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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH says he hates our new house and wants to move

271 replies

TimeRoStop · 07/05/2022 22:24

About six months ago DH and I left central london with our DC and moved to the Home Counties. The reasons for the move were that I don't want to raise DC in central london (crime, too busy, quality of the housing we could afford) and to buy a house.

We now live near Beaconsfield, it takes us about 40 mins from leaving our house to central london. We aren't in the centre of the town but have a beautiful, decent sized house in a semi rural area. The community is lovely, DC are happy and both of us work in london (me part time, him full time.)

DH hates the commute. He was born and raised in central london. He misses so much about our old life - his community, the tube, being in the thick of it all, walking to everything. Now we are reliant on a car but the trade off is a beautiful home, garden, safe area, good schools, amazing countryside. I fundamentally believe it's a better upbringing for DC (not hating london just my opinion) and we are in london very frequently anyway, a few times a week!

He has said he can't ever settle here and wants to move back to london but we could only afford a flat. I don't want to move and uproot the family. I hate his negativity and to be honest he is like that horrible stereotype of a Londoner who thinks everything outside of london has no value at all.

AIBU to say no to moving back? I'm worried this will divide us.

OP posts:
mynameiscalypso · 07/05/2022 23:13

Did you post about this before? If it wasn't you, your DH could make a buddy who is going through the exact some thing and moan about the commute to him.

SafelySoftly · 07/05/2022 23:17

But it’s not a 40 min commute is it? The fastest trains 32 minutes and top of that you’ve decided to live somewhere that you need to drive to. Trains are also pretty infrequent. It’s not surprising he feels cut off if he’s used to just jumping on the northern line every 3 minutes… I think I you’re minimising how unconnected he feels. It’s a pity you’ve added a drive to the commute…

TedMullins · 07/05/2022 23:20

I really think people underestimate on here the importance of local friends and community. It seems like it’s normal on MN to just disregard all of that and bin off everything that makes your life good in your area, to move somewhere ‘nicer’ or ‘greener’ or have ‘more space’ etc.

feeling part of your local community and having friends is SO important, and it’s one of the big reasons I won’t leave London (as well as just loving it here, the pace and the convenience etc) as all my friends are here and I’d feel really isolated not having that or having to start again with finding it. No amount of space or countryside would make up for that, for me.

it sounds like your H has realised this and is missing that feeling of having a community. A 40 min commute is very short but it’s not the same as being in London. He deserves to be happy as well as you - agree with PP it sounds like you can afford a house in some parts of London so I’d be seriously discussing it with him.

dreamingbohemian · 07/05/2022 23:22

TimeRoStop · 07/05/2022 23:06

@Merryoldgoat I think you're spot on that he feels displaced. The problem is I'm not open to the idea of moving back. Not never, but I think his line of thinking is madness. I feel like I'm thinking about the DC and he's thinking about himself. I don't want to raise them in central London, I personally don't think it's very safe and I also find it too busy.

So move to a quiet green area in Zone 4, there's lot of compromise between central London and Home Counties village.

Fair enough to ask your husband to give it more time but he might be more amenable if he knows you'll be willing to discuss a compromise down the road.

Aconitum · 07/05/2022 23:25

Not quite sure why anyone thinks his 'wants' trump yours. What are you going to do if he won't back down? He's obviously not made any effort to integrate and adapt to your new life. Tell him to grow up or piss off.

HummingQuietly · 07/05/2022 23:31

6 months is not long enough. But if you are in a village outside a town that might just be a step too far. Why not in a town walkable to the centre or a different city, or further out in London as PPs have said? Give it at least a year, maybe 2, and if it's still not working, move.

Is he OK apart from this? Because one effect of starting antidepressants for me was going from hating everything about our house, to the extent of going house hunting, to feeling happy here. I'm not saying he's depressed just because he doesn't like the move, but if he is struggling generally it could possibly be a symptom of that.

Autienotnaughtie · 07/05/2022 23:38

40 min is a great commute. I'd say 6m isn't long enough let's give it a year and look at it then. See how you both feel in a year.

Pullingmyselftogether · 07/05/2022 23:40

We did this kind of move out of London (I lived in London since I was 15) and I miss it so much- hate where we live, but it is so good for the kids, beautiful area- amazing countryside etc, but I've come to terms with the fact that I've just had to sacrifice what I love for the time being. Surely that's what being a grownup is? He knew what he was doing, and he just need to own his decision. It's just not all about him anymore...

Crikeyalmighty · 07/05/2022 23:40

I don't think his needs/wants trump yours and your family- however it's not good if he is unhappy too- but I think you need to get to the root of it if it's that he wants a metro every 3 minutes and possibly old friends on tap - then only London will fit that bill- so you need to all discuss it doesn't he care if it upsets the rest of you?? You need to get to the nub of what it is he's actually missing- if he wants it to be 'in London' but you need more space, greenery, good schools I would suggest you maybe look at places like Richmond , Teddington, kingston, hampton, Totteridge/Whetstone, Woodside Park, High Barnet etc. Personally I suspect it's a 'mental' thing-- I don't think it's the commute- I think maybe his personal ' identity' is tied up with saying 'I live in London' - but I may be wrong.

shreddednips · 07/05/2022 23:47

He needs to stick it out for considerably longer IMO. It's not as simple as just upping sticks and moving somewhere else if he's unhappy because of the costs involved in selling up and buying somewhere new. And assuming you can't afford somewhere near your previous address, what's to say he wouldn't get set up in a new part of London and decide he doesn't like that either? He could very easily end up with the same commute time depending on which part you chose.

