DH says he hates our new house and wants to move

[TimeRoStop]

About six months ago DH and I left central london with our DC and moved to the Home Counties. The reasons for the move were that I don't want to raise DC in central london (crime, too busy, quality of the housing we could afford) and to buy a house.

We now live near Beaconsfield, it takes us about 40 mins from leaving our house to central london. We aren't in the centre of the town but have a beautiful, decent sized house in a semi rural area. The community is lovely, DC are happy and both of us work in london (me part time, him full time.)

DH hates the commute. He was born and raised in central london. He misses so much about our old life - his community, the tube, being in the thick of it all, walking to everything. Now we are reliant on a car but the trade off is a beautiful home, garden, safe area, good schools, amazing countryside. I fundamentally believe it's a better upbringing for DC (not hating london just my opinion) and we are in london very frequently anyway, a few times a week!

He has said he can't ever settle here and wants to move back to london but we could only afford a flat. I don't want to move and uproot the family. I hate his negativity and to be honest he is like that horrible stereotype of a Londoner who thinks everything outside of london has no value at all.

AIBU to say no to moving back? I'm worried this will divide us.

@Hawkins001 Less access to culture/art events really was a difficult thing. I found I started to dislike myself - grumping at "dumb" village markets, boring Sunday fetes and so on. But I just can't.. Can't crack that life!

I felt my life ground to a halt as soon as we moved. I cried about the fact I only once went all-night dancing between ages of 23 and 33. I love dancing! The people, the music, sweat... Try that as a 30yo mum in a village hall :D

Yanbu. London is not a nice place for a child to grow up (pollution, noise. crime, and everytime you make friends with a kid their parents move house). Also, the decision has been made! It’s done!

Sounds like he’s homesick but he needs to get over himself and think about what’s best for the DC. He can’t seriously expect you and the dc to downsize from a house to flat just so he can hang out at Pret or whatever.

I can completely see me being happy somewhere much more rural and isolated but I would absolutely hate that small town vibe.

This is me too. Fully urban or fully rural, not something in between. For me they both give a feeling of freedom- the anonymity of a crowd in London or the space of the countryside. A small town would be my worst.

I’d suggest you all give it a little longer then work out what to do. No shame in coming back.

OP, you're not wrong to want to have your ideal life in the invironment that suits you. But husband is not wrong or selfish to struggle with it.

It's a really difficult situation to be in because every compromise hurts....

Having gone through it before, I left a boyfriend in the early stages of dating when he mentioned a large, traditional house, a few dogs and a picket fence in his future. I know what it means and I just can't do it.

I feel for your husband but he made the decision to move to Beaconsfield and if everyone else is happy he needs to give it a chance. Beaconsfield is a nice place but very different to being London and it will take time to get used to it.

If he is really unhappy and has tried to make it work would you consider a compromise of moving back to London to an outer zone?

I grew up in zone 2 (DH zone 3) and would struggle to live outside London. Friends have moved out to Chesham, Aylesbury, High Wycombe, Princes Risborough, Chorleywood and although they are very nice places and they have good houses it does not appeal to me at all. We moved outwards to zone 5 and we are really happy here. We have a great house, outstanding schools, three tube lines within walking distance and also have woods and meadows around the corner. We have easy access to everything we want here, it feels like the best of both worlds.

I've moved country a fair few times in my life and I have to say, it generally takes about 2 years to feel settled after moving - up till that point it can feel like you've made a mistake and you'll be nostalgic about what you've left behind.

I think if he properly puts in the effort to get to know the new area, make local friends, pick up local hobbies etc and still hates it in 2 years time then you can maybe consider relocating. But if he's going to just moan and wallow in negativity without even attempting to improve his situation then I have little sympathy. Especially since 40 mins is nothing and you're there all the time anyway! To put it into perspective, it used to take over an hour of public transport to meet up with some of my friends who lived in London when I was based there!

I’m with your husband, you need to talk about it. Bringing up teenagers somewhere you have to drive everywhere isn’t idyllic.

