DH says he hates our new house and wants to move

[TimeRoStop]

About six months ago DH and I left central london with our DC and moved to the Home Counties. The reasons for the move were that I don't want to raise DC in central london (crime, too busy, quality of the housing we could afford) and to buy a house.

We now live near Beaconsfield, it takes us about 40 mins from leaving our house to central london. We aren't in the centre of the town but have a beautiful, decent sized house in a semi rural area. The community is lovely, DC are happy and both of us work in london (me part time, him full time.)

DH hates the commute. He was born and raised in central london. He misses so much about our old life - his community, the tube, being in the thick of it all, walking to everything. Now we are reliant on a car but the trade off is a beautiful home, garden, safe area, good schools, amazing countryside. I fundamentally believe it's a better upbringing for DC (not hating london just my opinion) and we are in london very frequently anyway, a few times a week!

He has said he can't ever settle here and wants to move back to london but we could only afford a flat. I don't want to move and uproot the family. I hate his negativity and to be honest he is like that horrible stereotype of a Londoner who thinks everything outside of london has no value at all.

AIBU to say no to moving back? I'm worried this will divide us.

Same. Grew up Zone 2 and 3. Now live Zone 5 with forest and nature reserve on doorstep. My DH reluctant to go further for larger house as he grew up where we are and suffered racism when younger and believes that is what it will be like for our sons if we moved. Anyway, easy enough to get to tubes and trains (have to drive) and into central London.

There have been similar threads in the past where an OP has said she regretted moving and the advice was tell her DH that he should support her and they should look for somewhere else, not she had to get over herself. Such double standards!

Anyhow, if they can afford to buy a big house on the outskirts of Beaconsfield they could afford more than a tiny flat in many parts of London.

Fair point but OP
herself said she could only afford a flat in London

I live in zone 2 and it takes me 40 mins door to door to get to work in Piccadilly! He's nuts if he's that miserable and refuses to compromise about where in London to live

Some people clearly like "naaaice" more than anything else.
I like me some life and buzzy culture.

Who the heck moves out of the city for the kids?
At 15 I actually told my mum I hated her for selling up in the city.
Let's just say my travels to clubs and festivals were much more dangerous as a result than a cab/tube ride would have been...

2017-2019. I used to get the 25 minute train and it def took an hour, with the parking time and the walk to the office in Soho. The busyness of the train back then was horrid too, really had to squish on!

40 minute commute, so you live five minutes from the train station and his walk is five minutes from the train?

We’re in zone 1, I love living here, I made it clear when I met my husband that I will not be moving out of zone 1 nevermind London. I have quite a few friends and colleagues who left London in the last few years, all but one have moved back, many after a divorce because their husband/wife refused to move back.

You’re married, so you both need to find a solution that works for both of you, if you wish to remain married.

It’s very difficult for the one commuting full time compared to the part time. He’s probably only seeing the benefits during the weekends, when you’d be out and about anyway.

youll need to try harder to get him involved in local life so he starts to see the benefits. Is there local football or cricket at the weekends or a golf society at the pub? Find one of these for him and make sure he knows that you’ll look after the kids then.

help him build a new life

6 months is nothing. I loved the house we moved to but at 6 months I wasn’t settled and didn’t feel the love I later developed. I think giving it two years or so is sensible. It would also avoid spending all that money on a move again so soon.

Concentrate on building a life for your DC and maybe then your DH will see how settled they are and think again. Living outside London is different not bad. Focus on the new things not the old London things.

Also, everyone is focusing on him moaning about his commute and overlooking the fact OP said he was born and raised in London and a key issue is he misses his community. That must be such a wrench for him and it's not a surprise he's struggling. It's all he's Eve known. I do think he needs to give it another six months but all the PP telling him to man up and get over himself should maybe take that on board.

Ever, not Eve!

That is so easy to say. We moved from a big city (not London) to live in a seaside town in the south west nearly 30 years ago. I hate it, I hated it from day one and realised I'd made a big mistake.

So I got a job, the kids went to good schools and the balance was that for the family it was the right thing to do.

So 30 years on kids are all gone, either living in their uni city or in their partners city. Hit home during lockdown when no possibility of meeting for a walk or something. I'm retired, he's disabled and has never worked down here and he won't move, he's too old, he's disabled, he can't face sorting out his junk.

He, and the whole family, are fully aware that if he goes first the house is going on the market and I'm going back to the city. Isn't it awful that the only way I can see me living somewhere I want to live is if I'm a widow or we separate and the clock is ticking, I'm nearly 70 will I make the move while I'm still able to enjoy it will I never make the move. What kills me is I think if I die first he will almost certainly move closer to one of our kids because he will need support so he will do it for him but he won't do it for me.

