can he not still enjoy London without having to live there? I used to commute from Brighton to London and loved it - the train ride and everything. I got to know London whilst experience Brighton. Is it Beaconsfield that he dislikes or just that it is not London? If he really hates it there, I would consider moving until you find something mutually loved - not necessarily central London though....

pollymere · 19/05/2022 17:50

BTW... The old 18:19 train used to run fast to Amersham and seriously did take about twenty minutes...

pollymere · 19/05/2022 17:50

BTW... The old 18:19 train used to run fast to Amersham and seriously did take about twenty minutes...

stayathomer · 19/05/2022 18:04

That's being plain ridiculous and not factoring his family in at all-- clearly a selfish man child
he works full time and op works pt and so gets to spend more time with the kids in the lovely new place and less time commuting. I feel like people are forgetting this.

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