It took me nearly 3 years to not feel homesick for London when I moved out to the Home Counties. I still commuted everyday so I got my fix but like a pp said, a lot of it is to do with identity. I liked being able to say I lived in London. It all changed when I had kids though. We can walk just a mile down the road and find ourselves in open countryside, we're within 10 mins drive of areas of outstanding natural beauty and half an hour from a national park. Conversely we can hop on a train to London or Brighton and the south coast and be there in 45 mins. The move actually opened up my world rather than closed it. Our town has had a huge influx of Londoners anyway and our high street is looking more like one you'd find in London just without a tube line.
How do you spend your weekends? Have you done lots of exploring and family days out? Are your kids doing any extra curricular clubs that your DH can get involved with? My DH started to make local friends via DS's football and swimming and that definitely helped him feel more settled.

Many of the responses here presuppose the superiority of Beaconsfield over central London. It’s a matter of opinion, and your DH’s is just as valid as yours.

what you want for your D.C. is no less important than what your DH wants for them.

there are four people in your family. All of you have to be at least not unhappy. The children at this age are the easiest to please. They’ll be happy wherever they are as long as they’re with you both.

your personal preference isn’t better than his. It’s just yours. Like everything in marriage and family life, nobody - not him, and not you - gets exactly what they want. It needs to be a compromise. You’re starting off very uncompromising.

having said all that, 6 months of winter living in the sticks is nothing. He needs to give it time and he needs to keep an open mind. You also need to keep an open mind and entertain the notion that where you are now may not be where you are much longer.

would you rather have the beautiful house and garden, or a not miserable DH? And before you say it, no he is not obliged to just stop being miserable. He’s allowed to feel the way he feels.

Living somewhere you don't feel yourself in is truly awful. I do think at the very least you need to keep talking about it. I'd agree 6 months is not long but commuting is so awful he might be in despair at the thought of 15 years of it.

Uprooting the whole family again so soon sounds dreadful. Young children do notice, especially those in school/nursery. I think he needs to take a serious look at himself and start thinking about all the positives of what he has. 6 months is nothing, it takes longer than that to feel settled, most people (maybe me!) still have the odd box lying around not yet unpacked at this point. He needs to put his children first at the moment, agree to look again in future but not now.

Also, get him to look into whether he could work from home even one day a week to try and reduce the commute and spend more time at home. 40 mins is a really short commute anyway, but it may be taking some getting used to.

I think everyone has different preferences but at some point you both agreed you wanted to bring your children up outside of Central London, you must have had good reasons for this and they need to be the priority.

It doesn’t sound like he’s miserable because of decreased time with the children!
the commute sounds shorter than my commute when we lived in london, I wouldn’t move back.

It’s not that the op thinks what SHE wants is more important. She thinks prioritising the children is more important and I agree with that. If my Dh was being selfish and I was thinking of the children I wouldn’t be very impressed, it’s not at all the same as two adults agreeing on something that suits both of them with no dc to consider.

Agree with this.

I had typed longer response but it disappeared when page refreshed!

anyway did he have group of friends where you used to live who he feels distant from now? That will make a diff especially if they’re also of the same mindset that everywhere else is rubbish

no he is not obliged to just stop being miserable. He’s allowed to feel the way he feels.

very well put!
Some of the ‘suck it up’ replies are really uncaring. I’d be equally as miserable, and telling him he’s being selfish won’t help. He needs to be listened to and you might need to compromise. He’s also allowed to have changed hi mind about moving. Maybe the idea at first but hates the reality.

There are places in London, zone 4, or even 6, that are safe communities with lots of green space. Perhaps look at you can afford if he still hates it after 6 months.

She thinks prioritising the children is more important and I agree with that.

i don’t understand this. Living in a slightly smaller house in the city is not neglecting the kids. Moving won’t traumatise them. DH is not not prioritising them.

I agree with others that he needs to give it longer before moving again.

I really disliked our current location when we moved here, I’d only agreed to it because DH received a good job offer and he wanted to take it. I’d loved the big city we lived in previously, I didn’t know anyone here, had to find a new job and basically start from scratch. Several years later, I’ve got local friends, discovered things to do and have generally fitted in. Plus I’ve realized that we can do more here because the cost of living is lower. But it takes time.

Continue discussing it and perhaps agree to a timeline to seriously review the situation-but don’t do anything yet, it’s far too soon. He may feel very differently in a year.

iMO he is being selfish and annoying. He refused to look at areas that were compromises in Z4-6. Now he is moaning about moving 6m in despite others being happy.