Agree with PPs that you both need to be happy, but this was a decision (and an expensive one) that he willingly made, and your children are happy there. Plus, you're not happy with the idea of moving back. I would feel more sympathy if you'd moved an enormous distance from everything that's familiar to him, but 40 minutes is really not far!

Coyoacan · 07/05/2022 23:58

Where you've moved to sounds lovely, but I agree with your husband. I don't believe the compute is as short as you say, so we are talking about a couple of hours a day he can't spend with his children because he is on the train.

CinnamonJellyBeans · 08/05/2022 00:01

Like PP, I think you should consider moving back if he still hates it in another 18 months. I'm sure he can see the good points of your new home and village village, so he must be desperate if he's hating it so much.

LauraNicolaides · 08/05/2022 00:04

I'm with your husband on this one. I'd hate it. (And to be honest I think central London is a better place to raise kids too.)

I guess the important question is how far you are apart on this issue. It seems that you're not prepared to consider moving back to London. And if he's truly miserable he presumably might just do it? Could this be enough to split the family?

Hawkins001 · 08/05/2022 00:06

TimeRoStop · 07/05/2022 22:24

About six months ago DH and I left central london with our DC and moved to the Home Counties. The reasons for the move were that I don't want to raise DC in central london (crime, too busy, quality of the housing we could afford) and to buy a house.

We now live near Beaconsfield, it takes us about 40 mins from leaving our house to central london. We aren't in the centre of the town but have a beautiful, decent sized house in a semi rural area. The community is lovely, DC are happy and both of us work in london (me part time, him full time.)

DH hates the commute. He was born and raised in central london. He misses so much about our old life - his community, the tube, being in the thick of it all, walking to everything. Now we are reliant on a car but the trade off is a beautiful home, garden, safe area, good schools, amazing countryside. I fundamentally believe it's a better upbringing for DC (not hating london just my opinion) and we are in london very frequently anyway, a few times a week!

He has said he can't ever settle here and wants to move back to london but we could only afford a flat. I don't want to move and uproot the family. I hate his negativity and to be honest he is like that horrible stereotype of a Londoner who thinks everything outside of london has no value at all.

AIBU to say no to moving back? I'm worried this will divide us.

Why agree to the move ? Plus their could be more to his motives , an affair perhaps ?

Hawkins001 · 08/05/2022 00:07

TimeRoStop · 07/05/2022 22:41

Kids are 3 and 6. It's been a big move for them and I'm devastated at the thought of moving them again. He was on board with the move, suggested the location etc. I always worried he would be like this but never feared it would get this bad. I thought he had settled and now he's just come out with all this saying he "hates" it. He's a misery over it.

Why then did he agree ?

Hawkins001 · 08/05/2022 00:08

Surely he needs to think more of his family than oh pickles all me me me

LauraNicolaides · 08/05/2022 00:10

Plus their could be more to his motives , an affair perhaps ?

Hmm
QueenCamilla · 08/05/2022 00:10

Some people are just better suited to live in a city environment.

It did break me and my husband apart (a big contributing factor).
We lived semi-rurally, then in some towns... And my resentment was growing. I'd have never left London if not with him.

We're divorced now and literally at the first opportunity I'm moving back to the city life. I can't wait!

Blueotter10 · 08/05/2022 00:11

Is it really 40 minutes? I used to live a 10 minute drive from Beaconsfield station and it took me an hour at the absolute minimum to get my office (Soho). Unless he works literally outside Marylebone station I suppose.

Hawkins001 · 08/05/2022 00:14

LauraNicolaides · 08/05/2022 00:10

Plus their could be more to his motives , an affair perhaps ?

Hmm

Mumsnet has made me more cynical, with regards to the faithfulness of people

Hawkins001 · 08/05/2022 00:15

QueenCamilla · 08/05/2022 00:10

Some people are just better suited to live in a city environment.

It did break me and my husband apart (a big contributing factor).
We lived semi-rurally, then in some towns... And my resentment was growing. I'd have never left London if not with him.

We're divorced now and literally at the first opportunity I'm moving back to the city life. I can't wait!

Given the option I'd prefer easy locations for the main London attractions, museum's etc

Italiangreyhound · 08/05/2022 00:20

Where you live sounds brilliant.

Merryoldgoat · 08/05/2022 00:24

@TimeRoStop

the kids will get different things from different places and it’s daft to argue they wouldn’t thrive in parts of London too.

You don’t want to live there. Own it. That’s perfectly valid.

Because you need to decide where your lines are - are you willing to break up over it? Because that is the endgame.

My sons have autism which is currently well supported by our council. I’m mixed race and don’t like being one of few brown faces about which is frequent outside of bigger cities. I like being within walking distance of school and shops and public transport. If my husband wanted to move away and became insistent and depressed then we’d be getting a divorce even though I love him because I’m not moving and I’m not living with someone miserable.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 08/05/2022 00:24

40 mins door to door wouldn't be unusual in London itself, at all!

BonjourCrisette · 08/05/2022 00:26

I suspect your husband didn't know what it would be like. It's very different. I don't think I could be happy in the home counties. I can completely see me being happy somewhere much more rural and isolated but I would absolutely hate that small town vibe. I feel sorry for your husband. I too would hate to leave London and also think it's the best place to raise children you could possibly hope for.

It must be absolutely soul-destroying to be stuck in the sticks if you are used to living in central London.

My husband wanted to move to a small town. He grew up in one. I refused. I like where I live and am very fortunate to be able to live in the place I love and grew up in. I'll stay here as long as I can. A six bedroomed house in the back of beyond could not possibly make up for not being in London.

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