DH says he hates our new house and wants to move

[TimeRoStop]

About six months ago DH and I left central london with our DC and moved to the Home Counties. The reasons for the move were that I don't want to raise DC in central london (crime, too busy, quality of the housing we could afford) and to buy a house.

We now live near Beaconsfield, it takes us about 40 mins from leaving our house to central london. We aren't in the centre of the town but have a beautiful, decent sized house in a semi rural area. The community is lovely, DC are happy and both of us work in london (me part time, him full time.)

DH hates the commute. He was born and raised in central london. He misses so much about our old life - his community, the tube, being in the thick of it all, walking to everything. Now we are reliant on a car but the trade off is a beautiful home, garden, safe area, good schools, amazing countryside. I fundamentally believe it's a better upbringing for DC (not hating london just my opinion) and we are in london very frequently anyway, a few times a week!

He has said he can't ever settle here and wants to move back to london but we could only afford a flat. I don't want to move and uproot the family. I hate his negativity and to be honest he is like that horrible stereotype of a Londoner who thinks everything outside of london has no value at all.

AIBU to say no to moving back? I'm worried this will divide us.

There are so many houses in London for 950k in decent areas. We bought a large 4 bed last year for 900k in an area with great transport links, schools, zone 3. It feels perfectly safe though isn't naice and does have black people.

@Classicblunder but I bet if you told that area to my DH he would baulk at it because it's not the exact area he's lived all his life. Believe me - I lived all over london and there were many (albeit on the greener side) areas I wanted us to consider. That's where this frustration is coming from - he's made this move and picked this location and now wants to uproot us all again and won't consider anything other than one specific postcode.

Well in that case he's being totally unreasonable. I am understanding more why you're telling him to just suck it up.

Is he at least being apologetic for changing his mind? Is he saying -- I should have listened to you, I'm an idiot, please can we move back, I'll make it up to you forever....
Or is he just demanding to move back and not admitting he was an idiot?

100% this. He need to get over himself. The move is 100% better for the family and he's very lucky to live somewhere so beautiful and spacious.

This happened to me on our last house move. We had to move to another part of the south-east because of DH's work, but still within range of London, where I worked (pre-pandemic!). The house we bought was much more expensive but it was in an area that was also more expensive and where we already had a number of good friends. DH was suffering from mild depression at the time, and while a house move, combined with a job move, is very stressful, we reasoned that a fresh start, surrounded by our friends, would actually help.

As soon as we moved in he wanted out. He said he hated the house and wanted to put it back on the market immediately. He wanted to return to his old life and job (even though he admitted he had never really bonded with anyone in our previous area and that he also loved his new job). He catastrophised, saying that we would never be able to pay off the house or do the improvements that we had discussed before purchase. He refused to see reason and even suggested that we instead moved to a really remote part of the country, that I should give up my job and he would stay in a hotel during the week for work. We argued constantly, in circles and it really wore us both down.

The first few months were so difficult. He didn't even want to unpack or redecorate, saying there was no point. I knew it was the depression talking though and stood my ground. The house certainly needed a bit of a spruce-up and his mood started to change when I overhauled the living room, painting over the tired walls and making it into a calm sanctuary for us to retreat to in the evenings. Next, I redid our bedroom and room by room the house started to look more like "our" place.

We are still here six years later - and more importantly, still together. I got made redundant but found a new and better paid position immediately so with help from that windfall we overhauled every room including building a new kitchen extension. And in contrast to all his catastrophising, we are overpaying on the mortgage, wiping years off the debt.

He now loves the house, and is proud of it. As I mentioned earlier, I think the turning point came when he glimpsed something calm and recognisable through the chaos, which helped to settle his mind.

Where in London did he grow up and wants to live now?

Does he have a wealthy family? Or a family that has lucked out on property? I.E. his parents bought a house for a reasonable amount when they were starting out and because they chose a good location it has exponentially risen in price?

In either scenario (unless his DPs are loaded and give him some money), he and his family will not have the same experience as when he grew up - it's just so much more expensive. The house he grew up in, you would probably not be able to afford now - but I am guessing he knows this?

Does he really usurp lifestyle over space? As usually, space wins with most families

Did he take a lot of convincing to move or did he seem into the idea when you did it? Why did the commute only suddenly become a problem once you were there, surely he'd have known about it beforehand.

@TimeRoStop is there a chance you could convince him that sooner or later it's likely that a lot of his friends in that area will move themselves? Then he might not feel the FOMO so much.

I think he needs to give himself more time. I understand how he feels, it took us a long time to get used to the countryside. His commute is relatively short, we did 3 hours per day, more sometimes but it was worth it for the kids. Making some great friends made a huge difference for me. I have just taken a job locally, after commuting to London for more than 8 years. Never been happier and never thought I’d work anywhere except London. Priorities have changed! Give it time!

sorry no good advice, maybe look up threads for peoples advice on parenting selfish sulky teenage boys.. seriously though 40 mins... 40..u did say 40?!?

Based on your explanations of your husband being determined to only live in the one area of London he knows and likes, dismissing anywhere else more peaceful, including Richmond, I think he is being not only selfish, but childish. Of course it’s important for both parties in a marriage to be happy (as said by another poster), but what he wants wouldn’t make both of you happy and, if he got it, your children would be more restricted, both in childhood and their teenage years. He is being unreasonable. I think you have to insist that he really listens to your views, rather than sulking (as it appears he is) about it. I wish you luck.