I wish I'd never moved, I look back on the last 30 years and yes there are nice bits but it wasn't the life I wanted.

So maybe the OP and the kids win but don't pretend it doesn't matter how her husband feels.

I have sympathy for him. We moved away from London 12 years ago to somewhere a little bit smaller than Beaconsfield and I realised the day we moved that it was a terrible mistake. I tried very hard to make the best of it, but have been miserable for all these years. We are moving soon, not back to London though sadly as we're totally priced out.

You say he's only thinking of himself then you say I don't want, I personally don't think, I also find it.

You're thinking about youself, don't kid yourself.

Did you post about the commute last week? If so, I’m sorry things haven’t improved.

I moved out of London before I was ready; I can sympathise with your DH to some extent. But on that basis, I do think he needs to give it longer than six months, especially where there are kids involved. You’ll likely see the benefit more in the summer too - a bigger garden to sit in, lovely walls on the doorstep. I’d also ask him to do some serious thinking around the whole issue of schools. Many, many people move out to the Home Counties for this reason; has he fully thought through the pros and cons of this on a “move back” basis?

The thing that really helped me, though, was just planning to do a lot of the things that I’d always done and enjoyed in a London. Even living centrally, I’d travel half an hour to go to, say, a theatre or a museum. So I’d still book these things and do them; it just took me an extra 30 minutes to get there and back. And gradually, I accepted that that was the downside, but there were many upsides as well: space, doing the nice local things that I’d never have done in London as well as the London things, being able to park on my own drive etc etc. Maybe it would help your DH to list the pros and cons and try to mitigate the latter?

I have quite a few friends and colleagues who left London in the last few years, all but one have moved back, many after a divorce because their husband/wife refused to move back.

Really?! You know multiple couples who split up because one of them simply couldn't bear life outside London?!

Where I live just about every other person has moved out from London. Shockingly we don't seem to be some sort of divorce hotspot... And I've never known anyone move back (everyone I know who's left in the lady few years has gone more rural).

I'm so glad you are able to move, I hope it works.

This thread has made me so sad as I don't know how much longer I can stay here but how do you walk away from a disabled man you've been married to for 40 years?

This is so sad to read, Ancientgran, especially the bit that your DH would move closer to your kids in a heartbeat if you go first. How selfish of him not to consider moving now for your happiness.

The trouble is he doesn't see that he will move. He needs so much support but he doesn't acknowledge it and although he panics if I have a night away (about once every couple of years) he still thinks he'd manage on his own.

Actually saying what I've said has made me cry, I bury my feelings so much. Thanks for the flowers @Youaremysunshine14

How mobile is he? I'm wondering if you could take him to visit the city where you want to live and show him how much more convenient it would be to have everything on the doorstep? Does he know how unhappy you are?

As a first step consider moving closer to the rail station so that the first part of a commute is walkable. This will save time, money & stress of rushing to get the train on time, also a brisk walk & burst of daylight is good for overall wellbeing & motivation.

So the compromise for the whole family may be a town house with garden, but likely this will be closer to schools, shops & sport/recreation amenities without the overheads of central London that you have worked hard to leave behind. Once your children gain independence & get about on their own, not ferrying them around the rural teen hotspots will be a benefit.

We come from the same city, it is where we met. He can be nostalgic about it but he won't even talk about moving.

Does he know how unhappy I am? Hard to say, he is good at closing his mind to the inconvenient and uncomfortable.

He is stuck in his ways, he doesn't like change and he doesn't like the whole rigmarole of moving, selling up finding a new place. The madness is he hardly goes out so it doesn't really make much difference to him.

I've left it too late, the OP and her husband need to think about the long term. If living where they live is making him as unhappy as I am and she doesn't want to move maybe they need to make the break sooner rather than later.

You say that "he is like that horrible stereotype of a Londoner who thinks everything outside of london has no value at all" but at the same time you're saying that his whole life and upbringing must have been really awful and not what you want for your children. Why is his opinion worth less than yours? I'm presuming you weren't born and bred in London but seem to have decided it isn't a good place to raise children despite being married to someone who lived through it and presumably turned out fine?

@ancientgran this must be so incredibly hard for you.

Dh and I moved around a lot. We found peak missing the last town / city / country was around 6 months and it started to pass after about 18. Giving your move a year isn’t long enough op. I would say 2.

ancientgran I imagine you’ve research a lot of options. That sounds really hard.