To think dp should contribute to my dc?

[Cocopogo]

Been together three years, don’t live together, recently got engaged, DP recently bought his own place.
Since we got engaged I’ve been talking about us being more like a family. DP is avoiding this. He clearly doesn’t actually want to get married but proposed as I was considering walking away through his lack of commitment. Today he’s made a big fuss that started because he drove me to my house and I’d forgotten my key so had to drive me back to his and started moaning about fuel costs and I reminded him that I do all the driving except for Saturdays when he drives and he then went on how when we go out for meals he pays for 3 people (me and dc) and I pay for 1 (him) even though we both pay for 4.
Basically see’s my dc as not his responsibility. I pointed out that he earns over twice as much as me and we have similar outgoings except I pay for everything else for my dc except you be meal a week which we alternate.

Even as I write this it all seems petty to me but he was so annoyed. Should he contribute to the DC or should it always be separate?

He's not their stepfather. He doesn't have to pay for them.

I assume they aren't his dc? In which case he has no responsibility towards them.

That said I couldn't be in a relationship like that.

If he was a brand new boyfriend I would've said no he doesn't need to contribute (but even then I'd think it a bit off if he didn't once in a while say 'ooh I'll buy us an ice cream' or some little low cost but nice gesture) but 3 years and engaged, at this point they're his stepchildren and if he begrudges spending a single penny on them this isn't looking great.

Why should he?

He's not wrong tbf.

Doesn’t seeem like this is going to work long term - he’s not accepting your children as part of your unit. Finances are something that you will have to talk about but I wouldn’t be with someone complaining about paying for kids meals when you’re happy to pay for his larger meal ( presumably) and alcohol.

Why should he. They’re not his children

Your DCs are not his responsibility unless you get married. At that point your finances are pooled and your income and expenses become his and his income and expenses becomes yours.
At the moment you don't even live together. Sounds like he wants to keep it this way.

Honestly from what you have said, he doesn't sound like he sees the kids the way you want him to. They are your kids and he begrudges spending on them. That's not wrong in a partner (although I would find it unattractive) but is wrong in someone you plan to become a family with. Take it as a warning sign. Actions speak louder than words.

Why are you so keen for this man that doesn't treat you well. You had to force him into proposing, he is actually complaining about your DC and yet you still choose him? Come on, you're a mother. Why put your DC second best here? He bought his own place, intentions for what? He has an issue for paying for their meals, you really think you made a good choice for their stepfather?

They aren’t his geets to pay for.

What contribution do you expect

I’d be more concerned that he actually doesn’t want to get married and is only doing it because he felt pressured. I think he may be acting this way partly due to that.

Well they aren't. What about their biological father - died he gave a role in their lives? Does he pay any support?
My turned moved in with her partner when her daughter was about three or four. He made it clear that her daughter was her responsibility, financially and otherwise. They've been together over 30 years now (never married) so I guess she was fine about it (she earned a decent amount).

They may not be HIS children,but surely becoming part of the family means contributing even a little towards it.

This doesn’t answer your question but are you sure you should be marrying him if you’re right that he doesn’t particularly want to? and with a young dc I’d only marry someone who was going to be generous-minded towards my dc as it could affect their childhood. That said he has no obligation to pay for him whether or not he earns more , but it doesn’t seem that encouraging that he minds doing so?

There is no way I’d marry someone who wasn’t invested in my children as well as me.

peopke will rightly say he’s got to obligation to them but the reality is if you supposed to be one family the kids are a joint expense in my opinion.

id absolutely end this without hesitation

Your children aren't his responsibility and he's not committed to you. The 'engagement' means nothing if there's no other sign of commitment.

They're not part of his family though; they don't live together.

He doesn't want to be a family with you.

It's shitty that he's proposed to keep you quiet, but you need to reset your expectations.

He is someone you are sleeping with, not someone who has any responsibility to your kids.

Yabu because he doesnt want you all to be a family. Harsh truth: you should have walked away not pushed him into proposing. He's not in a place where he wants you enough to take you plus all that comes with being with you.

The sideshow about who pays for what is just a symptom of the bigger underlying problem: you see family life differently from each other. It's not going to work out.

So he is moaning about paying for the odd meal out for your dc !? He sounds quite mean , imagine living with him what would he do split the food shopping bill so he hasn't contributed towards your kids food?!

They aren’t his kids, what about maintenance from their father? You don’t even live together

He doesn’t sound very nice op. Who would begrudge paying for two kids meals every other week? He’s your partner, it shouldn’t be a big deal.