You have a massive budget. Tell him to give Beconsfield a full year and you will re-evaluate. The compromise would have to be yes to a nice part of London but not his first choice postcode in London. I used to live in Wimbledon and it really ticked all the boxes except too expensive for us to buy there.

My husband lives in central London. I live on an island off the west coast of Ireland with the DCs. I couldn’t imagine ever living in London again full time. He couldn’t imagine living on an island full time. We spend most of our holidays in London but I like that DDs can go to the shops, attend really good schools and be part of a caring community. Is there any way that you can live separately? We’ve been doing this for almost five years and it’s been great!

Wow, that sounds interesting. Does he come to you or do you go to him, im not married btw so i feel like a part time husband would be finevwith me but i know a lot of people wouldnt want it

Six months is the dip after any big change - you have the high of the adrenaline of the move, followed by the excitement of getting used to new stuff.

Think of it like a wave, at six months you are at the bottom of the curve. The good news is if you can stick it out you'll see an upturn happen. The bad news is. it's still a wave so there will be ups and down until if you get in the right mindset you end up with more a gentle line of ordinary life - little ups and downs but not the big waves which make you seasick.

It's very common in people who immigrate or make big international moves for work. For someone like your husband who was very attached to his home area it probably feels a little like that. There are different things you can try to feel at home when you are feeling alone in a new place, such as finding a new hobby/activity in the new place, making your new home your sanctuary so it feels lovely to come back to, bringing some of the old place to the new regularly, friends coming to stay etc.

If he really can't hack it for the long term (till the kids finish school) then work out a compromise - he has to give it another year + whatever time it would be the least upheaval to move the kids.

Or as a PP said - maybe find a way for him to be in London for 2-3 nights a week.

950k is a tight budget for a family home in inner London so I can see the problem.

It would be very hard indeed to find a house for 950k in Richmond unless it was actually North Sheen or Twickenham.

Barnes, Putney, Wimbledon have the same issue - family houses there are £2 million+

You can get a small house in the ‘wrong’ end of those for about 1.375 ie South Wimbledon or Mortlake etc.

Beaconsfield is tiny - I wonder if your husband would be happier in a slightly bigger town? Henley, Marlow, Guildford, Sevenoaks, St Albans? But you’d have the same budget issues there.

Maybe move somewhere where the commute is a bit friendlier but still in the same area. Semi-rural is a huge culture shock to someone raised in a large city. Consider somewhere that's on the tube rather than the train. An Amersham train can get you to central London in twenty or thirty minutes and at TFL prices. Or somewhere like Ruislip/Uxbridge/Watford? Amersham also has excellent schools both Grammar and Non-Selective. You also still have excellent links to major roads too. BTW: I don't live in Amersham 😂 We made a similar move out from London and commuted via tube which made us feel we were still linked there.

If he won’t accept Richmond, I can’t imagine what he’d make of Ruislip.😯

Can your oh see that 6 months is a very short time to settle anywhere? You need at least a year, all four seasons, to get a feel of a place.

Your kids are very young. As they get older they will start to participate in clubs and hobbies which could involve you and oh. That may help him integrate into the local scene more and find people whose company he enjoys.

Its a big change for him. If you’ve only been there 6 months he has likely been feeling this for a while. He really has to give it more time and needs to get his head in a place to do that rather than focusing on how to navigate a move back to London.

Zone 2 of London into central takes 40 mins. Sounds amazing if you can do same from semi rural into London. Is he generally ok in himself? ie possibly bit depressed? Work worries? Sorry you’re going through this. You have to put your children first

Ohh it's my worst nightmare moving somewhere & realising I've made a mistake.
But honestly I can absolutely see & agree that living outside London is much better for children. I wouldn't want to go back & besides, it's never a good idea to go backwards.
I'd try to focus on reminding him why he wanted to move in the first place - I mean the grass is always greener & all that. London isn't that great (sorry personal opinion only).

Maybe it's just me but many of these comments are stupidly harsh. If op was on her saying oh we've moved away from my home where I've spent all my life and I'm desperately unhappy and want to move back but my husband really isn't on board then everyone would be cooing and screaming ltb and go home/life is too short
He agreed to the relocation and now he's unsettled and unhappy, he's voiced how unhappy he is to his wife, which is all perfectly reasonable. Personally I'd be setting a time limit for a further discussion. If he's still unhappy in another 6 months then a very frank conversation needs to happen, whilst the move does benefit the rest of the family you can't just ignore his feelings if he's truely miserable. Comments like man child and 'suck it up' wouldn't be tolerated if the roles were reversed and I feel like everyone is just disregarding how absolutely horrible it is to feel unhappy in your own home. Maybe hopefully given time he will settle, especially when better weather comes, I agree with whoever said to invite a few friends down, if more of your friends came semi regularly for BBQs or meals etc he'd feel less stranded (stranded is a tad dramatic but you know what I mean)

I honestly dont know why anyone would want to raise a child in London. You're right about 'Londoners' thinking the world outside the m25 sucks, but they are so wrong. The quality of life, the clean air, the house prices... I love London and lived there for a decade in my 20s, but absolutely no chance I'd raise my kids there.

Your husband needs to stop being so selfish and stroppy, it is not all about him. If you and the kids are happy and settled then tell him to suck it up or get a job elsewhere, he doesn't need to commute!

He'll only consider one postcode?

It really sounds like it's your way or the highway. The way you write about it it sounds like it's all about what you believe is right for the kids etc. If he's from London he might genuinely believe a London upbringing is also great for kids. Surely a marriage is what's best for both of you? He needs to be heard not dismissed. You need to really calmly talk this through together. Maybe ask him to give it a year and then re-assess?