I would discuss compromise options with a timescale (eg try for 2yrs then look at compromise options). You both should get a say - and if you really have different preferences, then one option is to spend a few years in each situation. I personally think moving the kids should be ok (especially young primary age) unless they have particular issues at school or are coming up to exam years.

This was us six years ago, although we were in Barnet so zone 4. Moved to the countryside into a hamlet of about 30 houses and no shop, 20 miles from nearest (large-ish but don’t get excited) town. For the first 18 months I was in mourning and wanted to go back - I missed the easy access to everything (theatre, shops, nightlife, galleries and great restaurants). DD was 3 at the time and we were struggling in our flat.

after the 18 months passed I felt more settled and joe love it here, although we are moving again in the summer due to work and going to another town, we’ll probably still look at a rural location.

someone told me at the time that I had to live all the seasons in the new place before I got to decide what I thought - and it’s true that the summer here, with easy access to a beach and open spaces, really changed my mind about things.

i understand that bone deep yearning to go ‘home’ to London, even if it’s a choice that’s best for the whole family on paper.

You should consider moving again. Don't decide on anything for at least 6 months but do talk through all the options properly. Being semi rural and car dependent is not always best for kids. Walking to school is much healthier and once they are teens they would love the freedom of London to meet friends and be a bit independent. Cousins of ours who moved to the country "for the kids" ended up with kids who play computer games all the time because there was nothing else to do and no way to visit friends with spending 40 mins in the car.

So rural is not always better for kids. And if it is making your DH miserable it may not be better for your family.

Listen to him, talk about options carefully and see what happens.

6 months is not long enough, it takes a long time to settle

When I moved to the US it took me a good 2 years to 'tolerate' where we lived, but, I did settle eventually

It's good that he is talking to you, don't discourage that, and try and talk to him about it and also give your perspective in a calm way

It is a traumatic time. We have now returned to the UK after 5 years away, been here nearly 18 months and my husband is struggling to cope with being back. We have a beautiful, but he is mourning what he has lost.

Give him time and in the meantime try and be understanding. Don't just dismiss his thoughts though, he is probably genuinely suffering with the change

Try reading this, it is aimed at expats, but you have had a big change so it is relevant
www.kishasolomon.com/blog/2016/02/expat-problems-repatriation-blues.html

I think house purchase regret is pretty common wherever you are? I've moved out of a city to a village for various reasons and you can't help question your decision and pick apart what is better or worse. He has to give it some time.

He needs to spend a summer in his new semi-country home, seeing his kids playing in their own garden. Compared to sweltering day in London, stuck in a flat, there’s a clearly superior choice for your children.

This!
We did a similar move quite sometime ago now, out to being semi rural, albeit down in the South East. Plus with a longer commute than yours. We love it here, but probably took us a good year to feel settled. Our house really comes into it’s own during the Summer….it’s like being on holiday down here. It’s perfect for having large gatherings in too, and for DD to have friends over etc.

As another poster mentioned you really have to live through all seasons in a new house. I bet your DC are loving the garden and generally just having more space.

By comparison our central London flat was unbearable in the Summer. And I was never a fan of London in the Summer months, too busy and too hot.

Hi OP, I grew up in the area you've moved to, then spent 20 years in Reading and moved to the Isle of Wight about 18 months ago.

Where you are now is great for the kids (we had great social connections through the school and loved playing in the woods etc as kids) but agree with PPs that it takes a couple of years to get used to a different way of life.

My DH is struggling here, mostly with the change in pace (& pay!) with work & I have to commute back to the office twice a week which at 3 hours each way means he has more childcare responsibilities than before, but he's feeling better now he's made more local friends (in the pub 😉) & joined a walking football club so has a better social life.

So, as others said getting to the specifics of what he doesn't like, agreeing to a trial period & improving social life are all key (as well as finding ways to do whatever it is he misses) to find a level of compromise, but there is a risk you will never see eye to eye. Good luck! 🤞

This was me and my dh in reverse. I wanted to move out and he steadfastly refused -after previously promising he would. I went through about 8yrs of mourning what could've been, wanting the idyllic countryside lifestyle for our dc that I'd had growing up. In the end I made my peace with the city because it has so much to offer and the dc got their free Oysters (travel cards) which was fantastic when they were teens. However, we've now divorced and I'm moving out to enjoy the countryside while I still can.